Les Canadiens de Montréal

CANCEL THE PARADE; HABS LOSE IN T.O.

2011-10-07T18:52:00.001-04:00

TORONTO - The Beautiful Team was in Toronto last night and fell to the thuggery that ensued. The Canadiens were woeful and if there is anything that this reporter knows for sure, it's that you can indeed judge a team based on one game. And the Habs are contending for the first overall pick this year for sure.

Perhaps it was too much cheese at the team bonding session in Callingwood. Perhaps the ice was bad. Or maybe the sun got in their eyes. Whatever it was, it was putrid.

Perhaps Don Cherry put it best when he said anything at all. And I for one agree.

So it's time to cancel the parade and trade away the team for cap space and draft picks. It's over, fellas. The fat lady sang and it was glorious while it lasted. Time to start cheering for a new team. Like Manchester United!

Ah... That's better... All negativity used in the first post of the season. Now on to the real games. Good luck you damn dirty Habs! Don't let us down. I will forget about this one transgression.

HABS SHOW WEAKNESS, MERCY

2011-04-19T18:44:00.015-04:00

Like a streaking comet from Sector Z-Alpha in the Coma Berenices, the greatest hockey team in the history of the world pursues its quest to show the universe how pretty it is. However, in a moment of shocking inhumanity not unlike that terrible scene in “Schindler’s List” where Ralph chastises Liam at the train station, the Bell Centre Boys showed astonishing cruelty during Game 3 of the Eastern Conference Quarterfinals of these 2011 NHL Playoffs. Indeed, while dismantling the ridiculous Boston Bruins for the past few days, your sensational Montreal Canadiens have displayed a card not seen often by its wholly championship-deserving fan base, the mercy card. And the last thing the Bruins need now is mercy. Who does not know the famous saying “Let us put you out of your mercy”? Words to live by. Putting someone out of his or her mercy is a noble and humane thing to do. Instead, the Bruins get their wagon hosed down and live another day, thus prolonging their agony in manners as humiliating for them as they will be effortless for the Habs. That was a cruel thing do, for the Montreal Canadiens have only given the Bruins false hope.

Some would propose that toying with them as does the cat with the mouse sharpens the predator’s killer instinct, but there’s always that chance, no matter how slight, that the mouse may escape, run under the house maybe, find a hole up into the pantry somehow, start gnawing into your aged brie, sleeping in the chicken bouillon mix, taking his craps in the corn flakes, you get the idea. Suddenly, you’re like “Hey, Mr. Fluffikins, what the hell? I got mouse shite between my teeth and my soup tastes like hairy plaster; why didn’t you kill that frikker when you had the chance?!”

So why the mercy?

Your committed reporter rang Jack Marty’s doorbell for 45 minutes last night in order to seek out the straight dope once the coach inevitably accepted to open up.

-How exactly did this mercy card thing come into effect?

“We didn't compete the first 30 minutes of the

game. We figured that would do it.”

-No, I mean, why show mercy when you’ve clearly proven yourself to be the superior club? Why not finish your opponents off?

“Mercy isn’t physical. It's mental. It’s all happening up here” said Jack tapping his forehead. “It's your responsibility as a professional to be ready to show mercy when the time is right. (he paused) And I forgot my cuff-links at the Boston Four-Seasons, I get them on my time, that’s 1200 bucks out of my pocket and this way...hey, are you texting that?!”

The tone perceived in the last question was your cunning reporter’s cue that the interview was

over forthwith. The lunge towards the smartphone however, was the cue that it was time to run.

-I’m out, fatty! Bookin, yo!

“Hey! Get back here! Jeeves, release the raccoons! Hey, that fence is electrified, buddy! It’s your funeral if you touch it, I swear to god!”

He was bluffing about the fence. Curiously though, not so much about the raccoons. The pants were lost but the straight dope was secured regardless and dutifully passed on to you, dear reader.

More updates when hallucinations and frothing at mouth subside.

THE PRICEBERG COMETH AND THAT RIGHT GNARLY

2011-04-16T10:40:00.012-04:00

Not unlike the worst carnage Satan’s brattiest Hellspawn could ever get up to, such is the manner in which your Stupendous Montreal Canadiens wreaked havoc against the same-old unsuspecting victims of yesteryear...stop us when this isn’t funny anymore.

It has been a long and arduous trek from the shadows of anonymity that was the regular season to the halls of prominence the NHL Playoffs hold in store, but The Beautiful Team is more than up for the challenge in this Anno 2011…especially if last night’s dismantling of the eternally indulgent Boston Bruins is of any indication. Cuz…damn, what better circus act is there? The strongman drops the barbell on his head and the trapezist swings away with the girl; it’s amazing!

That the Bruins would display their time-honored skills of choke-job artistry isn’t surprising. That the visitors would present themselves as lambs for the slaughter only to later reveal themselves as wolves in possums’ clothing and eventually humiliate the Bruins in front of their fans and all the world to see for the who-knows-how-manieth time isn’t anything to start ringing the church bell about either. No doubt that after 80 years of back and forth, certain tendencies don’t only have the scent of familiarity, they downright stink of it, so all in all, this latest miasma was par for the course between these clubs at the end Game 1. Habs up; Bruins down. Such is the way of the world.

But what did come to light in all the hoopla, is how utterly tremendous the Priceberg looked. How spectacularly and fabulously his stock has come to rise. How totally unequivocally his stature as the superstar

goalie of the hour, bar none, has been established.

Despite all the tough talk, despite the assurance their regular season victories at the Habs’ expense gave them, which account for HALF of the victories the Montreal Canadiens registered against them, mind you, despite their vaunted size and strength and supposed ability to clog up the crease and “take away the Kid’s eyes”, the Bruins ultimately did what they did best against the greatest hockey team in the history of the world: they lost handily and were dominated by a peachfuzzy goalie.

Watching the drama unfold and the Bruins’ confidence suffering blow after blow shift after shift, your faithful reporter couldn’t help but be reminded of his Ecclesiasticus, as you probably all were as well, dear readers. Was it not said:

“The prayers out of the mouths of the Just shall reach the ears of the Kid, and judgment shall come for the wicked speedily. He that has to be reproved in the box walks in the trace of a loser: and he that fears to lose will turn to his own heart and choke on it. He that is mighty by boldness is known afar off, but a skilled man knows to slip the puck by him. He that builds his house as losers before him charge to build his house, is as he that gathers himself stones to build a boat, a loser. The congregation of losers he assembles is now like heaped together, and at the end of either ends is a flame of fire, burning red, and white, and blue. The way of losers is piled high with failures, and in their end is only hell, and darkness, and golf.

But he that keeps justice shall get the understanding thereof. The perfection of the use of fear to waylay those weak of mind is in itself wisdom and understanding. He that is not wise in good, will not be taught, but there is a wisdom that abounds in evil as the wise man knows.”

Game 2 looms, and a fistful of evil may yet descend on the wicked. And like the Capitals and

Penguins before them, the Bruins will “stick to the plan”. From the mouth of upstart babe Brad Marchand, “it has to go in sometime; we just got to keep plugging away”. We north of the border properly encourage this young buck to spread the word.

Has to go in sometime, right?

More updates when evil laugh subsides.

HABS GM UNABLE TO TRADE SPACEK FOR CROSBY AND MALKIN

2011-03-01T10:09:00.003-05:00

ATLANTA — Despite a series of phone calls to Pittsburgh Penguins GM Ray Shero on NHL trade deadline day, Habs GM Pierre Gauthier was unable to acquire the semi-talented forwards, Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin in exchange for mega-superstar Jaroslav Spacek.

"I truly don't understand Ray's position... This was a trade that could have benefited both teams," said a frustrated Gauthier to your debauched reporter disguised as a vegan hooker in the GM's limousine after the deadline had passed. Pierre confessed that he had even tried to sweeten the deal by offering forward Tom Pyatt for the "bag of pucks" that is Kris Letang.

"We would have gained sorely needed offense, while the Penguins would gain experience, lower their payroll, and give something back to their fans."

Gauthier also confirmed that that the Vancouver Canucks had pulled the plug on a potential Sedin Twins - for - Jacques Martin deal at the last second.

PREPARATION H (THE 'H' IS FOR 'HATE')

2011-01-28T08:41:00.002-05:00

MONTREAL - With the All-Star break upon us, now is a good time to evaluate your Montreal Canadiens and how they have done up to the unofficial half-way point of the season. Are they good? Are the bad? Are they contenders? Or are they just pretenders? Do you like them? Or do you hate them?

So let us make that evaluation...

First, some of the individual players:

P.K. Subban - This kid is what the NHL is missing. Commissaire Bettman wants to promote the league, but he wants the players to be dull and drab too (you can't have it all, Betty). This kid has the flamboyance of an NFL wide receiver, a talented NBA All-Star, or that drunk guy on the bus who wears his underwear on the outside of his pants. But admit it... If this guy played for any other team, you would hate the SHIT out of him.

Scott Gomez - Hey, NHL! Gomez's move is to carry the puck into the zone by himself and stop short just after the blueline looking for someone to pass to. He never shoots either, so don't worry about blocking shooting lanes. Shhh... It's a secret... Or at least it must be since no one appears to have picked up on it despite the number of years he's been in the league.

Hal Gill - God forbid an opponent get's behind this guy on a break. My grandmother skates faster than this dude. She likely takes a harder shot too. And she probably makes better cupcakes. For shame, Gill. For SHAME!!!

Andrei Kostitsyn - Psst... The net is that way.

Tomas Plekanec - Honestly... The goatee and turtleneck thing? For some reason that reminds me: how is Stephane Richer doing these days?

Carey Price - You know he'd be so much better if he didn't listen to country music.

And the team:

Put simply: this is an exciting team to watch! They clog up the neutral zone, stifle speed, limit shots, grind in the corners, take little to no chances, get it deep, change lines, repeat. Oh wait, did I say exciting? Zzzzzz....

The powerplay is awesome! Except for when it's not. Because when it's not, good lord! Did you guys just learn to skate? Are you holding your sticks upside down? Is your helmet on backwards? The PP is great, or it's AWEFUL (and that does not mean "full of awe").

The penaltykill is awesome! Actually, it kind of is. Well, unless Plekanec is in the box.

I hear line changes are a bit of a problem. Can't be that bad though. This is a professional team, afterall. It's not like they'd take more than one or two penalties a year, right? What's that? ... NINE TIMES?!?

This team's 5-on-5 play is pretty good. Except for when it suddenly becomes 6-on-5 play. See above.

Don't you HATE that you LOVE these guys?

More updates as events warrant.

UNDERCOVER MEDIA AGENT INFILTRATES HABS RANKS

2011-01-21T12:20:00.015-05:00

In every industry, it’s all about getting an edge, how to stand out from your competitors. And it’s no different for newshounds. Now, as you well know, one thing (some say the ONLY thing) Habsbros is good at is standing out. Foreseeing this, as well as the need to one day be forced to get our hands on some inner-circle straight dope to infuse our stories with the proper pathos they deserve, we planted a sleeper agent within the organization. Your sneaky reporter himself was the one who activated that agent with the key phrase “potato salad looks good, eh?” when sidled up to him at the cafeteria.
Operation: Gaining access by any means (GABAM!) is now underway. It has taken weeks for the proper conditions to assemble themselves in order to set our dastardly plan into motion. If we have neglected our duties towards our readers as a result, then we beg forgiveness, but…with the economy, the lack of parking spaces outside the port-o-potty/office of Habsbros Central, well… good personnel is hard to come by so we often gots to do this our own damn selves. Yeah, it’s a bitch. Ain’t gonna lie. There’s danger of exposure at any second, risk of alienation at any moment, and the smell of nasty jock-strap at every turn; it’s not easy. But we do it anyway. Out of love. Love for you, dear readers. Whenever the odour of nasty, rotten, crawling, probably fungus-infected 10-yr-old nut cups hits our nostrils, we think of you, because that’s what gives us the motivation to carry on.
It wasn’t easy to sabotage Max Pacioretty’s equipment. It wasn’t easy to bribe Buffalo Sabre Mike Weber to hurt one of our own players. Do you know how hard it is to give someone the flu on purpose? It’s not easy. These were the moral hurdles we had to jump every day.
The crimp in our plan was Dustin Boyd. The front office believed that no one would claim him on re-entry if he was called back up. And we were tempted to believe it. But good luck with that, because the grapevine says Boyd was so pissed about being relegated to the minors, he not only wouldn’t give it 100% on the ice, but would actively seek to score in his own net then key Gauthier’s car after the game. The whole situation was very delicate. It wasn’t hard to start the rumour.
With these obstacles out of the way, our mole’s integration to the club was assured. Fair-haired, fair-eyed, fair-heighted, fair-weighted, no distinguishing features apart a distinctly bovine look, which suits him (and us) quite well, all things considered, we consider him to be the epitome of “bland”. A 4th line player who, as opposed to Tom Pyatt or Ryan White (initially proposed as candidates for the operation), has an unpronounceable name, and of course, it’s a scientific fact that people don’t talk to folks who have unpronounceable names. Our man is therefore anonymous as well as androgynous. His attributes have meshed into a perfect storm. Talented enough to keep up with other players but not talented enough to attract attention. Foreign enough to be ignored but Aryan enough to be given the benefit of the doubt as to his presence in the dressing-room; he’s absolutely ideal.
Here are his prime directives: 1) confirm or deny Pleky running out of gas. 2) confirm or deny Iginla acquisition. 3) observe and report on jock-strap cleaning methods.
The fourth directive, of course, is classified. Security reasons.
We expect Swede muffins to be whispered in our ear in no time at all.
More updates when such warrants.

GABAM!

PK SUBBAN PUNCHES TOMAS PLEKANEC IN THE FACE

2010-12-28T10:26:00.011-05:00

The last two weeks have not been kind to your Extraordinary Montreal Canadiens. Since learning that their superstar defenseman Andrei Markov would be out for the remainder of the season, unable to accommodate the Belgian authorities with the proper paperwork for the transfer of his artificial knee out of a bonded customs depot, the team was forced to heap more responsibility on their young phenom blue-liner, PK Subban. This has not met with stunning success to say the least. PK’s +/- went from +9 to -2 in that time, the defenders stopped clogging the middle, the Priceberg stopped pulling game-savers out of his ear, the scorers stopped scoring, and it all ended in tears with the rookie being sent to the press-box. It was easy to take it in stride the first few games but after half a dozen, the thought of choking down another arena hotdog while wearing a tie instead of hotdogging it on the ice was too much to bear and the young man was intent on making his case to rejoin the line-up for the game against Washington. You can imagine your ho-humming reporter’s surprise when informed as he shuffled in that PK was ruffling feathers by causing a kerfuffle during a scuffle. He had just exhibited his renowned grade-A intensity by sending a devastating right cross to Tomas Plekanec’s jaw as the centre tried to cross the blue line.
“It's practice, it's battling. It's tough." said Subban when asked to confirm. "When you're doing three-on-two drills and three-on-three, there are going to be chippy battles out there. You've just got to work through it. Give credit to Tommy for workin through my fist. It was a good practice today."
But he wasn’t done there. When Maxim Lapierre’s turn came to run the same play that Plekanec just had, he yelled across the ice for PK not to try that same crap with him, which of course, only motivated PK even more, and instead of a right cross, Lapierre found himself caught and grabbed from collar to crotch, turned upside down, and power-slammed into the ice. A melee ensued despite PK pleading it was an accident and Jack Marty giving himself an aneurysm blowing on the whistle.
"We see that all the time. When you are not playing, you've got to practice hard and make sure you are ready for the game when you are called on," said Captain Gio afterwards. "I thought it was a good practice by everybody and that stuff is going to happen when you're practicing hard. Lapierre was just mad cuz he accidentally swallowed his retainer."
Next came the power-play drills with shots from the point aimed at the slot for deflections. The indication was to keep the shot low. PK’s first shot hit Hal Gill in the face. While the 6’7” tower of power was bleeding his teeth out in the crease, Roman Hamrlik skated over to the young defender in order to give him a stern talking to, confident that his experience and prestige across the NHL would pull the young star into rank. But he was sorely mistaken and frankly shocked to see a round-house elbow coming his way. As Roman moved to dodge, he was grabbed around the waist and backward souplexed to the ice so hard that he didn’t regain consciousness for 18 minutes and realized he had bitten through his mouth-guard when he did.
"These things happen.” Mathieu Darche later said. “What's important is that we tone down the intensity against our opponents because if we play as we do against one-another, we’ll be spending the whole game in the box."
Coach Jack Marty pretty much thought the same way and decided to pull PK off for the remainder of the drill. As the kid came off, steaming with “intensity”, he pushed the coach face first into the back wall, grabbed him in a full Nelson, turned him around, and managed to smash his head at least three or four times against the sideboard ledge before Assistant Coach Kirk Muller succeeded in yanking him off.
“Completely normal.” said star Canadiens sniper Michael Cammalleri. “It’s a physical game and you have to respect the kid’s commitment to it.”
Once the practice had ended and after the complimentary knee to your devoted reporter’s sternum, PK Subban summed up his thought process concerning the passion he puts forth in order to perfect his skills.
"Like I said at the start of the year, my mentality is to come to the rink every day, try to learn, and get better. I get better by breaking heads. That’s my game. They told me ‘Don’t change your game’ so I’m not. This is me not changing my game. This is the game I always had success with. It's the same thing now. Every day, you're learning in a different way how to hurt people and you have to take it all in positively. Today was just another opportunity for me to go out there and get better and try and make the best of it and today, I think I did that. Especially if all those ambulance sirens I hear are an indication.”
-Do you think your effort today will be enough to get you into the game tonight?
“I hope so cuz next time, I’ll have to up the ante and instead of ambulances, it’ll be hearses.”
-No, what I meant was…
“Hell with this.”
*POW!*

More updates when senses return.

STALKING RYDER

2010-12-23T15:54:00.002-05:00

SOMEWHERE IN SWITZERLAND - After several run-ins with the authorities regarding past discretions, your well-probed reporter has finally returned to good 'ol Canadian soil. Unburdened by European repression, this report could finally be logged.

As you have no doubt been reading, we at HabsBros have been chasing down former Canadiens greats to see what they are doing now that they no longer play for the most glorious of teams. We expected this to be a short task as we honestly expected most of these individuals to have taken their own lives by the ancient Japanese art of Hara-Kiri, or through a glorious Kumite. Oddly, however, they just keep being alive.

The latest in the line of players requiring an interview from yours truly was none other than Micheal Ryder. He was found languishing in anonymity in Switzerland, playing for some pee wee team call "EV Zug" (is that even a name?). This is how the interview went:

- Thank you once again for taking the time from your *snicker* busy schedule to talk to me.
"Uhm... No problem, I guess."
- Let's get this started, shall we?
"Sure."
- So, Mr. Ryder, how are you coping with not only being mercilessly fired by the Montreal Canadiens, but also, evidently, by the entire National Hockey League?
"What?! Hey, none of that question made any sense!"
- Which part? The part about you being a washed up loser, or the part about just being stupid?
"Excuse me?"
- Listen, you're the one who wasn't good enough to stick with the NHL, Mr. Ryder, that's not my fault. No need to get defensive.
"That's not even my name! Did you even do any research before you came out here?"
- You're right. I shouldn't be calling you "Mister". You don't deserve that. I mean, after 85 goals in your first three seasons, you fell out of favor pretty fast. Enjoying the night life a bit too much?
"Okay listen, you've clearly got me mixed up with Micheal Ryder. That's not who I am."
- So you're trying to forget the past? That's probably wise. I'd want to forget too.
"Look, I'm not Michael Ryder. He plays for Boston. Haven't you noticed? He plays you guys like 6 times a year!"
- HA! Oh man, that's a good one! You're mistaken, good sir. Do you really think I'd confuse you for Glen Metropolit? Sure you guys look the same, but come on!

...

- Seriously though, do you still like pancakes?
"Oh man, I can't get enough of those delicious fluffycakes... Wait! What?! No! That's not me, that's Ryder who likes pancakes, man! Stop trying to trick me!"
- Why would I try to trick you? You are who you are, and that's Micheal Ryder, former Hab, former virgin, former dude with a reason to keep on living. Why do you have to hide that?
"I'm Glen Metropolit!"
- No, he plays for Boston. And he has some diginity left. You don't.
"This interview is over!"
- Will you at least be headed back to your Newfoundland home this summer?
"Obviously, but I... Hey! NO! I'm not Ryder! Stop it!"

And with that, Ryder stormed out, back to the hills to eat some chocolate or whatever disgraced former NHL players do when they get deported to Switzerland. This columnist, however, when home and delivered the straight dope, off the record, on the QT, and very hush, hush.

More updates as the pancakes cool.

YOUNG HABS GETTING THE SHAFT?

2010-12-21T14:01:00.010-05:00

Your Destiny-driven Montreal Canadiens are in Texas tonight to take on Mike Ribeiro and his band of chicken-fried gumbo-eating cronies. Normally, a hockey game presented nearer to Tijuana than your house to a corner-store wouldn’t receive much press, but it is in these circumstances nonetheless that both of the team’s most talented young players have been shown a red card by the club and are to sit out tonight’s game: Benny Poolio for a hit on his +/- sheet in the last three games, and PK Soobie for consistent giveaways after undeserved initial benching. The young Habs are getting the shaft. That much seems clear. Yet, your adamant reporter sought confirmation before publication and called up the Lavalife Hotline to get said young Habs’ voice-box numbers so we could exchange on the matter.
-Benny, do you think you’re getting the shaft by being relegated the way you are?
“Well, the coach sees the game the way he sees it, and I need to work harder to earn more time on the ice. I think I’ve been playing pretty good but there’s always room for improvement to be, you know, more consistent.”
-Yeah, but don’t you think you’re getting screwed though?
“No. I think that as a young player, you have to pay your dues and work hard all the time. The team wants me to succeed if they traded for me, so they’re doing what’s best for me for the future.”
-Yeah, but, don’t you think you should be playing more and that it’s total garbage that Eller is preferred over you, especially on the top line?
“Well, of course I want to play more but…”
-Ok, thanks, Benny, I knew it was garbage right from the get-go.
“Wait, I didn…”
.Beep.
-PK, do you think you’re getting the shaft by being benched tonight?
“Getting the shaft, no, I mean, a young guy coming into this league, there’s gonna be mistakes, you know? I mean, we all saw it, I have to be more careful with my passing sometimes, because a mistake like that, and next thing, it’s in the back of your net.”
-But considering every team has young players they’re breaking in, don’t you think your coach has his head up his butt for sidelining you and stifling your learning process?
“Watching the game from the press-box is part of the learning process sometimes. I think the coach, and the whole staff really, are doing their best to make me a better player every day and, like you said, it’s a process and I’m a young player, and there are gonna be mistakes sometimes.”
-Don’t you think the coaching staff should just admit to themselves as well as the whole world that they don’t have the first single solitary clue what the hell they’re doing and to just let you frikkin play?
“Well, I think that might be going a little too…”
-Yeah, I though that might be it too. Thanks, PK. Got all I need.
“But…”
.Beep.
With direct confirmation from the persons involved following Benny Poulio’s assertion that playing Eller ahead of him was total garbage and PK Soobie’s more-than-plain suggestion that the coaching staff didn’t have the first clue on how to treat him as a player, your diligent reporter (pictured right) could now present his article confident in the knowledge that the truth mirrored his opinion and wasn’t the product of other influences apart utmost objectivity.
The Young Habs are getting the shaft and it’s just a matter of time before…
.Beep-beep.
-Hallo!
“Straight-dope Factory?”
-Speaking.
“Jack Marty here. Two kids just called me, peein in their pants. What are you doing over there?”
-Doing my JOB, Jack; hell you think I’m doing?
“I think you might be getting ahead of yourself and maybe you don’t want to post what you’re thinking of posting.”
-I think maybe I do, Jack.
“Maybe we can work something out.”
-Yeah? How?
“I’ll put’em back on the ice. Red card revoked. They’ll play tonight.”
-You serious?
“You knows it, baby.”
-Ok. Hey, that’s great.
“Done. Ciao.”
.Beep.
Ok…uhh.., well now, this just goes to show how great a team like the Grandiose Montreal Canadiens can adapt to situations on the fly, dear reader. They see a problem, in this instance, me and my big mouth, and they head it off at the pass. Foresight. Initiative. Focus. Execution. Playing the young guns is certainly proof of their brilliance in all those aspects. Sitting out Benny Poolio isn’t a garbage move because they didn’t do it, and the coaching staff DOES know what it’s doing because PK Soobie ISN’T sitting. It just works out so nicely once again. The organization understands that the young Montreal Canadiens are the veteran Montreal Canadiens of the future and they need to be given the confidence to go with their responsibilities despite the occasional mistakes they may make. In fact, no other team in the history of the world understands this as perfectly as the Masterful Montreal Canadiens do, and I can assure you that THIS time, it’s objectively-speaking.

More updates as events warrant.

GOMEZ LIVING UP TO CONTRACT; ON PACE FOR 113 PTS

2010-12-17T13:29:00.013-05:00

Double Stanley Cup-winning living legend Scott Gomez has been on a torrid point-getting streak for the last two games, registering 4 points and as many assists. One cannot help but observe that if he performs as well for the next 50 games, the speedy forward will finish the season with 113 pts, cracking the team’s single season 100-pt mark for the first time since the 1985-1986 season when the Little Viking led your Awe-Inspiring Montreal Canadiens down St-Catherine Street with the most sacred of chalices in one hand and a Kroppkaker in the other, boasting a 110-pt output during the regular season. Your security-dodging reporter made it a point to collect some of the Alaskan’s team-mates’ thoughts on the matter after last night’s convincing victory over their closest rivals in the North-East Division.
“Well, he’s just leaving it all out there, you know?” said his long-time friend and el capitan of the club Brian Gionta. “We went out to grab some dinner at a Chinese all-you-can-eat buffet last week and at some point during the evening, he just kinda got this look come over his face; I don’t know what happened, but the next morning, he was all fire and brimstone and he just kinda brought it to another level since, you know? Can’t explain it; sometimes it’s better not to look for a reason and just go with it.”
“A lot of the game is the mental aspect part of it; that's what a lot of guys say in this league.” suggested Tomas Plekanec, not a bad centre in his own right. “I think it has to do with Gomie taking some time to visualize the game and the type of contribution he intends to bring to it. I know for my part that he always takes 15 minutes in the bathroom by himself to think about that before he suits up. It looks like it’s paying off.”
“I think it’s a question of chemistry, really;” offered top sniper Michael Cammalleri. “Scott and I, we looked at how to combine our skills when we were paired together; we tried different experiments; we proposed some ideas and some theories to get some sort of reaction and though some of the results were interesting, there was nothing conclusive. And we ultimately had no choice but to accept the overall findings despite the resistance some of our personal feelings were generating at the time. It wasn’t working, that much was plain, and though I hate to admit it, I might’ve been bringing him down a bit and I guess I needed to see that. But right now, it’s just great to see that a player like that is on pace to break a great record like Mats Naslund’s because that’ll surely help the team; that’s just amazing.”
“There’s a reason the New York Rangers gave a contract like that to Scott Gomez.” Coach Jack Marty said afterwards. “He’s a leader. He’s a veteran. He understands the game and what a team needs to do to win. And if you look at last spring, he was definitely a part of our success in the playoffs. I think the problem was him wanting to do too much for his team-mates and he stopped skating so they could catch up to him. We had to remind him that his speed was his most devastating weapon and it was hard to generate if he wasn’t skating. So seeing him now on pace for 113 pts, that doesn’t surprise me or the organization one bit. He has the skill, the speed, and the vision to be a dominating force in this league and as we can see, that’s definitely happening right now. For us, the acquisition of Scott Gomez is a feather in the cap of the team because he’s been worth every penny. We are thrilled with his production and as his numbers over the course of the last two games show, had no doubt that he would step up to show that he is the best player on the team by a country mile. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go help the boss write some checks.”
There you have it, dear readers, the straight dope, straight from the horse-hockey’s mouth: Gomez worth every penny; on pace for 113 pts. Insert into hat and wear.
More updates when events warrant.

HABS RUNNING OUT OF OPPOSITION

2010-11-25T13:42:00.005-05:00

The question facing the greatest team in the history of the world at the start of the 2010-2011 NHL season was whether last year’s success was the result of coordinating lucky breaks and ephemeral flashes of brilliance or if they were really that good. Now towering over the North-East Division like the lords of all creation, the answer seems unimportant, because the REAL question is: who can stop them? Who can face them and survive the humiliation? Who is left that dares to stand against your Invincible Montreal Canadiens? Is this it? Is this the best this League has to offer? Well, it’s nice, but…where’s the beef? Because from where we're standing, it looks like the Habs have run out of opposition.
The proclaimed “best team in the East”, the Cappers have YET to show themselves, still applying cream to their red faces after being smacked around last time they played the bleu-blanc-rouge. The Detroit City Wings have grudgingly accepted to host the Beautiful Team next month but only if they’re spotted a two-goal lead. The Blackhawkers? Stanley Cup champs? Cowering in the West, they steadfastly refuse to accept the challenge. It was only after threat of relocation from the League’s commissioner at the last second that a game between both clubs was squeezed into the final week of the regular season. Some “champs”, pff. Where’s the beef?
Pittsburgher, Couver, Beantown, Philly, and Los Angleeze however, have all been ground into chicken fodder and spread on a sandwich. They folded easier than a ten-dollar bill jammed in a pole-dancer's panties. They were run through like a LAW rocket shot at some jell-o and swatted aside as if they weren't even there. Pathetic. Honestly, where’s the beef?
Now, complacency threatens to rear its ugly head if the club becomes devoid of worthwhile opposition. Montreal scouts have been sent far and wide to unearth a team, any team, who can go three 20-minute rounds against the Tricolore but the first reports sent back indicate this may have been an entreprise easier envisioned than accomplished. It will be up to the team to play through the adversity generated by the level of skill the weaklings they play against have to offer and still maintain their own superior level of play regardless, because it looks very likely that with no one left to stop them, they may very well run the table, and what kind of fun is that? Someone should be watching the store, no? Where’s the BEEF?
Where is the pride in this League? Where’s the sense of Duty? Is everyone going to just stand there and let your Commanding Montreal Canadiens just lay down the law like an 8-year-old in a kindergarten class? Who can stop them? The 1972 Soviets? The United States Army? Mike Ditka?
Everyone likes to win, sure, but how about making it a little interesting?
Where’s the BEEF, dammit?!! More updates when irrelevant rants warrant.

HABS FANS TAKING THINGS WAY TOO SERIOUSLY

2010-11-16T08:35:00.003-05:00

BROSSARD - During a post-practice interview yesterday at the Canadiens' facility in Brossard Quebec, team captain Brian Gionta said (off the record) that fans of the team are "taking this whole hockey thing way too seriously."

This reporter was surprised to hear such a bold statement from such a prominent and important figure on this, the Greatest Team in the History of the World. In search of more, your eager journalist asked Gionta for an opinion on an article posted on this site regarding Lars Eller.

After several minutes and through helping the Captain with a few words (as is always required with one of Ericson's submissions), a laugh was shared and "cold ones" were cracked.

"Look," started Gionta, "the fans have their opinions and even go so far as picking and choosing which of the players should play together, and then try to match them up against opponents so that they are at a disadvantage. Apparently, they really get into that.

"I mean, whatever happened to going out there and having a little bit of fun on the ice? Fans of this team are tight-asses, I tell you. Wasn't like this in Jersey..."

Such a candid conversation with such a great individual left this blogger with the reaffirmation that the traditionally "offensive" material on this site is due both to something called "free speech" and to "really not giving a shit."

LARS ELLER MAKING A SPLASH

2010-11-12T13:43:00.007-05:00

Your Majestic Montreal Canadiens are dominating the North-East Division, sending their opposition into panic-stricken, closed-door, war-room conferences in an effort to determine how in Lord Jebus’ holy name to counter such supreme awesomeness and from what spring of superior hockeyness doth it emanate. Obviously, those efforts have failed, for your Royal Montreal Canadiens are still right where they should be, at el numero uno, but the reason those efforts have failed is because everyone is looking everywhere except where they should, that is, at the sneaky Dane, Lars Eller, the fantastic return on the Jaroslav Halak trade to St. Louie.
Such was the spiel your impressionable reporter gobbled with glee when he had occasion to meet the team’s head coach at the home-based daycare operators strike taking place in Sainte-Julie. Proudly hoisting a placard with the words “We want more money for takin care’o’kids all day long! We’re sick’o’the kids!”, Jack Marty agreed to share his thoughts.
“I’m sick of the kids!”
-Can we talk hockey, coach?
“Hit me.”
-Is the team contemplating sending Lars Eller down to Hamilton?
“What? Why would we do that? He’s doing such a great job. A good player who’s helping the club. Making a big splash with us.”
-Cannonball or poop dropping in toilet splash?
“Cannonball.”
-So do you consider to have gotten good trade value in the…
“Yes, I do. We are still surprised that St. Louie would part with him.”
-Are you surprised then that he’s not producing?
“He IS producing. It’s just the League hasn’t properly looked at the tape where he touches the puck a little before we score but it’s quick and you can hardly see it. We’ve actually sent a letter to the home office about it and we’re still waiting for a response so I can’t really say more about it until that’s settled with the League, so don’t ask me anymore questions about that, please.”
-Why is he only playing 5 minutes a game? Don’t you think he would develop better if he saw more time on ice and began to gain experience, good or bad, against this calibre of play?
“Well, we can’t play him more because if we did, the games would end much too lopsidedly and we don’t want to embarrass the other clubs or have the games degenerate into brawls because that’s what would happen. We’re biding our time over here. The kid is so good, he would paint a target on his back and we feel it’s too early in the season for that. He’s doing just enough now that we win, yet he remains in the shadows, so to speak, so that when it’s all on the line, we then can take the leash off of Lars Eller for real and let him go at it. He’s our ace up our sleeve…
-And nobody knows it! , your blurting reporter realized.
Jack Marty nodded his head solemnly, then put a finger on his the tip of his nose.
“Nobody. Has. A clue.”
-Nobody sees it!
“Nobody even THINKS about it.”
-Nobody CONSIDERS it.
“How can they if it’s so well hidden?
-That is a. Mazing!
“All part of the plan.”
-You sneaky bastards!
"It's what we do."
-So Eller is great?
“Eller is friggin fantastic.”
-And he’s the reason we’re winning?
“Well, we’re winning, aren’t we?”
-And Lars will take a prominent role some day?
“He’s gonna hog the limelight like a pig on Broadway. Just you watch.”
-And St. Louie…
“Will be crying in their soup like bitches. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m here to support these wonderful ladies. See you later.”
Your inspired reporter couldn’t help but laugh heartily because today was a beautiful day and your All-Singing, All-Dancing Montreal Canadiens had it aaaaaall worked out. Every angle, every perspective, every direction, all foreseen and all accounted for; even the wild card, a fabulously talented Dane dissimulated under the guise of an utterly useless shlub in order to escape the opposition’s gaze. But soon, they will all tremble at his might and once again be forced to give reverence to the greatest team in the history of the world for their wisdom as well as their powerhouse performers.

More updates when vindication warrants.

POINT, COUNTERPOINT

2010-11-08T17:29:00.002-05:00

Extract from Toronto Sun

HABS LOSING BIG TIME
The former "Greatest Team in the World" has lost its stronghold. The mindless slaves and zombies are returning to the reality that is a below average team. The Canadiens are being brought to their knees.

Frank Wilder, scientist and hockey enthusiast, entered the Bell Center on Saturday night to witness the team's latest loss. He braved the storm that was the anger and frustration of the "faithful" that had suddenly lost faith. He was determined to reach the bottom of this.

Pierre Gautier, GM of the Montreal Canadiens could not be reached for comment at press time, so Wilder was forced to speak to other prominent figures from within the media. Most notably, "The Habs Man" from the great HabsBros blog.

Wilder asked if The Habs Man had lost his faith in the Canadiens.

"Okay, so I have, alright?" he responded. "I've betrayed the human race by voluntarily giving up my belief in this team. I mean, how many times do I have to say I'm sorry before I'm forgiven? Fifty? A hundred? A thousand? Tell me!"

"Let's start with once," came a reply from the crowd. "Once would be a good start."

Extract from Montreal Gazette

EVERYTHING IS FINE

Point - Everything is fine! Pierre Gautier says everything is totally fine, and I have no reason to think otherwise. Anyone who doesn't think everything is totally fine has a screw loose. Everything is totally fine.

Counter Point - Fine? Try awesome! Things aren't just fine! They're totally awesome! Saying thins are just fine is crazy, when things are as awesome as they are! Things are just plain awesome!

BENOIT POULIOT BUSTING MOVES

2010-10-30T12:46:00.012-04:00

Few teams around the world would have the audacity to even suggest any contention for the role of Greatest Team in the History of the World, even disregarding the fact that your Superior Montreal Canadiens are, sans surprise, mind you, currently holding first positions in the North-East Division, the Eastern Association, and the National Hockey League respectively. But even FEWER teams would dare to propose owning the rights to an extraordinarily-talented player who was as vicious, as barbaric, and as dangerous as Benny Poolio, especially not after witnessing his emergence in the rough-and-tumble atmosphere of the most demanding professional sports league on the planet. And indeed, it is that emergence which has led this team to these utmost heights.
Your cell-phone number-triangulating reporter (pictured left) got in touch with the Hab hero after another game-winning performance.
-That was a nice game-winning goal, Benny. Against a Stanley Cup champion team to boot.
“Yeah, it felt good. But I took a little mustard off the shot because it would’ve gone through the net, then the glass, and mighta hurt somebody in the stands, and we have clear instructions from the League not to get involved with folks in the stands. The fact the goal came against a great, great team like the Islanders doesn’t change anything. What’s important is not hurting the fans.”
-Still, that puck got in there in a hurry. And a nice play by Halpern to set you up.
“Yeah, I was yelling at him to pass. He did a great play and he heard me at the last minute when the 'D' closed up on him. It was a perfect pass.”
-Puck seemed to be hopping on the play. He could’ve missed it though.
“He knows better than to miss a pass for me. The coaches would’ve been on him for making waves.”
-Wh…what does that mean?
“They say I’m a wild dog, man. That I’m totally nuts. They keep repeating that to me and hey, maybe they’re right. Everyone keeps telling me I’m the best player on this team and that I should take my gloves off, (they mean my metaphorical gloves, not my hockey ones, of course) and use my innate hostility to my advantage. I’m thinking about maybe considering doing that, but awww, I dunno.”
-Why are you played on the 4th line if you’re best player on the team, Benny?
“Because they’re scared of me, I guess. No one wants to play with me. Too much of a rebel, they say. Gomie is sleeping; Gio is slumping; I got five points; I'm playing great, and I’M on the 4th line? Do the math. I’m getting blamed for the veterans playing like crap. So instead, they say that I could be a part of Halpern’s acclimatization process towards the team, like the guy’s never played hockey before or something.”
-Well, sure seems Halpern’s responding. He’s producing.
“Of course he’s producing; he’s playing with me.”
-You lead the team in hits. What is it about you that brings out the most aggressiveness aspect of the Montreal Canadiens?
“I’m good at hurting people. I don’t mean to be; it just comes natural. Do I enjoy it? No, it’s just business. I’m just playing my game out there. The guys who want to hinder me playing my game get demolished; it’s just that simple. It’s not my fault that I’m a full-blown reckless maniac, honestly. I get half a chance and I go on full attack like a wild animal. I can’t help it; it’s what I do, man. I pounce. Totally Wild Kingdom.”
-Why do you fall down all the time then? I don’t see that on Wild Kingdom.
“Well.., I guess I get to projecting on the pain I’m about to inflict on opponents, which releases endorphins in my brain and I get giddy. Get dizzy, lose my balance. I still have to work on that, you know, mentally. But even on my butt, I can pass and I can score and I’m really, really dangerous, and I sure don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings, but don’t mess with me, man.”
-Are you guys planning to celebrate the win somehow tonight? You are playing tomorrow after all.
“Yeah, I’m gonna cut loose a bit, maybe add a teaspoon of sugar to my decaf.”
-You’re totally out there, Benny. Coaches ok with that?
“I don’t care, man; I’m crazy. I say what goes… I mean, if that’s alright with everybody and everything.”
-What can we expect from you as the season wears on?
“Same thing you’ve seen so far: total domination on the ice whenever I touch the puck, the vision of a shaman, softer moves than the Road of Silk, and the wrath of god incarnate when I hit somebody.”
-And there’s no holding you back?
“Hold me back? Listen, Minnesota couldn’t hold me back, the coaches can’t hold me back, the 4th line can’t hold me back, nothing can hold me back. I’d like to see any nancy boys freakin try holding me back. You want to be in 1st place or not?”
-Benny, you my boy.
“Screw you, weirdo.” *Click.*
There you have it, dear readers, the sign-off of a stone-cold pit-fighter. He’s called Benny Poolio, but he’s better known as Psycho Boy: the Kid with the Goofy Face and the Will of Steel.

This article brought to you by Mental Nuts. There’s no toughness like Mental toughness. Mental, That’s One Tough Nut.

STALKING SAKU

2010-10-26T21:21:00.002-04:00

ANAHEIM - In your humble reporter's ongoing saga of stalking ex-Canadiens, the next stop was former captain, Saku Koivu. No, he's not dead like you thought he was. Instead, he's moved on to play for some Junior B club called the Anaheim Ducks. Apparently, they used to be mighty.

After days in the bushes outside Koivu's home, sifting through trash and befriending hobos for information, yours truly was discovered by some other guy from Finland named Teomafor Sellaneak (or something like that, I mean, who can understand these people?).

Fortunately, this sly columnist was able to talk his way out of being reported to the authorities and managed to get a story out of it. This is how it went:

- So Mr. Koivu, how have you been?
- "Relaxed. This is not at all like Montreal."
- But what do you do now that you're retired?
- "What? I still play hockey in the NHL! Wait... I'm sorry... Are you handicapped?"
- Only when I play golf.
- "..."
- Anyways, what NHL team are you playing for? I was unaware of others besides Montreal.
- "I play for the Anaheim Ducks. So does Selanne over there. Yeah, I know it's not a real team, but keep it on the down-low okay? He gets upset when people tell him that."
- Sure thing. What's it like to play out here? Having played in Montreal, it must be so easy, yes?
- "Well, yeah. It's a joke out here. But the trick is to make it look like you're trying really hard, when you're really just chillin'. You feel me, dawg?"
- Surfer slang?
- Sort of.
- "So what's you're best moment here so far?"

At this point, the story must break, as just writing down the words spoken by the former captain don't do the story justice. For this moment was so poetic. So beautiful, it brought this stoic journalist to his knees.

Koivu's Anaheim story? Well, it is a simple tale... Of incredible bravery.. And unmatched heroism...

In a game against the Dallas Stars, he was on the ice... Alone... The Stars outnumbered him one hundred to one... So the odds were almost even...

Almost.

Others on the Ducks were not strong enough for the task. Casualties of war, no doubt. But also casualties of love...

Despite the world stacked against him, Koivu still managed to score five goals on one single shot. And upon his return to the bench, a hero's welcome.

Plus some smooching from some chick in a tight sweater.

Amazing... Truly amazing... Your staunch reporter was taken by the story and impressed at what had transpired, saddened only by the fact that it had not occurred in Montreal.

Unfortunately, after retreating back to the low budget motel the meager HabsBros budget afforded him, this reporter sought the truth, as he always does. And found that what had really happened was that Koivu had been hit by Mike Ribeiro and had staggered to the Anaheim bench crying and bleeding, then he fainted.

But we'll let our captain have this one though.

More updates as events warrant.

KOVALEV JUST NOT INTO IT ANYMORE

2010-10-25T09:00:00.002-04:00

OTTAWA — You may have noticed that your favorite reporter has not updated on this site all that often recently. This is due mostly to the fact that yours truly has been kicking off a new series on the site called "Stalking Your Favorite Ex-Canadiens". Our first stop is Mr. Alex Kovalev.

After badgering our good buddy Kovalev repeatedly, the former All-Star MVP and Stanely Cup winner finally admitted to his totally trust-worthy reporter friend that he's "just not into it anymore."

Kovalev is in the final year of his 2-year contract with the Ottawa Senators, a deal he signed after being unable to come to terms with your Montreal Canadiens. However, since signing with the Senators, he has only compiled 50 points, a massive disappointment considering his lofty $5M per season salary.

"Yeah, well, whatever," Kovalev said after a practice to which he arrived, took four or five halfhearted wrist shots, and left the ice. "This whole hockey business isn't really my thing right now. Not since I left Montreal anyways."

When asked if he cared about ever winning another Cup, Kovalev responded, "In Ottawa? Seriously? What would be the point? Now, Montreal..."

More updates as events warrant.

ANDREI MARKOV STILL WAITING FOR PARTS

2010-10-16T12:54:00.007-04:00

It’s called the Rheostar SX3. It is the most technologically advanced bionic knee on the market and the finest example of modern science known to man. It allows the person wearing it the ability to double his speed on slippery surfaces, spring 25ft straight up over chain-linked fences, debilitate adversaries with ungodly charley-horses, fold swimming pool tarps, crush watermelons, crease pants, load flat-bed trucks with a simple kick, and look utterly chic while doing it all. It is the paragon of human engineering and it has Andrei Markov’s name on it.
Only problem is, it’s stuck in a bonded warehouse in Brussels.
This information came to light during a visit at the Markov residence, the motive of which was to pick up a recipe for Veal Orloff. We were discussing which mushrooms to use in the purée when the phone rang and the Norris candidate leaped to attention with a smile on his face.
“My Rheostar has arrived!” he exclaimed.
Smelling a scoop, and conscientious as ever of the responsibility he holds towards the public at large, your methodical reporter made sure to record it all.
“Da.”
-Bzz-bzz-mzz.
“Zdravstvujt.”
-Fzz-bzz-bzz-mz.
“Oh, vuk, now what?” Markov began straightaway rubbing his eyes as if he had a headache.
-Gzz-fzz-bzzels.
“Brussels?! For how long?”
-Fzz-zzz-szz-tzz-kz.
“But I HAVE the vukking certificate. I send you! You have it in hands for two weeks!”
-Rzz-szz-zzz.
“Vhat do you mean ‘arouse suspicion’; I’m a vukking hockey player! It’s a mechanical KNEE!” Now he was shouting.
-Gzz-zz-pzz-nz.
“Platinum, not plutonium! So what if they are stupid? Why must this affect ME? Explain difference between platinum and plutonium, what is problem?”
-Zzz-gzz-fzz-zzz.
“I tell everyone I will be ready for this day, then that day, then maybe this day, then this Saturday…what the VUK?! Now, I look like little vudak waiting for mommy’s birthday!”
-Gz-mz.
“Vhat more? Vhat more do I get to not ‘arouse suspicion’ then?” steamed Markov.
-Vrzz-zzz-mzz-zzz-mzz-gzz-zzz.
“But I don’t need medical expen…expenasure…whatever vukking word is, I don’t…”
-Mzz-gzz-zzz-gzz.
“But this…eto pizd dets…this is vukked up! YOU told me you could rebuild me. YOU told me you had the technology. YOU told me you had the capability to make the first of my kind. Better than I was before. Better, stronger, faster. THIS is what you say to me! Now, I need extra vukking parts and must bribe vukking customs official for this to happen?! Maybe I send some friends over there to peel all your eyelids off with vukking pliers instead! Huh? Maybe I do that, yes?”
-Gzz-mzz-zzz-fzz-zzz.
“Vuk’s sake…” Markov’s shoulders sagged. “Ok. Do it. Vhat the hell can I do? Buy the extra, bribe that vukking clown, and just move it along because I am sick of looking like idyot zhofu. Ty che blyad.”
-Kz.
“Ok, dosvid…oh, vait! Vait a second, hold on, hold on. How much is dis going to cost me?”
-Sz-mzz-dzz.
“SIX MILLION DOLLARS?!! The man’s shriek was so loud that the caged parakeets beside your wide-eyed reporter became panic-stricken and knocked themselves out flying into their bars. Markov heard the commotion and turned to see…and remembered he had a guest.
“Vait a second, you;” he said into the phone. “You,” he said to yours truly, “Get the vuk out. No time for Orloff today. Go get Big Mac or something.”
--But what about the mushroom purée?
“Get the vuk OUT!”
Aw, nuts.

More updates when events warrant.

JACQUES MARTIN HAS ALL THE ANSWERS

2010-10-07T12:25:00.012-04:00

The 2010-2011 NHL season officially gets underway tonight for the greatest team in the history of the world, Your Forewarned Montreal Canadiens. As Coach Jack Marty placed himself under the glare of our floodlights for the morning press conference, we braced ourselves for another round of tired-out clichés so trite in their invention , so lame in their execution, and so offensive in their overall degenerative properties, that if you didn’t ingurgitate a handful of anti-cringe pills a good two hours before the show, you’d be in for an incredibly rough morning. But hey, it’s the job.
The head-coach of the finest team of champions this planet has ever seen began to tap the microphone to make sure it was functioning properly as well as to loudly clear his throat to make sure sound was coming out of it. For us congregated on the floor, it sounded like being inside a shipping container with a sick baboon whilst falling down a sink-hole and banging into every side on the way down. We often wondered if he didn’t do this on purpose in order that we’d be anxious to leave! But it’s so cold outside and the danishes here are so good and we have miles to go before we tweet. So we took a dump in our pants and dived right in.
-What do you think of this new edition of the Montreal Canadiens, Jack?
“This edition is definitely similar to the one we had last year get us to the playoffs and to the Eastern Conference Final. Apart from a number 1 goalie, a clutch-scoring defensive forward, and a power-play rocket-blaster, we’re exactly the same.”
-Is Carey Price ready for number 1 duties?
“Of course he is. Do you think we would trade away the goalie that’s been carrying this franchise two out of the last three years and the Olympic Titan, Jaroslav Halak, for a Maytag washer and two tickets to “Eat, Pray, Love” if we weren’t sure? Of course we’re sure.”
-Will the flu keep him out of the first game?
“We’re still determining that, determining, that is, whether he can play tonight with the flu or whether we can use that flu as context for his performance.”
-What does that mean, Jack?
“Forget what it means; just write it down.”
-Would Lars Eller have made the team if he’d been drafted instead of being a return on the Halak deal?
“Why you gotta ask questions like that? Don’t ask questions like that.”
-You’re the reason Benny Poolio is here instead of Latendresse. How do you propose to make him a more consistent contributor this season?
“Those are coaching techniques best left between me and him. He knows what this organization expects of him, and that’s mainly to strive so that we don’t lose face in the deal. That’s an added incentive for me and I intend to work very hard with Benny so that he can be an important element to our team and that we do not lose that face. It’s up to me to get him to take that next step forward and I enjoy that challenge as a coach. How I actually do it, like I said, is between us, but it will be simple and efficient, that, I can tell you.”
-Have you sent the video of Nino Niederreiter incurring Cammalleri’s wrath by not being nice to him to Colin Campbell?
“Uhh, no.”
-What kind of leash will Andrei Kostitsyn be on this year?
“A Glanzen & Beckner ball-choker 3000.”
-How do you feel about Tomas Plekanec’s mindset going into the season with his new contract?
“How do I feel about his mindset? I guess I feel great about it. He’s shown that he can step up in the preseason and prove to the organization that he’s ready to play. We never doubted that. We just doubt he can do it in the playoffs. Mindset. You know. But we feel confident with him as a player and a leader on our team.”
-What’s the game-plan heading into your confrontation with the leafs tonight without, arguably, your three most important players?
“Game-plan? It’s the leafs. The game-plan will be to keep the puck away from them as long as we can without laughing and to score at will until they send out the goons. Same game-plan as always.”
-Surely a player like Kessel gives cause for concern?
“Not for us he doesn’t. We’d rather have Tyler Seguin and a 1st round pick, first of all, and secondly, once he’s checked, who’s left? A team of monkeys, that’s what’s left. And I assure you, the Montreal Canadiens can beat a team of monkeys with half it’s roster, nevermind only three missing, any day of the week and twice on Thursdays. So if they wanna play a second game after we trash them the first one tonight, we’ll certainly entertain the notion.”
-Final breakdown, please, Jack?
“Hit me.”
-Poolio, Kostitsyn, Eller.
“Meh.”
-Gomie, Plecky, Lappy.
"Feh.”
-Boyd, Halpern, Picard.
“Heh…”
“Spacek, The Hamr, O’B.
“Blehh!”
-Carey Price.
“Greatest guy in the effin world.”
There you have it, dear readers, the straight dope as always. As for the 2010-2011 NHL season that carries the unimaginable weight of expectations borne out of a magical run that only allowed the team to squeeze into the playoffs, which were handed over sealed-and-delivered by the Jesus Express courtesy of a player who’s no longer here, your dastardly machiavellic Coach Marty was heard to remark
“Bring it.”

As we intend to do when events warrant.

HERE WE GO AGAIN

2010-10-07T09:23:00.004-04:00

MONTEAL — As winter tightens its grip on this, the greatest nation on Earth (by the way, that's Canada), hockey fans from coast to coast are breaking out their team sweaters and preparing to dig in for this latest thrill ride that is the new hockey season.

In the USA, however, the story is a bit different (no matter what NBC says)...

"What? Hockey's back? Well, I'm glad they finally got that lockout thing resolved," said North Dakota resident Gary Johnston. "I remember I used to see some games on TV now and then," he paused and looked into the air as if recalling some perfect memory. "Come to think of it. It's nice they're going to have that again."

"Well, in any case, I hope we can at least beat the Soviets again," Johnston added.

Unlike the well-informed Mr. Johnston, true fans of the NHL (like us here in Canada) know that there is nothing quite like the game of hockey. And it took its sudden disappearance from the world of competitive sports during the lockout a few years ago to cement us all as hockey faithful. And with the new season upon us, we die-hard fans stand upon the precipice of the great events that are sure to occur, and we cannot stand to wait any longer.

Mr. Johnston is equally excited as he claims his anticipation of being thrilled by the breathtaking exploits of household names such as Bobby Orr, Mario Lemieux, Darcy Tucker, Paul Coffey, Barry Melrose, the Quebec Nordiques, and Wayne "The Great" Gretzky.

Game on, baby... Game on...

More updates as events warrant.

MONTREAL CANADIENS HOLD TALKS WITH KOVALCHUK

2010-07-24T04:27:00.010-04:00

A pleasant summer to you all from Habsbros. To business: Incensed at not seeing any Kovalchuk acquisitions for the Absolutely Flabbergasting Montreal Canadiens in the last week, your over-zealous reporter sought to get some straight dope from Mr. Bob Gainey’s surrogate on the issue. The first attempt forever involves the time-honoured plan of springing out of some bushes. Since no bushes possessing enough foliage to conceal oneself properly but not enough to scratch one’s delicate epidermis were to be found in any strategic vicinity of satisfactory springing towards said target, that plan was scrapped, and the consecrated-by-tradition one of breaking into the third sublevel of the Bell Centre’s east wing basement to jimmy the phone-transcript file-cabinet drawer was put into motion instead. And we struck gold.
The Montreal Canadiens have talked to Kovalchuk.
(SAT. JUL. 10.10)
“Da.”
-“Is this Ilya?”
-“Who is dis?”
-“This is Pierre Gauthier.”
-“Who?”
-“Pierre Gauthier of the Montreal Canadiens.”
-“Ah, yes. Montreal. Hockey City.”
-“That’s right! Yes.”
-“Old men in Ruskova love Montreal. Big pride for that city.”
-“That’s right. Tradition. We have a bond with Russia.”
-“I am not old man.”
-“Uh, well, no, but that doesn’t mean…
-“How much?”
-“We were thinking 50 million for …”
-Click.
-“What the..? That mutha-fu..!”
(Connection terminated)
Any normal team would have folded their tents and packed it in right then and there. But not your Supernormal Montreal Canadiens, dear readers, no sir, not them. The thing about champions, you see, is that they make friends wherever they go. A quid pro quo here and a tit for tat there amongst friends in high enough places and you can shift the North Pole six inches to the left if you’ve a mind to it. Well, the Habs' friends are as high as a kite. Umm...err…well, yes, moving on.
(TUE. JUL. 20.10)
-“Da.”
-“Ilya.”
-“Who is dis?”
-“Pierre Gauthier.”
-“Who?”
-“Pierre Gauthier! Of the Montreal Canadiens, for cryin out loud!”
-“Ah, yes. Montreal. Where they make the best jokes. Very funny in Montreal.”
-“Did you find it funny when we got your deal nixed?”
-“…what?”
“I asked you if you found it funny when we got your deal with Jersey shot down.”
-“You did not do that.”
-“We didn’t? Oh, ok. Well, maybe you should think about that anyway, you know, about what the Montreal Canadiens can or can’t do being in the League for a hundred years and everything. Or maybe our friend Dmitriy can help explain it to you.”
-“…”
-“Would you like that? Call Mr. President on conference? Talk about the Markov thing maybe? Wanna do that?”
-“…no.”
-“Oh? No? So I guess I don’t need to explain it then? I got your attention now, ya Ivan bastich?”
-“…yes.”
-“Good. We have a deal you might like. If you could just hear me out for a friggin second.”
-“Yes, I hear you with pleasure.”
-“Ok, I want you to listen to me.
-“I listen.”
-“Two-year deal.”
-“Yes.”
-“Fifty million dol…
-Click.
-“Sunova-Bi...!”
(Connection terminated)
These have been the extent of the talks between the Crafty Montreal Canadiens and the would-be superstar so far, but already, we can see that some progress is being made and that Mr. Bob Gainey’s avatar isn’t afraid to go after some big fish. With a little slack here, a little wiggle-room there and a final sudden yank, that big juicy Russian tuna could flop right into the boat and dump its caviar all over the deck at a moment's notice.
Yummmm, Russian caviar...any minute now.
More straight dope as summer warrants.

HABS DIDN'T WANT CUP ANYWAY

2010-05-25T08:51:00.002-04:00

MONTREAL - As The Glorious Team arrived back in Montreal, they walked in with their heads held high. And rightfully so. The Canadiens achieved everything they wanted to achieve.

Be better than the Leafs? Check

Make the playoffs? Check.

Beat down Ovechkin? Check.

Smother Crosby with "love"? Check.

Have the leading goal scorer in the playoffs? Check.

Get shutout three times in the Conference Finals so as to boost the confidence of the Philadelphia Flyers and then sit back and laugh while they come crumbling back down to Earth against the vastly superior Chicago Blackhawks? Check.

Devalue Carey Price so as to make him cheaper to re-sign? Check.

Appear on "Cabbie on the Street"? Check.

So really, why bother winning the Cup? They have achieved all that they wanted to achieve. It was sheer will and determination that made that happen. And it was not without resistance that these goals were met.

Take for example, The Man.

While your humble reporter does not typically subscribe to conspiracies against a team for which there is some clear personal bias, there were cases this post-season that really questioned that standpoint. In other words, the NHL really did not want the Habs beating either of their golden boys (Ovechkin or Crosby).

Like David v. Goliath, Steve Austin v. Vince McMahon, or the precedent setting, hippies v. government, your Montreal Canadiens waged war against the odds and against the powers that be. They would have fought God Himself if he hadn't thought twice and decided, "whoa, fuck this shit."

But in the end, after meeting their goal, the Habs simply decided that this was enough. It wasn't that they were tired. It wasn't that they lost that loving feeling. In the end... It was Sergei Kostitsyn.

Yes, after defeating the glamorous Capitals, and the mighty Penguins, the Canadiens had an internal meeting wherein they concluded that winning the Cup would mean having to engrave Sergei's name upon the same surface that holds glorious names such as Richard, Beliveau, and Richard. That, dear readers, simply will not do.

So in being eliminated from the playoffs, your Habs paid the ultimate sacrifice, and proved themselves heros once more.

We at Habsbros salute you!

More updates as events warrant.

HABS BACKS TO THE VOID, BACK TO BACK TO BACK SERIES

2010-05-23T13:09:00.013-04:00

Well, here we are. Old stomping grounds. Know the place well. Backs to the wall. Your Marvellous Montreal Canadiens are facing de-marvellification yet again. And yoopy-doo, to everybody’s favourite, the oh-so distinguished Philadelphia Flyers to boot. So if the thought of having the most beautiful Cinderella story in the 2010 NHL playoffs halted wasn’t sad enough, let ignominy now steal the show. Many faithful had accepted the possibility, even the probability of not hoisting the Greatest of Cups; a loss to the best team in the League, the reigning Stanley Cup Champs or the Western contenders would not have been... insulting. Your aggravated reporter set about collecting the facts explaining why that is.
Aah, Philly, let us count the ways in which we hate you.
1) You stink. From here we can smell your putridness. Dog poop isn’t soap. Sewer scum ain’t shampoo. Go take a walk to the nearest fire department and stand near the hoses; they’ll fix you up.
2) You’re ugly. Ugly beyond all human conception. A century of inbreeding and bestiality has certainly taken its toll. Clock-stopping, mirror-breaking ugly is what you are. Looks like a mix between gorilla and a bucket'o'slop. And those are the ladies. We have it on good authority that aliens woulda visited this planet to mate long ago if it weren’t for you. You understand what we’re sayin? We’d be travelling the stars and getting it on with green chicks if that one pocket of humanity wasn’t bringing the homa sapien appeal-factor down.
3) You’re bad. You’re bad people. Mean. Amoral. Immoral. Umoral. Just no moral. Haters. Bullys. Insecure summamabitches. Can’t be trusted with company, can’t be trusted with a drop alcohol, can’t be trusted with kids, can’t be trusted with friggin Santy!
4) You’re stupid. I mean like stumbling around with a finger in your nose goin “Duh-duh-duh!” stupid. Right rank stupid. Only thing more stupid than you is a slug. Don’t know nuthin. Don’t know about human behaviour, don’t know about aforethought, don’t know about discipline, clearly clueless about all forms of sport strategy. Dim-witted idiots. Disgusting.
5) You’re lucky. No talent. No grace. No class. No flair. No plays, really. Just luck. Luck against us, that’s all it is. That’s why you never won the Cup again. You can’t. You’re a disgrace to everything hockey stands for. Every game you play brings the credibility of the League down more and more. People watch and say “But they have no talent. It’s just luck; I’m not watchin this.” And then they switch to the dart competition on ESPN Ocho or whatever. That’s what they do. Nobody likes you.
6) And finally, you stink. I mean, really bad. I don’t know if I mentioned this but it’s really, really bad. It’s like some tumours busted inside your bodies, maybe it’s a medical thing and you’ll be dead within a week, but if this is au naturel, lemme just say “Ouch!” cuz y’all need to get that checked. It’s just awful. You know when your nose-hairs start shrivelling and the top of your cheeks start tremblin and you start to gag and you know you just won’t be able to keep from pukin but you manage it anyway and that somehow makes it worse? That’s how bad you stink. You absolutely reek. Mostly of dishonour and failure, we would guess, but either way, the stench is horrific. Honestly, take a bath. Lotsa soap. Not dog poop. Soap. Try it out.
Obviously, there are many more reasons to hate the Flyers, and far be it from us to prevent you from enumerating some below, dear readers, but since Habsbros deals only in absolutes, we chose the reasons that were logically unassailable. We don’t debate at Habsbros; we lay down the straight dope.
Now, the Beautiful Team is staring down the void, out into the abyss, into Eternity (for three months), sword at its throat. Those ghosts of Forums past we hear so much about? Still in Tijuana apparently. Stuck at customs. Something about cocaine. We sent a reporter down. Haven’t heard back. Boys’ll have to do without. So basically, it’s all on them to recapture the magic by their own damn selves. What the rest of us can do is keep doin what we’re doin. Except do it better. Remember, it’s all about the Team.
So pray harder, you wusses!
More updates IF events warrants.

THE UNDERDOG ROYALE

2010-05-16T12:40:00.008-04:00

And then there were four. Three commendable hockey clubs and one blessed by the angels in heaven, the Beautiful Team, turning all prognosticators on their ear as easily as a drunken Ferengi (if you know your Star Trek), are all that remain in the fight for the greatest of chalices, Lord Stanley’s Cup.
The main focus of attack for your Shifty Montreal Canadiens has resided in their ability to parlay the underdog card. They were the underdogs, they had no pressure, all in good fun, just here to play. How sweet. Problem is the disgusting Philadelphia Flyers are using the same stratagem. Can two underdogs coexist in the same series? Your confused reporter set about to find out and posed the question to each team’s defensive stalwarts, Chris Pronger and Hal Gill.
“The Flyers are in-your-face, obnoxious and ugly, and I mean that as a compliment;” said the giant Canadien defenseman (pictured left), “for us to be considered as such would be a gross overstatement, so that means: underdogs. “The Canadiens are furtive, polite, and pretty as you please, and I mean that as an insult;” was the Flyers’ goon’s reply (pictured right), “and since everybody likes them and hates us, it stands to reason that we are the underdogs.”
It was then that the mistake of conducting these interviews at the same time in the same room was made apparent.
“Hell YOU talking about?” Hal Gill demanded. “We’re the underdogs.”
“Hey, whatever, man. If you can’t spot an underdog when you see one, that ain’t my problem. Aren’t you late for your pylon race anyway?” Pronger smirked.
“Pylon your skull in is what I’m late for.”
“Ooo, a tough guy. You know, I’d like to see that.”
-Gentlemen, please…was all your cowering reporter could muster.
“This underdog’s gonna ram this Sherwood so far up your ass, you’re gonna have to tape it through your nose. How do you like that?” Gill snarled as he got up from the divan.
“Will that be before or after THIS underdog gives you a face-wash with his skate?” Pronger replied, casually unfolding himself out of the recliner.
-Guys, please, c’mon, let’s remain…
Too late. The gargantuans clashed in the middle of the room like two locomotives, fists flailing, knees rising, headbutts raining, and elbows connecting with sickening accuracy. It was only when the third tear-gas cartridge was launched into the room by the alerted authorities that a measure of order was re-established.
But amidst the swearing, the crying and the blood-letting, Habsbros still got the scoop: NEITHER of these two are underdogs. The only underdog was your broken and trampled reporter, who should have thrown himself out the window at the earliest opportunity, as he is quite confident that the injuries sustained in a three-storey drop would have had him heal earlier than those incurred in the interview-room brouhaha.

More updates when the casts come off.

No Flyers, please.

HABS ELIMIN- WAIT... WHAT?!?

2010-05-13T09:08:00.002-04:00

SASKATOON - TSN analysts said the Habs would lose. CBC analysts said Toronto was great. Hockey pundits from all over the WORLD agreed that a Habs win would be a sure sign of the Apocalypse. Hell, even Nostradamus predicted a Montreal loss. If Maggie the Monkey had her chance, she would have spun that lying wheel of treachery and foretold a loss from your Beautiful Team.

Well Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all! This squad of overachieving bastards are going to the next round, if only to piss off Sergei Kostitsyn.

Your intrepid reporter hopped on the wrong plane and ended up in Saskatoon instead of Pittsburgh. An honest mistake by Air Canada, given that the city names rhyme. Unfortunately, that left yours truly in a place so desolate and behind the times that the only form of communication available was the telegram. But this may have made the game even more exciting.

While the official NHL statistic shows that Jaroslav Halak made 37 saves on 39 shots, the telegrams told a much different story. Your mathematic journalist counted 158 THOUSAND saves. Here is an excerpt showing that Halak was even making saves while Moen scored the fourth goal:

Penguins powerplay STOP Shot by Crosby STOP Stop Halak STOP Shot by Malkin STOP Stop by Halak STOP Stop STOP Another stop STOP Great stop by Halak STOP Cleared by Moen STOP My arm hurts a little STOP Moen steps around Gonchar STOP Shot by Moen STOP Scores STOP My heart STOP My heart has stopped STOP Sweet Jesus someone call an ambulance STOP ... STOP

More updates as THIRD ROUND begins. STOP.

FROM ORDINARY TO EXTRAORDINARY, HABS KNOW THE DRILL

2010-05-08T11:06:00.008-04:00

This planet is 4.54 billion-years-old. It has been witness to many wondrous events, from the formation of a viable atmosphere through photosynthesis to the creation of life itself. It has observed spectacles such as aurora borealis to 100-ft tall tidal waves with casual aloofness where mere mortals would cower in awe. It even bears the scars of war by asteroid assaults, shifting tectonic plates, and nuclear testing, but nothing, NOTHING, comes close to the epic trial it must now endure with the Titanesque Montreal Canadiens in Pittsburgher for Game 5 of the 2nd round of the 2010 Stanley Cup playoffs, the Beautiful Team, smashing everything in their path like a jack-hammer through an egg-carton.
Always on the prowl for some straight dope, your favourite reporter caught up to the Pittsburgher captain (pictured left) and brought up his team’s game-plan.
-What do you say to those who accuse of crying and whining every chance you get?
“You try to treat every chance differently and make the most of it until it’s stopped by Halak. Those things, those crying habits and everything you practice, that's when those things come into the game. You've got to trust your skill to whine and trust yourself to do it at the proper time before it can be stopped by Halak.”
-Isn’t it sometimes too much though? Don’t you feel it’s time to change and become a man?
“You try to make sure you are doing your part. I wouldn't change anything. Honestly, I wouldn't change what I am doing out there. Because at the end of the day, it’ll be stopped by Halak anyway.”
-Whining didn’t help you win Game 4.
“But you can always analyze different things when you lose, whether it’s whining or stopped by Halak. There’s not much difference or much margin for error. It’s a playoff game and both teams played hard and somebody has to win -- and it’s the Montreal Canadiens more often than not because everything is stopped by Halak, so what difference does it make if I cry and whine or not?
-With the referees now obviously on to your lamenting techniques, will you or your teammates keep moping around feeling sorry for yourselves?
“I don’t think we moped around or felt sorry for ourselves. We just got stopped by Halak. You got to bounce back. We’ve all had to deal with that before -- tough goals or tough non-calls for whining.”
-Are you guys scared of the Montreal Canadiens now?
“That’s what they try to do; they try to control the fear zone and get into your head when it’s stopped by Halak. That’s a battle of how teams play. That’s not going to change. It’s going to be stopped by Halak. That’s their identity. They have got some quick forwards who try to capitalize on our mistakes and some fat d-men who block all our shots. They don’t let us score, they don’t let us get quality chances, they don’t let us cry, they don’t let us whine…it’s tough. And uh.., well…stopped by Halak.”
-Ok, Sid, thanks, I got it.
“Stopped by Halak.”
-Yes! I heard you. Thank you.
With so much weeping your insensitive reporter able to take, he decided to make his way to the Canadiens’ room at Pittsburgher’s practice facility to ask them how they felt about Sid the Kid getting all the attention. But he was stopped by Halak and informed they were in a meeting. No problem, he figured he’d grab a muffin and coffee off the brunch table and wait. But he was stopped by Halak and informed the muffins and donuts were for the Boys. Alright then, he’d go sit down in the stands and wait. But he was stopped by Halak for not having a proper practice press-pass. It was pointed out that a press-pass is ALSO a proper practice press-pass but that argument was stopped by Halak for overuse of alliteration.
It was then your face-making reporter started to get a little frustrated; decided to cut it short.
More updates when stopped by Ha…events warrant.

MAD MAB

2010-05-05T10:33:00.002-04:00

MONTREAL - After the game 3 loss to the Pittsburgh Penguins, your astute reporter snuck into the Canadiens dressing room to get - as always - the straight dope. What was uncovered was even more frightening than anticipated.

Most of the scene was as to be expected. Brian Gionta was giving an interview to those mainstream media hicks, Maxime Lappierre was snorting cocaine, Carey Price was sobbing, and Tomas Plekanec was grooming his goatee. Everyone else was mired in defeat.

Everyone, that is, except for Marc Andre Bergeron.

MAB was in a back corner all by himself. He was smiling an oddly creepy smile, while staring off into the distance. Your inquisitive reporter was then informed by Scott Gomez that MAB had gone a little "nutty" after the big hit at the end of game 2.

Curiosity has gotten this columnist to where he is today; a shiny job on an anonymous internet blog, and herpes. So investigation was warranted.

- Hey Marc. What's goin' on?
- I like cake.
- Can't argue with that. Are you okay?
- Did you know that P.K. is black like Barry White, but I'm white like Clint Black?
- Uh... Deep, but did that hit knock you racist?
- I'm a dream-maker, you know. I've seen things, things you can't even imagine. I can make anyone's dreams come true.
- Really...? Even this one I have where Gary Bettman is jack-hammering Mickey Mouse in the doo-doo hole with a lawn dart?
- Only if Garth Brooks is there giving birth to something resembling a chedder-cheese log with almonds.
- I'd be alright with that.
- Right this way, please.

More updates as the chaffing heals.

SMURF POWER

2010-05-03T11:26:00.011-04:00

The sceptics have been confounded. The doubters have been silenced. The unbelievers have been shot. And all that remains is the glory of your Astonishing Montreal Canadiens. Their continuing mission, to explore new ways to bewilder opponents, to seek out new defensive methods aimed at thwarting high-powered offence and new creative ways to score at precisley the right moment to drive the stake of despait into their adversaries' hearts, to boldly go where they have already gone 24 times before!
LA-LAAAAA, LA-LA-LA-LA-LAA… When something is this amazing, it certainly deserves it's proper theme music.
But getting back to reality, it’s occurred to us at Habsbros that while everyone is so busy being baffled by HOW the Montreal Canadiens are accomplishing what they’re accomplishing, we haven’t got around to asking ourselves WHY they’re accomplishing what they’re accomplishing. What’s the motivation?
The motivation is spite, of course.
Turns out your Cunning Montreal Canadiens didn’t take too kindly to being referred to as smurfs all year long. Which is kind of unfortunate, because we at Habsbros have been sending them all our communiqués on blue paper with a big Papa Smurf in the heading and it would’ve been nice to get a little heads up about that so that we don’t look like a bunch of inconsiderate morons now. But that’s neither in the here and now and we won’t make a big deal out of it because the team is winning.
Point is, smurfs are kicking ass. They have the initial mental advantage of always being able to say “We’re the underdogs; they’re the favourites. We want to win but they HAVE to win.” And verily, with a 19th place overall team making it into the top 16, who can argue with them?
Then comes the game-plan, which consists in frustrating their opposition to the point of petulance. Effectively getting on their nerves with malice aforethought. Ankle-slashing, elbow-raising, rib-spearing, the works. No room to skate, no shots to fire, no goals to score, no momentum to gather and no fun for anybody except Habs fans. Alexander Ovechkin testified when your well-connected reporter caught up to him.
-Can’t beat smurfs, Ovi?
“I think in the regular season and in the playoffs, it was two different teams. One was nice and these guys were mean. I mean, they were just mean. Very bad. Not nice to me at all.”
-You shoulda scored on’em more then.
“But when you don't score, it goes through your mind, 'Why can't I score right now?' Next time you have a chance and you see five snarling smurfs coming your way, you feel like, 'Jesus what happened to these guys?' Then, you start concentrating on Halak too and forget different things. Like how to win.”
And that was the end of the Yankee Doodle Pee-wee Junior B, 4th division hockey club, the Capitals, who were forced to saddle their sheep-ponies back up and ride on home to momma.
Sid the Kid Crosby is now giving us a sneak-preview of deja-vus to come after your Monstrous Montreal Canadiens’ victory in Game 2 of the 2nd round in these 2010 NHL Playoffs .
“It wasn’t a lack of effort, a lack of not preparing or anything like that. Our focus was there. We just got to make sure we are opportunistic around that net and find a way to put it in like the smurfs do.”
-Beat Halak, you mean?
“Look, he played really well. We had some opportunities that we didn't get our sticks on or we got our sticks on and missed the opportunity. He played solid, there's no doubt. But we still had opportunities around the net there.”
-But you couldn’t beat’m, I hear you. Now, they have the momentum going home. It’ll be madness up there.
“You can talk about momentum and things like that, but you have to play the game and earn it on the ice. We faced this exact same situation last series and we responded well, and that is what we will look to do here.”
-You played against maniacal smurfs who forced stifling perimeter play and a goaler who stopped everything in the first round?
“Well.., no.”
-Oh… Well, I’m sure it’ll work out the same anyway. Thanks, Sid.
“Pleasure.”
Yeah, it’ll all work out for them in the end. After all, they are the favourites, right?
More updates as Halak warrants.

CANADIENS AVOID SPANKING, ARE HEROES AGAIN

2010-04-24T11:30:00.009-04:00

ow did Michelangelo convey the plight of men and gods in the Sistine Chapel? How did Mozart put forth such passion whilst but flittering on ivory keys? How did Einstein display the poise and character necessary to present his Theory of Relativity? Very simply, these great men said to themselves “What would the Montreal Canadiens do?” and acted in consequence.
It at first seemed that the Beautiful Team’s initial Game 1 victory in Washington was enough to satisfy their ambition in these playoffs. They all agreed that winning one of the first two games on the road was of capital importance (do not pardon the pun; it was completely intentional). They accomplished that mission. Cheers all around. And then they stopped playing. Having just recently realized that, hey, wait a minute, this could be their last game of the season, your Utterly Fantastic Montreal Canadiens then came out and shut the Cappers down in their own building.
Habsbros decided to get some straight dope and sent your uncomfortable reporter to accost the is-he-or-isn’t-he captain on the matter in the bathroom cabinet of Transat Flight 302 Dulles-Dorval. He didn’t even flinch.
- What gives, Brian?
“We just came out and laid it all on the line.”
- Motivation?
“All of it, you know, if it was going to be our last game, we were gonna give it all we had and it’s with that mentality that I hope, you know, we can go forward that way for the next game.”
- And you avoided a spanking.
“No one wants a spanking on this team fersure. I’m not saying a guy or two here couldn’t use one (coughs) but nobody wants one, no. Fersure.”
- What was the main factor in your success during Game 5?
“Besides Halak, you mean?”
- Yeah.
“Definitely shooting the puck. We talked about in the room and, you know, guys sometimes don’t want to shoot the puck, but it’s when you shoot the puck that, you know, you create chances and bounces and things happen and you can get a goal out of it more often than not sometimes. So definitely to shoot the puck. We think we can have success with that for the next game too.”
- What was your reaction to the coach replacing your line-mate Benny Poolio with Travis Moen?
“Well, it was the coach’s decision and as a player, you just have to go along with it and keep doing your job. Obviously, Benny’s been struggling a bit lately and sometimes a shake-up is good for guys.
- What is it Benny needs right now?
“I’m not a specialist or a coach or anything so I couldn’t really answer that.”
- But you’ve got an idea.
“Yeah, I got an idea. But again, I’m no expert. Let’s move on.”
- How do you compete against guys who are all on the juice? Don’t you find that unfair?
“Well, that hasn’t been proven that, you know, they took anything. It was just…you know, proven that they lied about having it investigated. But as far as competing against a team that’s jacked up on steroids, to tell you the truth, we kinda enjoy the challenge. It’ll make beating them even more fun.”
- You’re the best, Brian, got everything I need, thanks a lot.
“My pleasure. I’m done too. Would you mind wiping? Don’t have much room with you in the way. Thanks. Yyyyyeah. Right there, yeah. Thanks.”
One way or the other, Habsbros always gets the scoop…blechh!
More updates once we wash our hands.

CLONING CAN HELP US

2010-04-23T09:51:00.002-04:00

WASHINGTON - Cloning has been in the news a lot over the last few years. Some people appear to be upset by the very idea. Your learned reporter, on the other hand, is excited by the prospects. Here is the explanation...

In today's world, whenever a mad scientist clones a sheep, a monkey or a Country singer, all the protesters and Palin supporters come out of the woodworks to bitch and moan about the inevitable zombie apocalypse that awaits us if we tamper in "God's domain".

Well I say: fuck 'em. The sooner we screw around with God's creations, the better. Your fatidic ink slinger's greatest fear is of course that he will die before he can see a world populated by bizarre, mutated products of the warped human mind. And that is why the Habs should get a cloned Ovechkin.

An OvechiClone.

People who know your debauched columnist personally may well suspect that the only purpose for getting an OvechiClone would be to have sex with it. And while that's normally a pretty good guess, if there was a choice of anything that one could clone for the purposes of moral depravity, it would NOT be Ovechkin, it would, of course, be yours truly.

No, the Habs need an OvechiClone because the Habs suck. People deserve to live in a world where children and puppies can see hockey as it was meant to be; fun, fast, and totally dominated by The Beautiful Team.

Sure, there might be side effects. Maybe the Habs trainers have to occasionally comb bits of OvechiClone waste out of the "creature's" matted fur. But that seems a small price to pay for global happiness, doesn't it?

And, when The Faithful grow tired of the OvechiClone, Kirk Muller can just put it in the trunk, drive up to Northern Quebec, and leave it on the side of the road. It could run into the woods, frolic, and find its own people and eat squirrels or whatever.

In your unostentatious correspondent's opinion, people who oppose cloning just don't love the Habs as much as they should.

More updates as science progresses.

GAME 4 BUZZ HEIGHTENS AFTER RUMOUS GOMEZ WILL PUNCH OVECHKIN IN THE FACE

2010-04-20T09:43:00.002-04:00

MONTREAL - Anticipation for Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Quarter Finals between Montreal and Washington has reached a fever pitch since rumours surfaced that Canadiens forward Scott Gomez will punch Capitals forward Alexander Ovechkin in the face.

"We haven't seen excitement like this for a hockey game in a long time," said fellow correspondent Bill Mader. "Ovechkin is a guy who preys on goalies' emotions, is missing a tooth, and has a tremendous amount of money. Really, don't you want to punch him in the face?"

Whether it's true or not, the idea that Ovechkin may get badly hurt has captured the imagination of The Faithful, and win or lose, that's something most fans are willing to pay big bucks to see.

When chasing down how the rumour was started, your disquisitive reporter discovered that a trustworthy internet "Tweeter" (whatever that means) found and released a document showing that Gomez had booked a room in a local area hospital for one "Douchebag J. Ovechkin" for Wednesday night where he is expected to be recovering from "multiple blows to the face."

Once this was released to the public, Habs fans immediately began asking just how hard Gomez intends to roundhouse punch Ovechkin in the schnoz. Will he lose any more teeth? Was the choice of hospital such that he will receive poor medical care and come down with some disease that will cause him to writhe in pain for hours?

The news has resulted in fans pouring out theories of just how exactly this is all going to "go down." One fan suggested that Gomez will skate past the Capitals' bench and throw a haymaker at Ovechkin as nonchalantly as possible. Another posited that Gomez will make small talk during a faceoff and just as he is in the middle of commenting about how awesome Ovechkin is, he'll paste a bell-ringer square into Ovechkin's proboscis.

When reached for comment, Ovechkin was curiously demented. "It's great that everyone is thinking about me. I love the provender that the media brings to my noumenon."

Seriously, what does that even mean?

Gomez has not confirmed or denied the rumours at this point, though the Canadiens brass are trying to build on this hype and are marketing the game as the "Cold War". Get it? Because one is an American, and the other is an asshole?

Before NHL officials remedied the situation, the Canadiens Web site had also deployed a Flash game in which players were encouraged to beat a likeness of Ovechkin with a bat, a car, or another Ovechkin.

Another rumour going around has indicated that if the Canadiens can get to Game 6, Sergei Kostitsyn will light Ovechkin on fire.

More updates as events warrant.

CANADIENS BACK INTO CAPITAL CITY, SALVOS AT THE READY

2010-04-15T12:59:00.009-04:00

Your Sensational Montreal Canadiens have accidentally backed into the cradle of world politics on their voyage towards Lord Stanley’s Cup. Due to this unfortunate setback, they will now have to remain in Capital City for the next three days and acquit themselves of the fine imposed, which is to win one out of two games against the city’s rinky-dink, still-wet-behind-the-ears, Pee-wee B, 4th division hockey club, the Capitals. While this may not seem to pose any kind of problem at first, it should be known that in Capital City, not only are monies moved and favours curried like anywhere else in the world, but over here, it’s done more quickly. Seats of Power are a slap-shot away from their arena and if you got the bling, you can talk to the king (pictured right) within five minutes.
We have seen with our own eyes the influence these decisions have over the outcome of that nation’s capital’s games during the regular season and the production of some of their players. If it wasn’t for King Obama, do you really think Ovechkin would have scored so many goals? Please. You can pull the wool over the eyes of most news services, but you can’t slip political influence past Habsbros, not with them dealing the straight dope, you just can’t.
With that in mind, that is, well aware that they have no friends in the Senate, your Cunning Montreal Canadiens have devised the devious and deadly dénouement definitely destined to dash these disrespectful, diaper-wearing debutantes’ best laid plans: the psychological card. It is in the great book “Art of War” that military tactician Sun Tzu says in Chapter 16, 8th column, paragraph 3, line 4, “Thou shalt get into buddy’s head and play goofy with his brain what good, thus screwing up his mojo so he can’t do nuthin cuz he’s so pissed at ya.” Ok? That ain’t no clown off the street, dear readers; that’s Sun Tzu. So hearken.
Tomas Plekanec fired the first salvo when he implied that Jose “The Hair” Theodore was neither Ryan Miller nor Martin Brodeur. … Ooooooooo. The fox couldn’t have gotten freer in the chicken-coop right from the get-go. Complete pandemonium. The coach, Bruce Boudreau began practicing his blubbering. (To be fair though, he’s getting pretty good at it.) He defended his goaltender by saying he preferred Theo's record in 2010 over Miller’s and Brodeur’s. This defence was immediately and purposefully taken out of context, shaken up, twisted up, spiced up like McCain fries, and re-served to the populace with a brand-spanking new meaning: that Boudreau preferred Theodore to Montreal’s young goalie tandem.
Before Boudreau had the time to show off his innovative blustering techniques to rectify this misquote (in his defence, they’re pretty good), he was asked why Ovechkin had injured Theo in practice and if it was maybe his way of trying to get the goalie out of the game because he doesn’t trust him to be able to hold the fort, even though it was well known that it was actually Steckel who had accidentally hit Theo with an errant shot.
This caused coach Bruce Boudreau to snap. Raving about “created controversies” and “it wasn’t him; it was him” and “don’t make sh*te up”, he let loose a tirade not often seen in a professional league and, to tell you the truth, we were all at a little loss. But the reason he reacted this way quickly became evident. Boudreau is using the “focus the attention on the coach, not on the team” technique to protect his goaltender and is whining like an insulted teenager in order to attract mock sympathy towards himself for being misquoted, yet curiously, not towards Theo for being untrustworthy (which, to give credit where it’s due, he does with brio).
He does this because it’s obvious he doesn’t trust his goalie either.
Now their coach and goaltender are shattered before the first game’s even started. Knowing that we still have the “Capital trainer/doctor with the steroids” story up our sleeve, the psychological war is truly underway and the opening volley from the Beautiful Team has been a stunning success. This gives your Confident Montreal Canadiens the strength to walk out of Capital City with their heads held high and half the King’s bling.
More cred as events warrant.

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MONTREAL CANADIENS FEELING THE FEAR

2010-04-08T14:11:00.006-04:00

Your hand-wringing Montreal Canadiens are at it again. Building the drama. Setting the stage for another heart-rending, emotion baring, police-coming-to-your-house charge to the finish line. One point is all The Beautiful Team needs and two games left to pick it up in to secure their playoff berth. But we’ve heard that one before, haven’t we? So what’s to stop this whole thing ending in tears this time around too, you ask? That’s a good question. A very good question. Guess we should answer it then.
It is the fear. The fear that unites us all. The fear that binds us and drives us and guides us and defines us. The fear to suck. Like another team we won’t mention for example. Give you a hint, it’s the only “organization” that can’t even spell its own name right.
See, the Fabulous Montreal Canadiens’s lustre has certainly dimmed in the last 15 years, but they haven’t sucked. Like another team we won’t even take a moment to allude to, but whose last Yearly Plan, it should be noted, consisted in finishing last and trading away its first pick. That was their plan. That was the Concept drawn around the conference table at the Head Governors and Decision-Takers’ Meeting at the beginning of the year. That’s what they decided to do. The horror of being a team like that? Too much for Montreal. So it is with that fear that the greatest team in the history of the world finds the courage and the motivation to soldier on.
And because the Boys have not sucked and just managed to squeeze into the “marginal team” boat, even though we all know that over the years, the other “marginal teams” seem to have beaten the hell out of them more often than not, the Cagey Montreal Canadiens have been able to fly under the radar and avoid undue critiques.
Now, a lot of things can happen under the radar. You can lose the stick and crash into the waves or break the ceiling and go for the destroyer, but one or the other, sooner or later, you know you’re going to have to face the fear. … Unlike another team we won’t mention who never has had to deal with that since last time they went to the playoffs, it was during the lock-out.
In these last two games, your Plucky Montreal Canadiens will be faced with the fear. Manifest fear in the form of the totally disgusting and icky Carolina Caners and the contemptuous shames to hockey, the Toranna leafers. The two rattiest mojo-carrying anti-Hab-spray teams in the League. Yuck! Ptui! Forcing us to beat one or the other of these two rattiest teams in the League to secure our playoff berth will put your Nervous Montreal Canadiens’ character to the ultimate test. There is no doubt about it: it is indeed the final test of the season. The test of fear. Under the radar or attack the destroyer-time.
“Pilot to bombardier! Pilot to bombardier! Strafing left to avoid flak! Drop Daisy-Cutters! Drop Daisy-Cutters! Pilot to bombardier! Brace for fire on second run!”
More updates or death.

BLEU, BLANC, BLANC, A LITTLE ROUGE, AND MORE BLANC

2010-04-06T14:10:00.007-04:00

Whiteout hits the most beautiful city in the world, as your Favourite Team refuses to let opponents score. No polite letters requesting permission, no subpoenas from the Supreme Court of Canada and no American ultimatums threatening military invasion uttered by President Obama himself have budged the Montreal Canadiens’ intransigence on the matter. They are narrow-mindedly stubborn to the point of obstinacy, you could say. Read our lips: No more goals allowed.
“It’s just, you know, not something we’re interested in right now;” said the erstwhile apple in the Apple’s eye Scottie Gomer “we just don’t wanna let people score, that’s all. I mean, we appreciate the letters, the letters are nice, but uhh, thanks but no thanks, you know?”
“Could someone please inform Mr. Lawrence Cannon that though I appreciate the promises of immunity, I am not a Canadian national and therefore do not have to appear in front of the Commission to Force Me to Let One In, and that if he doesn’t get off my lawn, I’m calling the police. Thank you.” was all the number one goaltender would say.
“Oh, it was great meeting the president. I’m really a big fan” said Your Man Gorges, “I shook his hand, everything. And then he’s like, ‘cease and desist’ and ‘binding resolution’ or whatever and ‘unilateral operation’ or something and really, he’s a funny guy. He doesn’t look it but he’s a funny guy. I was laughing the whole time.”
“That’s what happens when your cocks of the walk, definitely;” Coach Jack Marty told your gregarious reporter “you get decide what you want to do in the game and also how you work together as a team to do it. We’re a club that sometimes gives up more shots than we would like but who limits the scoring opportunities. If we look at the Flyer game for example, some say that we were totally outplayed and that we didn’t even touch the puck in the 3rd, but they only had 5 scoring opportunities. The mental challenge at that point is to be able to refuse to let the opponent score. And that’s what we did as a team…walked like cocks and blocked lotsa shots.”
And presumably, that’s what they’ll do as a team on Long Island where they intend to bring the whiteout with them to beset its poor citizens with the worst Hab Storm in 61 years.
Headed by a cold front from Slovakia…but let’s not start that again.
White on, baby.

More updates as events warrant.

SERGEI ON THE PROWL

2010-04-01T13:22:00.002-04:00

LONDON - It is perhaps the worst-kept secret on the Canadiens roster, but our man Sergei Kostitsyn is not a man at all, but rather, a boy. A boy in need of maturing. And who better to mature a young boy then yours truly?

That may have come out wrong.

As a carded member of the male sex, this journalist has frequently been granted access to female units. Being gifted in the art of song, dance, and swollen pantaloons, that ingress has always been easily lubricated. And it is with that admittance that this "playa" will help that poor boy.

Your humble libertine caught up with Sergei this morning and let him know that he was to have a date with an acquaintance of the opposite sex this evening after practice.

It was an excited Sergei that came back into the dressing room this afternoon. Too excited, thought your philandering reporter. Action needed to be taken.

- Sergei, you're a bit wired. You need to settle down, buddy.

- But I excited. I like gurls. They soft.

- Sergei, I'm worried this won't turn out very well for you. Let's work something out together to calm you down, okay?

- Will they be boobs?

- I may have not thought this out as well as I should have. Okay. Listen. Your date is at 7:00pm. What do you plan to do before then to get ready?

- I try to remember where I left lucky socks?

- That's good! Excellent! What else?

- I blog about being nervous and Tweet what I do?

- Well, I suppose if that helps, but I-

- I choose baby names! Yes?

- Okay, I don't think-

- I take off pants and sacrifice small puppy and eat organs with raw fish sticks and jelly bean while listening to Micheal Buble and chanting 'dontscrewthisup' over and over until Oprah comes on, yes?

- What? I-

- Yes! I have it! I go practice with "pro"!

- Sergei, I... Sergei? Hey! Where are you go... Well, this'll go well...

More updates as bail gets posted

YANKEES LOSE, BUY HABS

2010-03-24T16:09:00.003-04:00

NEW YORK - It is well known that two of the most storied franchises in all of sports are the New York Yankees and the Montreal Canadiens. But with the Yankees off to a slow start, owner George Steinbrenner has opted to buy your surging Montreal Canadiens.

In 1993, the Beautiful Team won its 24th Stanley Cup. A parade was heald, cars were rolled over, and things were set on fire. It was glorious. But that has not happened for some time.

Your studious reporter has determined through flawless logic and chatting with reliable sources at local pubs that with the Beautiful Team surging towards immanent victory this season, Mr. Steinbrenner will be purchasing the team.

The worry is that he will make them play baseball. And we all know how well baseball did in Montreal...

After digging a little deeper, your intrepid journalist determined that someone in New York has already acquired the rights to every player on the Canadiens roster, including Jaroslav Halak, Tomas Plecanec, Mike Cammalleri, and even the unborn child of a scientific experiment between Andrei Markov and Carey Price.

When asked if Steinbrenner had gone too far, Yankees fans responded: "What the fuck is 'hockey'? What kind of a name is 'Halak' anyways? ... Wait, is he a Yankee now? Holy shit, he's the fucking best player I've ever fucking seen!"

Steinbrenner also bought a few other teams, most notably the entire NBA.

More updates as further "beverages" are served.

LAZY REPORTER PHONING IT IN

2010-03-21T19:13:00.003-04:00

CABO SAN LUCAS, MX — In an effort to avoid exertion of his fingers, mental activity, and even standing up, your slothful reporter told other Habs Bros correspondents that he would prefer to cover the Glorious Team over the phone.

"I'd really like to turn on the TV, watch the games, and write about them, but I just can't justify waking up and finding the remote," said your totally justified bestest friend (me).

"Anyway, maybe when I get back I'll write a whole bunch of blistering articles. I'm not sure how long it will take me, but I just wrote this email in about 50 minutes, so you can just multiply that by say 20, I guess."

More updates as weeks pass.

UPDATE: Your victimized reporter has been told to get in or get out.

More updates very, very soon.

PLANNING THE RIOT ROUTE

2010-03-13T13:24:00.008-05:00

Your spectacular Montreal Canadiens have kicked down the door of adversity yet again and are furiously pillaging the spoils of an unsuspecting lot of playoff hopefuls. Kicked out of the infirmary for repeated pillow-fights, Tricolore players were forced to reassume a roster position. This, curiously, has led to the icing of a more dangerous team and, oddly, amounting victories as a result. Now, only a cataclysmic disaster of biblical proportions could hope to slow down The Beautiful Team at this point as they stage, once again, a glorious late season rush to secure a spot in the Stanley Cup playoffs. Let no once accuse the Sainte-Flannelle of lacking a flair for the dramatic. … Or they will be shot.
Having thereby established the utter dominance of the Habs’ position in the balance of gods and men, it stands to reason that the Cup is once again set to return home, give its mom a hug and maybe see if it can still fit in its baby cradle. We therefore decided how wonderful it would be if we went down to the streets and talked to the people about how they planned to fete this imminent occasion. Real people. Off the cuff.
We met with Philippe. 18-years-old. Laval resident.
“I will be very appy. I like Canadien a lot. I ope I see de Cup in de street on de day, you know? But when we de Cup, on de night, me and my friends will go in de downtown, you know? And trow garbage can in windows. We are so excite, you know?”
We talked to Dee-Zee Tran. 23-years-old. Did not disclose residence.
“I love when the Canadians win. Place goes nuts. Rich folks get scared, call the cops, and tell’em to form barricades around their stuff. The rest is up for grabs, man! Go Habs go!”
We had a chat with Reginald Crombie. Did not disclose age. Did not disclose residence.
“It was so pretty in 1993, you should’ve seen it. So pretty. I had my bottle of tequila with me and I was a little drunk. Got into a fight with some cop, don’t remember why. Managed to get away from’m but he ripped my shirt. Had to take it off. So there I was with a ripped shirt, a bottle of tequila, and my lighter. It kind of all just came together, you know? Guy left his sun-roof open and just parked all alone. Begging for it. That was my first cocktail, and I knew I was in love. I’m really excited; we have a really good team.”
Finally, we spoke to a man who did not disclose his name, his age or his residence.
“The more pigs we got on the street watchin those fools suits us just ****in fine. Got some ****in business to take care of and it ain’t gonna be pretty. The best part is that we burn everything down and nobody knows it wasn’t those jackasses who done it. Straight-up snatch’n’grab with a score to settle thrown in. Don’t need bullets; baseball bats will do, light a match, get the **** out. ****in pigs none the wiser. That’s why the Canadiens are the best team in the world; you couldn’t get away with this **** anywhere else. Go Habs go, man.”
Aaah, Montreal. Can she get more elegant?
Real people. Real issues. Live, from the streets, Habsbros brings you the straight dope.
More of it as events warrant.

EMOTIONAL TWO WEEKS GIVES WAY TO PASSIONATE RETURN TO ARMS

2010-03-01T09:56:00.009-05:00

Now that all this Olympic hoopla is over and done with, we can get back to the business of talking about the hockey that really matters: Montreal Canadien hockey. One may travel the world and never find a notion as beautiful as the Beautiful Team’s notion, that of stylish elegance delivered as bone-crushing NHL hockey superiority, so, it was only in the spirit of utter patronization that your cagey reporter brought up the subject of its Olympic farce of a counterpart to our returning Gamers.
- How’d it go, Tommy?
“Well, I think I got screwed. Nobody told me we would be speaking in Czech. I might’ve been born there, but I’ve been working my way to the NHL since I was six and I haven’t had time to keep up with the language as much as I should have. I couldn’t understand what the hell was going on or what I was expected to do. Coach didn’t seem too happy but all I could do was shrug my shoulders at him, you know?”
- Marky, what happened?
“We not play with passion. We not play desperate. You see what happened. We get slapped around like clown at slap party. You see who I play with? I want to pass the puck to team-mate and I look and I say ‘Who are you?’ and he says ‘I am Korneyev; I play with CKSA.’ and I say ‘Who?’ And it all goes downhill from there.”
-Jaro, not bad. Not bad at all. Whaddaya say?
“We are satisfied in the way we played. It would have been nice to bring back a medal. The team was working really hard and got a 3-1 lead and…I started thinking of the controversy that was waiting for me back in Montreal and I kind of lost my concentration in the end.”
So there you have it, Hab-following, Flannel-loving, genuflecting Partisans, straight from the horses mouths, your Olympic recap. Now, we move on to Tuesday night’s tilt versus our infamous rivals, the Bos…
“Hey! What about me?”
-Sergei. Little buddy; how you doin?
“You not talk to me of Olympic experience.”
-You went to the Olympics? Snowboard freestyle? We know you like the pipe. Heh, little joke there, Sergei. But seriously, skelton?
-No, hockey. I finish with most points on my team. I am one of overall leaders in all of tournament!”
-Get outta here! Which nation?”
“Belarus!”
-…oh. Well, I mean,.. Sergei, c’mon. Don’t waste my time here; I’m doing this report, ok?
“Pah! Drobonovskyet!”
With your sensitive reporter understanding that last comment as a plea to pursue his preview, he did so directly: The Boston Bruins await the greatest team in the history of the world at TD Garden tomorrow night and since their national pride has just been crushed to smithereens, they seem ripe for the picking. Not that they ever needed a reason to wilt; they’ve been doing it for nigh on 80 years without fail but it’s good to find different reasons why the Habs must shove the Beaners noses in it every time regardless. Shove it good. Faster, higher, stronger; shove it good.

More updates as events warrant.

GAINEY: THE TRUTH

2010-02-12T11:02:00.002-05:00

MONTREAL - Avid readers of HabsBros may have noticed that your intrepid reporter has not posted an article in some time. Well my friends, this is merely because the depths at which this under cover report has come from has required a level of commitment that is unprecedented in this field.

Several weeks ago, your humble correspondent decided it was time to find out just what it was that Mr. Bob Gainey (then GM of YOUR Montreal Canadiens) does (or does not) do on a daily basis. The best way to achieve this goal was to be disguised within his office.

Here are some excerpts of conversations overheard by your abase journalist during his mission:

Bob: Janice, would you be so kind to get me some coffee?
Janice: Sure. Hey, did you get a new chair?
Bob: Hmm... Looks like it. Kind of ugly, isn't it?
Janice: Sure is. Never seen one with a hat before. Anyways, I'll get you that coffee. Also, there's a message from Sutter in Calgary on your phone.
*BEEP*
Sutter: Bob, Darryl here. Listen, I'm looking to offload Phaneauf and I know you've been having some troubles on 'D' this year. Call me, I think we can make a deal.

Well, as we all know, Phaneauf did not come to Montreal. Bob went out for some chili - oh God, the chili - and debated the consequences of having a dominant defenceman on his squad. By the time he decided to think about making a decision, well Brian Burke had already stepped in.

Bob: Janice, would you be so kind as to get me some Pepto? I have some serious gas today.
Janice: Sure. Hey, why does your chair keep gagging?
Bob: Not sure.
Janice: Isn't that annoying?
Bob: A bit, but I like the way it cups me, you know?
Janice: Okay, well anyways, there's another message from Sutter.
*BEEP*
Sutter: Bob, Darryl here. Listen, sorry about that Phaneauf thing. I waited for like a week, so I just figured... Anyways, Jokinen is available too. I know you've had issues with scoring this year and God forbid Cammalleri gets hurt, so if you want him, I'd be willing to take just about anything. Give me a call... I miss you.

Well, again another deal didn't happen. Bob went for some onion soup and refried beans and debated the consequences of having consistent secondary scoring on his roster. By the time he decided to consider looking into making a decision about having a thought towards the situation concerning making a decision, well Glen Sather had already completed a transaction.

Bob: Janice, would you be so kind as to get me some Bean-o?
Janice: Sure. Hey, did your chair just throw up?
Bob: Yeah, it seems to do that whenever I... Well those beans from yesterday...
Janice: That's kind of gross, you know.
Bob: Yeah, but my afternoon porn sessions wouldn't be the same without this chair.
Janice: Okay... Well anyways, there's a message from Waddell on your phone.
*BEEP*
Waddell: Bob, Don here. A long time ago, one of your predecessors tried to get Kovalchuk from me during the draft. I rejected that, but now I have to get rid of him and I wonder if you still have interest. I need to dump salary and draft picks don't help me. So basically, I'm looking to take anything you can offer. A good night out like old times might even be enough. Give me a call, would you?

This was the first time I saw genuine interest from Gainey. His balls were positively sweaty! God I wish he wore pants...

Gainey went for some Panago Pizza and contemplated the consequences of having a bonified 50-goal scorer in the line-up. Could the Canadiens win? Would anyone's feelings get hurt? What if he wanted to wear #23? Does he look good in red? Will he be able to adapt to driving in Montreal? Can he tie a slip knot?

Long story short, another missed deal.

Bob: Janice, where are you?
...
Bob: Janice?
...
*BEEP*
Molson: Bob. Go home. Get out. Don't come back.

More updates when the chaffing stops.

GAINEY BLOWS SUPERBOWL CALL; LAST STRAW FOR MOLSON

2010-02-09T12:54:00.007-05:00

When Tracy Porter intercepted Peyton Manning’s pass and ran it back to the house, it spelled the end of Mr. Bob Gainey’s tenure with the greatest hockey team in the history of the world. Geoff Molson had offered his GM the opportunity to make the Superbowl call in his place in a bet opposing the Montreal owner to George Gillett, chuckling heartily in Vail. Bob Gainey chose the Colts. Having to shave his head in defeat to now be prancing about with a skull-cap and a wig, the humiliated brewer had seen enough, and strongly suggested the GM take the door. Still fuming over how silly he looks in beaver hair, Mr. Molson could not attend the press conference announcing the news. President Boivin took the reins.
“It’s been an honour to have Mr. Bob Gainey here with the Montreal Canadiens. It’s been a privilege to consider him as a friend all this time. He brought us instant class and respectability when he joined our organization. All we could ask more of him was that he be a Saint. Unfortunately, it was the only thing he was unable to do and it is with great regret that we all came to the conclusion that he should step down as of consequence.”
-Mr. Boivin, is it really important that Mr. Gainey be able to call the winner in the American football championship?
“You bet it's important," the team president said. “It's a matter of respect and sensitivity to the reality of frenchies; I mean, the logo is right there on the helmet, ferpetessakes! Far as we were concerned, it was an easy call and he blew it.”
Pierre Gauthier, erstwhile second fiddle, takes the maestro stick and strikes up the Bleu-Blanc-Brass Bonanza. He wasted no time in making friends.
“It's an honour for me to become general manager of the Canadiens," Pierre Gauthier said. "But this day is not about me, it's about the Montreal Canadiens and the future of the Franchise. Our goal is the same as it always was: to prop up the Priceberg.”

Pierre Boivin then coughed and nudged Gauthier in the ribs.
“Uhh, errr, we have two strong young goaltenders who give us a chance to win every night," the new GM amended. "We believe we can go forward with them, and they give us our best chance to get into the playoffs, and if Halak ever decides to drop the ball...” Gauthier then reacted sharply as one would when kicked in the shin underneath the table.
When asked if the Canadiens would be buyers or sellers come trade deadline, the response was less about the fluff and more about the marble.
“We’re builders. We have 11 new players from nine different organizations, and I think we only have four frenchies,” Gauthier said. “Getting the team to where we want it to be is part of an ongoing process. That means we have to move ahead directly with our plans to achieve success, namely, to sign Tomas Plekanec as quickly as possible and to foresee the Saints as winners of the next Superbowl, both of which we are prepared to do at this juncture. And the frenchies? Whoa, baby, watch the frenchies is all I gotta say. That’s how you build a winner, chéri.”

As if to prove the point, Gauthier's first move was to send White and Trotter back to Hamilton and keep Desharnais as lone hanger-on with the club.

We're in business now.
More updates who dat warrant.

NO MORE DISTRACTIONS; HABS NOW ENTER NITTY, SOON GRITTY

2010-01-27T13:55:00.005-05:00

Amidst the galling reports of strife within the club, the only man preaching how wonderful the chemistry was in the room compared to last year’s crop of underachieving maggots has been tossed off the team. His cheeriness was apparently getting on everybody’s nerves.
Said George when informed “Is that being a distraction? I never made any negative comments just so I wouldn't be a distraction. I never did anything to embarrass the team. If they said that, then this club of a-holes is worse than I thought.”
Looking for a new job might not take as long for the enforcer as initially expected since he has been offered a position on a Swedish club, the Afferblattenborg-Itterungblung-Klattenfrotzenberg (AIK) Stockholm Express. Reached for comment collect by your cheap reporter, the Swedes conceded that George Laraque couldn’t do worse than their last goaltender. Only thing left to do now is to collect his belongings at the Bell Centre, yet this is also posing a problem for the big man as his security clearance has been revoked and his card won’t work anymore. Reached for comment in the underground parking lot where your dedicated reporter had spent the night, Mr. Bob Gainey said “I don't have a copy of Georges' code, I don't know what it is, I think the code is that you're here for your stuff when you get canned. After that, it's not your code anymore, it's our code.”
So Master Laraque will have to do what your sociopathic reporter does when he needs something from the Temple and break in without any regard for the damages that occur during the execution.
Now, the effect this has had on the club seems to be a positive one since the past shows how well the team plays when everyone is at each other’s throats. Without Laraque there to interpose himself, Cammalleri immediately jumped Lapierre, Metropolit attacked Moen and Markov gave the Priceberg a spanking with a wet towel in front of everyone.
This produced three wins in the last four games for a 75% success rate. (Editor’s note: this report was written in the possible future wherein the Habs creamed the Lightning 7-3; score may be slightly different in reader’s future.)
More punch-ups as victories warrant.

LAPPY LAPPING UP THE LATITUDE

2010-01-17T12:43:00.006-05:00

After Saturday night’s loss to our depleted little cousins from down the 417, the post-game reporter scrum seemed to be more pressing as elbows and hips were used to secure the best spots available around the podium, and knees and ankles were used to clog up all the available spots left in the vicinity. So much so, that having stopped at a candy-machine along the way for an extra shot of glucose, your dedicated reporter found himself at a loss to get his mike anywhere near anyone’s important schnoz.
That’s when Lapierre was noticed by your hawk-eyed reporter, ambling down the hall, and so therefore, quickly caught up to.
-Hey, Max, where you off to?
“Candy-machine.”
-Got a minute?
“To the candy-machine and back, sure.”
-Max, why do you get a free pass?
“To the candy-machine?”
-No, on the club.
“Because I was born in Scotland. Raised in Ireland. Never learned a word of French. Protestant. Joined a right-wing Provo group when I was 16. Started playing hockey in London as cover. Liked it more than pipe-bombing. Rest is history. Got drafted out’ve Bern and here I am. They don’t care about me as long as I don’t make waves. They got other potatoes to fry.”
-Surely the lack of effect your play is producing isn’t going unnoticed?
“That’s exactly what it’s going. Ask’em. Ask anybody. Ask the coach. Go ahead, ask the coach and ask’m what th…hey! There’s no Super-Chocko-Marshy-Bars left!”
-Oh, one of these, you mean?
You should’ve seen his face when I took out the last bite I was saving and quickly polished it off in front of him.
-Can’t always get what you want, kid.
Luckily, your precognitive reporter managed to dodge the haymaker sent his way and, making the most of the loss of balance in the would-be attacker this occasioned, got enough of a head start running back down the hall to join the scrum and scream at the top of his lungs
-Jack! Jack! Why does Lapierre get so much latitude?! Shouldn’t he be contributing?!
“Both of our goalies have the talent to win us games. It’s a healthy competition between our two young goalies and that helps our team.”
-What about Lapierre, Jack?! Lapieeeeerre?!
“Well, Benoit was a player this organization had on its radar for a long time and as that stats show, it was a good move for both organizations.”
-Lapieeeeeeeeeerre!!!
“Well, give the Senators credit. They planned for our power-play very efficiently and we’ll go back to the tape and make the proper adjustments. Thank you. Have a plane to catch now.”
And that was it.
That Irish son-of-a-gun was right.

More updates as events warrant.

HALAK DEAL MAY CARRY PRICE

2010-01-10T11:29:00.008-05:00

Now that the Montreal goalie controversy has finally broken out from its political enclosure and begun tearing about the League of Extraordinary Hockey Players with no regard for strife or whim, many now postulate on which organization would assure the Beautiful Team of the best return on a possible trade involving Jaroslav Halak, also know as the Bratislava Bratwurst, the Comanche from Kocice, the Presov Presser, and the Montreal Stopper-of-pucks.
What many don’t postulate on is what price such a deal could carry, mainly, that if you remove the Stopper-of-pucks, then pucks won’t be stopped anymore, leading to some inevitable complications down the line. That the pucks could be stopped despite the Stopper-of-pucks’ absence is, unfortunately, not the subject of this article.
Your open-ended reporter set upon Coach Jack Marty after Saturday night’s game. He looked happy. So he was asked directly:
-You happy, coach?
“Definitely. Especially with Halak’s performance tonight. He kept us in the game against the best team in the East and definitely made some sensational saves that gave confidence to our forwards to attack a bit more and that's why we finished the game leading in shots.”

-Satisfied?

"Well, I don't know if I could definitely say I was satisfied because we ultimately lost but I'm happy at what I saw. So: happy but unsatisfied."
Right. Then it was all business:
-Is Halak a number one goaltender, coach?
“He’s definitely making a case.”
-Is it good for a team to have a number one goaltender?
“It definitely helps.”
-Wouldn’t trading away a number one goaltender carry a price?
“Definitely something that’s being considered.”
-Who starts in net next game, coach?
“Well, that’s, uhh, I def…uh…”
-Ah, see? You can’t say “definitely” all the time, can you?
“This interview is over.”
-Aw, coach, c’mon.
“No! Goodbye.”
And off he stomped. Big baby, he always does that.
But what he doesn't realize is that a conspiracy isn't a conspiracy until it's uncovered. This is not over. These two (see right) want some answers and we at Habsbros intend to get them.

More updates definitely warranted.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN, MARKOV SOMEHOW MAKING IT WORK

2010-01-09T10:12:00.003-05:00

MONTREAL - Despite their considerably different upbringings, their lack of mutual interests, and the fact that they don't even speak the same language, current Miss Chile Marie Sanchez, 21, and multi-millionaire NHL all-star Andrei Markov, told your humble reporter that they somehow continue to make their relationship work and could I please get out of their house.

"The moment I saw her, I knew I wanted to be with her," said Markov as he physically persuaded me out the door. He added that the couple's relationship seems to have oddly persevered despite the fact that he is so often on the road. "Marie told me that she's always been waiting for somebody like me to come along and sweep her off her feet."

"Jess," she said as she followed behind us, "I love..."

"Andrei," I offered.

"Jess," she continued, "I love... Ahn-day... He is rich man. Uh, gud man."

And dear readers, when I saw Markov's smile as he slammed the door in my face, I knew that she was exactly what he was looking for too.

More updates as love blossoms.

OUTBREAK OF POULIO SIDELINES FIVE MONTREAL CANADIENS

2010-01-02T12:37:00.003-05:00

Disaster has struck three other poor saps on the Beautiful Team this morning as Ryan O’Byrne and the Kostitsyn brothers are the latest to be hit by the dreaded Poulio.
From what your perspicacious reporter was able to ascertain while eavesdropping in seventh floor bathrooms of the Bell Centre, the symptoms of the disease began to manifest themselves over the Holiday road trip, but that its contraction actually occurred at around the time when Guillaume Latendresse was sent to Minnesota free of charge, and was in an incubation period until its eventual outbreak. On a side-note, many in the Halls of Haballa questioned Mr. Bob Gainey’s mysterious compassion towards the Wild and we at Habsbros are considering appointing a reporter to probe more deeply into its muddle but for whatever the reason, that display of pity can now be regarded as an overall bad move since it has precipitated the propagation of a seemingly infectious disease within the club.
The first to feel its effects were D’Agostini and Pacioretty; each spent a game in the press-box with a medical mask over their faces made of a brown paper bag.
Now, three more have gone down. And though George Laraque won’t admit it, some in the organization fear he may have been hit the worst.

More updates as transmission spreads.

HABSBROS CELEBRATE 16,531 HITS

2009-12-29T14:06:00.002-05:00

THE WORLD - We at HabsBros would like to extend a special thank you to all our dedicated readers out there that have helped us reach the milestone of 16,531 hits.

It's been a long time since we originally opened the site in 1937 and with an average of 0.6 hits per day, it was only a matter of time before we finally reached this incredible milestone.

At this rate, we'll reach the often overlooked milestone of 1 million hits by the year 4566, which is right around the time that the Leafs will win another Stanley Cup. So keep on visiting and we'll keep writing the same quality crap we've been writing for the last 72 years.

Happy new year!

NHL INVESTIGATES PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING HUGS

2009-12-22T12:44:00.002-05:00

MONTREAL — In recent months, the National Hockey League has begun to investigate charges that some members of the NHL have used performance-enhancing hugs before and during games.

"These people have no shame," NHL commissioner Gary Bettman said Monday. "Right before a big game, some of these guys will shoot-up on love, sometimes from other players, but other times even from a family member. Shockingly, some players have even been known to exchange hugs during the game itself."

Some hockey insiders have long attested to widespread hug use among players. However, the full scope of the problem was not understood until late October, when McGill University performed a study which showed huge spikes in self-respect, and "warm, fuzzy" feelings.

Disgusting.

After reviewing the study, the NHL began an internal investigation and a full-out review of hug-use policies.

"The problem we're seeing is that hug users have a distinct advantage over the hug-free due to being pumped up with confidence," Bettman said. "In our game, endurance and skill are key factors. Hugs serve to artificially heighten a players stamina. Put simply, it's unethical."

The Canadiens in particular have been singled out primarily due to the actions of F George Laraque after he admitted to frequent hug use.

"When people hug me, it makes me feel like I'm the best and that they love me and I can win," Big George told your humble reporter. "I'm a winner!"

Laraque confirmed McGill's study wherein the results seem to indicate that hugs are most often taken during games right after a goal has been scored; a revelation that has shocked the hockey world. In today's NHL, this happens more frequently than ever before.

For Laraque, post-goal hug have become fewer and further between. His urges are heightened each time he is on the ice for an opposing team's goal and is forced to watch the euphoria ensue as the enemy mercilessly hugs each other in front of him; an event that happens all to regularly these days.

Laraque's addiction rages so deeply, that he has been known to join an opposing team after a goal against just for a taste of that sweet juice that is the warm embrace.

In the search for hug users, the NHL has gone over literally hundreds of hours of tape, hoping to catch huggers in the act. They are also relying on testimony from hug users such as Laraque.

"George really stood his ground at first, saying he didn't want to give up his friends due to some kind of 'code'," Bettman said. "That all changed when we promised him a Happy Meal."

More updates as events warrant.

MARKOV CONSPIRACY OFF THE Q.T. AND ON THE RECORD

2009-12-20T14:44:00.007-05:00

Recent grumblings across Hab Nation question the anticipated return of defenceman Andrei Markov to the Beautiful Team after an expected four-month layaway, now revised.
It is no secret that apart from acting as the springing board for all Montreal attacks, Andrei Markov represents the whole of Team Russia’s defence and the glue that holds the entire team together. No Markov, no Russia.
By knowing certain doors, greasing certain jams, and bribing certain people, one can access the Bell Centre phone transcripts in the third sub-level of the east wing basement and with the proper tools, jimmy certain file-drawers in which they are held. This is what your dedicated reporter did.
(SUN. NOV. 15. 09) “Hello?”
-“Mr.Bob, my friend!”
-“Dmitriy?”
-“My friend, Bob!”
-“What can I do for you?”
-“You send Markov outside; we take home and fix. That’s what you do for your friend Dmitriy.”
-“Uhh, I don’t think we can do that, the rules say…”
-“I think of this already, my friend Bob.” We have maskirovka prepared. We have man looks like Markov, but not real Markov. You make walk around and smile, no problem. But no talking. Team not know difference; media not know difference, even mother not know difference. But no talking, Bob. Very important. In the meanwhile, you send real Markov out and we take home and fix with Eastern healing methods.”
-“Listen, Mr.President, I really appreciate what you guys…”
-“Car is downstairs; do not make me come up.”
(Connection terminated.)
Barely 24hrs later, Andrei Markov was knee-deep in Mongolian outback, trudging through pain and snow, and frequently whacked in the back by a bamboo stick held by a very stern and grizzled old man (who, by a happy set of incredible circumstances, your faithful reporter happens to be pen-pals with). “PUSH the snow; not WALK the snow! Push the snow.” Whack!
He was brought to a hidden monastery and told to polish the whole marble floor with spit-shine rags tied to his feet. Markov tried to explain he was there for medical treatment but a quick strike from the bamboo stick interrupted his lament. “POLISH marble; not WIPE the marble! Polish marble.” Whack!
Furthermore, there were only Turkish bathrooms in the place, which meant Markov was forced to squat to pee, and since his diet consisted mainly of rice soup with vegetables and a piece of mutton thrown in on Sundays, you can imagine how often he did this. Still the old man with the bamboo stick was there. “SQUAT to pee; not STAND to pee! Squat to pee.” Whack!
Four weeks passed thusly, fetching water from the well outside through the snow for the soup, polishing the floor he would dirty on his way to and fro, and peeing; all in all, a very drab affair which bordered alarmingly on the unpleasant and not at all in tune with the athlete’s exuberant disposition. Finally, he could take it no longer and rebelled. Markov pointed out rather piqued that he was there to be healed, not to do menial tasks for an old monkey and pee away his insides. The old man stared at him with a curious expression.
“Do ‘Push the Snow’” he said.
-“We’re inside!” Markov whined.
-“Do ‘Push the Snow’!”
As Markov began executing the movements, the old man turned his stick sideways and began cross-checking the NHLer in the chest. Markov pushed through easily. The surprise had barely registered before the old man added “Now, do ‘Polish Marble’!” The old man tried to trip up Markov using his stick to jab at an invisible puck but Markov evaded with brio. “Now, do ‘Squat to Pee’!” As Markov folded at the knees, the old man tried to keep him down by pushing on his shoulders but was cast off without difficulty at every rise.
“You are healed and may return to Canada now, Andrei. You will do proud Mother Russia. Dmitriy tell me to say that you not be seen in same place as your double when you get back or the maskirovka is kaput. He also say he will keep good eye on your family while you are in Vancouver. Dasvidaniya, comrade; I am off to write letter to reporter friend.”
Andrei Markov hurriedly caught the next badger-pulled sled outta the monastery, the next horse-drawn carriage outta the village, the next 78hp engine car outta town, the next taxi to the train station, the next train to the airport, and the next flight outta the country. Arrived in Montreal Thursday evening. Had a steak.
More updates as conspiracy warrants.

CHRIS LEE CONFESSES TO MONTREAL CRIME

2009-12-12T16:09:00.009-05:00

Excerpt, Ville-Marie Inq. “Lee”: Due to the storm that befell the Central Hall and rendered the timber sodden, all events presented here took place in adjacent yard stable, large enough to accommodate the representatives of our dearest friends.
The accused was brought in to counsel four crows past Compline on the ninth day before second solstice. While accounts of heresy are to remain objective, there is no denying that the stink of evil instantly permeated the room and gasps of disgust could barely be stifled from the sober and stoic faithful there to witness an examination of the Method.
The accused was first asked to name himself and his profession. He answered that it was Chris Lee and that he was an official for the NHL and it is at this point that the Wise Prosecutor noticed the wretch’s first mistake.
Those in the room were made to notice how the accused puts the intonation in the word “official” as if to automatically take precedence over mortal men, which is a custom of demons that cannot contain their vanity. The accused began to deny these charges but was hotly informed by the Prosecutor that no one was here to play games. The charges were then read to the wretch and he was informed that it would be greatly preferred that he confess before nightfalll as the nights tended to get a bit cool rather swiftly.
The accused immediately countered with false freneticism that there was nothing for him to confess. The Wise Prosecutor thus observed how the accused, like all his kind, feel so justified in their quest to rape the natural world that they do not see the harm they cause nor even consider the crimes they have committed to be anything less than a biological mechanism akin to men breathing or sleeping.
The accused then began to speak as if a man, imitating our use of logic and reason to an uncanny degree, mentioning rules of the game and the blind strikes of chance that affect every second of every day in every walk of life, just as the Higher One had planned in His eternal wisdom, and that in fact, there was no crime, only a pendulum swing of dire fortune that one day, would quickly be rebalanced.
But the Wise Prosecutor was not to be tricked by mesmerism or hypnotism or other tools of the devil. There were other ways to elicit confessions once an accused refused the forthright and honourable one presented by the Wise Prosecutor at the start of the inquest.
It was then the hot chains were taken off the coals and fastened to the wretch’s wrists and the screams that rose from its throat were surely not those of a man. The curses hurled towards the Wise Prosecutor and even to the sober and stoic faithful were certainly not conceived in any human tongue as their very vileness caused even strong-willed Partisans to blanch.
Amidst the cacophony of evil, the Wise Prosecutor pointed at the being and made everyone in the room aware of how these creatures really behave when surrounded by the comfort of flames because it is in this comfort that they inevitably let their guard down and, assuming that they are back home in Hell and that they can only be speaking with their brethren, they divulge their true agendas.
And so it was the case with Lee. The accused readily confessed to both counts:
1) He was aware the goal was good and purposefully erased it by claiming his intention was to do so earlier regardless of the outcome. This shows premeditation of Sabotage.
2) He is full member of underground referee society whose sole intention is to bring about the downfall of the Holy Flannel Empire by affecting outcomes of events through fabricated penalties and corrupting themselves to our enemies. This shows premeditation of Treason.
Sentence to be carried out when temperatures warrant.

EVERYONE ON BENCH AFRAID TO TELL OVECHKIN ABOUT MISSING TOOTH

2009-12-07T08:51:00.004-05:00

WASHINGTON - Recently, you may remember, your humble reporter was in Washington to report on the game between the Capitals and your Canadiens (the former being the one based in Washington). As yours truly awaited a totally unjustified hearing, a most interesting piece of news was overheard...

Allegedly, members of the Washington Capitals are opting not to tell superstar forward Alexander Ovechkin about the fact that he is missing one of his front teeth, saying they are fearful of the embarrassment it might cause him.

You may have seen recently that Matt Bradley played the Weeble Wobble to Paul Holmgren's fists the other night. Well, as he stood in the precinct pressing charges, he confessed to your dedicated reporter about the situation.

"Look," he said, "it's awkward because when he's on the bench trying to get us psyched up, there's this huge ugly gap in his mouth where he just keeps sticking his tongue." Bradly added that he just couldn't concentrate that night he got smoked by Holmgren because, even though Ovechkin wasn't playing, he couldn't shake the image of that time he saw a huge chunk of AAA steak stuck in that gap in Ovechkin's face.

Bradley admitted that the reason Ovechkin's been getting hurt recently is because the team is "missing assignments" in hopes that a few more teeth will get knocked out to even things up. "Our hope is he gets to be as pretty as Bob Clark."

As your arraigned reporter is well aware given familiarity with past Habs of the same nationality, it was a man's duty to warn Bradley, you don't fuck with powerful Russians.

More updates as events warrant.

U.S.S. WASHINGTON HITS PRICEBERG, NO SURVIVORS

2009-11-21T12:56:00.004-05:00

President Barack Obama reacts to Capital calamity as the American Coast Guard reports no survivors amidst the wreckage of the U.S.S. Washington. An urgent White House press conference was announced on Saturday morning to address the issue and since your lucky reporter just happened to be in the city to attend a comic book convention, he was able to forge a press-pass in time to see the president take the podium.
“There are patriots who opposed the game in Montreal and there are patriots who supported the game in Montreal. We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to the stars and stripes, all of us defending the United States of America.”
The most powerful destroyer in the Eastern fleet hit a Priceberg last night half a mile near Ville-Marie inlet, capsizing the ship and sending all aboard to a watery grave. Many in the nation’s capital are left to wonder how the most sophisticated weaponry in the League with the most state-of-the-art technology could not get past the Ville-Marie, hardy a threat to Eastern stability. President Obama admitted there may have been some oversight on the matter.
“When we think of the major threats to our national security, the first to come to mind are nuclear proliferation, rogue states and global terrorism. But another kind of threat lurks beyond our shores, one from nature, not human – a Priceberg.”
The president was then hurried off-stage by burly, frowning men in black with the press secretary indicating that the president was headed off to a crisis meeting concerning this development with his advisors and the Chiefs of Staff while the rest of us just stood there not understanding what it all meant.
“We did not expect that, and I can speak authoritatively for the President on this; we thought the waters would part and everything would be easy over the course of our trip to Montreal," said Robert Gibbs, the White House press secretary, “we certainly did not expect to hit a Priceberg, no.”

We were told there would be more updates as events warrant.

INJURIES MOUNT FOR HABS

2009-11-06T09:01:00.002-05:00

BOSTON - Here at HabsBros we get the stories that others can't (or possibly just don't bother with). But that's what makes us special. Take for example all the injuries the Canadiens' players have had this year. Other news outlets have all reported the same thing; upper-body, lower-body, out-of-body, etc. But we give you more.

Sure we know the player is injured. Sure we know how long the player is going to be out. But do we really know the whole story?

You may have noticed that Jaroslav Halak was reported as not being 100% before last night's game in Boston. Wow... How vague is that? Well, here's the real scoop my friends:

After a a bit of a crazy night, Halak was checked out by the team doctors (or possibly a drunk hobo, it's hard to tell) after Halak reported a slight tummy-ache. Well, Dr. Hobo checked out Halak's boo-boo and yours truly was able to see the the chart. Here's the disturbing results:

According to Dr. Hobo's assessment, Halak has pacreatitis, hepatitis, bone disease, intestinal parasites, skin cancer, lung cancer, hair cancer, ingrown rib, elbow cancer, herpes, dysentery, broken pelvis, internal bleeding, external bleeding, blood clots, swine flu, spanish flu, kung flu, trench foot, athlete's foot, archer's elbow, cholera, four brain tumors, seven kidney stones, sleep apnea, and heart disease.

Halak was given a couple of Aspirin and is expected to be better by the weekend.

More updates as events warrant.

GIONTA TO WORK FROM HOME TODAY

2009-11-05T13:54:00.003-05:00

BOSTON - In a surprising move, the Montreal Canadiens have announced that forward Brian Gionta will be working from home today.

Gionta's recent efforts on the ice in past games and the toll it has taken on him has figured largely in his decision to work from home today. Gionta admitted that when he's at the rink, he can barely spend more than thirty seconds on the ice before someone calls on him to do something or other with passing, shooting, or some other form of playing professional hockey.

"I'm really starting to get overloaded with hockey-related tasks and I actually have a better rink at home than they do over there in Boston," Gionta said in a phone interview I'm totally not making up.

Gionta admitted that he would probably work from home more often if not for Sergei Kostitsyn constantly coming over and asking to play too.

More updates as events warrant.

LEAFS INFORM HABS THEY CAN HEAR COMMENTS FROM OTHER ROOM

2009-11-02T09:06:00.006-05:00

MONTREAL — As your humble reporter hid quietly in the laundry hamper amid the sweaty socks and arid jock-straps, he was witness to a most unusual happening.

Toronto Maple Leafs defenceman Luke Schenn walked over to the Montreal Canadiens' locker room and informed a celebrating Habs squad that his team could hear "everything" they were saying about the Leafs' poor performance following their 5-4 overtime loss on Saturday.

"Listen, it's just not very sportsmanlike to call our goalie a 'choke artist' and our entire team 'a bunch of losers,'" Schenn said to the Habs, who fell completely silent when Schenn first entered the room.

"Is this what you guys are about? Kicking a team when they're down?" Schenn continued, "Kind of takes away from all that 'good game' crap we just did on the ice, doesn't it? You should all be ashamed of yourselves."

While Schenn was delivering his speech, the entire Canadiens roster failed to suppress laughter, forcing Schenn to tell them several times that he was serious and didn't know what was so funny.

More updates as events warrant.

RISK AND ETHNIC SLURS, GOMEZ AND KOSTITSYN DUKE IT OUT

2009-10-22T19:48:00.008-04:00

An inside source to the festivities taking place September 26th at Scott Gomez’s luxurious, Greco-Roman-styled downtown apartment has revealed to your dedicated reporter that the alleged altercation between the assistant captain and the assistant Kostitsyn stemmed from a dispute that erupted over The Game of Risk. The source affirms that Sergei had given up his rights to Europe and South Africa for Afghanistan and Siberia. With Japan and China secured, and his hold over Yakutsk protected, he knew it would only be a matter of time before he could move Lapierre out of Irkutsk and Moen’s lone colony out of Siam, to which the 3rd-liner probably wouldn’t afford too many reinforcements since the brunt of his forces were in Africa. Then K Junior (pictured right) would have himself all the time in the world to push Gionta out of Ural and consolidate the whole of Asia and thereby collect some major military support.
With such a carefully strategized objective, it is therefore no wonder that he got so upset when, for no apparent reason, Gomez, who had his own fish to fry in North America, decided to cross the North Pacific and invade Kamchatka.
It was madness, the kid shrieked, why throw legions at him when all Latendresse has to do was WALK into Gomez’s Eastern United-States and then just TAKE his Northwest Territory?
To which Gomez responded that it was just a board-game and not to make a big deal out of it. He didn’t care that Gui! took the stupid Northwest Territory, he just wanted to throw a wrench in Junior’s works and watch him squirm.
My source goes on to say that the room then went very cold and a visible black sheen fell over Kostitsyn’s eyes. He proceeded to inform everybody in an eerily chilling voice that his grandfather was born in Kamchatka and he’d be damned to hell before he saw a “such-and-such-monkey-Yank” desecrate that land by even touching its shores.
Gomez suggested the kid take it easy.
Kostitsyn suggested Gomez eat “poop”. He then continued to promise that defending his land was now not enough. My source goes on: “He started to yell out a vow about, I don’t know, taking over Alaska out of principle and making Gomez and all of the Alaskan people slaves because they didn’t deserve any better. It was nuts. And then, he spit on the board! All over Alberta, a big goober right there in the guy’s apartment, in front of everyone! I couldn’t believe it! The kid’s nuts. That’s when Gomez lost it.”
A scuffle ensued and some punches were thrown but with teammates all around, they quickly intervened and separated the two. As of yet, the source in question was not able to say if this supposed altercation was a factor in the decision to send the young whippersnapper down to the AHL nor would he disclose who won the game. There is no doubt however, the source told your reliable reporter, that everyone learned a lot from The Game of Risk that night. More updates with cop's warrant.

CHILDREN CAN'T BRING THEMSELVES TO LOOK AT HABS ANYMORE

2009-10-13T13:48:00.004-04:00

MONTREAL, PQ - Local seven-year-old Montreal Canadiens fan, Patricia Bucier revealed today that, try though she might, she simply can't bring herself to idolize the Habs anymore... "I mean, they're great and everything... Well, not anymore, but I guess they're okay now," said the life-long fan of Les Glorieux and The Wiggles.

It looks as though Bucier is not alone in her opinion.

Eight-year-old Robert "Billy" Pierce, sporting his favorite Kovalev jersey for the interview said, "Did anyone else notice [Hal] Gill? I mean, he's big, but he kinda reminds me of that slow kid in our class [artist's rendering on right], you know?" Then he banged his fist on the table (knocking over his Clifford lunchbox) and exclaimed, "For God's sake, I'm f*cking EIGHT and I'M the one noticing this?!?"

Pierre Dubois, nervously twirling his Thomas The Train Engine toy in his hands, admitted that watching his team on TV made his daddy drink and get angry. "But," he said, "Mommy gets me these cool toys after."

Your humble reporter was denied the ability to press for more information when he was escorted from the Carlyle Elementary School building by security.

BOB GAINEY ORDERS MOJO TO GO

2009-10-04T17:13:00.007-04:00

Victory in Toronto came at a terrible price as superstar defenseman Andrei Markov was slashed by the Terrible Price in the ubilinian pedaphalangial quintacep tendon, an injury that would necessitate a 4-month healing period. This left your Montreal Canadiens up poop creek without a power play specialist, a zone-exitor extraordinaire, an overall nice guy, or a paddle for the next 81 games of the season and 23 in the playoffs.

The venerable general manager of the team Mr. Bob Gainey was suddenly served his first Crisis entrée like a knock out punch to the chops and he hadn’t even ordered an aperitif yet. Since your trustworthy reporter was cleaning the table, I had the chance to ask him what his next move would be. He remarked “We have young players ready to step up and play a larger role. Ryan O’Byrne comes to mind.”

When Mr. Bob Gainey came in last night, I asked him what his plans were now. He said “Bring me an aperitif and I’ll tell you.”
In all my years as beat reporter for the Beautiful Team, it was always Mr. Bob Gainey who showed the most candour when he showed anything at all. We have heard many colleagues complain that Mr. Bob Gainey never says anything when in fact, he just avoids us any extra work. Our colleagues want to work the same old clichés into their shtick every day, that’s their business. But as you well know, at Habsbros, we don’t work clichés. We get the straight dope.

So when Mr. Bob Gainey had swallowed half his mint julep and ordered Mojo to go, I was naturally taken aback.
“Mojo?”
“To go.”
“What kinda mojo you want?”
“OT-winner mojo.”
And that was it. He paid with a Sergei Kostitsyn, shook the chef’s hand, called a taxi, and headed off to the airport.
More updates as events warrant.

KOMISAREK EXPOSED AS AN ASSHOLE

2009-10-02T11:59:00.003-04:00

TORONTO - New Maple Leafs defenceman, Micheal Komisarek, formerly a highly regarded rearguard in Montreal, was exposed on Thursday night when he triumphantly admitted to being an asshole.

"Look, I know you all know I'm an asshole," Komisarek, 27, told a roomful of reporters last night. "Well, that may be true, but I play for Toronto now. News flash: Torontonianites are assholes."

"So I'm an asshole," Komisarek added. "Deal with it."

Some pundits say Komisarek has a long history of being an asshole. In six seasons with Montreal, he had alienated virtually all of his teammates by blaming others for his failures and lying about injuries so as not to fight Milan Lucic and try his hand at coaching instead.

For Montreal fans however, Komisarek's exposure and recent admission that he's an asshole takes him to a whole new level of assholitude.

One reporter was heard saying later that evening, "[Komisarek] acted like outing his own assholiness somehow made it our problem, not his. What a dick."

"On his first day, when Michael made an elaborate show of learning my name, I could tell he was an asshole. But in a couple weeks, he changed from being an asshole who's proud of himself for knowing my name to the category of El Assholio Supremo del Mundo," Toronto goalie Vesa Toskala said (pictured right). "He really outdid himself."

The worry for most NHL players now is that, having declared himself a supreme unrepentant asshole, Komisarek can now gleefully explore the freedoms of his newfound role.

"The more of an asshole Michael is, the more air-time we get with Don Cherry, and the more games we get on CBC and TSN," said General Manager Brian Burke (pictured right with all his friends). "In Michael, you see a classic example of the cycle of escalating assholedom. Instead of hiding his assholishness and putting on a good show, he brags about it in the locker room as if it's a virtue, because he thinks it will benefit his career. But I don't believe for a minute that he's only an asshole for career advancement. For Micahel, being an asshole is its own reward."

When your humble reporter asked for comments on allegations that he was an asshole, Komisarek did not disagree.

"Hey, you're doing a story on me?" he asked. "Make sure you put it in huge letters on the front page: 'Kosisarek exposed as an asshole and he doesn't give a fuck whether you like it or not.' That'd be hilarious."

Wish granted, sir.

CANADIENS GO DOWN THE DRAIN

2009-07-07T22:01:00.015-04:00

There was a time when people used to believe in stuff. Important stuff like beauty and magic and razzle-dazzle. But razzle-dazzle was seemingly putting a crimp in Bob Gainey's style. So he took action. Crazy, counter-productive action. A fitting conclusion to a crazy, counter-productive Centennial season.

At first, the free-agency market opened with the perfect traditional setting for the Montreal Canadiens. They were at centre stage of dire circumstances, already thought dead after a supposed disastrous trade with New York City that saw the talented but inconsistent (especially with open nets) scorer Chistopher Higgins, as well as the heavily-hyped wunderkind Ryan McDonagh, sent over for overpaid, underperforming centre Scott Gomez. The hounds were hounding, the fans were screaming but, bing, bam, zoom, Spacek, Cammalleri and Gionta came in to fill the void of Tanguay’s surprisingly unimpactful season despite relatively solid play, Komisarek’s lack of any ability whatsoever and, so we pondered, a player to be blamed later... Bob Gainey was a certified genius again.

For awhile, all was well; it seemed the Canadiens were merely pulling another one of their famous 3rd period comebacks, this time on the free-agent market, using Kovalev as the dramatic background motif. The grumblings after the McDonagh loss had quieted substantially. Calls to the asylum begging to come fetch the GM were stayed.

And then... Disaster. The Canadiens had been in dealings with star farward Alex Kovalev, true, but fearful they might be left with no dancing partner when the mercurial Russian could not decide quickly enough to sign, chose to scoop up Brian Gionta in his place! Kovalev and his fans were forced to realize that the Artiste’s tenure with the Canadiens had come to an abrupt and sickening end.

Now, the era of magic and razzle-dazzle and beauty is over the City that is Hockey. Journalistic integrity and objective disassociation forces me to conclude that with this single, solitary move after brilliant set pieces to acquire talent on the open market, Bob Gainey has chucked the Montreal Canadiens down the drain in spectacular fashion.

I took an oath as a reporter to report the facts. Here are the facts, undisputable, unassailable, and too often manifested to be considered anything less than mathematical certitudes.

Fact 1: Kovalev is the greatest guy in the world.
Fact 2: Kovalev is the greatest hockey player the universe ever spit out, even taking into account the existence of as-of-yet unexplored parallel universes.
Fact 3: Kovalev can score one-handed from anywhere within the blueline, yes, even from behind the net, smartypants, one-handed, eating popcorn.
Fact 4: Kovalev can deke out raindrops.
Fact 5: Kovalev can get a free car whenever he feels like it.
Fact 6: Kovalev once a-caught a burret wit his beh hans.
Fact 7: Kovalev will knock you right the hell out if you mess with him.
Fact 8: Kovalev’s Charisma is at Level 11, designation: Master Hypnotist. He needs not even speak for teammates to wither at his commanding Presence.

Now, those are the facts. Witnessed with our own eyes. Unimpeachable, unquestionable solid facts.

Any general manager interested in the concept of being the best of the best in the NHL, normally, you would think that the most skilled player to ever shake Mikael Gorbachev’s hand would be just the ticket in getting there, but apparently, the Montreal Canadiens were too skilled and not American enough for their liking. As it is their right to think so. And yet, some of us might be forgiven for thinking Bob Gainey a bit enigmatic in this approach. As always, none of your faithful reporter's tough questions could breach the general manager's demeanor, nor he could he cull any insight from his stoic gaze (pictured right).

And Ottawa must surely be commended for their marketing savvy in swooping in to collect the Russian Titan. Montreal is barely two hours away and they could sure use the attendance at the Corel Centre.

More updates as events warrant.

GAINEY MAKES FANS BELIEVE IN THE 'CH' AGAIN

2009-07-06T23:22:00.003-04:00

MONTREAL - In the sixth - and likely final year - of his five-year plan, Bob Gainey has successfully pulled off what no other GM has been able to do for decades... He has made fans believe in the famous Montreal Canadiens crest.

This incredible task was achieved by what turned out to be the simplest of methods; get rid of every player on the roster that was every worth cheering for.

By removing the concept of individual greatness and character from the lineup, fans can no longer get behind any one man and chant his name. There is no one left to bitch and moan about on blogs and in the media. (Well, except for the Priceberg, but really, who watches hockey for the goaltending?)

Koivu, the ultimate champion at heart. He beat cancer. He beat the media. He beat my mother (and that's all I can say until after the hearing). His roots deep in the community. His heart on a pedestal. Gone...

Kovalev, the moody but extremely talented winger. Loved by fans whom he loved in return. A constant joy to watch. Gone...

Tangauy, Lang, Schnieder, Higgins. Gone, all.

So who's left? Markov? Have you ever heard him speak? Hamrlik? Please. Plekanec? He's only here because he has no choice. The Kostitsyn brothers? Well, if they're high they're okay. And rumour has it that's fairly often.

Latendress? Lapierre? Two years ago the only reason we cheered for them was because they were French and cracking the lineup. But they were second fiddle to the likes of Koivu and Kovelev.

Gomez? Gionta? The dude from Calgary who's name I'm still learning to spell? Spacec? Hill? Yeah... When I think Habs, I picture these guys.

So really, there's no one. We'll cling to someone by default, but in our hearts we'll know there is no one to cheer for. So all that is left is the logo. And that was likely Gainey's plan all along.

And then he'll leave.

Thanks Bob.

ROPE-A-DOPE

2009-04-20T09:58:00.002-04:00

MONTREAL - As game 3 of the Eastern Conference Quarter-Finals looms upon us, the Montreal Canadiens' season appears to hang in the balance. Throngs of Habs supporters chew their nails - fingers and toes - as nervous butterflies make their presence felt. But fret not ye faithful...

We've got them where we want them...

Perhaps the season has looked like a massive poo-bomb to you? Perhaps the inconsistent play of Carey Price over the course of the entire regular-season had you worried? What of the fact that the Canadiens came into the playoffs with Saku "little shorty-pants" Koivu as their only legitimate offensive center?

Maybe you need reminding of just who the Kostitsyn brothers are? Let me help you... They are the brothers who got themselves into trouble for hanging around drug-dealers. You know the guys. They're the ones that got completely outplayed by Toronto's Mikhail Grabovski for just about the entire season.

Remember when Alex Kovalev was the one you wanted traded because he was bringing down the team? Oh! And what about that time when we all identified a defenseman as a pressing need so we went out and got some old geezer that will surely retire next season?

Of course you may be considering the fact that we fired the coach really late in the season and replaced him with the GM, a smart man to be sure, but one with a pretty terrible record. But what else are you gonna do when the team is up for sale? You can't just go out and hire better coaches.

Perhaps you recall the best game of the season? You know the one. Yeah, that game where Alex Kovalev got the first star and won himself a Honda? Those were good times. Didn't count though. But good times nonetheless.

You might even be asking yourself why the best line for much of the season was the 4th line. Fortunately, things have changed and they aren't our best line anymore... Phew... Now they are completely ineffective. Thank goodness...

Well all this stuff may look like a total mess, but trust me. That's been the plan all along. The Canadiens' brass has carefully laid plans for the last 5 years to get us to this moment. This whole season has been a rope-a-dope season. For the Boston Bruins believe that, up two games to none, they have the Canadiens by the proverbial balls. But that's just what we want them to think.

Game on, boys... Game on...

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

2009-04-11T15:46:00.005-04:00

Huzzah! The most storied franchise in the history of the world has found a chink in the armour of the NHL and has managed to squeeze its way through to the Holy Dance despite the best efforts of its archnemesis, the Beantown Bruins, who sent fire and hell after Komisarek only to find a poop-eating grin waiting for them. Armageddon and chaos united their abilities and sought to crush the Artiste’s spirit and got a blazing top-corner goal as a response.

Your cheap reporter (pictured left), unable to afford a loge at the Garden was forced to sit amongst the cattle. Happening to glance over, he noticed a man removing his black and gold attire and putting on the fabled red’white’n’blue. "Hadn’t done that in a year!" he exclaimed to the surprise of yours truly and to the detriment of the departing. "Who are you, sir?" asked your perspicacious reporter. "Mentum," said the stranger "first name, Moe." And once the CH was on his back, hot dog if he didn’t grow a foot!

The Dance awaits. And if the Bruins aren’t peeing in their pants right now? They dang well should be. Your reporter has it on divine sources (Moe again) that the most glorious team since the dawn of humanity has a wager going with the Beaners. Pollock SWORE Montreal would beat Boston 75% of the time in the playoffs. It is said that if the Habs serve the Beaners another desparing loss during these playoffs, the 75% is finally attained and GM Chiarelli must change the name of his team from the Boston Bruins to Montreal’s Woman.

Fearing the worst, Chiarelli already commissioned the creation of the new team logo. The design was to denote a strong inclination towards femininity as well as the fragile state of their collective psyches. The logo pictured left is the one they finally settled on, a delicate pink "B" inside a white egg resting on its side. Not bad! We can only hope to see this beautiful coat of arms prancing about the Bell Centre ice come next automn, a fitting demise to the brawn of Boston and the most ridiculous underachievers against whom we’ve had the pleasure of crossing swords. Perhaps one day, if the Beaners do their best to emulate the Habs to the point of obsession, they might attain half of their prestige.

More updates when Pittsburgh goes down.

KOVALEV: HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?

2009-04-06T10:47:00.002-04:00

MONTREAL - As if to give the media the finger and the fans a thumbs-up, Alex Kovalev has been on fire of late. No, let me rephrase that: he's been the God-damn man.

Kovalev is racking up points at a torrid pace having scored 7 points in two games. If he keeps this up, he'll be a point-a-game player (if the NHL suddenly decides to extend the season to 84 games). And that, my friends is a big "F-U" to all those that were down on him.

Your humble reporter, however, never gave up hope and never stopped believing. I was there through thick and thin. When times were bad, I let Alex cry on my shoulder and patted him gently until he finally went to sleep. When times were good, I quietly disposed of the dead hookers. Because that's what a good friend does.

Saturday night against the Leafs, Kovalev showed you all what he was made of: gold. Pure, unadulterated, Honda-driving, gold. Gold with hands of diamonds. Gold with a sexy beard. Gold with a shot so precise, Jesus himself allowed a single tear of joy to stream down his cheek at the site of its beauty. Gold so brilliant, Mr. T should be wearing Kovalev around his neck.

The game against the Leafs was men against babies. And Kovalev did what any real man would do to a baby. He beat it down until it was bruised and bloodied with spirit broken. Take that, you damn dirty baby!

L'Artiste is back, and the show is just beginning.

KOSTITSYN BROTHERS BACK IN ACTION

2009-03-31T10:53:00.002-04:00

MONTREAL - With Sergei Kostitsyn being recalled from Hamilton, the Montreal Canadiens once again have the talented siblings playing together. In honor of this, we'll try to prove that no other siblings in any other sport are better than these two.

You may have heard recently that the Busch brothers won back-to-back NASCAR races. Wow, that's amazing... It must be pretty hard is it to drive a car in a circle... How would the radio chatter sound? "Oh God! Another left turn! What do I do?!?" ***CRASH*** Pfft! Given that the Kostitsyn brothers can turn both right AND left solidifies the fact that they are better than any stupid NASCAR drivers.

In major league baseball, the Boones (Bret and Aaron) were the first set of brothers to get their tips frosted at the same time. But Andrei and Sergei were the first to rock the bald and mullet look (respectively). And only real men can pull that off.

The NBA had (of course) the Grants. Horace was pretty good, but Harvey not so much. (And this despite wearing goggles!) But both Kostityns are good, so the Grants are left in the wind.

The NFL had the Gramaticas; place kickers for their respective teams. Ha... HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! 'Nuff said.

The NFL also had the Johnsons (Randy and Larry). But since everyone mostly wished they would just shut up, I think we can be safe that the quiet, reserved Kostitsyn brothers are just plain awesomer.

And who can forget tennis' Williams sisters (Serena and Venus)? Well, I'll tell you who: Me. Those thighs haunt my nightmares. Not to say that the Kostitsyn thighs are better to look at (since they're dudes), just that I'm not forced to stare at them.

Honorable mention goes to Ralf and Michael Schumacher. Honorable only because Michael may be the best F1 racing driver the world has ever seen and Ralf one of the worst.

So looking back at this list, I think we can all conclude that the Kostitsyn brothers are the best sibling tandem in the entire world. I can't argue it, and now neither can you.

HAIL TO BOB

2009-03-12T11:28:00.003-04:00

MONTREAL - As posted here and, indeed all over the Sacred Internet over the past few days, it was Bob Our Savior who has single handedly changed the climate of the entire hockey world. But it was not without sacrifice.

Your humble reporter was not in a position to report on the proceedings at the time that they occurred, but I could not let it pass without at least providing some form of literary response...

It was with a last ditch effort to salvage a sinking ship that Bob The Builder invoked the ultimate resolution in his formal attache of plenipotentiary clauses, motioning for bilateral demilitarization and cessation of hostilities for the mutual advancement and prolonged commitment to the furtherance of harmonious relations among sovereign parties.

In other words: peace be with you, Carbo...

As we all know, the majesty of Bob's personal charm spreads throughout the cosmos. Legend already speaks of this great champion of pulchritude. Scribes (not only in Montreal) scrawl His praises. Bards wail His glories. Poets bleed their inkwells dry and weep them full again.

Men of sorted character silently breathe Bob's story as their passion; as warriors blow white conch on jagged rock; as paramours put flushed lip to their lovers' mouths. Men of spirit aflame, open of shirt and snug of pantaloon; rose-breasted men with swiveling hips, nimble legs and restless hearts; men whose vehemence of temperament fill their throats with melody and their footwork with rhythm. The fiery cluck of learned, genteel men as these will pique the ear with tales of this Champion... Of Bob.

Legend will forever speak of this humble man, who by mettle of His glowing personal charm alone, saved the Montreal Canadiens and indeed, the entire universe.

No pressure though, Bob... No pressure...

CARBO CARBUNCLE CURBED AT CREPUSCULE

2009-03-09T23:01:00.002-04:00

The boom you just heard was that of the one being laid to Guy Carbonneau, ex-coach of the Montreal Canadiens, the greatest team in the world, and the one whose management provides the freshest pastries at press-conferences.

While delecting himself of a lemon chiffon danish sprinkled with sugared nutmeg, your faithful reporter was on hand to record General Manager-and now coach-Bob Gainey's address, that which basically stated that there were to be modifications made to the Montreal Canadiens, the greatest team in the world, and a stoic symbol of stability everywhere.

The changes were to be drastic.

- Why did you fire Guy, Bob?

"I didn't feel like the team was responding on an emotional level that I would deem appropriate in the process of capturing what our mandate specifically entitles us to strive for in that capacity."

- Umm...What was it specifically that you felt Guy was not doing?

"Of course, everybody, myself, Guy, everybody is well aware that in this business, that this is a team, there always comes a time when changes have to be made within that team. I'm sure that sometimes, if Guy was in my position, I would do things that he would not agree with, the same way that sometimes, I don't agree with what he would do in my position, for example, but doing what's best for the team is always something we agreed on."

- And what about what you mentioned earlier about Guy having been your best move as GM?

"Well, we have to remember that there's not just Montreal in the NHL. Other teams have problems much worse than ours but since Montreal is the veritable epicentre of Hockey Planet and its fans demand so much of our club, it's essential that we seize the opportunity to work so that we can get to the playoffs and have an impact in the series."

- Is it the players who wanted the coach out, Bob?

"Even the teams that have success have asked to play together and to do that, they have to work together. The different philosophies on the team is something that needs to be used positively, and not as a source for distractions that affect the overall stability of the club. It's not acceptable to me that other teams have double the chances to win and because of that and we needed to discuss the possibilities of change after the Atlanta game."

- You touch upon the questions, Bob, but ... What about Atlanta? What can you tell us about that?

"Again, it was a tough decision to make but I found myself in a position that required my intervention and we did that in a manner that was very difficult for both Guy and myself but what would be best overall for the club. What you have to remember is that there's almost 60 years of NHL experience between Guy and myself. It's never an easy decision to change that."

- What are your plans in regards to the next coach of the club?

"My plan at this juncture is to protect our young goalies and to work defensively so that our best players are put in a better position to contribute to the success of the club that will get this team to the playoffs and work in such a fashion that the success of the team will benefit most from that and then, we can think about taking the next step into a deeper playoff run and ideally, the Stanley Cup."

- En français maintenant, s'il-vous-plaît, Bob?

Ooh jeez... In conclusion,

Ex-coach Guy Carbonneau leaves a record of 127-86-20 (or something close) in his tenure at Bell Centre Hall. Hail the Victorious Dead. Goo'night, Guy. Godspeed. God bless.

More updates as danishes warrant.

WHEN IN DOUBT, LOOK TO THE ARTISTE

2009-03-01T10:49:00.006-05:00

Victory.
Your Montreal Canadiens have resurged from the bottomless pit, clambered over its rim of adversity, and are now proceeding to lay the League of Extraordinary Hockey Players to waste with such furious ire and dogged determination that City officials have had no choice but to hire world-wide, highly-reknowned urban specialists to start the planification of the Holy Cup Parade in downtown Montreal. This outsourcing will cost the City 8 million dollars, a cost Mayor Tremblay casually accepts. "Hey, gotta do what you gotta do. You’d do the same if you could do what I can do."

The Beautiful Team is on a roll. The four-game winning streak they are riding is testament to the genius of Mr.Bob Gainey, general manager of the club.

Mired in inefficiency, the power-play exploded with the arrival of Granpa Schneider.

Branded as a wimp, Big George so hammered Shelley into the ice that the Vancouver Olympic Committee is seriously considering the option of incrusting Shelley in their own centre-ice logo. Said a spokesman "Worked for those Canadiens, don’t see why it couldn’t work for us."

Accused of not going to the net, every goal scored since has gone through tooth and groin.

Ridiculed for not having an experienced goaltender, the young Jaroslav began filing his teeth, so eager was he to swallow the bit he was chomping on.

But stygmatized by not winning? Alex "The Glorious Artiste" Kovalev took over the reins and showed how one drives a bloody hansom. All the man needed was a little nap. Little tired, that’s all. Mr.Bob Gainey, in all his genius, recognized this and ordered the man to take a nap. Just a little tired, take a nap and come back refreshed. Four-game winning streak.

If there is doubt, there is no doubt. Look to the Artiste.

Cheers from the objective press-box.

9 OUT OF 10 DENTISTS AGREE: HABS SUCK

2009-02-12T18:08:00.004-05:00

EDMONTON - A recent medical study performed by the American Dental Association revealed that nine out of ten dentists believe that the leading cause of sucking is being a Montreal Canadien.

I, for one, find it difficult to argue with such flawless logic as this.

As a die-hard fan of Les Boys, I was shocked to hear that my heros were actually causing tooth decay and gingivitis. Apparently flossing does nothing when you're constantly chewing on a steamy pile of sh*t. Who knew?

As it happens, your intrepid reporter so happened to be in Edmonton and so happened to get his hands on some tickets to go and see the Lord's Team. The tickets were free, but I still feel like I'm owed something for having had to endure such a debacle.

Many of the fans left early, but I stuck around. As a true fan, you have to take it when your team is bad. And I took it. Oh, I took ALL of it... And let me tell you, I'll never walk the same again.

Does anyone remember Ottawa last season? Remember even further back with guys like Yashin and Mogilny and what they brought to their teams come pressure time? Remember Mr. October, Brian Savage? Don't all those things strike a resounding resemblance to something we're witnessing today?

Well, at least we got us a Honda... I mean, that's a whole CAR! Who the hell needs a stinking CUP after that?!?

More griping as events dictate.

THE DARK GEORGE RETURNS

2009-02-06T09:22:00.003-05:00

Your furtive reporter managed to score a sweet spot for the Habs enforcer’s press conference this morning. The microphone picked up the whole of the exchange so nothing had to be manufactured. There was lots of hustle and quite a bit of bustle as the rest of the suckers set up their lights and tripods but soon, all were ready and the conference commenced as George Laraque was presented to us by Donny. A cloud passed over as the man took the podium.

- What’s the word, Georgie?

"Word is I’m ready to go and when the coach says the same, I’ll be there for the team."

- How do you feel about the kind of impact you brought to the Canadiens this year?

"In what way?"

- Do you feel like you’ve let the Canadiens down by being injured and that essentially, you’re a bust?

"I’m sorry, what? What did you say? Do you wanna repeat that?"

- Umm...no?
"That’s right. Listen up. All’o’yehs. No more Mister Nice Guy, I’m at 100 percent and those restraints I brought up at the beginning of the year? The ones about waiting for the proper time and being beholden by the rules that say I can’t go with someone smaller than me or someone who won’t drop his gloves and about not hurting the team and all that? Yeah, that’s out the window. Yeah, first one gets outta line is a dead man. Second one will be more of a fight cuz I’ll be tired."

A chorus of collaborative laughs rose up from the room.

"Did I say something funny?" asked George darkly.

The laughs died and the place became a tomb. I distinctly heard the sound of urine running down a leg. Think it might’ve been mine.

More cringing as events warrant.

This report brought to you by the Government of Canada's Breastfeeding Friendly Program. Don't be bad to baby whilst feeding him. You catch it unawares. Be friendly.

THE TERRIBLE SECRET

2009-01-28T12:50:00.003-05:00

SOMEWHERE - So the Canadiens haven't been doing so well lately. You might have noticed. Another thing you might have noticed is that despite the play of the overall team, one player stands above the rest; insisting to play at 110%. A monster, you might say (if that is something you typically say).

Maxime Lapierre has played extremely well all year. But where did that come from? Well, yours truly found the answer to that question several months ago as the season began. I have held the secret for long enough. To be truly free, I must exercise it to you, the public.

So you likely assumed, as I assumed, that Lapierre and the other Canadiens players simply went back to their hotels after games to read passages from The Bible to little orphan children.

Well, YOU were wrong...

When I found that this was not the case, I felt as though my innocence had been stolen from me like a child learning that Santa is A LIE! Well, that night, Lapierre showed his true colors... And I for one could never again cheer for him the way I'd cheered for other players in the past...

I could only cheer MORE!

As I followed him deep into the night, I saw him enter some Saloon. After much negotiating (and several hours) with the bouncer, I too entered the pub. What I found was that the patrons of the speakeasy had been putting the witching hour to good use. They'd imbibed heavily, and any one of those fellas'd tell you the whole wingding'd gone like eggs in coffee. Unfortunately, just as I entered, everyone had reached an agreement: it was about time to relocate this hootenanny to some sleazy brothel.

But before exiting the fine establishment, I searched out Lapierre and found him demanding a nightcap before leaving. He slurred some instruction to the barkeep that he'd like whatever's "in that bottle over there." The barkeep ventured that perhaps Lapierre had had enough, but Maxime assured him of the contrary with a redfaced rebuttal.

Of course, Lapierre was delighted that the hootenanny continued into the night with all these new faces on top of this peculiar flat surface, whatever it is (I call it "ground"). He slured drunken tidings of merriment to this effect, remarking how he was "jush so happy to shee all these wunnerful pee-hic-pull..." Then I saw him take his celebratory swig...

He has never been the same again...

You and I will never know what was in that bottle that transformed him thusly. All I know for sure is: we need more.

More updates as events warrant.

ALL-STAR BOON DELIVERS KOVALEV KRACKER

2009-01-27T10:41:00.003-05:00

The All-Star Game came to a close this weekend in the most beautiful City in the world, the City that is Hockey and all across the Bell and America and around the world, one name would resonate like an MVP 160hp Honda engine. Aleksey Vyacheslavovich Kovalyov. Vroom, vroom, they say.

Despite recurring complaints by hallucinating amateurs, the All-Star Game was in fact, a furiously disputed, fast-skating, heavy-hitting, no-holds-barred exercise in gritty, prideful sportsmanship that had the referees deciding wisely to put away their whistles. It took only a blatantly obvious hook by defenseman Mikael Komisarov in overtime to draw the striped men out of their apathy and to call the game’s only penalty.

What followed was a three against four defensive shutdown the likes of which Hockey Planet may never witness again. Blistering slapshots and heavy wristers were blocked with pad, skate and teeth to get the job done and the puck squirted across the blue by three overworked but determined Eastern All-Stars. The fans roared their approval at the gauntlet thusly survived to force the shootout.

Here is where Vyacheslav (or "Alex" as some know him) put his stamp on the whole affair. It should, first of all, be mentioned that not only can Vyacheslav get an assist just by going to the bathroom, not only can he hit every post at whim and not only he can do so in every period of the game, including overtime, but he can also put it. In. The net.

His first goal of the game, a brilliant changeup off a breakaway. His second, a brilliant backhand shelf off a breakaway that NO ONE could have foreseen. His three points in the game were part of Operation: Punch, Jab and Assess... And then came Shock and Awe.

The shootout winner...the shootout winner that automatically had him driving the Honda to the elevator and down to his car...after which he tipped the garage attendant...with a Honda...

The shooutout winner: was a diabolical piercing stare from Hades itself, a laser-enhanced pellet from an over-gunpowdered blunderbuss, a crystalline Zeus bolt with the words "Mama says hi" stenciled on its side, a wicked gift that would have made the Dark Prince blush in envy, a fitting conclusion to such a defining episode of high-stakes hockey, with Vyacheslav delivering the boon.

No puck has ever entered a right shelf with such thorough conviction since the dawn of time.

Hockey Planet bows in gratitude.More updates as events warrant.

GETTING LECAVALIER

2009-01-13T15:32:00.003-05:00

MONTREAL - Most fans don't appreciate that subtleties of acquiring a superstar - or any player for that matter - and the business impact it has on your team. Thus, for those of you new to the process, allow me to fill you in.

Some teams are really big (Detroit, Toronto, Montreal, etc.). Others are not so big (Carolina, Phoenix, Tampa Bay, etc.). Some are kind of medium sized (Calgary, Boston, Vancouver, etc.). In fact, you could probably even make a graph of the sizes of different teams if you wanted to. But all teams have a few things in common: a rapidly changing financial market, a high degree of roster turn-over, and a guy in marketing named Bob who has huge sweat-stains under his armpits (even in December).

Often these teams find themselves in an awkward position. A player has decided to leave the team for one reason or another (usually for something very self-centered like having a baby or being severely mauled in a tiger attack) and they (the team) need to fill the position quickly and at low expense. This is an arduous process full of twists and turns. I mean, you can't just pick someone up off the street! Plus who wants street people in their lineup? Street people are stinky.

Luckily, a team always has other teams it can to turn to. The "other" team will take on the task taking the first team's mega-superstar off its hands and provide them with good, capable people that can be inserted into the lineup with minimal training and expense.

I mean, sure, the first team might will give the "other" team a description of the position they need filled and the skills required to perform it, but they take what they can get and ask for another when the time comes (see "Josef Balej for Alex Kovalev").

So in the end, the message is that the original team may not exactly be getting the best person(s) for the job. Whereas yesterday they had a talented, resourceful, veteran player, today they have some dipshits, fresh out of junior, one of which was only drafted because he promised the scout he would work on his drooling problem.

This is where teams face a creative challenge, namely, putting these troglodytes where they can do the least amount of harm.

So Tampa, if the Canadiens offer you Higgins, Plekanec, Subban, and some draft picks for your man Lecavalier... Well, you better damn well take them.

More updates as events warrant.

ANY BLUE CRUSH LEFT?

2009-01-09T08:08:00.005-05:00

The word "Crushing" is defined as: Suppression, the forceful prevention of accomplishment, whatever the leafs deem such to be;

Putting down by power or authority, either physically or spiritually, by laughing adversaries out of the building or booing them to the dogs and back;
Devastating, often used in combination with Alexei Vyacheslavovich Kovaliov;

Oppressing, to come down on or keep down by unjust use of one's Red, White and Blue Authority;

To humiliate or to depress completely, as one would a pancake;

Broken, to subdue or bring low in condition or status across Canada and Hockey Planet.

Now that no doubt remains in the application of such relevant characterization, your focused reporter can safely relate that the blue hockey leaves were CRUSHED last night in Montreal. No amount of skating from Moore, whining from Wilson, head-shaking from Burke, punching from Mayday and ref-pushing from Grabovski could delay the unstoppable tide, the unrelenting wave, the furious armada of your Montreal Canadiens, scratch that, your Montreal Bulldogs. (boy, the leafs suck, don’t they?)

There used to be a time when rookies brought up to the big club would have to tiptoe through the minefield of oppositional dedication. No more. Now, they play against the leafs and it’s like ice cream for freaks.

"Rivalry," your uninhibited reporter’s hairy ass.

Next game, please.

And contrary to Thursday night's somnambulant smackdown, we'll have an actual HOCKEY team come to Montreal. If there are fireworks, it's because with Theo (pictured left), the sky's the limit. No goaltender in the history of the league can tapdance to the beat of his OWN shaking knees. When they were handing out mental toughness, Theo was getting his Propecia prescription filled out. Capable of the most magical prowesses and the most godawful breakdowns, many biographers have tried to lay down his story but the paper they write it on biodegrades too quickly. This is not to say that Theo is terrible, just that he sucks, and that every night, all the little boys and little girls PRAY to see him in the opposing net. Well, Saturday night is Treat night!

More updates as events warrant.

Tanguay Out, Bush In

2009-01-02T20:39:00.004-05:00

MONTREAL - With the news that Alex Tanguay will be out of the lineup for at least 6 weeks, the Montreal Canadiens have turned to an unexpected source for answers. Fresh off screwing the United States economy and, indeed, that of the entire world, George W. Bush (pictured left) will take Tanguay's place on the Habs' roster.

Unsure as to why the Canadiens would bring in such a complete douche-bag, this intrepid reporter went in to the Lion's Den to ask the tough questions.

When I asked him if he thought he would do a good job replacing Tanguay, ex-President Bush said simply that he was excited to join the roster and added, "nobody will be able to do this job as resentfully as I can."

Bush excels at taking super powers and systematically driving them into the ground with extreme prejudice. So to bring him into the lineup is a bold move to be sure. Perhaps this is a move by the Canadiens brass to "play possum"; that or George H. Bush has something on Gillette.

Obviously unfamiliar with the sport of hockey, Bush Jr. asked me about the ceremonial coin-toss. Before I could answer, he drifted away into some sort of fantasy-world in which he lamented about how the coin-toss exacerbated the randomness of life.

In keeping with the odd theme, the Canadiens announced another bizarre move that will see Britney Spears (pictured right) replace Youppie as the new Canadiens mascot.

Likely in completely unrelated news, MaxPac is reportedly demanding a trade.

More updates as events warrant.

CANADIENS CLOSE OUT 2008 WITH SWIFT KICK TO FLORIDA BUTT

2008-12-31T13:06:00.002-05:00

Your Montreal Canadiens avoid deadly December 23rd curse altogether by having it removed from schedule. This tactic seems to have paid off as the Bleu Blanc Rouge return from Bethlehem with a vengeance.
Your intrepid reporter was able to corner Kid Crosby in the underground parking structure of the Igloo. With my weapon put away and his fears allayed, he disclosed how the Canadiens defence was as impermeable as polypropylene graphite. Geno was still crying over the Priceberg's robbery. The Elder Kostitsyn was a titan and the Habs were the greatest team in the world and could he please leave now.
Then came the trip to Florida; Christmas on the Beach, a Montreal Institution. Indeed, an estimated 13 000 Snowbirds in Miami and another 6 000 in Tampa would whole-heartedly agree that the Montreal trip to Florida during the Holidays is the only reason the State was founded at all.
"I love it here!", said Gontran Babineau, "We come in like the lords of all creation, the Floridians are afraid of us. I mean, you should see it here: they spell hockey, H-O-C-K-Y on the arena banners! They call the puck "the poke" and they call bodychecks "bodyhits", it’s great!"
The interview was suddeny cut short when Babineau shouted "Gotta go; there’s more of’em!" He then began to chase a Lightning-shirted lady and her daughter down the street, cackling madly.
So with no December 23rd curse to affect the southern swing, your Montreal Canadiens were left to crash about the Candy Shop like methed-up kids, upsetting displays and breaking gumball machines as they gorged themselves on Florida Raisins. If only one could find such pleasures in New Joisy.
More updates as event warrant.

THINGS WE LEARNED DURING THE LOSING STREAK

2008-12-19T10:58:00.003-05:00

MONTREAL - During the 3-game losing streak that saw our beloved Canadiens falter, some of us learned some valuable lessons. The things we learned helped us to cope with the heart-wrenching debacles that were supposedly NHL games. At this point I would like to share with you those lessons so that you may also cope come the next inevitable losing skid:

When the Bell-tower strikes midnight, go to the nearest speakeasy as it can only mean one thing... It's the witching hour and it's time to get your drink on. There is no dilemma a spirited hootenanny will not address.

To distract yourself, steal your mother's corset and don the stolen undergarment.
If it fits a little TOO comfortably, take it off immediately.

Start a fight with some bikers simply for the sake of an old fashioned gang-style brawl. Don't count on your friend Barry, though, he'll probably get out of the way cause it'll look like shit's about to go down pretty hard and heavy. Stupid Barry...

Not really related, though it is distracting: do not, I repeat, DO NOT let your friend Barry show you his collection of gay pornography. That DID NOT just happen...

INTIMIDATION

2008-12-16T10:48:00.004-05:00

CAROLINA - As the Canadiens are no longer able to intimidate opponents on the ice, the players have taken to trying to intimidate opponents off the ice.

In a bold move to try to put some life into the demoralized Montreal roster, coach Guy Carbonneau organized a poker match deep in the dark underbelly of the Raleigh underground. It is here that the murderous band of thugs make their name. And it is here that Carbonneau will turn his season around. Carbonneau pushes his players into the seedy establishment.

Andrei Kostitsyn - no stranger to places such as this - challenges the midnight crew to a game and prepares to show these rag-a-muffins who really holds the cards.

The dangerous band of mobsters threatens him with their sinister card-based magic. One of them even tries to intimidate him with the ace of spades! But Kostitsyn retailiates with his own hand of deadly and highly intimidating cards!

We are lost...

BOB GAINEY VISITS BISHOP OF ROME FOR POWER-PLAY POW-WOW.

2008-12-10T19:54:00.003-05:00

It was a calamitous affair that drew your faithful reporter to the Halls of Bell this morning. Bob Gainey, the general manager of the Royal Montreal Canadiens, just came in from Italy, where, we were told, he had lunch with an old friend and confidante. Asked if this "friend" was none other than the Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Bob demured.
"It was an engagement that had been tabled for quite some time."
- With your friend "Benny", Bob? That’s what it says on the Agenda.
"That’s right. Benny. Old friend of mine."
- Did you talk hockey?
"I talk hockey all the time; it may have come up."
- What does the Vicar of Christ know about hockey?
"It wasn’t the Holy Father, just a friend who can help with some power-play ideas. Next question."
- Will you be inviting the Successor of the Chief of the Apostles to your loge anytime soon?
"What does that have to do with anything?"
- Well, Bob, many say that Montreal’s power-play could use some divine intervention, and as the Patriarch of the West, your friend "Benny" might be just the ticket.
"Okay, listen: It wasn’t the Pope. I can’t be more clear. Just a normal general manager’s meeting. I just had lunch with my friend Benny. Yes, he lives in the Vatican, but..."
- The Sovereign of the Vatican State, no less. Is that correct?
"No, that is incorrect. Furthermore, don’t be reading anything into our team’s offensive explosion on the power-play coming up shortly."
- Why would you say such a thing, Bob?
"Call it an epiphany. Last question."
- Who kissed who’s ring?
"This press conference is over."
And there you have it, Rosary-holding, bead-rolling, knee-bowing Partisans. Bob Gainey did NOT visit anyone holier than...thou, in Italy. Just a friendly lunch with his friend Benny. The fact that good’ole Benedictine XVI happened to be photographed in his Habs regalia on the same day with the Key to the City of Montreal about his neck had nothing to do with anything.
Yea, the Power-Play cometh and that right righteously.
Amen.
More hymning as events warrant.

KOSTITSYN'S FLAMING BAG OF SHIT

2008-12-08T14:31:00.003-05:00

MONTREAL - With the arrival and outstanding play of Matt D'Agostini, a roster position on the Montreal Canadiens' roster is no longer sewn up for forward Sergei Kostitsyn. As a result, his frustration with coach Guy Carbonneau has culminated in a rebellious attack in the form of a flaming bag of shit.

Late Sunday evening, as Carbonneau left practice at the Bell Center and was walking towards his car, he was hit in the back by a blazing brown bag of excrement. When he turned, he saw Kostitsyn speeding away in his Porsche.

"It's disappointing for sure," commented the coach, "but if he'd played well to begin with, none of this would ever have happened. If he'd put as much effort into his play as he did with gathering, packaging, lighting, and subsequent throwing of that bag of shit, well..."

When asked how the coach would deal with the situation, he simply smiled and said, "never you worry about that. I've taken care of it."

On Monday morning, when approached for comment, Kostitsyn remained silent about the subject and merely continued to brush his teeth feverishly.

More updates as events warrant.

RDS CONFIRMS: LEAFS HAVE THE BOMB

2008-12-01T14:20:00.004-05:00

MONTREAL - For the first time since the end of the Cold War, the threat of nuclear annihilation hangs over the world. This after RDS announced yesterday that the Toronto Maple Leafs have constructed a fully operational 50-megaton nuclear device.

After taking over the post of President and GM late last week, Brian Burke wasted little time and successfully completed the first test detonation on Sunday in the heart of northern Ontario.

Now, since "The Button" is in the hands of Burke who, throughout recent history, has acted with violence and incredible intolerance, officials at RDS have moved the Doomsday Clock back up to one minute before midnight.

From his office (pictured left) deep within the catacombs of the Air Canada Center, Burke released a statement denying the claim, but added that those that look into the matter more closely will be "nuked up real good like."

When asked about the bomb, RDS scientist, Dr. Robert Pelt, responded that it was "primitive yet brilliant." Pelt was not sure how the Leafs got their hands on plutonium, but said that they handled it in much the same way they've handled their roster and thus it has likely resulted in mutations far beyond those that regularly occur as a result of inbreeding in Toronto.

With the threat in mind, Prime Minister Harper says that his main goal is to get the Leafs to dismantle their bomb entirely. And to that end, he plans to negotiate with the MLSE, offering them tax cuts, greater CBC air-time, and a revocation of all laws prohibiting incest.

EFFIN' VOODOO MAGIC, MON!

2008-11-27T14:28:00.006-05:00

Just when you think the greatest team in hockey and the best team in the world is doing its utmost to let you down, they turn on the Juice and spread the magic sauce. Everyone's getting into the mix, from Kovy to skating, through Plecky to scoring, to O'Byrne NOT poppin' it into his own net. NHL to look into excess Hab-fan voodoo piercings.

Because if such actions didn't yet prove the existence of a parallel universe, after Josh Gorges' goal, check out the punisher by Dandy (pictured left)! Babcock adamant: Hoodoo Voodoo involved.

Canadiens showing they really know how to smurf. Detroit's Lidstromma, Datsyun and Zetterberger (pictured right) were left to stare at their skate laces, bewildered and shocked by such an awesome display of talent in the Motor City, and we don't mean the robotic GM arms.

Next game: Ovy and Friends. Will Markov continue to put the squeeze on his good buddy? Will Kovy show Federov how an Ivan ages with Class? Will José find his inner half-season prowess? Will O'Byrne discover new ways to auto-sabotage? All your queries will be laid to ice tomorrow night at the Verizon Centre in Washer City. Be there! Or don't; what do we care?

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More updates as events warrant.

REVIEW AND PREVIEW

2008-11-25T14:43:00.005-05:00

Canadiens not content to lose, commit suicide. Bob Gainey shakes his jowls. Coach Carbo storms off in a huff. Doug Jarvis stares longingly at yesteryear. O'Byrne paralyed with shame on the bench. Fans restless. Frustration sows its creepy influence.

Kirk Muller could barely conceive his shock.

"We know that with kids, we have to emphasize certain points more than we would with veterans but...I didn't think we'd have to emphasize not scoring on your own net. Hey, everyone make mistakes. Not everyone scores on their own net but everyone makes mistakes. He's got to put this one behind him and forget about it. He needn't worry; we'll remember it aplenty for him. He O'Byrned us today but he'll be all Ryan in Detroit."

What?

Preview: Habs vs Wings.
Speaking of Detroit City, the Best in the West eagerly await the arrival of the Boys to snack on their doubting Tomas Plecanecsis. Throwing the Habs to the Wings seems like feeding a tiger meat at the moment but coach Guy Carbonneau thinks the Red, White'n'Blue have a chance, providing they work, skate hard, be first on the puck, play smart defensively, not give away the blueline, forcheck, keep the puck in the offensive zone, instill a cycle, keep up the pressure, create scoring chances, get shots on net and finish, they have a chance to come out with a good result. Oh, well, is that all? Sounds easy when he says it like that. Hockey City in Hockeytown, Thursday night.

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More updates as events warrant.

CANADIENS TO PLAY EXHIBITION GAME AGAINST FANS

2008-11-25T12:11:00.003-05:00

MONTREAL - After losing yet another game on Monday night against the New York Islanders, the Montreal Canadiens are looking for something, anything, to help boost their fragile confidence. The answer comes after many fans have sent in angry emails and phone calls demanding the Habs do something to right the sinking ship.

The answer is an exhibition game against their fans.

During the Christmas break, the "Canadiens vs. Fans" game will take place. The game, which is being promoted by Don King, is sure to draw massive media attention as well as ire, since the "Canadiens vs. Media" game is scheduled for next preseason.

"No doubt about it, the Montreal fans will be tough," Habs center (and eternal optimist) Saku Koivu said. "That guy from the corner Deli? Well, he's got a nasty shot that usually hits guys in the throat. And that guy who pushes the shopping cart around St. Catherine's? Man, he can wreak havoc in the neutral zone. (Also, you don't want him bleeding on you.) Oh! And that dude from maintenance? Well, he's just a gigantic jerk. But we've got a good team, too."

The Canadiens have of course confirmed that all of their regulars will be in the lineup, with the exception of Maxime Lapierre, whose animal-like tendencies are feared to result in his mounting one of the fans in a move of dominance followed inevitably by biting off an ear.

The Habs coaching staff, meanwhile, are of course looking at this game as an opportunity to (a) avenge certain statements the fans have made against them, and (b) get back into the win column.

Neither is expected to occur.

More comments as events warrant.

THE AWAKENING

2008-11-18T12:00:00.000-05:00

CAROLINA - Alone. Alone He skates. From the safety of the press box, I watch Him... The Magician.

Maybe it's the scent of the Canadiens' demise (like cruel water rising inexorably), but Alex Kovalev is suddenly much more inspired to put concerted effort into refining His craft. He's honed His willpower into that of a master Artist. Each pass, each shot, and the stick bends to His will... Yes. Yes!

The results are breath-taking. The moves are human emotion incarnate. Why, is this a mere practice, or are the pucks like fellow men rapt within the human condition?

No time for reflection, though, only doing.

And we await His Awakening...

CANADIENS PULL THEMSELVES OUT OF THE MIRE

2008-11-12T11:54:00.002-05:00

Your Montreal Canadiens were in fine spirits after obliterating the Ottawa Senators Tuesday night. Following their worst losing streak of the season, Hab coach Carbo called out the boys.
"C'mon, boys!," he apparently yelled, "This isn't Nashville! This isn't Columbus! In Montreal, we win! All the time! EVERY time!"
The Boys listened. And took out the Senator trash harder than a dumptruck on the Joisy turnpike. Many affirm that had the opposition been wearing red and white or brown and yellow or turquoise and magenta, they all would have left black and blue.
So was the mood when your plucky reporter entered the media fray for Carbo's post game analysis.
"We were sick of losing all the time. The "streak" had been the worst I've witnessed since I've been behind the bench. I knew we were better than that. We had to pull ourselves out of these losing ways and show the world that we were a good team. Tonight, we showed that we were not only a good team but a super-fantastical, titan-inspired Armada of a good team. There's no reason to believe that we can't bring the Fire each and every game. I spoke to my left-wingers before the game and as you can see, they answered. And what can you say about the Priceberg? He was excellent tonight."
Indeed, straight from the horse's mouth:
"They're a good team," the Kid said, "They crashed the net a lot. They were really throwin' it. They were boardin' it off the walls cuz they're so lively and I thought we played good."
That it?
"That's it."
Can we expect the same effort against Boston, Carbo?
"Saw a flick this weekend. Line in it I liked: Tell Julien the Habs are comin'.
And they're bringin' Hell with them."
More updates as events warrant.

PLUS/MINUS - CAREY PRICE

2008-11-01T08:30:00.000-04:00

MONTREAL - With the Centennial Season in motion for the Montreal Canadiens, the roster has been forever etched into history. The ultimate goal is, of course, to capture Lord Stanley's Cup. Thus, each player must be at the height of his game. Bob Gainey, the Canadiens' GM has selected each player on the roster according to the Grand Design. He's also selected them according to specialized skilled.

The following is a breakdown of the skill set of the Canadiens' franchise goalie, Carey Price.

Good Points:

Balls of steal means he doesn't need to wear a cup.

Can ride side-saddle on a horse and not look gay.

Can crochet like nobody's business.

Covers the back of the net very well.

Still able to pick up chicks even with pick-up lines like, "wow, you're a pretty, pretty princess."

Bad Points:

C'mon! Country music? Seriously?

Shouts "ka-pow!" every time he makes a save.

Sometimes gets too comfortable in net and leans back to take a nap.

Could be taller.

Can't dunk.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH THE CUP? - CARBONNEAU

2008-10-27T10:08:00.000-04:00

MONTREAL - You may remember that Canadiens' coach Guy Carbonneau won the Stanley Cup a few times during his career. Now that the Canadiens are considered a favorite for at least getting to the Finals, the questions are coming out about what he would do with the Cup if he won it again.

To such questions, Carbonneau is surprisingly upset. In his mind, players have not been "treating Stanley right."

"I mean, c'mon," Carbonneau said during an inpromptu interview with yours truly. "Taking the Cup to some po-dunk town in the middle of nowhere to show it off to some kids that would never otherwise see the Cup? Talk about cliché."

To Carbonneau, a night out with the Cup is not complete unless you take it to dinner, get to first base, and eventually throw it into a swimming pool.

WHEN HABS GO BAD

2008-10-23T23:41:00.004-04:00

Much has been written about the infamous helmet-swap between Gorgeous Gorges and the Priceberg at the end of the Panther game last Saturday. Since then, your intrepid reporter sought to learn more of this seemingly harmless practice.
Not so harmless as it turns out. Rather UNharmless. HarmFUL, actually.
"It was supposed to be a joke;" sputtered Gorges, once cornered at La Cage aux Sports, "It was supposed to be just a little thing to do, like a tradition, but Carey sees an opportunity and guess what? He takes it. He put Vicks vapor rub all over the inside of his helmet and he squished on my head! He said it was to get back at me? I put an extra SOCK in his bag, I don't see why I should have my BRAIN fried for that! People say I was smiling coming off the ice? I wasn't smiling; I was grimacing. Hey, he wants to play? I can play."
"Ok, but slashing the tires on my 4-Runner?", asked the incredulous young goalie. "That was... kinda unexpected, you could say." The superstar future Vézina winner then proceeded to up the ante by placing something in Gorges bag himself... something he had picked up from the city morgue. "Two can play the bag game", said the Sainte Flanelle phenom.
Since his deadline was fast approachingYour impatient reporter was the one who directed Gorges to his bag . Once his shrieks had subsided, he was kind enough to answer a few questions.
- Are you alright, Josh?
"Oh, he wants to play... oh, two can play... oh yes, two can play... and I'm gonna play too. "
- Where are you going?
"I'm going to firebomb his parents house."
Whoa!
More updates as events warrant.

SUNDIN JOINS CAST OF "DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES"

2008-10-18T14:22:00.002-04:00

LOS ANGELES — Desperate Housewives, a prime time drama featuring a flock of desperate, ugly women, whose secrets and truths unfold in a quiet suburban neighborhood, has found its newest cast member — Mats Sundin.

In his first episode, the former Toronto Maple Leaf will square off against Lynette Scavo (played by Felicity Huffman) in a battle to decide who is the real father of her long-lost son, Pepe (played by Gary Coleman). Personally, my money's on Huffman.

"We feel that the Mats brings a fresh new, and ugly face to the program," said creator Marc Cherry. "We looked at hundreds of potential candidates like Rod Brind'Amour, Kelly Buckberger, and Mike Ricci, but in the end, this rare and exotic creature from the darkest depths Sweden truly stood out."

"And as far as we can tell, it's a male," Cherry added.

In recent months, Sundin has been the talk of sports stations like, TSN, ESPN, and SportsNet. Having exhausted and tired the sports world with his snail-like decision reflexes about retirement, Sundin opted instead to tire and bore the entertainment world. Although again, I can't wait to see how he interacts with Carlos. Watch out!

According to Mary Stark, a fan of the show, Sundin's presence brings an "air of class" to the show. Something it's been missing since the days since "that chick totally lied to that other chick and they were all like, 'you bitch' and junk!" Riveting stuff, Mary, thank you.

"Sundin will be a star," said Cherry, who has already booked the former captain on Live With Regis And Kelly, and has even laid the groundwork on a deal for Sundin to take over hosting duties of the syndicated version of Don't Forget the Lyrics in 2012.

"I like Mats," said HNIC host, Ron MacLean. "I think he's tall and sexy. More importantly, he shows that you don't need to have hair or teeth to make it big in Hollywood."

According to a network insider, Sundin's character, Pablo, will have an emotional segment sometime this season in which he reveals that he is in love with Don Cherry.

PLUS / MINUS: SAKU KOIVU

2008-10-14T21:57:00.002-04:00

Now that the Superiority of our team is beyond reproach, the authors of Habs Bros would like the readers' help in drawing up the plus and minuses of some of our particular players, not they are particular but that their selection is... First post, the reporter is already confused...
Anyhoo!,
Let us look at our Kapitan Extraordinaire, Saku Koivu.
Pluses:
1) Can someway say "KeeeeRUNCH-time!"? Anybody? Crunch-time, who's the man? Who is THE MAN? Thank you.
2) Can kick cancer's ass better than John Wayne. And that, friends and neighbours, is saying a HECK of lot about the guy.
3) Can see through a glazed eye. Verily, the hockey-gods have punished Williams for this affront.
4) Makes Latendresse look like Leclair. Makes Teemu look like Teemu. Who else can do this? Nobody, that's who.
5) Makes Bob Gainey gush out compliments like a busted hydrant. Who else can make Bob react this way? Nobody, that's who.
Minuses:
1) Getting old; won't play outside anymore.
2) Doesn't kick ass in the dressing-room when Markov pulls a Thornton.
3) Left a weird vision to fans when he sported a BLUE JERSEY! (Yes, we know it was ours, but still, freaky!)
4) Has yet to inscribe his name beside his predecessors.
We at Habs Bros are still left with the mantra, one that every Montrealer must chant with Pride:
Saku Koivu is a Champion. He works like a Champion, lives like a Champion, breathes like a Champion, probably mows his lawn in Turkavegablest (or whatever) like a Champion too, truth be told.
And one day soon, he will win a Championship.
Making us ALL Champions and reaffirming our rightful place in the Halls of Hockey Valhalla.
Yonder paradise we never should have left.
More updates as events warrant.

PLUS/MINUS - ALEX KOVALEV

2008-10-11T08:45:00.000-04:00

MONTREAL - As the Centennial Season begins for the Montreal Canadiens, the roster has been forever etched into history. The ultimate goal is, of course, to capture Lord Stanley's Cup. Thus, each player must be at the height of his game. Bob Gainey, the Canadiens' GM has selected each player on the roster according to the Grand Design. He's also selected them according to specialized skilled.

The following is a breakdown of the skill set of one the Canadiens' premier players, Alex Kovalev.

Good Points:

Hit Darcy Tucker in the face. What's not to like?

Was not born, but grown... In ice...

Always willing to work with star athletes like Jaromir Jagr and Mario Lemieux in order to set career highs.

Able to shoot puck off Zamboni, Jumbotron, and glass, and get nothing but net.

Has never done anything wrong.

Bad Points:

Sometimes loses site of puck through mullet.

Theoretically, he could have more money.

Incapable of ever smiling.

Not a strong cook.

Unable to have a normal conversation because everyone always just stares in amazement.

SPECTACULAR SEASON ERRS ON THE SIDE OF RIDICULOUS

2008-05-04T10:19:00.002-04:00

MONTREAL - After a spectacular season of near-constant highs, the Montreal Canadiens' season came to an end last night in the most anti-climactic of ways. A fourth consecutive loss to the mediocre Philadelphia Flyers eliminated the Canadiens from compitition for the ultimate prize, the Stanley Cup.

Was it Karma? Was it destiny? Was it bad joo-joo? Did the Canadiens, a team that no one picked to even make the playoffs, offend the Gods in doing so? Was it Carbonneau's heritical tie?

Whatever it was, it just wasn't meant to be.

I, like most Habs fans, enjoyed the ride knowing full well that there was little to no chance of winning the Cup. Indeed, if the Canadiens had made the Conference Final, it is doubtful that even the Faithful would pick them to beat Pittsburgh. So we always knew we were going to be eliminated.

But really, the Flyers? C'mon!

Shades of the Carolina Hurricanes; down and out until the removal of Our Captain's eye. Shades of the Tampa Bay Lightning; thoroughly dominated, yet winning despite (although at least they had some talented players).

What do those teams have in common? Yeah, they won the Cup.

Are the Flyers a team of destiny? Did Briere know something we didn't? Did Biron? Is Hatcher really the difference maker Bobby Clarke always thought he was? Is Umberger the real deal? It is the fact that this paragraph can barely be taken seriously that makes me realize just how horrible it was for Us to lose to these clowns.

Oh well. There's always next year right? Centennial Cup?

Now let the offseason fun begin. Let us dump Ryder to Edmonton, pick up a signifant UFA (Hossa? Jagr?) and gear up for next year's awesome ride!

DEAR JEBUS

2008-05-01T21:37:00.002-04:00

We are but normal folk, humbled and humiliated. And far be it from us to stifle Your creativity or Your judgement. Yet here we are. On the brink.
We know that You have a Grand Plan, and that Bob Gainey, the Montreal Canadiens and the Priceberg are somehow involved and we truly appreciate that because it fills us with Hope and has renewed our Partisanship to a frenzy this City has never witnessed, even in our times of Glory. We also understand that to Win, our children must learn the agony of defeat as, indeed, the Penguins learned last year. But, dear Jebus, that was the Senators! The good Senators!
These are the Flyers!
What are we learning now? That You have a sense of humor? Ok, ha-ha. Very funny. You got us; that was a good one, ok? Losing to the Penguins, ok, that's fine, we accepted that; it would have been honorable and a fitting end to a Spectacularly season.
But the Flyers represent everything You despise, Jebus. What the hell are you doing? We are confused, stunned and dismayed at Your proceedings and we're all wondering what to do to get You back on our side. Different way to work, longer shower, avoiding cracks in the sidewalk, squishing raspberries, howling to the moon, sacrificing white roosters, converting to scientology, what?! What do we have to do, please tell us? Because this isn't right. You know this isn't right.
Jebus?
Are You even there? ........screw it.
Maurice? Tell'em!
"Nos bras meurtris vous tendent le flambeau."
That means you, Kovy.
Now let's do this thing but this time,
Let's do it right.

IF THE CANADIENS DON'T BEAT PHILADELPHIA TONIGHT, THE TERRORISTS HAVE ALREADY WON

2008-04-30T09:09:00.004-04:00

PHILADELPHIA - Undoubtedly, the Canadiens are very busy preparing for tonight's game and, no doubt, they already have enough pressure on them as it is. But what this town (Montreal) needs right now is a return to tradition. We need to work, laugh, and win the way we did before September 11. That's why it's absolutely vital that the Canadiens win tonight. Because if they don't, well, then the terrorists have already won.

These are hard times for all of us. Some days, I can barely bring myself to yell at the TV from my Lazy-Boy as the Canadiens blow another powerplay opportunity. Yet to hang my head in defeat is exactly what they want us to do. They want us to give up and admit defeat. I don't know how you were raised, but when life deals me a blow, I pick myself up, dust myself off, and demand that players be traded. That's the way I am, and I'm not going to let some fundamentalist wacko halfway around the world change that.

Hopefully the Canadiens realize that by giving me poor performance, they're giving a poor performance to an entire nation! Until they can learn to win every game, maybe they should take the "Canadian" reference from their name. The entire team is making a mockery of everything Canada stand for. They should feel ashamed.

Do they want the beer of past couch-coaches to have been spilled for nothing? Well, if they can't bring us the wins we need to capture the Stanley Cup, they might as well move to Afghanistan and join Al Queda, because that's what they're really doing. Right now, the Habs need to ask themselves some difficult questions. Namely, are they part of the problem or part of the solution?

Also, a shutout and eight goals tonight would be nice.

A CURSEWORK ORANGE

2008-04-28T16:19:00.003-04:00

Sources close to the team reveal hoodoo-voodoo behind Flyer bench. The team doing the revealing was, of course, Your Montreal Canadiens.
The NHL board of directors are seriously considering thinking of the possibilty of maybe appealing towards Gary Bettman to instill "The Flyer Rule", perhaps.
"The Flyer Rule" would be to award victory, no matter the score, to the team that so pummeled its opposition and so demolished any conceivable sense of adversity between them that they should not have to suffer the ignominity of defeat by vengeful Gods.
The puck went this way, that way, the other way around and back again. It went left; it went right, through that guy's legs and between those guys' coverage. It went aside the goalie, over and under him, across him and towards him, side to side and up and down. It chipped off every speck of paint and either net while it explored the bending properties of iron. It sailed; it sallied; it parted the orange seas like a Kovalev through a kindergarten class.
The only place the puck didn't go, was where it was supposed to go.
Some say the talismanic-Tie has aggravated the hockey-gods by its overuse. We accept the remonstrance. however,
Timonen: "Na-na! Boo-boo!"
SMACKO!!!
You unbelievable bastich...
Philly?
Be prepared.

FLYERS HOPING "SILLY HAT DAY" WILL TURN THINGS AROUND

2008-04-25T23:06:00.001-04:00

MONTREAL - After losing the first game of the series to the Canadiens, Philadelphia Flyers' head coach John Stevens was seeking a gimmick that would help boost the moral of his team before game two.

"I don't know, there's already a bunch of teams that do the head-shaving, karaoke, or Greco-Roman wrestling," said Stevens, leafing through an issue of Coaching for Dummies. "I thought about juggling, but in the end, 'Silly Hat Day' just came to me."

Well, the gimmick was a huge success.

Darien Hatcher scored easily during a scrimmage as backup goalie Antero Niittymaki could not focus on the puck for sake of the hulking Hatcher's tiara (his own). Vacalav Prospal was also in the spirit, wearing a British policeman's cap, while Jeff Carter wore the very same green hat worn by Don Cherry for St. Patrick's Day.

Unfortunately, the day was not all positives as Daniel Briere was actually further demoralized when he did not properly understand the memo and came to the rink dressed head-to-toe as a '70's disco pimp.

No word yet as to whether the Flyers will wear their "silly hats" to the game on Saturday.

VERITABLE, VALOROUS, VINDICATED, YET VENTURESOME VICTORY

2008-04-21T22:27:00.002-04:00

64 000 Hydro-Québec éoliennes across the provinces produce enough electricity to sustain the province until the end of 2011 with collective sigh of Partisan relief. The Canadiens are into Round 2 of the Stanley Cup playoffs.
3rd star: Saku Koivu
2nd star: Alex Kovalev
1st star: Carey Price
Super-duper 1st star?
The talisman worn by Guy Carbonneau to invoke the Power of the Gods. The Hockey Gods.
Only a talisman of such primeval and decadent ugliness could attract the Gods' attention, an object that could cause a God to retch.
"WHAT IS THIS SIGHT?"
"Listen to me."
"WHO BIDS US?"
"Just a coach. A coach who swore to uphold the seal blessed by your forefathers. Will you hearken?"
"YOU DARE SAY THE NAME?"
"We are the name. Will you hearken? The seal calls on you."
"YOU DARE?"
"The seal demands it. You must obey."
"...WHAT IS REQUIRED?"
"Only ever the same."
"VICTORY."
"Yes."
"YOUR AMBITION IS ONLY EQUALED BY YOUR VANITY."
"We swore to be champions."
"WHO IS IT NOW?"
"Only ever the same."
"BOSTON."
"Yes."
"...IT WILL BE DONE. BUT BE WARNED, THAT TALISAMN HAS LIMITED EFFECT. USE IT...WISELY."
"Thy wills be done."
Kraka-ka-boom!

DEAR MR CARBONNEAU

2008-04-19T00:00:00.001-04:00

What up, dawg?

I'm a new fan of the Canadiens and for the most part, I'm really digging this team! But I have a question I was hoping you could answer for me.

There are some really good players on this team, and yet when I see them, I don't feel any... Well, for lack of a better term, urges (to cheer that is). I ain't jellin' with my yellin'! You feel me?

I guess my question is this: Why has the coaching staff seen fit to suppress the raw talent on this roster by placing Smolinski on the powerplay, Ryder on the bench, and 4 out of 5 players in the neutral zone?

Sincerely,
- A concerned fan.

PS: Seriously! I gots to get my freak on!

DISGRACEFUL, DISHONORABLE, DISGUSTING DEFEAT

2008-04-18T09:28:00.002-04:00

The Bell Center is resonating with silence. The Montreal throng is screaming sweet nothing in nobody's ear. The chant changed from "Olé, Olé, Olé" to "Au lit, Au lit, Au lit" midway through the 2nd period of the 5th game opposing the Glorious Ones to the Big Bad Bruins. Dull drama delays dandy deed. Truly, a debacle is not what 21273 persons paid for last night but verily, that's what they got, and that most righteously. A drastic drubbing led directly to deadly disintegration. Decadent disaster depreciates demeanor of dictator's disciples. Guy Carbonneau overheard swearing in coach's office before press conference but looked composed enough to talk to us.
-What happened, coach?
"We lost. We played with no effort after our first goal. The guys thought it'd be easy and it might be but you still gotta go out there and get it."
-Kovalev said noone is going to give to you.
"Well, did you write that down?"
-Did you ever expect to drop a 5 to 1 game versus Boston?
"Yeah, I had it planned on my calendar and everything; what do you think? We were embarassed on own ice, I think the guys know this has been a wake-up call."
-Is the alarm loud enough?
"(menacing glare in your terrified reporter's direction)"
-Ummmm....I mean, how're you gonna get the team to rebound from this one, coach?
"By getting them to work for 60 minutes instead of 20. The Bruins have played better lately and we have to respond."
-The Kid, last night...
"No comment. No wait, the Kid is the Real Deal; that's my comment."
-If the Bruins win the series...
"Then the Universe might as well turn to jello and disappear because it will have no reason to exist anymore. 'If the Bruins win the series'; listen to yourself. Bad bounces, that's all. Just bad bounces. We're going to win."
-Bad bounces?
"Yeah. Same reason you're here."
I declare!
More updates as events warrant.