9 OUT OF 10 DENTISTS AGREE: HABS SUCK

EDMONTON - A recent medical study performed by the American Dental Association revealed that nine out of ten dentists believe that the leading cause of sucking is being a Montreal Canadien.

I, for one, find it difficult to argue with such flawless logic as this.

As a die-hard fan of Les Boys, I was shocked to hear that my heros were actually causing tooth decay and gingivitis. Apparently flossing does nothing when you're constantly chewing on a steamy pile of sh*t. Who knew?

As it happens, your intrepid reporter so happened to be in Edmonton and so happened to get his hands on some tickets to go and see the Lord's Team. The tickets were free, but I still feel like I'm owed something for having had to endure such a debacle.

Many of the fans left early, but I stuck around. As a true fan, you have to take it when your team is bad. And I took it. Oh, I took ALL of it... And let me tell you, I'll never walk the same again.

Does anyone remember Ottawa last season? Remember even further back with guys like Yashin and Mogilny and what they brought to their teams come pressure time? Remember Mr. October, Brian Savage? Don't all those things strike a resounding resemblance to something we're witnessing today?

Well, at least we got us a Honda... I mean, that's a whole CAR! Who the hell needs a stinking CUP after that?!?

More griping as events dictate.

THE DARK GEORGE RETURNS

Your furtive reporter managed to score a sweet spot for the Habs enforcer’s press conference this morning. The microphone picked up the whole of the exchange so nothing had to be manufactured. There was lots of hustle and quite a bit of bustle as the rest of the suckers set up their lights and tripods but soon, all were ready and the conference commenced as George Laraque was presented to us by Donny. A cloud passed over as the man took the podium.

- What’s the word, Georgie?

"Word is I’m ready to go and when the coach says the same, I’ll be there for the team."

- How do you feel about the kind of impact you brought to the Canadiens this year?

"In what way?"

- Do you feel like you’ve let the Canadiens down by being injured and that essentially, you’re a bust?

"I’m sorry, what? What did you say? Do you wanna repeat that?"

- Umm...no?
"That’s right. Listen up. All’o’yehs. No more Mister Nice Guy, I’m at 100 percent and those restraints I brought up at the beginning of the year? The ones about waiting for the proper time and being beholden by the rules that say I can’t go with someone smaller than me or someone who won’t drop his gloves and about not hurting the team and all that? Yeah, that’s out the window. Yeah, first one gets outta line is a dead man. Second one will be more of a fight cuz I’ll be tired."

A chorus of collaborative laughs rose up from the room.

"Did I say something funny?" asked George darkly.

The laughs died and the place became a tomb. I distinctly heard the sound of urine running down a leg. Think it might’ve been mine.

More cringing as events warrant.

This report brought to you by the Government of Canada's Breastfeeding Friendly Program. Don't be bad to baby whilst feeding him. You catch it unawares. Be friendly.