BRUINS NOT GIVING UP OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT

MONTREAL - After a second straight loss to the mighty Canadiens, you might assume the Bruins are reeling. You might assume that their confidence is shot. You might also assume that they've given up.

But you'd be wrong.

In a post-game press conference, coach Claude Julien praised his boys for not losing their cool. When asked if he thought his team was down-and-out, Julien responded, "What? No! We're not dead or anything like that! We're fine! What?" Shifting uncomfortably in his seat, he continued, "look, we're doing just fine, alright?!?. Nothing weird or alarming is going on here."

When asked about injuries to some key players, Julien easily deflected the queries by moving the press conference into the dressing room. "See, there's Bergeron just propped up against the lockers with his eyes closed like he always is. Ha ha, that Bergeron! He's great! ... And not injured at all!"

On the other side of the locker-room we found the omnipresent Zdeno Chara. He was bruised and bloodied and appeared to be dangling from a network of cords tied to the ceiling. Julien pointed to him and said, "and um, Chara over there is just chillin'! Not being held up by ropes or anything. Very lifelike... Um, because he's alive! And not dead!"

I don't know about you, dear reader. But I'm convinced. The Bruins simply cannot be demoralized!

JULIEN'S HEARTBREAKING ACCOUNT OF SORROWFUL DESPAIR

Claude Julien needs to take a page out of Mike Keenan's book. When there's nothing to say, that's what you say. Instead, Julien, either out of pure misery or brilliant tactic, is playing the Pity card. The post-game conference showed a shell-shocked coach whose team had just been steamrolled over by the Powerhouse of the East. As a surviving bomb-victim stumbling around ground-zero with no pants and hair ablaze, so did Julien flounder beneath the Spotlights,
"We're going to go over the video. We're going to watch every play again. Once we're done, I'll tell my guys, "Hey guys, don't do any of that." We were beaten to every play by every guy with every move. They were better at the physicality. We wanted to be strong on their players but they crushed us unto oblivion. We wanted to get the puck in deep in their zone, get a cycle going and guys in front of the net but their goaler stuffed it down our throats, their defense wiped us out and their attackers slapped us in the face before we knew what was going on."
-How do you see your team rebounding from this, coach?
"It's a 7-game series. It's not over. We have to play better. Tonight their team was the better team. They were first on the puck, they scored quick and hard, they beat us up, everything worked for them. They're an excellent team."
-Yeah, but I was asking about your team, coach.
"My team doesn't belong here. We're a joke to Montreal. They're just the greatest team in the history of the world. We have no chance. I...I...I don't know what to do! How do I stop them?! I don't know how to stop them! Does anyone know? They're better than us in every single aspect of the game by a Mexican mile."
-You killed off a 5 on 3 at the end of the game, coach.
"Great. End of the game. 3 minutes left. They're leading 4 to 1. I'm sure they gave it their all to score. Pfffff... Thanks but no thanks."
-Can you take out anything positive from tonight, coach?
"Yeah, we look great in white and yellow; what do you want from me?!"
We love you Claude.
More updates as events warrant.

TIP: PLAYOFF BEARDS CAN DOUBLE AS COMB-OVERS

MONTREAL - As the post-season looms for The Glorious Ones, tradition begins to take hold. Canadiens players and fans alike will now forgo their desires of women and sacrifice their careers of heavy-equipment operation by succumbing to the greatest of hockey traditions: the playoff beard.

For some, however, vast amounts of facial hair can be used as more than satisfaction of a superstition. Indeed, for fans and players like Bryan Smolinski and Andrei Kostitsyn, it might be worth noting that your playoff beard can double as a comb-over!

That's right, be sexy again! Imagine yourself with hair! Vanity Fair could be in your future. You'll notice people all over your city whispering behind your back. Know what they're saying? "I wish I looked one tenth as good as he's looking," that's what.

For example, Alex Kovalev – whose steely gaze and easygoing personality have consistently captivated millions around the globe – has, for the past 12 years, attained the highest possible scores in every known measure of physical, psychological, and spiritual attractiveness. Why? Amazing hair, that's why.

A recent poll conducted by the Rogaine Research Center revealed that 38 percent of women believe hair makes a man look "distinguished," 21 percent think it makes a man look "sharp," and 13 percent believe hair makes a man look "square-jawed and rugged, yet stately and reserved, as one would expect a baron or king to look."

The poll had no statistical margin of error.

Plus, it is a widely known fact that most carbon-based organisms will, over time, succumb to the ravages of cellular decomposition and genetic degradation. But you, with your beard-over, will look as though you have aged like a fine wine.

THE BOLD AND THE BOUNTIFUL

The Glorious Engine of Destruction keeps rumbling on, decimating opponent's ranks like a chain-saw in a ceaser salad. A non-stop influx of young and beautiful Talent to the Only Roster is sowing Fear throughout the league. D'Agostini, the flitting ghoul, smiling in the shadow of S.Richer, has made his name enough.
But until a day ago, the name "Gregory Stewart" sounded like the fast-ball special at Fenway Stadium, something you would take with mustard. The hyphens have come off and the only mustard in sight is in the velocity of his punch to your potato-chewer. The shadow of C.Lemieux looms thusly...
For every who Falls,
Two shall Arise.
The Word has spread to all Divisions, confident or powerless: Be Prepared.
So unplug the cyrogenic chamber and wake up Granpa. Get a coffee down his gullet while his eyes unpeel and then tell him it's 1977. He'll spit. Give him a good smack across the noggin and tell him that the Waves of Red White and Blue Terror are once again booming across the shores of the NHL. 262 goals, Granpa! He'll spit and he'll look....Bob Gainey?......Boston?
And he'll Believe.
His Boys are Back!

MAPLE LEAFS APPARENTLY GIVING IT ANOTHER SHOT

TORONTO - Hockey fans in Toronto and, indeed, across Canada have reported feelings of surprise, amusement, and slight anger after discovering that the Toronto Maple Leafs have announced they have decided to enter a team into next year's NHL season.

"Hey, if our players want to try and go for it one more time, then who am I to stop them?" said MLSE chair, Larry Tanenbaum in a press-conference.

The Maple Leafs have missed the playoffs for the third consecutive year and continue to prove to the hockey world that they are, perhaps, the single worst managed team in the league. Some pundits have equated the MLSE management team to the singular Mike Milbury who single handedly set the New York Islanders back approximately 52 years.

The majority of Canadian media outlets agreed that this was likely going to be the last year in the NHL for the Maple Leafs, opting to quit instead of consistently disappointing their fans.

However, despite the country's reaction, Tanenbaum stood behind his players' decision. "You really have to respect their persistence, going out there like this. It's like they don't care that they're going to lose."

To be safe, Tanenbaum has already booked tee-times for the players for April, 2009.

CBC has already begun work on a 16 hour made-for-TV movie about the courage and wonder that is the Maple Leafs. It is expected to air 104 times during the summer. Don Cherry has already given it his "thumbs up" as perhaps the greatest achievement in TV history.

ROY'S KID RUINS IT FOR EVERYBODY.

After the ap-down-slay in the Saguenay, the Canadian government will announce today a ban on fighting in junior hockey. Goons, gorillas, hackers, smackers, grinders, blinders, policemen and plumbers shocked.
Remarks ranged from "Heck do we do now?!" to "What kind of candy-butt government would do something like that?" and concluding with "Do they know anything about hockey?".
Gilles Courteau, administrator of the LHJMQ isn't too pleased about it either. "Hey, as long as you promise me that this is off the record, personally, I am totally against this. Brawls get the folks in the arena; ain't gonna lie to ya. But you gotta beef? You talk to Roy and that monkey kid of his. He's the one what ruined it for everybody, you know? So now, I gotta act responsible and holier than thou, you understand? I gotta pretend that I'm for this thing when in fact, it's stickin' in my craw like you wouldn't believe. Everywhere I go, it's always been Roy, Roy, Roy, like a god***n bane on my existence. I hate him so much. Ugh...Off the record, right?"
Of course.
No more fighting in junior hockey.
Maybe those kids'll get drafted now.
What's a craw?

TIPS FOR THE PLAYOFFS

TORONTO - Summer is just around the corner, and that means it's almost time to go outside in the grass and sunshine and have fun with your family in the great outdoors. But for the NHL, blistering heat and sunlight means the playoffs have arrived!

With that in mind, the NHL has released a bullet-point set of tips to help you enjoy the playoffs:

Special Note: If your team was unable to qualify for the playoffs and neither CBC or TSN was able to buy your way in (that means you, Toronto), you have little chance of having a fulfilling summer.

For those of you that will attend a playoff game, keep in mind that, though not generally known, beer and popcorn vendors are pitted against each other in a fierce turf war. Avoid getting caught in the crossfire.

Beer sold by the aforementioned vendors may be unsafe to drink. As an alternative: imagine how cool you would look downing a grape-flavoured Crush with no shirt on!

Under no circumstances should you let your wife or girlfriend stay at home with that guy from her yoga class while you go out to the pub to watch the game. Trust me on this one.

Waking up the next morning feeling groggy with a sore anus is a perfectly normal experience after "celebrating" a particularly good game of hockey at the pub.

If your team is losing and you're looking for something fun to do, have a beer every time a CBC announcer mis-pronounces a non-Maple Leaf player's name. If you don't end up in the hospital getting your stomach pumped, you're not listening hard enough.

No matter how much you suck in your gut, the cute bartender chick ain't gonna sleep with ya.

If you're attending a game, remember that no matter what people tell you, do not strip off your clothes and jump onto the ice. Humiliation, arrest and shrinkage may result.

Instead of a hockey jersey and ball-cap, try wearing women's makeup and a feather boa to the game or pub. This will enable you to enjoy the game in a whole new way.

When facing Don Cherry, be sure to wear garlic and carry a cross. In cases of extreme emergency chant the words, "Bobby Orr would've looked great in a Toronto uniform."

A good rule of thumb regarding hockey-game etiquette is that if a goal is scored by your team, you should stand up, cheer, and hug the person beside you. It's not gay if you initiate.

Canada's pubs are home to many magnificent forms of indigenous females. Be sure to bring a rifle with plenty of stopping power.

To best enjoy the playoffs, attempt to speak the word, "Go," followed by the word, "Habs," and then "Go" again. After a brief pause, repeat the three words again. After repeating this action thousands of times, you will almost certainly be having the time of your life. (Results may vary.)