DISGRACEFUL, DISHONORABLE, DISGUSTING DEFEAT

The Bell Center is resonating with silence. The Montreal throng is screaming sweet nothing in nobody's ear. The chant changed from "Olé, Olé, Olé" to "Au lit, Au lit, Au lit" midway through the 2nd period of the 5th game opposing the Glorious Ones to the Big Bad Bruins. Dull drama delays dandy deed. Truly, a debacle is not what 21273 persons paid for last night but verily, that's what they got, and that most righteously. A drastic drubbing led directly to deadly disintegration. Decadent disaster depreciates demeanor of dictator's disciples. Guy Carbonneau overheard swearing in coach's office before press conference but looked composed enough to talk to us.
-What happened, coach?
"We lost. We played with no effort after our first goal. The guys thought it'd be easy and it might be but you still gotta go out there and get it."
-Kovalev said noone is going to give to you.
"Well, did you write that down?"
-Did you ever expect to drop a 5 to 1 game versus Boston?
"Yeah, I had it planned on my calendar and everything; what do you think? We were embarassed on own ice, I think the guys know this has been a wake-up call."
-Is the alarm loud enough?
"(menacing glare in your terrified reporter's direction)"
-Ummmm....I mean, how're you gonna get the team to rebound from this one, coach?
"By getting them to work for 60 minutes instead of 20. The Bruins have played better lately and we have to respond."
-The Kid, last night...
"No comment. No wait, the Kid is the Real Deal; that's my comment."
-If the Bruins win the series...
"Then the Universe might as well turn to jello and disappear because it will have no reason to exist anymore. 'If the Bruins win the series'; listen to yourself. Bad bounces, that's all. Just bad bounces. We're going to win."
-Bad bounces?
"Yeah. Same reason you're here."
I declare!
More updates as events warrant.

BRUINS CONTEMPLATING SURRENDER

"If there's one thing I've always told my players is to never give up, never surrender, never lie down for anybody. But sometimes, you just gotta wake up and smell the pudding. The pudding in this case, is chock-full of proof. The cookie is crumbling totally the wrong way for our team and it looks like there's only one side to that medal, after all."
....*It was the heeeee-at of the moment!.....Telling you what my HEART thinks! The heeee-at of the moment; th'look in your eyyyyyyyyye!*....
Claude Julien looked crestfallen at last night's press conference following the 1 - 0 loss of the Bruins to a Patrice Brisebois cracker. Habs take a 3 - 1 series lead and aim to close it out in Montreal on Thursday.
....*It's the final COUNTDOWN! Doo-doo-doo,dooooooo. Dee-dee-dee, doo, dooooooo*.......
"There's no sugar-coating reality; we're losing. We all know that it's team num.1 versus team num.8, but to me, it looks like two equal teams battling it out, out there. Of course, for that scenario to hold water, we have to put that little black rubber doohickey in the netted cage behind the Priceberg. That's not happening right now. So forget what I said; it's obvious I don't know what I'm talking about just as it's obvious that we're going to get eliminated in 5 games, just like everybody thought we would be."
....*It's the, eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight, rising up to the challenge of a riiiiival, and the last known survivor....*
What can we expect from the Bruins in game 5, coach?
"We're gonna go out there and we're gonna grind it out, get it deep, work the cycle, get it back to the point, clog the crease, try to gets some shots on net, go for rebounds, scrap and fight for every inch of ice we can get."
....*You got to move it, move it; you got to move it, move it, you got to, MOVE IT*....
What does that mean, coach?
"It means we have no chance in hell; can I go now? And will someone turn that damn radio off?!"
.....*The kii-iid, is HOT tonight! The kii-iid is HOT tonight!*.....
(click)
More updates as events warrant.

BRUINS NOT GIVING UP OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT

MONTREAL - After a second straight loss to the mighty Canadiens, you might assume the Bruins are reeling. You might assume that their confidence is shot. You might also assume that they've given up.

But you'd be wrong.

In a post-game press conference, coach Claude Julien praised his boys for not losing their cool. When asked if he thought his team was down-and-out, Julien responded, "What? No! We're not dead or anything like that! We're fine! What?" Shifting uncomfortably in his seat, he continued, "look, we're doing just fine, alright?!?. Nothing weird or alarming is going on here."

When asked about injuries to some key players, Julien easily deflected the queries by moving the press conference into the dressing room. "See, there's Bergeron just propped up against the lockers with his eyes closed like he always is. Ha ha, that Bergeron! He's great! ... And not injured at all!"

On the other side of the locker-room we found the omnipresent Zdeno Chara. He was bruised and bloodied and appeared to be dangling from a network of cords tied to the ceiling. Julien pointed to him and said, "and um, Chara over there is just chillin'! Not being held up by ropes or anything. Very lifelike... Um, because he's alive! And not dead!"

I don't know about you, dear reader. But I'm convinced. The Bruins simply cannot be demoralized!

JULIEN'S HEARTBREAKING ACCOUNT OF SORROWFUL DESPAIR

Claude Julien needs to take a page out of Mike Keenan's book. When there's nothing to say, that's what you say. Instead, Julien, either out of pure misery or brilliant tactic, is playing the Pity card. The post-game conference showed a shell-shocked coach whose team had just been steamrolled over by the Powerhouse of the East. As a surviving bomb-victim stumbling around ground-zero with no pants and hair ablaze, so did Julien flounder beneath the Spotlights,
"We're going to go over the video. We're going to watch every play again. Once we're done, I'll tell my guys, "Hey guys, don't do any of that." We were beaten to every play by every guy with every move. They were better at the physicality. We wanted to be strong on their players but they crushed us unto oblivion. We wanted to get the puck in deep in their zone, get a cycle going and guys in front of the net but their goaler stuffed it down our throats, their defense wiped us out and their attackers slapped us in the face before we knew what was going on."
-How do you see your team rebounding from this, coach?
"It's a 7-game series. It's not over. We have to play better. Tonight their team was the better team. They were first on the puck, they scored quick and hard, they beat us up, everything worked for them. They're an excellent team."
-Yeah, but I was asking about your team, coach.
"My team doesn't belong here. We're a joke to Montreal. They're just the greatest team in the history of the world. We have no chance. I...I...I don't know what to do! How do I stop them?! I don't know how to stop them! Does anyone know? They're better than us in every single aspect of the game by a Mexican mile."
-You killed off a 5 on 3 at the end of the game, coach.
"Great. End of the game. 3 minutes left. They're leading 4 to 1. I'm sure they gave it their all to score. Pfffff... Thanks but no thanks."
-Can you take out anything positive from tonight, coach?
"Yeah, we look great in white and yellow; what do you want from me?!"
We love you Claude.
More updates as events warrant.

TIP: PLAYOFF BEARDS CAN DOUBLE AS COMB-OVERS

MONTREAL - As the post-season looms for The Glorious Ones, tradition begins to take hold. Canadiens players and fans alike will now forgo their desires of women and sacrifice their careers of heavy-equipment operation by succumbing to the greatest of hockey traditions: the playoff beard.

For some, however, vast amounts of facial hair can be used as more than satisfaction of a superstition. Indeed, for fans and players like Bryan Smolinski and Andrei Kostitsyn, it might be worth noting that your playoff beard can double as a comb-over!

That's right, be sexy again! Imagine yourself with hair! Vanity Fair could be in your future. You'll notice people all over your city whispering behind your back. Know what they're saying? "I wish I looked one tenth as good as he's looking," that's what.

For example, Alex Kovalev – whose steely gaze and easygoing personality have consistently captivated millions around the globe – has, for the past 12 years, attained the highest possible scores in every known measure of physical, psychological, and spiritual attractiveness. Why? Amazing hair, that's why.

A recent poll conducted by the Rogaine Research Center revealed that 38 percent of women believe hair makes a man look "distinguished," 21 percent think it makes a man look "sharp," and 13 percent believe hair makes a man look "square-jawed and rugged, yet stately and reserved, as one would expect a baron or king to look."

The poll had no statistical margin of error.

Plus, it is a widely known fact that most carbon-based organisms will, over time, succumb to the ravages of cellular decomposition and genetic degradation. But you, with your beard-over, will look as though you have aged like a fine wine.

THE BOLD AND THE BOUNTIFUL

The Glorious Engine of Destruction keeps rumbling on, decimating opponent's ranks like a chain-saw in a ceaser salad. A non-stop influx of young and beautiful Talent to the Only Roster is sowing Fear throughout the league. D'Agostini, the flitting ghoul, smiling in the shadow of S.Richer, has made his name enough.
But until a day ago, the name "Gregory Stewart" sounded like the fast-ball special at Fenway Stadium, something you would take with mustard. The hyphens have come off and the only mustard in sight is in the velocity of his punch to your potato-chewer. The shadow of C.Lemieux looms thusly...
For every who Falls,
Two shall Arise.
The Word has spread to all Divisions, confident or powerless: Be Prepared.
So unplug the cyrogenic chamber and wake up Granpa. Get a coffee down his gullet while his eyes unpeel and then tell him it's 1977. He'll spit. Give him a good smack across the noggin and tell him that the Waves of Red White and Blue Terror are once again booming across the shores of the NHL. 262 goals, Granpa! He'll spit and he'll look....Bob Gainey?......Boston?
And he'll Believe.
His Boys are Back!

MAPLE LEAFS APPARENTLY GIVING IT ANOTHER SHOT

TORONTO - Hockey fans in Toronto and, indeed, across Canada have reported feelings of surprise, amusement, and slight anger after discovering that the Toronto Maple Leafs have announced they have decided to enter a team into next year's NHL season.

"Hey, if our players want to try and go for it one more time, then who am I to stop them?" said MLSE chair, Larry Tanenbaum in a press-conference.

The Maple Leafs have missed the playoffs for the third consecutive year and continue to prove to the hockey world that they are, perhaps, the single worst managed team in the league. Some pundits have equated the MLSE management team to the singular Mike Milbury who single handedly set the New York Islanders back approximately 52 years.

The majority of Canadian media outlets agreed that this was likely going to be the last year in the NHL for the Maple Leafs, opting to quit instead of consistently disappointing their fans.

However, despite the country's reaction, Tanenbaum stood behind his players' decision. "You really have to respect their persistence, going out there like this. It's like they don't care that they're going to lose."

To be safe, Tanenbaum has already booked tee-times for the players for April, 2009.

CBC has already begun work on a 16 hour made-for-TV movie about the courage and wonder that is the Maple Leafs. It is expected to air 104 times during the summer. Don Cherry has already given it his "thumbs up" as perhaps the greatest achievement in TV history.