U.S.S. WASHINGTON HITS PRICEBERG, NO SURVIVORS

President Barack Obama reacts to Capital calamity as the American Coast Guard reports no survivors amidst the wreckage of the U.S.S. Washington. An urgent White House press conference was announced on Saturday morning to address the issue and since your lucky reporter just happened to be in the city to attend a comic book convention, he was able to forge a press-pass in time to see the president take the podium.
“There are patriots who opposed the game in Montreal and there are patriots who supported the game in Montreal. We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to the stars and stripes, all of us defending the United States of America.”
The most powerful destroyer in the Eastern fleet hit a Priceberg last night half a mile near Ville-Marie inlet, capsizing the ship and sending all aboard to a watery grave. Many in the nation’s capital are left to wonder how the most sophisticated weaponry in the League with the most state-of-the-art technology could not get past the Ville-Marie, hardy a threat to Eastern stability. President Obama admitted there may have been some oversight on the matter.
“When we think of the major threats to our national security, the first to come to mind are nuclear proliferation, rogue states and global terrorism. But another kind of threat lurks beyond our shores, one from nature, not human – a Priceberg.”
The president was then hurried off-stage by burly, frowning men in black with the press secretary indicating that the president was headed off to a crisis meeting concerning this development with his advisors and the Chiefs of Staff while the rest of us just stood there not understanding what it all meant.
“We did not expect that, and I can speak authoritatively for the President on this; we thought the waters would part and everything would be easy over the course of our trip to Montreal," said Robert Gibbs, the White House press secretary, “we certainly did not expect to hit a Priceberg, no.”

We were told there would be more updates as events warrant.

INJURIES MOUNT FOR HABS

BOSTON - Here at HabsBros we get the stories that others can't (or possibly just don't bother with). But that's what makes us special. Take for example all the injuries the Canadiens' players have had this year. Other news outlets have all reported the same thing; upper-body, lower-body, out-of-body, etc. But we give you more.

Sure we know the player is injured. Sure we know how long the player is going to be out. But do we really know the whole story?

You may have noticed that Jaroslav Halak was reported as not being 100% before last night's game in Boston. Wow... How vague is that? Well, here's the real scoop my friends:

After a a bit of a crazy night, Halak was checked out by the team doctors (or possibly a drunk hobo, it's hard to tell) after Halak reported a slight tummy-ache. Well, Dr. Hobo checked out Halak's boo-boo and yours truly was able to see the the chart. Here's the disturbing results:

According to Dr. Hobo's assessment, Halak has pacreatitis, hepatitis, bone disease, intestinal parasites, skin cancer, lung cancer, hair cancer, ingrown rib, elbow cancer, herpes, dysentery, broken pelvis, internal bleeding, external bleeding, blood clots, swine flu, spanish flu, kung flu, trench foot, athlete's foot, archer's elbow, cholera, four brain tumors, seven kidney stones, sleep apnea, and heart disease.

Halak was given a couple of Aspirin and is expected to be better by the weekend.

More updates as events warrant.

GIONTA TO WORK FROM HOME TODAY

BOSTON - In a surprising move, the Montreal Canadiens have announced that forward Brian Gionta will be working from home today.

Gionta's recent efforts on the ice in past games and the toll it has taken on him has figured largely in his decision to work from home today. Gionta admitted that when he's at the rink, he can barely spend more than thirty seconds on the ice before someone calls on him to do something or other with passing, shooting, or some other form of playing professional hockey.

"I'm really starting to get overloaded with hockey-related tasks and I actually have a better rink at home than they do over there in Boston," Gionta said in a phone interview I'm totally not making up.

Gionta admitted that he would probably work from home more often if not for Sergei Kostitsyn constantly coming over and asking to play too.

More updates as events warrant.

LEAFS INFORM HABS THEY CAN HEAR COMMENTS FROM OTHER ROOM

MONTREAL — As your humble reporter hid quietly in the laundry hamper amid the sweaty socks and arid jock-straps, he was witness to a most unusual happening.

Toronto Maple Leafs defenceman Luke Schenn walked over to the Montreal Canadiens' locker room and informed a celebrating Habs squad that his team could hear "everything" they were saying about the Leafs' poor performance following their 5-4 overtime loss on Saturday.

"Listen, it's just not very sportsmanlike to call our goalie a 'choke artist' and our entire team 'a bunch of losers,'" Schenn said to the Habs, who fell completely silent when Schenn first entered the room.

"Is this what you guys are about? Kicking a team when they're down?" Schenn continued, "Kind of takes away from all that 'good game' crap we just did on the ice, doesn't it? You should all be ashamed of yourselves."

While Schenn was delivering his speech, the entire Canadiens roster failed to suppress laughter, forcing Schenn to tell them several times that he was serious and didn't know what was so funny.

More updates as events warrant.

RISK AND ETHNIC SLURS, GOMEZ AND KOSTITSYN DUKE IT OUT

An inside source to the festivities taking place September 26th at Scott Gomez’s luxurious, Greco-Roman-styled downtown apartment has revealed to your dedicated reporter that the alleged altercation between the assistant captain and the assistant Kostitsyn stemmed from a dispute that erupted over The Game of Risk. The source affirms that Sergei had given up his rights to Europe and South Africa for Afghanistan and Siberia. With Japan and China secured, and his hold over Yakutsk protected, he knew it would only be a matter of time before he could move Lapierre out of Irkutsk and Moen’s lone colony out of Siam, to which the 3rd-liner probably wouldn’t afford too many reinforcements since the brunt of his forces were in Africa. Then K Junior (pictured right) would have himself all the time in the world to push Gionta out of Ural and consolidate the whole of Asia and thereby collect some major military support.
With such a carefully strategized objective, it is therefore no wonder that he got so upset when, for no apparent reason, Gomez, who had his own fish to fry in North America, decided to cross the North Pacific and invade Kamchatka.
It was madness, the kid shrieked, why throw legions at him when all Latendresse has to do was WALK into Gomez’s Eastern United-States and then just TAKE his Northwest Territory?
To which Gomez responded that it was just a board-game and not to make a big deal out of it. He didn’t care that Gui! took the stupid Northwest Territory, he just wanted to throw a wrench in Junior’s works and watch him squirm.
My source goes on to say that the room then went very cold and a visible black sheen fell over Kostitsyn’s eyes. He proceeded to inform everybody in an eerily chilling voice that his grandfather was born in Kamchatka and he’d be damned to hell before he saw a “such-and-such-monkey-Yank” desecrate that land by even touching its shores.
Gomez suggested the kid take it easy.
Kostitsyn suggested Gomez eat “poop”. He then continued to promise that defending his land was now not enough. My source goes on: “He started to yell out a vow about, I don’t know, taking over Alaska out of principle and making Gomez and all of the Alaskan people slaves because they didn’t deserve any better. It was nuts. And then, he spit on the board! All over Alberta, a big goober right there in the guy’s apartment, in front of everyone! I couldn’t believe it! The kid’s nuts. That’s when Gomez lost it.”
A scuffle ensued and some punches were thrown but with teammates all around, they quickly intervened and separated the two. As of yet, the source in question was not able to say if this supposed altercation was a factor in the decision to send the young whippersnapper down to the AHL nor would he disclose who won the game. There is no doubt however, the source told your reliable reporter, that everyone learned a lot from The Game of Risk that night. More updates with cop's warrant.

CHILDREN CAN'T BRING THEMSELVES TO LOOK AT HABS ANYMORE

MONTREAL, PQ - Local seven-year-old Montreal Canadiens fan, Patricia Bucier revealed today that, try though she might, she simply can't bring herself to idolize the Habs anymore... "I mean, they're great and everything... Well, not anymore, but I guess they're okay now," said the life-long fan of Les Glorieux and The Wiggles.

It looks as though Bucier is not alone in her opinion.

Eight-year-old Robert "Billy" Pierce, sporting his favorite Kovalev jersey for the interview said, "Did anyone else notice [Hal] Gill? I mean, he's big, but he kinda reminds me of that slow kid in our class [artist's rendering on right], you know?" Then he banged his fist on the table (knocking over his Clifford lunchbox) and exclaimed, "For God's sake, I'm f*cking EIGHT and I'M the one noticing this?!?"

Pierre Dubois, nervously twirling his Thomas The Train Engine toy in his hands, admitted that watching his team on TV made his daddy drink and get angry. "But," he said, "Mommy gets me these cool toys after."

Your humble reporter was denied the ability to press for more information when he was escorted from the Carlyle Elementary School building by security.

BOB GAINEY ORDERS MOJO TO GO

Victory in Toronto came at a terrible price as superstar defenseman Andrei Markov was slashed by the Terrible Price in the ubilinian pedaphalangial quintacep tendon, an injury that would necessitate a 4-month healing period. This left your Montreal Canadiens up poop creek without a power play specialist, a zone-exitor extraordinaire, an overall nice guy, or a paddle for the next 81 games of the season and 23 in the playoffs.

The venerable general manager of the team Mr. Bob Gainey was suddenly served his first Crisis entrée like a knock out punch to the chops and he hadn’t even ordered an aperitif yet. Since your trustworthy reporter was cleaning the table, I had the chance to ask him what his next move would be. He remarked “We have young players ready to step up and play a larger role. Ryan O’Byrne comes to mind.”

When Mr. Bob Gainey came in last night, I asked him what his plans were now. He said “Bring me an aperitif and I’ll tell you.”
In all my years as beat reporter for the Beautiful Team, it was always Mr. Bob Gainey who showed the most candour when he showed anything at all. We have heard many colleagues complain that Mr. Bob Gainey never says anything when in fact, he just avoids us any extra work. Our colleagues want to work the same old clichés into their shtick every day, that’s their business. But as you well know, at Habsbros, we don’t work clichés. We get the straight dope.

So when Mr. Bob Gainey had swallowed half his mint julep and ordered Mojo to go, I was naturally taken aback.
“Mojo?”
“To go.”
“What kinda mojo you want?”
“OT-winner mojo.”
And that was it. He paid with a Sergei Kostitsyn, shook the chef’s hand, called a taxi, and headed off to the airport.
More updates as events warrant.