Saturday, July 24, 2010


A pleasant summer to you all from Habsbros. To business: Incensed at not seeing any Kovalchuk acquisitions for the Absolutely Flabbergasting Montreal Canadiens in the last week, your over-zealous reporter sought to get some straight dope from Mr. Bob Gainey’s surrogate on the issue. The first attempt forever involves the time-honoured plan of springing out of some bushes. Since no bushes possessing enough foliage to conceal oneself properly but not enough to scratch one’s delicate epidermis were to be found in any strategic vicinity of satisfactory springing towards said target, that plan was scrapped, and the consecrated-by-tradition one of breaking into the third sublevel of the Bell Centre’s east wing basement to jimmy the phone-transcript file-cabinet drawer was put into motion instead. And we struck gold.
The Montreal Canadiens have talked to Kovalchuk.
(SAT. JUL. 10.10)
-“Is this Ilya?”
-“Who is dis?”
-“This is Pierre Gauthier.”
-“Pierre Gauthier of the Montreal Canadiens.”
-“Ah, yes. Montreal. Hockey City.”
-“That’s right! Yes.”
-“Old men in Ruskova love Montreal. Big pride for that city.”
-“That’s right. Tradition. We have a bond with Russia.”
-“I am not old man.”
-“Uh, well, no, but that doesn’t mean…
-“How much?”
-“We were thinking 50 million for …”
-“What the..? That mutha-fu..!”
(Connection terminated)
Any normal team would have folded their tents and packed it in right then and there. But not your Supernormal Montreal Canadiens, dear readers, no sir, not them. The thing about champions, you see, is that they make friends wherever they go. A quid pro quo here and a tit for tat there amongst friends in high enough places and you can shift the North Pole six inches to the left if you’ve a mind to it. Well, the Habs' friends are as high as a kite. Umm...err…well, yes, moving on.
(TUE. JUL. 20.10)
-“Who is dis?”
-“Pierre Gauthier.”
-“Pierre Gauthier! Of the Montreal Canadiens, for cryin out loud!”
-“Ah, yes. Montreal. Where they make the best jokes. Very funny in Montreal.”
-“Did you find it funny when we got your deal nixed?”
“I asked you if you found it funny when we got your deal with Jersey shot down.”
-“You did not do that.”
-“We didn’t? Oh, ok. Well, maybe you should think about that anyway, you know, about what the Montreal Canadiens can or can’t do being in the League for a hundred years and everything. Or maybe our friend Dmitriy can help explain it to you.”
-“Would you like that? Call Mr. President on conference? Talk about the Markov thing maybe? Wanna do that?”
-“Oh? No? So I guess I don’t need to explain it then? I got your attention now, ya Ivan bastich?”
-“Good. We have a deal you might like. If you could just hear me out for a friggin second.”
-“Yes, I hear you with pleasure.”
-“Ok, I want you to listen to me.
-“I listen.”
-“Two-year deal.”
-“Fifty million dol…
(Connection terminated)
These have been the extent of the talks between the Crafty Montreal Canadiens and the would-be superstar so far, but already, we can see that some progress is being made and that Mr. Bob Gainey’s avatar isn’t afraid to go after some big fish. With a little slack here, a little wiggle-room there and a final sudden yank, that big juicy Russian tuna could flop right into the boat and dump its caviar all over the deck at a moment's notice.
Yummmm, Russian caviar...any minute now.
More straight dope as summer warrants.