Thursday, November 25, 2010


The question facing the greatest team in the history of the world at the start of the 2010-2011 NHL season was whether last year’s success was the result of coordinating lucky breaks and ephemeral flashes of brilliance or if they were really that good. Now towering over the North-East Division like the lords of all creation, the answer seems unimportant, because the REAL question is: who can stop them? Who can face them and survive the humiliation? Who is left that dares to stand against your Invincible Montreal Canadiens? Is this it? Is this the best this League has to offer? Well, it’s nice, but…where’s the beef? Because from where we're standing, it looks like the Habs have run out of opposition.
The proclaimed “best team in the East”, the Cappers have YET to show themselves, still applying cream to their red faces after being smacked around last time they played the bleu-blanc-rouge. The Detroit City Wings have grudgingly accepted to host the Beautiful Team next month but only if they’re spotted a two-goal lead. The Blackhawkers? Stanley Cup champs? Cowering in the West, they steadfastly refuse to accept the challenge. It was only after threat of relocation from the League’s commissioner at the last second that a game between both clubs was squeezed into the final week of the regular season. Some “champs”, pff. Where’s the beef?
Pittsburgher, Couver, Beantown, Philly, and Los Angleeze however, have all been ground into chicken fodder and spread on a sandwich. They folded easier than a ten-dollar bill jammed in a pole-dancer's panties. They were run through like a LAW rocket shot at some jell-o and swatted aside as if they weren't even there. Pathetic. Honestly, where’s the beef?
Now, complacency threatens to rear its ugly head if the club becomes devoid of worthwhile opposition. Montreal scouts have been sent far and wide to unearth a team, any team, who can go three 20-minute rounds against the Tricolore but the first reports sent back indicate this may have been an entreprise easier envisioned than accomplished. It will be up to the team to play through the adversity generated by the level of skill the weaklings they play against have to offer and still maintain their own superior level of play regardless, because it looks very likely that with no one left to stop them, they may very well run the table, and what kind of fun is that? Someone should be watching the store, no? Where’s the BEEF?
Where is the pride in this League? Where’s the sense of Duty? Is everyone going to just stand there and let your Commanding Montreal Canadiens just lay down the law like an 8-year-old in a kindergarten class? Who can stop them? The 1972 Soviets? The United States Army? Mike Ditka?
Everyone likes to win, sure, but how about making it a little interesting?
Where’s the BEEF, dammit?!! More updates when irrelevant rants warrant.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


BROSSARD - During a post-practice interview yesterday at the Canadiens' facility in Brossard Quebec, team captain Brian Gionta said (off the record) that fans of the team are "taking this whole hockey thing way too seriously."

This reporter was surprised to hear such a bold statement from such a prominent and important figure on this, the Greatest Team in the History of the World. In search of more, your eager journalist asked Gionta for an opinion on an article posted on this site regarding Lars Eller.

After several minutes and through helping the Captain with a few words (as is always required with one of Ericson's submissions), a laugh was shared and "cold ones" were cracked.

"Look," started Gionta, "the fans have their opinions and even go so far as picking and choosing which of the players should play together, and then try to match them up against opponents so that they are at a disadvantage. Apparently, they really get into that.

"I mean, whatever happened to going out there and having a little bit of fun on the ice? Fans of this team are tight-asses, I tell you. Wasn't like this in Jersey..."

Such a candid conversation with such a great individual left this blogger with the reaffirmation that the traditionally "offensive" material on this site is due both to something called "free speech" and to "really not giving a shit."

Friday, November 12, 2010


Your Majestic Montreal Canadiens are dominating the North-East Division, sending their opposition into panic-stricken, closed-door, war-room conferences in an effort to determine how in Lord Jebus’ holy name to counter such supreme awesomeness and from what spring of superior hockeyness doth it emanate. Obviously, those efforts have failed, for your Royal Montreal Canadiens are still right where they should be, at el numero uno, but the reason those efforts have failed is because everyone is looking everywhere except where they should, that is, at the sneaky Dane, Lars Eller, the fantastic return on the Jaroslav Halak trade to St. Louie.
Such was the spiel your impressionable reporter gobbled with glee when he had occasion to meet the team’s head coach at the home-based daycare operators strike taking place in Sainte-Julie. Proudly hoisting a placard with the words “We want more money for takin care’o’kids all day long! We’re sick’o’the kids!”, Jack Marty agreed to share his thoughts.
“I’m sick of the kids!”
-Can we talk hockey, coach?
“Hit me.”
-Is the team contemplating sending Lars Eller down to Hamilton?
“What? Why would we do that? He’s doing such a great job. A good player who’s helping the club. Making a big splash with us.”
-Cannonball or poop dropping in toilet splash?
-So do you consider to have gotten good trade value in the…
“Yes, I do. We are still surprised that St. Louie would part with him.”
-Are you surprised then that he’s not producing?
“He IS producing. It’s just the League hasn’t properly looked at the tape where he touches the puck a little before we score but it’s quick and you can hardly see it. We’ve actually sent a letter to the home office about it and we’re still waiting for a response so I can’t really say more about it until that’s settled with the League, so don’t ask me anymore questions about that, please.”
-Why is he only playing 5 minutes a game? Don’t you think he would develop better if he saw more time on ice and began to gain experience, good or bad, against this calibre of play?
“Well, we can’t play him more because if we did, the games would end much too lopsidedly and we don’t want to embarrass the other clubs or have the games degenerate into brawls because that’s what would happen. We’re biding our time over here. The kid is so good, he would paint a target on his back and we feel it’s too early in the season for that. He’s doing just enough now that we win, yet he remains in the shadows, so to speak, so that when it’s all on the line, we then can take the leash off of Lars Eller for real and let him go at it. He’s our ace up our sleeve…
-And nobody knows it! , your blurting reporter realized.
Jack Marty nodded his head solemnly, then put a finger on his the tip of his nose.
“Nobody. Has. A clue.”
-Nobody sees it!
“Nobody even THINKS about it.”
-Nobody CONSIDERS it.
“How can they if it’s so well hidden?
-That is a. Mazing!
“All part of the plan.”
-You sneaky bastards!
"It's what we do."
-So Eller is great?
“Eller is friggin fantastic.”
-And he’s the reason we’re winning?
“Well, we’re winning, aren’t we?”
-And Lars will take a prominent role some day?
“He’s gonna hog the limelight like a pig on Broadway. Just you watch.”
-And St. Louie…
“Will be crying in their soup like bitches. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m here to support these wonderful ladies. See you later.”
Your inspired reporter couldn’t help but laugh heartily because today was a beautiful day and your All-Singing, All-Dancing Montreal Canadiens had it aaaaaall worked out. Every angle, every perspective, every direction, all foreseen and all accounted for; even the wild card, a fabulously talented Dane dissimulated under the guise of an utterly useless shlub in order to escape the opposition’s gaze. But soon, they will all tremble at his might and once again be forced to give reverence to the greatest team in the history of the world for their wisdom as well as their powerhouse performers.
More updates when vindication warrants.

Monday, November 8, 2010


Extract from Toronto Sun

The former "Greatest Team in the World" has lost its stronghold. The mindless slaves and zombies are returning to the reality that is a below average team. The Canadiens are being brought to their knees.

Frank Wilder, scientist and hockey enthusiast, entered the Bell Center on Saturday night to witness the team's latest loss. He braved the storm that was the anger and frustration of the "faithful" that had suddenly lost faith. He was determined to reach the bottom of this.

Pierre Gautier, GM of the Montreal Canadiens could not be reached for comment at press time, so Wilder was forced to speak to other prominent figures from within the media. Most notably, "The Habs Man" from the great HabsBros blog.

Wilder asked if The Habs Man had lost his faith in the Canadiens.

"Okay, so I have, alright?" he responded. "I've betrayed the human race by voluntarily giving up my belief in this team. I mean, how many times do I have to say I'm sorry before I'm forgiven? Fifty? A hundred? A thousand? Tell me!"

"Let's start with once," came a reply from the crowd. "Once would be a good start."

Extract from Montreal Gazette


Point - Everything is fine! Pierre Gautier says everything is totally fine, and I have no reason to think otherwise. Anyone who doesn't think everything is totally fine has a screw loose. Everything is totally fine.

Counter Point - Fine? Try awesome! Things aren't just fine! They're totally awesome! Saying thins are just fine is crazy, when things are as awesome as they are! Things are just plain awesome!