RDS TO TRY BROADCASTING GAME FROM YVAN PEDNAULT'S POINT OF VIEW

MONTREAL - With Pierre Houde taking a "grooming day," RDS has announced that it will attempt an alternative method of covering Friday night's match between the Montreal Canadiens and the Buffalo Sabres. The game will be broadcast entirely from the perspective of colour man, Yvan Pednault.

It is unclear from RDS if this experiment will be a one-time only occurance, or if there will be several "Yvan PednaultVision" attempts.

Fans are "intrigued but not overly enthusiastic" about the idea of Yvan getting side-tracked from in-game events to talk about other sports, family, or just his socks. Some fans are worried about the dead-air that could arise from Pednault's frequent stares into nothingness. Old ladies and children are already trembling at the thought of the creepy smile he oft-gives to the camera.

However, one thing is for certain: with Pednault watching, almost everyone on the ice will be scorned for at least one mauvaise jeu.

PRICEBERG BREAKS FREE; HUET TRADED FOR PANCAKES

If ever there was any doubt, Bob Gainey has dissipated them. An impact player was wanted at the trade deadline and while many thought Hossa might don the Tricolore, the GM bamboozles the NHL planet by once again pulling a rabbit out of his hat. The hat is Hamilton. The rabbit is Grabovski. Eastern conference stunned at Bob's moxy, spunk and wherewithal.
Cristobal Huet sent to Washington for 9-week supply of Aunt Jemimah's Super Fluffy Cakes and a second-round pick for 2009. "We needed to address a lack in our dressing-room", says Bob, "We had an excellent offensive player, an 8-cylinder player, playing on only 6 cylinders. We knew how to motivate him, but we had run out of pancakes. Unfortunately, we had to pay a high price to get another supply and Washington saw that oppurtunity to dangle their spring-time fresh, oh so delicious, stuffy, fluffy, super-pancakes. They wanted Huet. It was a difficult choice for this organization but we decided, I decided, that we needed this player's commitment to the team had to be reinforced and the only way to do that was to have more pancakes. Once that promise was made from this organization to him, well, he scored 4 goals in 3 games, so we're on the right track."
The Priceberg takes number 1 duties. His era is now a sterling 1-0-0. Jaroslav Halak on being called up, "I'm really happy to be back, obviously, but with the Priceberg playing perfectly in his era, I just hope I can see the net this year!"
More updates as events warrant.

CANADIENS RETIRE BOB GAINEY, IN AGOOD WAY.

Expect to see the Bleu-Blanc-Rouge pull out all the stops tonight as Montreal celebrates and honors the accomplishments of Bob Gainey. A sell-out crowd is awaited at the Bell Center tonight in what will only be later described as an extraordinary extravaganza of excellence.

Tune in to CBC on Saturday night and prepare to witness a love-fest, the likes of which this world has never witnessed.Why we're going to be there tonight? Because tonight is about Bob Gainey. Tonight is about what Bob Gainey has done for the Montreal Canadiens. Tonight is about why Bob Gainey is seeing his banner lifted. One man. One reason.

Alexei Ibrahamovich Kovaliov.Thank you, Bob. And God bless. Enjoy your night.

Also, Bob Gainey once played for the Canadiens, so they even have a number he wore.

CANADIENS WORKING ON TRADE FOR LeBRON JAMES

MONTREAL - With the trade deadline looming, Canadiens GM Bob Gainey has kept his cards close to his chest saying only that his intent is to try to land an "impact player." However, sources close to Gainey have indicated that the Canadiens are "very close" to completing a trade that would bring LeBron James to Montreal.

In return, the Cleveland Cavaliers would receive season tickets, the Gazette's Pat Hickey and a life-size poster of Michael Ryder.

James' name has surfaced numerous times in Internet trade rumours, however, never has it been stated that he would change cities, teams and even sport.

The trade might prove to be a risky move for the Canadiens as it is unclear at this point if James will learn to skate in time for the playoffs.

Priceberg named 3rd star of the week in NHL

Four tumultuous games after his recall, Le Priceberg is now wallowing in controversy. A goalie controversy, that is. NHL adds fuel to the fire by naming the upstart 3rd star of the week.
Carbonneau is frantically managing this crisis by forcing his team to don skates and make their way around the icey Bell Center Rink. "I'm trying to get their minds away from this controversy and back to the game." could have possibly said the coach through an anonymous tip.
When confronted on this, both Huet and Price denied that their relationship was anything but supportive and encouraging. Lies. Controversy! So ascertains your objective reporter.
Here come the Rangers, resolved to avenge their goofy orange buddies, who were so ignomin-ignomon-igmini-badly swept in the regular season by the Glorious Ones, by possibly sweeping us in turn. Run-ons ensue as tensions rise.
Reached for comment before hopping on the ice, Yammy Yager was made available to your reluctant reporter.
"First off, two things." Yammy said. "Your fly's undone and do you know if Komisarek is playing tonight?"
Ooooh. Oh, he's playing. And he's coming after you, Jags. Be prepared.
Zzzip.

BRISEBOIS BRINGS VIGILANTE JUSTICE TO LOCKER ROOM

MONTREAL - After a string of unsolved rat-tailings in the locker room, Montreal Canadiens players are appluading over-zealous and often benched Patrice Brisebois who has taken it upon himself to guard the poor, unprotected and naked asses of his fellow team-mates with extreme prejudice.

When interviewed, Brisebois quoted, "if the coaching staff is turning a blind eye to this, then it's up to me to stop this scum."

Many players withdrew their approval of Brisebois' actions after two unnamed players failed to comply to his new rule and were caught walking around the locker room wearing towels after a post-game shower last week and were found brutally peanut-buttered.

KOMISAREK INDUCTED INTO DORITOS HALL OF FAME

Montreal - Montreal Canadiens defenceman Mike Komisarek was inducted to the Doritos Hall of Fame on Monday after eating 3 bags of the cheesy snack in one sitting. The induction was carried out in a lavish ceremony held in Montreal's Bialik High School‎ gymnasium.

Honored for his commitment to Doritos Taco chips, Komisarek was excited to meet other taco legends such as Bill Cosby, Kevin James, Ryan Secrest and Alf.

Through tears of joy, Komisarek accepted the Golden Chip and spoke to the 27 fans in attendence, "When I ate those Doritos last week, I never imagined I'd wind up here."

Komisarek is expected to eat another bag later this month.