Saturday, April 24, 2010


ow did Michelangelo convey the plight of men and gods in the Sistine Chapel? How did Mozart put forth such passion whilst but flittering on ivory keys? How did Einstein display the poise and character necessary to present his Theory of Relativity? Very simply, these great men said to themselves “What would the Montreal Canadiens do?” and acted in consequence.
It at first seemed that the Beautiful Team’s initial Game 1 victory in Washington was enough to satisfy their ambition in these playoffs. They all agreed that winning one of the first two games on the road was of capital importance (do not pardon the pun; it was completely intentional). They accomplished that mission. Cheers all around. And then they stopped playing. Having just recently realized that, hey, wait a minute, this could be their last game of the season, your Utterly Fantastic Montreal Canadiens then came out and shut the Cappers down in their own building.
Habsbros decided to get some straight dope and sent your uncomfortable reporter to accost the is-he-or-isn’t-he captain on the matter in the bathroom cabinet of Transat Flight 302 Dulles-Dorval. He didn’t even flinch.
- What gives, Brian?
“We just came out and laid it all on the line.”
- Motivation?
“All of it, you know, if it was going to be our last game, we were gonna give it all we had and it’s with that mentality that I hope, you know, we can go forward that way for the next game.”
- And you avoided a spanking.
“No one wants a spanking on this team fersure. I’m not saying a guy or two here couldn’t use one (coughs) but nobody wants one, no. Fersure.”
- What was the main factor in your success during Game 5?
“Besides Halak, you mean?”
- Yeah.
“Definitely shooting the puck. We talked about in the room and, you know, guys sometimes don’t want to shoot the puck, but it’s when you shoot the puck that, you know, you create chances and bounces and things happen and you can get a goal out of it more often than not sometimes. So definitely to shoot the puck. We think we can have success with that for the next game too.”
- What was your reaction to the coach replacing your line-mate Benny Poolio with Travis Moen?
“Well, it was the coach’s decision and as a player, you just have to go along with it and keep doing your job. Obviously, Benny’s been struggling a bit lately and sometimes a shake-up is good for guys.
- What is it Benny needs right now?
“I’m not a specialist or a coach or anything so I couldn’t really answer that.”
- But you’ve got an idea.
“Yeah, I got an idea. But again, I’m no expert. Let’s move on.”
- How do you compete against guys who are all on the juice? Don’t you find that unfair?
“Well, that hasn’t been proven that, you know, they took anything. It was just…you know, proven that they lied about having it investigated. But as far as competing against a team that’s jacked up on steroids, to tell you the truth, we kinda enjoy the challenge. It’ll make beating them even more fun.”
- You’re the best, Brian, got everything I need, thanks a lot.
“My pleasure. I’m done too. Would you mind wiping? Don’t have much room with you in the way. Thanks. Yyyyyeah. Right there, yeah. Thanks.”
One way or the other, Habsbros always gets the scoop…blechh!
More updates once we wash our hands.

Friday, April 23, 2010


WASHINGTON - Cloning has been in the news a lot over the last few years. Some people appear to be upset by the very idea. Your learned reporter, on the other hand, is excited by the prospects. Here is the explanation...

In today's world, whenever a mad scientist clones a sheep, a monkey or a Country singer, all the protesters and Palin supporters come out of the woodworks to bitch and moan about the inevitable zombie apocalypse that awaits us if we tamper in "God's domain".

Well I say: fuck 'em. The sooner we screw around with God's creations, the better. Your fatidic ink slinger's greatest fear is of course that he will die before he can see a world populated by bizarre, mutated products of the warped human mind. And that is why the Habs should get a cloned Ovechkin.

An OvechiClone.

People who know your debauched columnist personally may well suspect that the only purpose for getting an OvechiClone would be to have sex with it. And while that's normally a pretty good guess, if there was a choice of anything that one could clone for the purposes of moral depravity, it would NOT be Ovechkin, it would, of course, be yours truly.

No, the Habs need an OvechiClone because the Habs suck. People deserve to live in a world where children and puppies can see hockey as it was meant to be; fun, fast, and totally dominated by The Beautiful Team.

Sure, there might be side effects. Maybe the Habs trainers have to occasionally comb bits of OvechiClone waste out of the "creature's" matted fur. But that seems a small price to pay for global happiness, doesn't it?

And, when The Faithful grow tired of the OvechiClone, Kirk Muller can just put it in the trunk, drive up to Northern Quebec, and leave it on the side of the road. It could run into the woods, frolic, and find its own people and eat squirrels or whatever.

In your unostentatious correspondent's opinion, people who oppose cloning just don't love the Habs as much as they should.

More updates as science progresses.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


MONTREAL - Anticipation for Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Quarter Finals between Montreal and Washington has reached a fever pitch since rumours surfaced that Canadiens forward Scott Gomez will punch Capitals forward Alexander Ovechkin in the face.

"We haven't seen excitement like this for a hockey game in a long time," said fellow correspondent Bill Mader. "Ovechkin is a guy who preys on goalies' emotions, is missing a tooth, and has a tremendous amount of money. Really, don't you want to punch him in the face?"

Whether it's true or not, the idea that Ovechkin may get badly hurt has captured the imagination of The Faithful, and win or lose, that's something most fans are willing to pay big bucks to see.

When chasing down how the rumour was started, your disquisitive reporter discovered that a trustworthy internet "Tweeter" (whatever that means) found and released a document showing that Gomez had booked a room in a local area hospital for one "Douchebag J. Ovechkin" for Wednesday night where he is expected to be recovering from "multiple blows to the face."

Once this was released to the public, Habs fans immediately began asking just how hard Gomez intends to roundhouse punch Ovechkin in the schnoz. Will he lose any more teeth? Was the choice of hospital such that he will receive poor medical care and come down with some disease that will cause him to writhe in pain for hours?

The news has resulted in fans pouring out theories of just how exactly this is all going to "go down." One fan suggested that Gomez will skate past the Capitals' bench and throw a haymaker at Ovechkin as nonchalantly as possible. Another posited that Gomez will make small talk during a faceoff and just as he is in the middle of commenting about how awesome Ovechkin is, he'll paste a bell-ringer square into Ovechkin's proboscis.

When reached for comment, Ovechkin was curiously demented. "It's great that everyone is thinking about me. I love the provender that the media brings to my noumenon."

Seriously, what does that even mean?

Gomez has not confirmed or denied the rumours at this point, though the Canadiens brass are trying to build on this hype and are marketing the game as the "Cold War". Get it? Because one is an American, and the other is an asshole?

Before NHL officials remedied the situation, the Canadiens Web site had also deployed a Flash game in which players were encouraged to beat a likeness of Ovechkin with a bat, a car, or another Ovechkin.

Another rumour going around has indicated that if the Canadiens can get to Game 6, Sergei Kostitsyn will light Ovechkin on fire.

More updates as events warrant.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Your Sensational Montreal Canadiens have accidentally backed into the cradle of world politics on their voyage towards Lord Stanley’s Cup. Due to this unfortunate setback, they will now have to remain in Capital City for the next three days and acquit themselves of the fine imposed, which is to win one out of two games against the city’s rinky-dink, still-wet-behind-the-ears, Pee-wee B, 4th division hockey club, the Capitals. While this may not seem to pose any kind of problem at first, it should be known that in Capital City, not only are monies moved and favours curried like anywhere else in the world, but over here, it’s done more quickly. Seats of Power are a slap-shot away from their arena and if you got the bling, you can talk to the king (pictured right) within five minutes.
We have seen with our own eyes the influence these decisions have over the outcome of that nation’s capital’s games during the regular season and the production of some of their players. If it wasn’t for King Obama, do you really think Ovechkin would have scored so many goals? Please. You can pull the wool over the eyes of most news services, but you can’t slip political influence past Habsbros, not with them dealing the straight dope, you just can’t.
With that in mind, that is, well aware that they have no friends in the Senate, your Cunning Montreal Canadiens have devised the devious and deadly dénouement definitely destined to dash these disrespectful, diaper-wearing debutantes’ best laid plans: the psychological card. It is in the great book “Art of War” that military tactician Sun Tzu says in Chapter 16, 8th column, paragraph 3, line 4, “Thou shalt get into buddy’s head and play goofy with his brain what good, thus screwing up his mojo so he can’t do nuthin cuz he’s so pissed at ya.” Ok? That ain’t no clown off the street, dear readers; that’s Sun Tzu. So hearken.
Tomas Plekanec fired the first salvo when he implied that Jose “The Hair” Theodore was neither Ryan Miller nor Martin Brodeur. … Ooooooooo. The fox couldn’t have gotten freer in the chicken-coop right from the get-go. Complete pandemonium. The coach, Bruce Boudreau began practicing his blubbering. (To be fair though, he’s getting pretty good at it.) He defended his goaltender by saying he preferred Theo's record in 2010 over Miller’s and Brodeur’s. This defence was immediately and purposefully taken out of context, shaken up, twisted up, spiced up like McCain fries, and re-served to the populace with a brand-spanking new meaning: that Boudreau preferred Theodore to Montreal’s young goalie tandem.
Before Boudreau had the time to show off his innovative blustering techniques to rectify this misquote (in his defence, they’re pretty good), he was asked why Ovechkin had injured Theo in practice and if it was maybe his way of trying to get the goalie out of the game because he doesn’t trust him to be able to hold the fort, even though it was well known that it was actually Steckel who had accidentally hit Theo with an errant shot.
This caused coach Bruce Boudreau to snap. Raving about “created controversies” and “it wasn’t him; it was him” and “don’t make sh*te up”, he let loose a tirade not often seen in a professional league and, to tell you the truth, we were all at a little loss. But the reason he reacted this way quickly became evident. Boudreau is using the “focus the attention on the coach, not on the team” technique to protect his goaltender and is whining like an insulted teenager in order to attract mock sympathy towards himself for being misquoted, yet curiously, not towards Theo for being untrustworthy (which, to give credit where it’s due, he does with brio).
He does this because it’s obvious he doesn’t trust his goalie either.
Now their coach and goaltender are shattered before the first game’s even started. Knowing that we still have the “Capital trainer/doctor with the steroids” story up our sleeve, the psychological war is truly underway and the opening volley from the Beautiful Team has been a stunning success. This gives your Confident Montreal Canadiens the strength to walk out of Capital City with their heads held high and half the King’s bling.
More cred as events warrant.

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Thursday, April 8, 2010


Your hand-wringing Montreal Canadiens are at it again. Building the drama. Setting the stage for another heart-rending, emotion baring, police-coming-to-your-house charge to the finish line. One point is all The Beautiful Team needs and two games left to pick it up in to secure their playoff berth. But we’ve heard that one before, haven’t we? So what’s to stop this whole thing ending in tears this time around too, you ask? That’s a good question. A very good question. Guess we should answer it then.
It is the fear. The fear that unites us all. The fear that binds us and drives us and guides us and defines us. The fear to suck. Like another team we won’t mention for example. Give you a hint, it’s the only “organization” that can’t even spell its own name right.
See, the Fabulous Montreal Canadiens’s lustre has certainly dimmed in the last 15 years, but they haven’t sucked. Like another team we won’t even take a moment to allude to, but whose last Yearly Plan, it should be noted, consisted in finishing last and trading away its first pick. That was their plan. That was the Concept drawn around the conference table at the Head Governors and Decision-Takers’ Meeting at the beginning of the year. That’s what they decided to do. The horror of being a team like that? Too much for Montreal. So it is with that fear that the greatest team in the history of the world finds the courage and the motivation to soldier on.
And because the Boys have not sucked and just managed to squeeze into the “marginal team” boat, even though we all know that over the years, the other “marginal teams” seem to have beaten the hell out of them more often than not, the Cagey Montreal Canadiens have been able to fly under the radar and avoid undue critiques.
Now, a lot of things can happen under the radar. You can lose the stick and crash into the waves or break the ceiling and go for the destroyer, but one or the other, sooner or later, you know you’re going to have to face the fear. … Unlike another team we won’t mention who never has had to deal with that since last time they went to the playoffs, it was during the lock-out.
In these last two games, your Plucky Montreal Canadiens will be faced with the fear. Manifest fear in the form of the totally disgusting and icky Carolina Caners and the contemptuous shames to hockey, the Toranna leafers. The two rattiest mojo-carrying anti-Hab-spray teams in the League. Yuck! Ptui! Forcing us to beat one or the other of these two rattiest teams in the League to secure our playoff berth will put your Nervous Montreal Canadiens’ character to the ultimate test. There is no doubt about it: it is indeed the final test of the season. The test of fear. Under the radar or attack the destroyer-time.
“Pilot to bombardier! Pilot to bombardier! Strafing left to avoid flak! Drop Daisy-Cutters! Drop Daisy-Cutters! Pilot to bombardier! Brace for fire on second run!”
More updates or death.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


Whiteout hits the most beautiful city in the world, as your Favourite Team refuses to let opponents score. No polite letters requesting permission, no subpoenas from the Supreme Court of Canada and no American ultimatums threatening military invasion uttered by President Obama himself have budged the Montreal Canadiens’ intransigence on the matter. They are narrow-mindedly stubborn to the point of obstinacy, you could say. Read our lips: No more goals allowed.
“It’s just, you know, not something we’re interested in right now;” said the erstwhile apple in the Apple’s eye Scottie Gomer “we just don’t wanna let people score, that’s all. I mean, we appreciate the letters, the letters are nice, but uhh, thanks but no thanks, you know?”
“Could someone please inform Mr. Lawrence Cannon that though I appreciate the promises of immunity, I am not a Canadian national and therefore do not have to appear in front of the Commission to Force Me to Let One In, and that if he doesn’t get off my lawn, I’m calling the police. Thank you.” was all the number one goaltender would say.
“Oh, it was great meeting the president. I’m really a big fan” said Your Man Gorges, “I shook his hand, everything. And then he’s like, ‘cease and desist’ and ‘binding resolution’ or whatever and ‘unilateral operation’ or something and really, he’s a funny guy. He doesn’t look it but he’s a funny guy. I was laughing the whole time.”
“That’s what happens when your cocks of the walk, definitely;” Coach Jack Marty told your gregarious reporter “you get decide what you want to do in the game and also how you work together as a team to do it. We’re a club that sometimes gives up more shots than we would like but who limits the scoring opportunities. If we look at the Flyer game for example, some say that we were totally outplayed and that we didn’t even touch the puck in the 3rd, but they only had 5 scoring opportunities. The mental challenge at that point is to be able to refuse to let the opponent score. And that’s what we did as a team…walked like cocks and blocked lotsa shots.”
And presumably, that’s what they’ll do as a team on Long Island where they intend to bring the whiteout with them to beset its poor citizens with the worst Hab Storm in 61 years.
Headed by a cold front from Slovakia…but let’s not start that again.
White on, baby.
More updates as events warrant.

Thursday, April 1, 2010


LONDON - It is perhaps the worst-kept secret on the Canadiens roster, but our man Sergei Kostitsyn is not a man at all, but rather, a boy. A boy in need of maturing. And who better to mature a young boy then yours truly?

That may have come out wrong.

As a carded member of the male sex, this journalist has frequently been granted access to female units. Being gifted in the art of song, dance, and swollen pantaloons, that ingress has always been easily lubricated. And it is with that admittance that this "playa" will help that poor boy.

Your humble libertine caught up with Sergei this morning and let him know that he was to have a date with an acquaintance of the opposite sex this evening after practice.

It was an excited Sergei that came back into the dressing room this afternoon. Too excited, thought your philandering reporter. Action needed to be taken.

- Sergei, you're a bit wired. You need to settle down, buddy.

- But I excited. I like gurls. They soft.

- Sergei, I'm worried this won't turn out very well for you. Let's work something out together to calm you down, okay?

- Will they be boobs?

- I may have not thought this out as well as I should have. Okay. Listen. Your date is at 7:00pm. What do you plan to do before then to get ready?

- I try to remember where I left lucky socks?

- That's good! Excellent! What else?

- I blog about being nervous and Tweet what I do?

- Well, I suppose if that helps, but I-

- I choose baby names! Yes?

- Okay, I don't think-

- I take off pants and sacrifice small puppy and eat organs with raw fish sticks and jelly bean while listening to Micheal Buble and chanting 'dontscrewthisup' over and over until Oprah comes on, yes?

- What? I-

- Yes! I have it! I go practice with "pro"!

- Sergei, I... Sergei? Hey! Where are you go... Well, this'll go well...

More updates as bail gets posted