Friday, March 28, 2008


After the ap-down-slay in the Saguenay, the Canadian government will announce today a ban on fighting in junior hockey. Goons, gorillas, hackers, smackers, grinders, blinders, policemen and plumbers shocked.
Remarks ranged from "Heck do we do now?!" to "What kind of candy-butt government would do something like that?" and concluding with "Do they know anything about hockey?".
Gilles Courteau, administrator of the LHJMQ isn't too pleased about it either. "Hey, as long as you promise me that this is off the record, personally, I am totally against this. Brawls get the folks in the arena; ain't gonna lie to ya. But you gotta beef? You talk to Roy and that monkey kid of his. He's the one what ruined it for everybody, you know? So now, I gotta act responsible and holier than thou, you understand? I gotta pretend that I'm for this thing when in fact, it's stickin' in my craw like you wouldn't believe. Everywhere I go, it's always been Roy, Roy, Roy, like a god***n bane on my existence. I hate him so much. Ugh...Off the record, right?"
Of course.
No more fighting in junior hockey.
Maybe those kids'll get drafted now.
What's a craw?

Thursday, March 27, 2008


TORONTO - Summer is just around the corner, and that means it's almost time to go outside in the grass and sunshine and have fun with your family in the great outdoors. But for the NHL, blistering heat and sunlight means the playoffs have arrived!

With that in mind, the NHL has released a bullet-point set of tips to help you enjoy the playoffs:

Special Note: If your team was unable to qualify for the playoffs and neither CBC or TSN was able to buy your way in (that means you, Toronto), you have little chance of having a fulfilling summer.

  • For those of you that will attend a playoff game, keep in mind that, though not generally known, beer and popcorn vendors are pitted against each other in a fierce turf war. Avoid getting caught in the crossfire.

  • Beer sold by the aforementioned vendors may be unsafe to drink. As an alternative: imagine how cool you would look downing a grape-flavoured Crush with no shirt on!

  • Under no circumstances should you let your wife or girlfriend stay at home with that guy from her yoga class while you go out to the pub to watch the game. Trust me on this one.

  • Waking up the next morning feeling groggy with a sore anus is a perfectly normal experience after "celebrating" a particularly good game of hockey at the pub.

  • If your team is losing and you're looking for something fun to do, have a beer every time a CBC announcer mis-pronounces a non-Maple Leaf player's name. If you don't end up in the hospital getting your stomach pumped, you're not listening hard enough.

  • No matter how much you suck in your gut, the cute bartender chick ain't gonna sleep with ya.

  • If you're attending a game, remember that no matter what people tell you, do not strip off your clothes and jump onto the ice. Humiliation, arrest and shrinkage may result.

  • Instead of a hockey jersey and ball-cap, try wearing women's makeup and a feather boa to the game or pub. This will enable you to enjoy the game in a whole new way.

  • When facing Don Cherry, be sure to wear garlic and carry a cross. In cases of extreme emergency chant the words, "Bobby Orr would've looked great in a Toronto uniform."

  • A good rule of thumb regarding hockey-game etiquette is that if a goal is scored by your team, you should stand up, cheer, and hug the person beside you. It's not gay if you initiate.

  • Canada's pubs are home to many magnificent forms of indigenous females. Be sure to bring a rifle with plenty of stopping power.

  • To best enjoy the playoffs, attempt to speak the word, "Go," followed by the word, "Habs," and then "Go" again. After a brief pause, repeat the three words again. After repeating this action thousands of times, you will almost certainly be having the time of your life. (Results may vary.)
  • Tuesday, March 25, 2008


    MONTREAL - After Monday night's dominating 2-period performance against their arch-rival, the Ottawa Senators, the Montreal Canadiens have clinched a playoff spot with more than 1 game remaining for the first time in [probably] 37 years. As a result, in a stunning reversal of conventional wisdom and policy, GM Bob Gainey announced that, for the duration of the '07-'08 season, failure is now an option.

    Gainey spoke to the media in a post-game press conference, "we are proud to revoke failure's non-optional status, effective immediately." Banging his fist on the table, he continued, "Now our players will be able to step back, stare down the hardship and difficulty they will face in the pursuit of success, and say, 'To Hell with that; this isn't worth it.'"

    "The players on this roster have always been told that they should succeed at all costs," coach Guy Carbonneau added. "But based on our clinching a plyoff berth, is there really a point in wasting all that energy? I mean, look at our friends in Toronto. Failure seems to be the mantra over there. Why can't we be lazy for once?"

    As a result of the new policy, some pundits predict that the majority of Habs players will now opt out of their previous obligation to give it 110 percent.

    Although failure was not officially considered an option until today, there have in fact been several cases of it over the course of the season. Micheal Ryder, Saku Koivu and Guillaume Latendress have been massive dissappointments for almost the entire season.

    While the ability to openly fail without detrimental consequence has been embraced by the players, some, such Steve Bégin, claim it will have negative long-term effects for the team.

    "A few weeks ago, even mentioning that you might willingly give it less than your all would have been unthinkable," Bégin said. "It's a disgrace that we are more inclined to simply not get going, especially when the said going could be classified as 'tough.'"

    Thursday, March 20, 2008


    Plekanec Needs a HugMONTREAL - Mere days ago, Alex Kovalev of the Montreal Canadiens released a DVD for charity. Tomas Plekanec was moved by the donation and has been trying to find a manly way to give Kovalev a hug ever since.

    Despite spending the entire season racking up points and impressing his line-mate, Plekanec still finds it difficult to find an appropriately masculine way to hug Kovalev after a job well done.

    "It's odd, because on the ice, after we score, it's easy to rush into each other's arms and say 'good job, bro,' but off the ice, it's just awkward," said Plekanec, who recounted several other awkward hug attempts, including a particularly ill-conceived attempt in the locker-room shower.

    "I think I'm going to try out something different today, like 'nice DVD, douche-bag,' then I'll apologize and we'll hug."

    When asked for comment, Kovalev simply laughed and said, "Well that explains a lot. I mean, the guy kept trying to 'get close' to me. And when you combine that with that turtleneck thing he wears, well, let's just say I'd reached some conclusions."

    Wednesday, March 19, 2008


    From Minsk to Smolensk. From Severnaya Brovyev to St-Pêtersburgh; Hamilton is the Russian Sacha doll that just keeps on giving.
    "How do you explain such a wealth of Ivans, Guy?" asked your tactless reporter.
    "We're the only team that has Levis jeans as a signing bonus." laughed the coach, after which he added,
    "Hey, hey, don't write that down; it was a joke!"
    Too late, Guy.
    Mikael Grabovski joins the swelling ranks of snot-nosed kids that have taken this Mtl Canadien team and shoved it up the NHL's food disposer. With the rest of the North-East scrambling to lay down a situation report on the Habs and to prepare in situ hypothetical scenarios with Grabovski added to the algorithm, it is safe to say, that they are Panicking.
    Who can stop this terrible Russian fleet? Don Cherry? Guess again.
    The last of the Leningrad Legion is in Montreal. With the new Superliga contracts being beholden to the Far East, no more talent will ever lay sway in the NHL as they do in Montreal.
    The Time is Now.
    The Future is Here.
    So what are you gonna do about it, Guy?
    "For starters, I ain't sayin' **** to you no more, you moth...." (technical difficulties)
    More updates as events warrant.

    Friday, March 14, 2008


    MONTREAL - Michael Ryder, 27, forward for the Montreal Canadiens, has not been as productive as he was the last few seasons; coincidently, before the loss of his virginity.

    "Ryder's been here almost five years, and he's always been a pretty decent goal scorer," said teammate, and noted womanizer, Mark Streit. "But this season, he just hasn't been himself. It's almost as if scoring goals and winning hockey games is no longer his top priority."

    "Heck, I've been in the business for a lot of years, and Ryder could show me new ways to score. I mean the guy can slap it and wrist it!" said coach Guy Carbonneau. "I'm talking hockey right now."

    Described by acquaintances as "not all that socially skilled," Ryder lost his virginity at pal Christopher Higgins' party. Drunk on Goldschlager, Ryder abandoned his usual method of taco-related conversations and, at approximately 1:30am, Ryder and Higgins' cousin, Maggie, found themselves alone, where "one thing led to another."

    "As Maggie and I sat together watching the sun come up, she informed me that she has a boyfriend or might be gay," Ryder said. "But we made a vow not to regret anything that happened that night. I know I sure haven't."

    Though Ryder used to make excuses to avoid group social events, he has been seeking them out of late.

    "Mike's always up for coming over to my house and teaching me how to play World of Warcraft," said best friend and continued virgin Greggory Sparks. "Now, he just wants to go to parties. He's all like, 'Is anyone having a party this weekend?' God, Mike, get a life."

    With the recent success of the Canadiens, teammates and fans alike are looking for a total resurgence of Ryder's goal scoring prowess. Perhaps the frustrated Alex Kovalev put it best: "Now is a great time for this team, but Mike's completely blowing it. Maybe I shouldn't worry, though. Sooner or later, he'll come to his senses. He'll realize that getting laid is temporary, but hockey is forever."

    Monday, March 10, 2008


    We were all gathered at Pierre Trudeau Airport to await the return of the St-Flanelle. As the players started to pour onto the concourse, the obvious question in all our minds was,
    Did Grabovski make the flight?
    He had. And so the team is back after a .500 road series which has led them from the silicone streets of San Jose through the Desert of Gretzky to the sandy beaches of King Cali. All in all, fellas? Great tan. And the Canadiens proved they can also be beaten by the Stanley Cup Ducks, sending the rest of the League cowering in fear.
    "If the Ducks can beat them, I don't know what we can do...", stammered Martin Brodeur to your courageous reporter in the Devil's shower-room.
    "When I found out that our lords and masters, the canadiens, lost to Anaheim, I told Coach Murray that I was scared and I wanted to go home.", admitted Daniel Alfredsson to your surprised reporter in the Senator massage-room.
    "Strovonotski druska bretnev bronki visna.", Evgeni Malkin was heard to remark. Your curious reporter doesn't understand Russian, but we were in the rub-down room.
    Point is, the coming week holds the keys to the Eastern Conference and a strangle-hold on the Eastern Division. The Canadiens are back in Canada, ready to stake their claim on the snow-blowers on special at Canadian Tire.
    Will Mikael see the ice again, Coach Guy?
    "He's got to Grab his opportunities.", giggled Carbonneau.

    Tuesday, March 4, 2008


    MONTREAL - In recent weeks, the Montreal Canadiens have proven to their fans and their critics that they really know how to smurf. Night-in and night-out they've shown their smurfing prowess.

    The smurfing began in late Smurfember right around the time where the top smurf on the roster got a smurf in his smurf. After that, there was no smurfing his smurf and the Canadiens really started to smurf.

    Off the ice, the Canadiens have jelled as a unit. This has added to their chemistry and has allowed them to get their smurf on with a minimal amount of smurfing. Indeed, if there is any smurf on this team, it's hidden by all the smurf.

    And with Gainey Smurf at the helm and Alex Smurfalev leading the way, the Canadiens will be the top smurfs in the Smurf Conference for a long smurf to come.

    Perhaps even the Smurf Cup is within reach?

    Sunday, March 2, 2008


    The Red Army marches on. Systematically crushing any who stand in their way, inexorably pursuing the goal of total and utter Victory. A terrible posse crashing into defender's flanks like a tsunami in a domino contest. The Canadiens are back.
    High atop the Bell Center Tower, Bob Gainey sits on his thrown and throws piercing glares into his Time Crystal. Everything that has transpired so far has done so according to the grand Design. He smirks in recollection,
    "I grow tired of asking, Daniel, so it will be for the last time; will you join?"
    "No. The pastures are greener yonder, my lord, I will go thither."
    "So be it." Krack-ka-boom! See Flyers with broken wing. See Flyers fly. Woops!
    And then,
    Marion is traded to Pittsburgh. A new enemy? Krack-ka-boom! Woops! Are ye allright there, lad?
    Do only the Devils remain ahead of the Flanelle? Ugly horned wonders, Bob, whatever shall we do?
    "Who doth play the Devils next?"
    The Capitals, my lord.
    "Bring me Huet; I would have words with him."
    Huet, my lord? But why?
    "Yours is not to question but to obey. Obey me. For I have a Plan."
    Yes, my lord.