Wednesday, December 31, 2008


Your Montreal Canadiens avoid deadly December 23rd curse altogether by having it removed from schedule. This tactic seems to have paid off as the Bleu Blanc Rouge return from Bethlehem with a vengeance.
Your intrepid reporter was able to corner Kid Crosby in the underground parking structure of the Igloo. With my weapon put away and his fears allayed, he disclosed how the Canadiens defence was as impermeable as polypropylene graphite. Geno was still crying over the Priceberg's robbery. The Elder Kostitsyn was a titan and the Habs were the greatest team in the world and could he please leave now.
Then came the trip to Florida; Christmas on the Beach, a Montreal Institution. Indeed, an estimated 13 000 Snowbirds in Miami and another 6 000 in Tampa would whole-heartedly agree that the Montreal trip to Florida during the Holidays is the only reason the State was founded at all.
"I love it here!", said Gontran Babineau, "We come in like the lords of all creation, the Floridians are afraid of us. I mean, you should see it here: they spell hockey, H-O-C-K-Y on the arena banners! They call the puck "the poke" and they call bodychecks "bodyhits", it’s great!"
The interview was suddeny cut short when Babineau shouted "Gotta go; there’s more of’em!" He then began to chase a Lightning-shirted lady and her daughter down the street, cackling madly.
So with no December 23rd curse to affect the southern swing, your Montreal Canadiens were left to crash about the Candy Shop like methed-up kids, upsetting displays and breaking gumball machines as they gorged themselves on Florida Raisins. If only one could find such pleasures in New Joisy.
More updates as event warrant.

Friday, December 19, 2008


MONTREAL - During the 3-game losing streak that saw our beloved Canadiens falter, some of us learned some valuable lessons. The things we learned helped us to cope with the heart-wrenching debacles that were supposedly NHL games. At this point I would like to share with you those lessons so that you may also cope come the next inevitable losing skid:

  • When the Bell-tower strikes midnight, go to the nearest speakeasy as it can only mean one thing... It's the witching hour and it's time to get your drink on. There is no dilemma a spirited hootenanny will not address.

  • To distract yourself, steal your mother's corset and don the stolen undergarment.
    If it fits a little TOO comfortably, take it off immediately.

  • Start a fight with some bikers simply for the sake of an old fashioned gang-style brawl. Don't count on your friend Barry, though, he'll probably get out of the way cause it'll look like shit's about to go down pretty hard and heavy. Stupid Barry...

  • Not really related, though it is distracting: do not, I repeat, DO NOT let your friend Barry show you his collection of gay pornography. That DID NOT just happen...
  • Tuesday, December 16, 2008


    CAROLINA - As the Canadiens are no longer able to intimidate opponents on the ice, the players have taken to trying to intimidate opponents off the ice.

    In a bold move to try to put some life into the demoralized Montreal roster, coach Guy Carbonneau organized a poker match deep in the dark underbelly of the Raleigh underground. It is here that the murderous band of thugs make their name. And it is here that Carbonneau will turn his season around. Carbonneau pushes his players into the seedy establishment.

    Andrei Kostitsyn - no stranger to places such as this - challenges the midnight crew to a game and prepares to show these rag-a-muffins who really holds the cards.

    The dangerous band of mobsters threatens him with their sinister card-based magic. One of them even tries to intimidate him with the ace of spades! But Kostitsyn retailiates with his own hand of deadly and highly intimidating cards!

    We are lost...

    Wednesday, December 10, 2008


    It was a calamitous affair that drew your faithful reporter to the Halls of Bell this morning. Bob Gainey, the general manager of the Royal Montreal Canadiens, just came in from Italy, where, we were told, he had lunch with an old friend and confidante. Asked if this "friend" was none other than the Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Bob demured.
    "It was an engagement that had been tabled for quite some time."
    - With your friend "Benny", Bob? That’s what it says on the Agenda.
    "That’s right. Benny. Old friend of mine."
    - Did you talk hockey?
    "I talk hockey all the time; it may have come up."
    - What does the Vicar of Christ know about hockey?
    "It wasn’t the Holy Father, just a friend who can help with some power-play ideas. Next question."
    - Will you be inviting the Successor of the Chief of the Apostles to your loge anytime soon?
    "What does that have to do with anything?"
    - Well, Bob, many say that Montreal’s power-play could use some divine intervention, and as the Patriarch of the West, your friend "Benny" might be just the ticket.
    "Okay, listen: It wasn’t the Pope. I can’t be more clear. Just a normal general manager’s meeting. I just had lunch with my friend Benny. Yes, he lives in the Vatican, but..."
    - The Sovereign of the Vatican State, no less. Is that correct?
    "No, that is incorrect. Furthermore, don’t be reading anything into our team’s offensive explosion on the power-play coming up shortly."
    - Why would you say such a thing, Bob?
    "Call it an epiphany. Last question."
    - Who kissed who’s ring?
    "This press conference is over."
    And there you have it, Rosary-holding, bead-rolling, knee-bowing Partisans. Bob Gainey did NOT visit anyone holier than...thou, in Italy. Just a friendly lunch with his friend Benny. The fact that good’ole Benedictine XVI happened to be photographed in his Habs regalia on the same day with the Key to the City of Montreal about his neck had nothing to do with anything.
    Yea, the Power-Play cometh and that right righteously.
    More hymning as events warrant.

    Monday, December 8, 2008


    MONTREAL - With the arrival and outstanding play of Matt D'Agostini, a roster position on the Montreal Canadiens' roster is no longer sewn up for forward Sergei Kostitsyn. As a result, his frustration with coach Guy Carbonneau has culminated in a rebellious attack in the form of a flaming bag of shit.

    Late Sunday evening, as Carbonneau left practice at the Bell Center and was walking towards his car, he was hit in the back by a blazing brown bag of excrement. When he turned, he saw Kostitsyn speeding away in his Porsche.

    "It's disappointing for sure," commented the coach, "but if he'd played well to begin with, none of this would ever have happened. If he'd put as much effort into his play as he did with gathering, packaging, lighting, and subsequent throwing of that bag of shit, well..."

    When asked how the coach would deal with the situation, he simply smiled and said, "never you worry about that. I've taken care of it."

    On Monday morning, when approached for comment, Kostitsyn remained silent about the subject and merely continued to brush his teeth feverishly.

    More updates as events warrant.

    Monday, December 1, 2008


    MONTREAL - For the first time since the end of the Cold War, the threat of nuclear annihilation hangs over the world. This after RDS announced yesterday that the Toronto Maple Leafs have constructed a fully operational 50-megaton nuclear device.

    After taking over the post of President and GM late last week, Brian Burke wasted little time and successfully completed the first test detonation on Sunday in the heart of northern Ontario.

    Now, since "The Button" is in the hands of Burke who, throughout recent history, has acted with violence and incredible intolerance, officials at RDS have moved the Doomsday Clock back up to one minute before midnight.

    From his office (pictured left) deep within the catacombs of the Air Canada Center, Burke released a statement denying the claim, but added that those that look into the matter more closely will be "nuked up real good like."

    When asked about the bomb, RDS scientist, Dr. Robert Pelt, responded that it was "primitive yet brilliant." Pelt was not sure how the Leafs got their hands on plutonium, but said that they handled it in much the same way they've handled their roster and thus it has likely resulted in mutations far beyond those that regularly occur as a result of inbreeding in Toronto.

    With the threat in mind, Prime Minister Harper says that his main goal is to get the Leafs to dismantle their bomb entirely. And to that end, he plans to negotiate with the MLSE, offering them tax cuts, greater CBC air-time, and a revocation of all laws prohibiting incest.

    Thursday, November 27, 2008


    Just when you think the greatest team in hockey and the best team in the world is doing its utmost to let you down, they turn on the Juice and spread the magic sauce. Everyone's getting into the mix, from Kovy to skating, through Plecky to scoring, to O'Byrne NOT poppin' it into his own net. NHL to look into excess Hab-fan voodoo piercings.
    Because if such actions didn't yet prove the existence of a parallel universe, after Josh Gorges' goal, check out the punisher by Dandy (pictured left)! Babcock adamant: Hoodoo Voodoo involved.
    Canadiens showing they really know how to smurf. Detroit's Lidstromma, Datsyun and Zetterberger (pictured right) were left to stare at their skate laces, bewildered and shocked by such an awesome display of talent in the Motor City, and we don't mean the robotic GM arms.
    Next game: Ovy and Friends. Will Markov continue to put the squeeze on his good buddy? Will Kovy show Federov how an Ivan ages with Class? Will José find his inner half-season prowess? Will O'Byrne discover new ways to auto-sabotage? All your queries will be laid to ice tomorrow night at the Verizon Centre in Washer City. Be there! Or don't; what do we care?
    This preview sponsored by Joomla! Does open source matter to you? Well, if you want some goopla, don't ask for futzpah, ask for Joomla! Unless you have other sources?

    More updates as events warrant.

    Tuesday, November 25, 2008


    Canadiens not content to lose, commit suicide. Bob Gainey shakes his jowls. Coach Carbo storms off in a huff. Doug Jarvis stares longingly at yesteryear. O'Byrne paralyed with shame on the bench. Fans restless. Frustration sows its creepy influence.
    Kirk Muller could barely conceive his shock.

    "We know that with kids, we have to emphasize certain points more than we would with veterans but...I didn't think we'd have to emphasize not scoring on your own net. Hey, everyone make mistakes. Not everyone scores on their own net but everyone makes mistakes. He's got to put this one behind him and forget about it. He needn't worry; we'll remember it aplenty for him. He O'Byrned us today but he'll be all Ryan in Detroit."


    Preview: Habs vs Wings.
    Speaking of Detroit City, the Best in the West eagerly await the arrival of the Boys to snack on their doubting Tomas Plecanecsis. Throwing the Habs to the Wings seems like feeding a tiger meat at the moment but coach Guy Carbonneau thinks the Red, White'n'Blue have a chance, providing they work, skate hard, be first on the puck, play smart defensively, not give away the blueline, forcheck, keep the puck in the offensive zone, instill a cycle, keep up the pressure, create scoring chances, get shots on net and finish, they have a chance to come out with a good result. Oh, well, is that all? Sounds easy when he says it like that. Hockey City in Hockeytown, Thursday night.

    This preview sponsored by Haupstellen Graflubenbuben Oberosterreichische. When you want a Versicherung, don't go to any old Krakendorf Upsilon Fritz; go to Oberosterreichische's!

    More updates as events warrant.


    MONTREAL - After losing yet another game on Monday night against the New York Islanders, the Montreal Canadiens are looking for something, anything, to help boost their fragile confidence. The answer comes after many fans have sent in angry emails and phone calls demanding the Habs do something to right the sinking ship.

    The answer is an exhibition game against their fans.

    During the Christmas break, the "Canadiens vs. Fans" game will take place. The game, which is being promoted by Don King, is sure to draw massive media attention as well as ire, since the "Canadiens vs. Media" game is scheduled for next preseason.

    "No doubt about it, the Montreal fans will be tough," Habs center (and eternal optimist) Saku Koivu said. "That guy from the corner Deli? Well, he's got a nasty shot that usually hits guys in the throat. And that guy who pushes the shopping cart around St. Catherine's? Man, he can wreak havoc in the neutral zone. (Also, you don't want him bleeding on you.) Oh! And that dude from maintenance? Well, he's just a gigantic jerk. But we've got a good team, too."

    The Canadiens have of course confirmed that all of their regulars will be in the lineup, with the exception of Maxime Lapierre, whose animal-like tendencies are feared to result in his mounting one of the fans in a move of dominance followed inevitably by biting off an ear.

    The Habs coaching staff, meanwhile, are of course looking at this game as an opportunity to (a) avenge certain statements the fans have made against them, and (b) get back into the win column.

    Neither is expected to occur.

    More comments as events warrant.

    Tuesday, November 18, 2008


    CAROLINA - Alone. Alone He skates. From the safety of the press box, I watch Him... The Magician.

    Maybe it's the scent of the Canadiens' demise (like cruel water rising inexorably), but Alex Kovalev is suddenly much more inspired to put concerted effort into refining His craft. He's honed His willpower into that of a master Artist. Each pass, each shot, and the stick bends to His will... Yes. Yes!

    The results are breath-taking. The moves are human emotion incarnate. Why, is this a mere practice, or are the pucks like fellow men rapt within the human condition?

    No time for reflection, though, only doing.

    And we await His Awakening...

    Wednesday, November 12, 2008


    Your Montreal Canadiens were in fine spirits after obliterating the Ottawa Senators Tuesday night. Following their worst losing streak of the season, Hab coach Carbo called out the boys.
    "C'mon, boys!," he apparently yelled, "This isn't Nashville! This isn't Columbus! In Montreal, we win! All the time! EVERY time!"
    The Boys listened. And took out the Senator trash harder than a dumptruck on the Joisy turnpike. Many affirm that had the opposition been wearing red and white or brown and yellow or turquoise and magenta, they all would have left black and blue.
    So was the mood when your plucky reporter entered the media fray for Carbo's post game analysis.
    "We were sick of losing all the time. The "streak" had been the worst I've witnessed since I've been behind the bench. I knew we were better than that. We had to pull ourselves out of these losing ways and show the world that we were a good team. Tonight, we showed that we were not only a good team but a super-fantastical, titan-inspired Armada of a good team. There's no reason to believe that we can't bring the Fire each and every game. I spoke to my left-wingers before the game and as you can see, they answered. And what can you say about the Priceberg? He was excellent tonight."
    Indeed, straight from the horse's mouth:
    "They're a good team," the Kid said, "They crashed the net a lot. They were really throwin' it. They were boardin' it off the walls cuz they're so lively and I thought we played good."
    That it?
    "That's it."
    Can we expect the same effort against Boston, Carbo?
    "Saw a flick this weekend. Line in it I liked: Tell Julien the Habs are comin'.
    And they're bringin' Hell with them."
    More updates as events warrant.

    Saturday, November 1, 2008


    MONTREAL - With the Centennial Season in motion for the Montreal Canadiens, the roster has been forever etched into history. The ultimate goal is, of course, to capture Lord Stanley's Cup. Thus, each player must be at the height of his game. Bob Gainey, the Canadiens' GM has selected each player on the roster according to the Grand Design. He's also selected them according to specialized skilled.

    The following is a breakdown of the skill set of the Canadiens' franchise goalie, Carey Price.

    Good Points:
  • Balls of steal means he doesn't need to wear a cup.
  • Can ride side-saddle on a horse and not look gay.
  • Can crochet like nobody's business.
  • Covers the back of the net very well.
  • Still able to pick up chicks even with pick-up lines like, "wow, you're a pretty, pretty princess."

    Bad Points:
  • C'mon! Country music? Seriously?
  • Shouts "ka-pow!" every time he makes a save.
  • Sometimes gets too comfortable in net and leans back to take a nap.
  • Could be taller.
  • Can't dunk.
  • Monday, October 27, 2008


    MONTREAL - You may remember that Canadiens' coach Guy Carbonneau won the Stanley Cup a few times during his career. Now that the Canadiens are considered a favorite for at least getting to the Finals, the questions are coming out about what he would do with the Cup if he won it again.

    To such questions, Carbonneau is surprisingly upset. In his mind, players have not been "treating Stanley right."

    "I mean, c'mon," Carbonneau said during an inpromptu interview with yours truly. "Taking the Cup to some po-dunk town in the middle of nowhere to show it off to some kids that would never otherwise see the Cup? Talk about cliché."

    To Carbonneau, a night out with the Cup is not complete unless you take it to dinner, get to first base, and eventually throw it into a swimming pool.

    Thursday, October 23, 2008


    Much has been written about the infamous helmet-swap between Gorgeous Gorges and the Priceberg at the end of the Panther game last Saturday. Since then, your intrepid reporter sought to learn more of this seemingly harmless practice.
    Not so harmless as it turns out. Rather UNharmless. HarmFUL, actually.
    "It was supposed to be a joke;" sputtered Gorges, once cornered at La Cage aux Sports, "It was supposed to be just a little thing to do, like a tradition, but Carey sees an opportunity and guess what? He takes it. He put Vicks vapor rub all over the inside of his helmet and he squished on my head! He said it was to get back at me? I put an extra SOCK in his bag, I don't see why I should have my BRAIN fried for that! People say I was smiling coming off the ice? I wasn't smiling; I was grimacing. Hey, he wants to play? I can play."
    "Ok, but slashing the tires on my 4-Runner?", asked the incredulous young goalie. "That was... kinda unexpected, you could say." The superstar future Vézina winner then proceeded to up the ante by placing something in Gorges bag himself... something he had picked up from the city morgue. "Two can play the bag game", said the Sainte Flanelle phenom.
    Since his deadline was fast approachingYour impatient reporter was the one who directed Gorges to his bag . Once his shrieks had subsided, he was kind enough to answer a few questions.
    - Are you alright, Josh?
    "Oh, he wants to play... oh, two can play... oh yes, two can play... and I'm gonna play too. "
    - Where are you going?
    "I'm going to firebomb his parents house."
    More updates as events warrant.

    Saturday, October 18, 2008


    LOS ANGELES — Desperate Housewives, a prime time drama featuring a flock of desperate, ugly women, whose secrets and truths unfold in a quiet suburban neighborhood, has found its newest cast member — Mats Sundin.

    In his first episode, the former Toronto Maple Leaf will square off against Lynette Scavo (played by Felicity Huffman) in a battle to decide who is the real father of her long-lost son, Pepe (played by Gary Coleman). Personally, my money's on Huffman.

    "We feel that the Mats brings a fresh new, and ugly face to the program," said creator Marc Cherry. "We looked at hundreds of potential candidates like Rod Brind'Amour, Kelly Buckberger, and Mike Ricci, but in the end, this rare and exotic creature from the darkest depths Sweden truly stood out."

    "And as far as we can tell, it's a male," Cherry added.

    In recent months, Sundin has been the talk of sports stations like, TSN, ESPN, and SportsNet. Having exhausted and tired the sports world with his snail-like decision reflexes about retirement, Sundin opted instead to tire and bore the entertainment world. Although again, I can't wait to see how he interacts with Carlos. Watch out!

    According to Mary Stark, a fan of the show, Sundin's presence brings an "air of class" to the show. Something it's been missing since the days since "that chick totally lied to that other chick and they were all like, 'you bitch' and junk!" Riveting stuff, Mary, thank you.

    "Sundin will be a star," said Cherry, who has already booked the former captain on Live With Regis And Kelly, and has even laid the groundwork on a deal for Sundin to take over hosting duties of the syndicated version of Don't Forget the Lyrics in 2012.

    "I like Mats," said HNIC host, Ron MacLean. "I think he's tall and sexy. More importantly, he shows that you don't need to have hair or teeth to make it big in Hollywood."

    According to a network insider, Sundin's character, Pablo, will have an emotional segment sometime this season in which he reveals that he is in love with Don Cherry.

    Tuesday, October 14, 2008


    Now that the Superiority of our team is beyond reproach, the authors of Habs Bros would like the readers' help in drawing up the plus and minuses of some of our particular players, not they are particular but that their selection is... First post, the reporter is already confused...
    Let us look at our Kapitan Extraordinaire, Saku Koivu.
    1) Can someway say "KeeeeRUNCH-time!"? Anybody? Crunch-time, who's the man? Who is THE MAN? Thank you.
    2) Can kick cancer's ass better than John Wayne. And that, friends and neighbours, is saying a HECK of lot about the guy.
    3) Can see through a glazed eye. Verily, the hockey-gods have punished Williams for this affront.
    4) Makes Latendresse look like Leclair. Makes Teemu look like Teemu. Who else can do this? Nobody, that's who.
    5) Makes Bob Gainey gush out compliments like a busted hydrant. Who else can make Bob react this way? Nobody, that's who.
    1) Getting old; won't play outside anymore.
    2) Doesn't kick ass in the dressing-room when Markov pulls a Thornton.
    3) Left a weird vision to fans when he sported a BLUE JERSEY! (Yes, we know it was ours, but still, freaky!)
    4) Has yet to inscribe his name beside his predecessors.
    We at Habs Bros are still left with the mantra, one that every Montrealer must chant with Pride:
    Saku Koivu is a Champion. He works like a Champion, lives like a Champion, breathes like a Champion, probably mows his lawn in Turkavegablest (or whatever) like a Champion too, truth be told.
    And one day soon, he will win a Championship.
    Making us ALL Champions and reaffirming our rightful place in the Halls of Hockey Valhalla.
    Yonder paradise we never should have left.
    More updates as events warrant.

    Saturday, October 11, 2008


    MONTREAL - As the Centennial Season begins for the Montreal Canadiens, the roster has been forever etched into history. The ultimate goal is, of course, to capture Lord Stanley's Cup. Thus, each player must be at the height of his game. Bob Gainey, the Canadiens' GM has selected each player on the roster according to the Grand Design. He's also selected them according to specialized skilled.

    The following is a breakdown of the skill set of one the Canadiens' premier players, Alex Kovalev.

    Good Points:
  • Hit Darcy Tucker in the face. What's not to like?
  • Was not born, but grown... In ice...
  • Always willing to work with star athletes like Jaromir Jagr and Mario Lemieux in order to set career highs.
  • Able to shoot puck off Zamboni, Jumbotron, and glass, and get nothing but net.
  • Has never done anything wrong.

    Bad Points:
  • Sometimes loses site of puck through mullet.
  • Theoretically, he could have more money.
  • Incapable of ever smiling.
  • Not a strong cook.
  • Unable to have a normal conversation because everyone always just stares in amazement.
  • Sunday, May 4, 2008


    MONTREAL - After a spectacular season of near-constant highs, the Montreal Canadiens' season came to an end last night in the most anti-climactic of ways. A fourth consecutive loss to the mediocre Philadelphia Flyers eliminated the Canadiens from compitition for the ultimate prize, the Stanley Cup.

    Was it Karma? Was it destiny? Was it bad joo-joo? Did the Canadiens, a team that no one picked to even make the playoffs, offend the Gods in doing so? Was it Carbonneau's heritical tie?

    Whatever it was, it just wasn't meant to be.

    I, like most Habs fans, enjoyed the ride knowing full well that there was little to no chance of winning the Cup. Indeed, if the Canadiens had made the Conference Final, it is doubtful that even the Faithful would pick them to beat Pittsburgh. So we always knew we were going to be eliminated.

    But really, the Flyers? C'mon!

    Shades of the Carolina Hurricanes; down and out until the removal of Our Captain's eye. Shades of the Tampa Bay Lightning; thoroughly dominated, yet winning despite (although at least they had some talented players).

    What do those teams have in common? Yeah, they won the Cup.

    Are the Flyers a team of destiny? Did Briere know something we didn't? Did Biron? Is Hatcher really the difference maker Bobby Clarke always thought he was? Is Umberger the real deal? It is the fact that this paragraph can barely be taken seriously that makes me realize just how horrible it was for Us to lose to these clowns.

    Oh well. There's always next year right? Centennial Cup?

    Now let the offseason fun begin. Let us dump Ryder to Edmonton, pick up a signifant UFA (Hossa? Jagr?) and gear up for next year's awesome ride!

    Thursday, May 1, 2008


    We are but normal folk, humbled and humiliated. And far be it from us to stifle Your creativity or Your judgement. Yet here we are. On the brink.
    We know that You have a Grand Plan, and that Bob Gainey, the Montreal Canadiens and the Priceberg are somehow involved and we truly appreciate that because it fills us with Hope and has renewed our Partisanship to a frenzy this City has never witnessed, even in our times of Glory. We also understand that to Win, our children must learn the agony of defeat as, indeed, the Penguins learned last year. But, dear Jebus, that was the Senators! The good Senators!
    These are the Flyers!
    What are we learning now? That You have a sense of humor? Ok, ha-ha. Very funny. You got us; that was a good one, ok? Losing to the Penguins, ok, that's fine, we accepted that; it would have been honorable and a fitting end to a Spectacularly season.
    But the Flyers represent everything You despise, Jebus. What the hell are you doing? We are confused, stunned and dismayed at Your proceedings and we're all wondering what to do to get You back on our side. Different way to work, longer shower, avoiding cracks in the sidewalk, squishing raspberries, howling to the moon, sacrificing white roosters, converting to scientology, what?! What do we have to do, please tell us? Because this isn't right. You know this isn't right.
    Are You even there? ........screw it.
    Maurice? Tell'em!
    "Nos bras meurtris vous tendent le flambeau."
    That means you, Kovy.
    Now let's do this thing but this time,
    Let's do it right.

    Wednesday, April 30, 2008


    PHILADELPHIA - Undoubtedly, the Canadiens are very busy preparing for tonight's game and, no doubt, they already have enough pressure on them as it is. But what this town (Montreal) needs right now is a return to tradition. We need to work, laugh, and win the way we did before September 11. That's why it's absolutely vital that the Canadiens win tonight. Because if they don't, well, then the terrorists have already won.

    These are hard times for all of us. Some days, I can barely bring myself to yell at the TV from my Lazy-Boy as the Canadiens blow another powerplay opportunity. Yet to hang my head in defeat is exactly what they want us to do. They want us to give up and admit defeat. I don't know how you were raised, but when life deals me a blow, I pick myself up, dust myself off, and demand that players be traded. That's the way I am, and I'm not going to let some fundamentalist wacko halfway around the world change that.

    Hopefully the Canadiens realize that by giving me poor performance, they're giving a poor performance to an entire nation! Until they can learn to win every game, maybe they should take the "Canadian" reference from their name. The entire team is making a mockery of everything Canada stand for. They should feel ashamed.

    Do they want the beer of past couch-coaches to have been spilled for nothing? Well, if they can't bring us the wins we need to capture the Stanley Cup, they might as well move to Afghanistan and join Al Queda, because that's what they're really doing. Right now, the Habs need to ask themselves some difficult questions. Namely, are they part of the problem or part of the solution?

    Also, a shutout and eight goals tonight would be nice.

    Monday, April 28, 2008


    Sources close to the team reveal hoodoo-voodoo behind Flyer bench. The team doing the revealing was, of course, Your Montreal Canadiens.
    The NHL board of directors are seriously considering thinking of the possibilty of maybe appealing towards Gary Bettman to instill "The Flyer Rule", perhaps.
    "The Flyer Rule" would be to award victory, no matter the score, to the team that so pummeled its opposition and so demolished any conceivable sense of adversity between them that they should not have to suffer the ignominity of defeat by vengeful Gods.
    The puck went this way, that way, the other way around and back again. It went left; it went right, through that guy's legs and between those guys' coverage. It went aside the goalie, over and under him, across him and towards him, side to side and up and down. It chipped off every speck of paint and either net while it explored the bending properties of iron. It sailed; it sallied; it parted the orange seas like a Kovalev through a kindergarten class.
    The only place the puck didn't go, was where it was supposed to go.
    Some say the talismanic-Tie has aggravated the hockey-gods by its overuse. We accept the remonstrance. however,
    Timonen: "Na-na! Boo-boo!"
    You unbelievable bastich...
    Be prepared.

    Friday, April 25, 2008


    MONTREAL - After losing the first game of the series to the Canadiens, Philadelphia Flyers' head coach John Stevens was seeking a gimmick that would help boost the moral of his team before game two.

    "I don't know, there's already a bunch of teams that do the head-shaving, karaoke, or Greco-Roman wrestling," said Stevens, leafing through an issue of Coaching for Dummies. "I thought about juggling, but in the end, 'Silly Hat Day' just came to me."

    Well, the gimmick was a huge success.

    Darien Hatcher scored easily during a scrimmage as backup goalie Antero Niittymaki could not focus on the puck for sake of the hulking Hatcher's tiara (his own). Vacalav Prospal was also in the spirit, wearing a British policeman's cap, while Jeff Carter wore the very same green hat worn by Don Cherry for St. Patrick's Day.

    Unfortunately, the day was not all positives as Daniel Briere was actually further demoralized when he did not properly understand the memo and came to the rink dressed head-to-toe as a '70's disco pimp.

    No word yet as to whether the Flyers will wear their "silly hats" to the game on Saturday.

    Monday, April 21, 2008


    64 000 Hydro-Québec éoliennes across the provinces produce enough electricity to sustain the province until the end of 2011 with collective sigh of Partisan relief. The Canadiens are into Round 2 of the Stanley Cup playoffs.
    3rd star: Saku Koivu
    2nd star: Alex Kovalev
    1st star: Carey Price
    Super-duper 1st star?
    The talisman worn by Guy Carbonneau to invoke the Power of the Gods. The Hockey Gods.
    Only a talisman of such primeval and decadent ugliness could attract the Gods' attention, an object that could cause a God to retch.
    "Listen to me."
    "WHO BIDS US?"
    "Just a coach. A coach who swore to uphold the seal blessed by your forefathers. Will you hearken?"
    "We are the name. Will you hearken? The seal calls on you."
    "YOU DARE?"
    "The seal demands it. You must obey."
    "Only ever the same."
    "We swore to be champions."
    "WHO IS IT NOW?"
    "Only ever the same."
    "Thy wills be done."

    Saturday, April 19, 2008


    What up, dawg?

    I'm a new fan of the Canadiens and for the most part, I'm really digging this team! But I have a question I was hoping you could answer for me.

    There are some really good players on this team, and yet when I see them, I don't feel any... Well, for lack of a better term, urges (to cheer that is). I ain't jellin' with my yellin'! You feel me?

    I guess my question is this: Why has the coaching staff seen fit to suppress the raw talent on this roster by placing Smolinski on the powerplay, Ryder on the bench, and 4 out of 5 players in the neutral zone?

    - A concerned fan.

    PS: Seriously! I gots to get my freak on!

    Friday, April 18, 2008


    The Bell Center is resonating with silence. The Montreal throng is screaming sweet nothing in nobody's ear. The chant changed from "Olé, Olé, Olé" to "Au lit, Au lit, Au lit" midway through the 2nd period of the 5th game opposing the Glorious Ones to the Big Bad Bruins. Dull drama delays dandy deed. Truly, a debacle is not what 21273 persons paid for last night but verily, that's what they got, and that most righteously. A drastic drubbing led directly to deadly disintegration. Decadent disaster depreciates demeanor of dictator's disciples. Guy Carbonneau overheard swearing in coach's office before press conference but looked composed enough to talk to us.
    -What happened, coach?
    "We lost. We played with no effort after our first goal. The guys thought it'd be easy and it might be but you still gotta go out there and get it."
    -Kovalev said noone is going to give to you.
    "Well, did you write that down?"
    -Did you ever expect to drop a 5 to 1 game versus Boston?
    "Yeah, I had it planned on my calendar and everything; what do you think? We were embarassed on own ice, I think the guys know this has been a wake-up call."
    -Is the alarm loud enough?
    "(menacing glare in your terrified reporter's direction)"
    -Ummmm....I mean, how're you gonna get the team to rebound from this one, coach?
    "By getting them to work for 60 minutes instead of 20. The Bruins have played better lately and we have to respond."
    -The Kid, last night...
    "No comment. No wait, the Kid is the Real Deal; that's my comment."
    -If the Bruins win the series...
    "Then the Universe might as well turn to jello and disappear because it will have no reason to exist anymore. 'If the Bruins win the series'; listen to yourself. Bad bounces, that's all. Just bad bounces. We're going to win."
    -Bad bounces?
    "Yeah. Same reason you're here."
    I declare!
    More updates as events warrant.

    Wednesday, April 16, 2008


    "If there's one thing I've always told my players is to never give up, never surrender, never lie down for anybody. But sometimes, you just gotta wake up and smell the pudding. The pudding in this case, is chock-full of proof. The cookie is crumbling totally the wrong way for our team and it looks like there's only one side to that medal, after all."
    ....*It was the heeeee-at of the moment!.....Telling you what my HEART thinks! The heeee-at of the moment; th'look in your eyyyyyyyyye!*....
    Claude Julien looked crestfallen at last night's press conference following the 1 - 0 loss of the Bruins to a Patrice Brisebois cracker. Habs take a 3 - 1 series lead and aim to close it out in Montreal on Thursday.
    ....*It's the final COUNTDOWN! Doo-doo-doo,dooooooo. Dee-dee-dee, doo, dooooooo*.......
    "There's no sugar-coating reality; we're losing. We all know that it's team num.1 versus team num.8, but to me, it looks like two equal teams battling it out, out there. Of course, for that scenario to hold water, we have to put that little black rubber doohickey in the netted cage behind the Priceberg. That's not happening right now. So forget what I said; it's obvious I don't know what I'm talking about just as it's obvious that we're going to get eliminated in 5 games, just like everybody thought we would be."
    ....*It's the, eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight, rising up to the challenge of a riiiiival, and the last known survivor....*
    What can we expect from the Bruins in game 5, coach?
    "We're gonna go out there and we're gonna grind it out, get it deep, work the cycle, get it back to the point, clog the crease, try to gets some shots on net, go for rebounds, scrap and fight for every inch of ice we can get."
    ....*You got to move it, move it; you got to move it, move it, you got to, MOVE IT*....
    What does that mean, coach?
    "It means we have no chance in hell; can I go now? And will someone turn that damn radio off?!"
    .....*The kii-iid, is HOT tonight! The kii-iid is HOT tonight!*.....
    More updates as events warrant.

    Saturday, April 12, 2008


    MONTREAL - After a second straight loss to the mighty Canadiens, you might assume the Bruins are reeling. You might assume that their confidence is shot. You might also assume that they've given up.

    But you'd be wrong.

    In a post-game press conference, coach Claude Julien praised his boys for not losing their cool. When asked if he thought his team was down-and-out, Julien responded, "What? No! We're not dead or anything like that! We're fine! What?" Shifting uncomfortably in his seat, he continued, "look, we're doing just fine, alright?!?. Nothing weird or alarming is going on here."

    When asked about injuries to some key players, Julien easily deflected the queries by moving the press conference into the dressing room. "See, there's Bergeron just propped up against the lockers with his eyes closed like he always is. Ha ha, that Bergeron! He's great! ... And not injured at all!"

    On the other side of the locker-room we found the omnipresent Zdeno Chara. He was bruised and bloodied and appeared to be dangling from a network of cords tied to the ceiling. Julien pointed to him and said, "and um, Chara over there is just chillin'! Not being held up by ropes or anything. Very lifelike... Um, because he's alive! And not dead!"

    I don't know about you, dear reader. But I'm convinced. The Bruins simply cannot be demoralized!

    Friday, April 11, 2008


    Claude Julien needs to take a page out of Mike Keenan's book. When there's nothing to say, that's what you say. Instead, Julien, either out of pure misery or brilliant tactic, is playing the Pity card. The post-game conference showed a shell-shocked coach whose team had just been steamrolled over by the Powerhouse of the East. As a surviving bomb-victim stumbling around ground-zero with no pants and hair ablaze, so did Julien flounder beneath the Spotlights,
    "We're going to go over the video. We're going to watch every play again. Once we're done, I'll tell my guys, "Hey guys, don't do any of that." We were beaten to every play by every guy with every move. They were better at the physicality. We wanted to be strong on their players but they crushed us unto oblivion. We wanted to get the puck in deep in their zone, get a cycle going and guys in front of the net but their goaler stuffed it down our throats, their defense wiped us out and their attackers slapped us in the face before we knew what was going on."
    -How do you see your team rebounding from this, coach?
    "It's a 7-game series. It's not over. We have to play better. Tonight their team was the better team. They were first on the puck, they scored quick and hard, they beat us up, everything worked for them. They're an excellent team."
    -Yeah, but I was asking about your team, coach.
    "My team doesn't belong here. We're a joke to Montreal. They're just the greatest team in the history of the world. We have no chance. I...I...I don't know what to do! How do I stop them?! I don't know how to stop them! Does anyone know? They're better than us in every single aspect of the game by a Mexican mile."
    -You killed off a 5 on 3 at the end of the game, coach.
    "Great. End of the game. 3 minutes left. They're leading 4 to 1. I'm sure they gave it their all to score. Pfffff... Thanks but no thanks."
    -Can you take out anything positive from tonight, coach?
    "Yeah, we look great in white and yellow; what do you want from me?!"
    We love you Claude.
    More updates as events warrant.

    Wednesday, April 9, 2008


    MONTREAL - As the post-season looms for The Glorious Ones, tradition begins to take hold. Canadiens players and fans alike will now forgo their desires of women and sacrifice their careers of heavy-equipment operation by succumbing to the greatest of hockey traditions: the playoff beard.

    For some, however, vast amounts of facial hair can be used as more than satisfaction of a superstition. Indeed, for fans and players like Bryan Smolinski and Andrei Kostitsyn, it might be worth noting that your playoff beard can double as a comb-over!

    That's right, be sexy again! Imagine yourself with hair! Vanity Fair could be in your future. You'll notice people all over your city whispering behind your back. Know what they're saying? "I wish I looked one tenth as good as he's looking," that's what.

    For example, Alex Kovalev – whose steely gaze and easygoing personality have consistently captivated millions around the globe – has, for the past 12 years, attained the highest possible scores in every known measure of physical, psychological, and spiritual attractiveness. Why? Amazing hair, that's why.

    A recent poll conducted by the Rogaine Research Center revealed that 38 percent of women believe hair makes a man look "distinguished," 21 percent think it makes a man look "sharp," and 13 percent believe hair makes a man look "square-jawed and rugged, yet stately and reserved, as one would expect a baron or king to look."

    The poll had no statistical margin of error.

    Plus, it is a widely known fact that most carbon-based organisms will, over time, succumb to the ravages of cellular decomposition and genetic degradation. But you, with your beard-over, will look as though you have aged like a fine wine.

    Sunday, April 6, 2008


    The Glorious Engine of Destruction keeps rumbling on, decimating opponent's ranks like a chain-saw in a ceaser salad. A non-stop influx of young and beautiful Talent to the Only Roster is sowing Fear throughout the league. D'Agostini, the flitting ghoul, smiling in the shadow of S.Richer, has made his name enough.
    But until a day ago, the name "Gregory Stewart" sounded like the fast-ball special at Fenway Stadium, something you would take with mustard. The hyphens have come off and the only mustard in sight is in the velocity of his punch to your potato-chewer. The shadow of C.Lemieux looms thusly...
    For every who Falls,
    Two shall Arise.
    The Word has spread to all Divisions, confident or powerless: Be Prepared.
    So unplug the cyrogenic chamber and wake up Granpa. Get a coffee down his gullet while his eyes unpeel and then tell him it's 1977. He'll spit. Give him a good smack across the noggin and tell him that the Waves of Red White and Blue Terror are once again booming across the shores of the NHL. 262 goals, Granpa! He'll spit and he'll look....Bob Gainey?......Boston?
    And he'll Believe.
    His Boys are Back!

    Tuesday, April 1, 2008


    TORONTO - Hockey fans in Toronto and, indeed, across Canada have reported feelings of surprise, amusement, and slight anger after discovering that the Toronto Maple Leafs have announced they have decided to enter a team into next year's NHL season.

    "Hey, if our players want to try and go for it one more time, then who am I to stop them?" said MLSE chair, Larry Tanenbaum in a press-conference.

    The Maple Leafs have missed the playoffs for the third consecutive year and continue to prove to the hockey world that they are, perhaps, the single worst managed team in the league. Some pundits have equated the MLSE management team to the singular Mike Milbury who single handedly set the New York Islanders back approximately 52 years.

    The majority of Canadian media outlets agreed that this was likely going to be the last year in the NHL for the Maple Leafs, opting to quit instead of consistently disappointing their fans.

    However, despite the country's reaction, Tanenbaum stood behind his players' decision. "You really have to respect their persistence, going out there like this. It's like they don't care that they're going to lose."

    To be safe, Tanenbaum has already booked tee-times for the players for April, 2009.

    CBC has already begun work on a 16 hour made-for-TV movie about the courage and wonder that is the Maple Leafs. It is expected to air 104 times during the summer. Don Cherry has already given it his "thumbs up" as perhaps the greatest achievement in TV history.

    Friday, March 28, 2008


    After the ap-down-slay in the Saguenay, the Canadian government will announce today a ban on fighting in junior hockey. Goons, gorillas, hackers, smackers, grinders, blinders, policemen and plumbers shocked.
    Remarks ranged from "Heck do we do now?!" to "What kind of candy-butt government would do something like that?" and concluding with "Do they know anything about hockey?".
    Gilles Courteau, administrator of the LHJMQ isn't too pleased about it either. "Hey, as long as you promise me that this is off the record, personally, I am totally against this. Brawls get the folks in the arena; ain't gonna lie to ya. But you gotta beef? You talk to Roy and that monkey kid of his. He's the one what ruined it for everybody, you know? So now, I gotta act responsible and holier than thou, you understand? I gotta pretend that I'm for this thing when in fact, it's stickin' in my craw like you wouldn't believe. Everywhere I go, it's always been Roy, Roy, Roy, like a god***n bane on my existence. I hate him so much. Ugh...Off the record, right?"
    Of course.
    No more fighting in junior hockey.
    Maybe those kids'll get drafted now.
    What's a craw?

    Thursday, March 27, 2008


    TORONTO - Summer is just around the corner, and that means it's almost time to go outside in the grass and sunshine and have fun with your family in the great outdoors. But for the NHL, blistering heat and sunlight means the playoffs have arrived!

    With that in mind, the NHL has released a bullet-point set of tips to help you enjoy the playoffs:

    Special Note: If your team was unable to qualify for the playoffs and neither CBC or TSN was able to buy your way in (that means you, Toronto), you have little chance of having a fulfilling summer.

  • For those of you that will attend a playoff game, keep in mind that, though not generally known, beer and popcorn vendors are pitted against each other in a fierce turf war. Avoid getting caught in the crossfire.

  • Beer sold by the aforementioned vendors may be unsafe to drink. As an alternative: imagine how cool you would look downing a grape-flavoured Crush with no shirt on!

  • Under no circumstances should you let your wife or girlfriend stay at home with that guy from her yoga class while you go out to the pub to watch the game. Trust me on this one.

  • Waking up the next morning feeling groggy with a sore anus is a perfectly normal experience after "celebrating" a particularly good game of hockey at the pub.

  • If your team is losing and you're looking for something fun to do, have a beer every time a CBC announcer mis-pronounces a non-Maple Leaf player's name. If you don't end up in the hospital getting your stomach pumped, you're not listening hard enough.

  • No matter how much you suck in your gut, the cute bartender chick ain't gonna sleep with ya.

  • If you're attending a game, remember that no matter what people tell you, do not strip off your clothes and jump onto the ice. Humiliation, arrest and shrinkage may result.

  • Instead of a hockey jersey and ball-cap, try wearing women's makeup and a feather boa to the game or pub. This will enable you to enjoy the game in a whole new way.

  • When facing Don Cherry, be sure to wear garlic and carry a cross. In cases of extreme emergency chant the words, "Bobby Orr would've looked great in a Toronto uniform."

  • A good rule of thumb regarding hockey-game etiquette is that if a goal is scored by your team, you should stand up, cheer, and hug the person beside you. It's not gay if you initiate.

  • Canada's pubs are home to many magnificent forms of indigenous females. Be sure to bring a rifle with plenty of stopping power.

  • To best enjoy the playoffs, attempt to speak the word, "Go," followed by the word, "Habs," and then "Go" again. After a brief pause, repeat the three words again. After repeating this action thousands of times, you will almost certainly be having the time of your life. (Results may vary.)
  • Tuesday, March 25, 2008


    MONTREAL - After Monday night's dominating 2-period performance against their arch-rival, the Ottawa Senators, the Montreal Canadiens have clinched a playoff spot with more than 1 game remaining for the first time in [probably] 37 years. As a result, in a stunning reversal of conventional wisdom and policy, GM Bob Gainey announced that, for the duration of the '07-'08 season, failure is now an option.

    Gainey spoke to the media in a post-game press conference, "we are proud to revoke failure's non-optional status, effective immediately." Banging his fist on the table, he continued, "Now our players will be able to step back, stare down the hardship and difficulty they will face in the pursuit of success, and say, 'To Hell with that; this isn't worth it.'"

    "The players on this roster have always been told that they should succeed at all costs," coach Guy Carbonneau added. "But based on our clinching a plyoff berth, is there really a point in wasting all that energy? I mean, look at our friends in Toronto. Failure seems to be the mantra over there. Why can't we be lazy for once?"

    As a result of the new policy, some pundits predict that the majority of Habs players will now opt out of their previous obligation to give it 110 percent.

    Although failure was not officially considered an option until today, there have in fact been several cases of it over the course of the season. Micheal Ryder, Saku Koivu and Guillaume Latendress have been massive dissappointments for almost the entire season.

    While the ability to openly fail without detrimental consequence has been embraced by the players, some, such Steve Bégin, claim it will have negative long-term effects for the team.

    "A few weeks ago, even mentioning that you might willingly give it less than your all would have been unthinkable," Bégin said. "It's a disgrace that we are more inclined to simply not get going, especially when the said going could be classified as 'tough.'"

    Thursday, March 20, 2008


    Plekanec Needs a HugMONTREAL - Mere days ago, Alex Kovalev of the Montreal Canadiens released a DVD for charity. Tomas Plekanec was moved by the donation and has been trying to find a manly way to give Kovalev a hug ever since.

    Despite spending the entire season racking up points and impressing his line-mate, Plekanec still finds it difficult to find an appropriately masculine way to hug Kovalev after a job well done.

    "It's odd, because on the ice, after we score, it's easy to rush into each other's arms and say 'good job, bro,' but off the ice, it's just awkward," said Plekanec, who recounted several other awkward hug attempts, including a particularly ill-conceived attempt in the locker-room shower.

    "I think I'm going to try out something different today, like 'nice DVD, douche-bag,' then I'll apologize and we'll hug."

    When asked for comment, Kovalev simply laughed and said, "Well that explains a lot. I mean, the guy kept trying to 'get close' to me. And when you combine that with that turtleneck thing he wears, well, let's just say I'd reached some conclusions."

    Wednesday, March 19, 2008


    From Minsk to Smolensk. From Severnaya Brovyev to St-Pêtersburgh; Hamilton is the Russian Sacha doll that just keeps on giving.
    "How do you explain such a wealth of Ivans, Guy?" asked your tactless reporter.
    "We're the only team that has Levis jeans as a signing bonus." laughed the coach, after which he added,
    "Hey, hey, don't write that down; it was a joke!"
    Too late, Guy.
    Mikael Grabovski joins the swelling ranks of snot-nosed kids that have taken this Mtl Canadien team and shoved it up the NHL's food disposer. With the rest of the North-East scrambling to lay down a situation report on the Habs and to prepare in situ hypothetical scenarios with Grabovski added to the algorithm, it is safe to say, that they are Panicking.
    Who can stop this terrible Russian fleet? Don Cherry? Guess again.
    The last of the Leningrad Legion is in Montreal. With the new Superliga contracts being beholden to the Far East, no more talent will ever lay sway in the NHL as they do in Montreal.
    The Time is Now.
    The Future is Here.
    So what are you gonna do about it, Guy?
    "For starters, I ain't sayin' **** to you no more, you moth...." (technical difficulties)
    More updates as events warrant.

    Friday, March 14, 2008


    MONTREAL - Michael Ryder, 27, forward for the Montreal Canadiens, has not been as productive as he was the last few seasons; coincidently, before the loss of his virginity.

    "Ryder's been here almost five years, and he's always been a pretty decent goal scorer," said teammate, and noted womanizer, Mark Streit. "But this season, he just hasn't been himself. It's almost as if scoring goals and winning hockey games is no longer his top priority."

    "Heck, I've been in the business for a lot of years, and Ryder could show me new ways to score. I mean the guy can slap it and wrist it!" said coach Guy Carbonneau. "I'm talking hockey right now."

    Described by acquaintances as "not all that socially skilled," Ryder lost his virginity at pal Christopher Higgins' party. Drunk on Goldschlager, Ryder abandoned his usual method of taco-related conversations and, at approximately 1:30am, Ryder and Higgins' cousin, Maggie, found themselves alone, where "one thing led to another."

    "As Maggie and I sat together watching the sun come up, she informed me that she has a boyfriend or might be gay," Ryder said. "But we made a vow not to regret anything that happened that night. I know I sure haven't."

    Though Ryder used to make excuses to avoid group social events, he has been seeking them out of late.

    "Mike's always up for coming over to my house and teaching me how to play World of Warcraft," said best friend and continued virgin Greggory Sparks. "Now, he just wants to go to parties. He's all like, 'Is anyone having a party this weekend?' God, Mike, get a life."

    With the recent success of the Canadiens, teammates and fans alike are looking for a total resurgence of Ryder's goal scoring prowess. Perhaps the frustrated Alex Kovalev put it best: "Now is a great time for this team, but Mike's completely blowing it. Maybe I shouldn't worry, though. Sooner or later, he'll come to his senses. He'll realize that getting laid is temporary, but hockey is forever."

    Monday, March 10, 2008


    We were all gathered at Pierre Trudeau Airport to await the return of the St-Flanelle. As the players started to pour onto the concourse, the obvious question in all our minds was,
    Did Grabovski make the flight?
    He had. And so the team is back after a .500 road series which has led them from the silicone streets of San Jose through the Desert of Gretzky to the sandy beaches of King Cali. All in all, fellas? Great tan. And the Canadiens proved they can also be beaten by the Stanley Cup Ducks, sending the rest of the League cowering in fear.
    "If the Ducks can beat them, I don't know what we can do...", stammered Martin Brodeur to your courageous reporter in the Devil's shower-room.
    "When I found out that our lords and masters, the canadiens, lost to Anaheim, I told Coach Murray that I was scared and I wanted to go home.", admitted Daniel Alfredsson to your surprised reporter in the Senator massage-room.
    "Strovonotski druska bretnev bronki visna.", Evgeni Malkin was heard to remark. Your curious reporter doesn't understand Russian, but we were in the rub-down room.
    Point is, the coming week holds the keys to the Eastern Conference and a strangle-hold on the Eastern Division. The Canadiens are back in Canada, ready to stake their claim on the snow-blowers on special at Canadian Tire.
    Will Mikael see the ice again, Coach Guy?
    "He's got to Grab his opportunities.", giggled Carbonneau.

    Tuesday, March 4, 2008


    MONTREAL - In recent weeks, the Montreal Canadiens have proven to their fans and their critics that they really know how to smurf. Night-in and night-out they've shown their smurfing prowess.

    The smurfing began in late Smurfember right around the time where the top smurf on the roster got a smurf in his smurf. After that, there was no smurfing his smurf and the Canadiens really started to smurf.

    Off the ice, the Canadiens have jelled as a unit. This has added to their chemistry and has allowed them to get their smurf on with a minimal amount of smurfing. Indeed, if there is any smurf on this team, it's hidden by all the smurf.

    And with Gainey Smurf at the helm and Alex Smurfalev leading the way, the Canadiens will be the top smurfs in the Smurf Conference for a long smurf to come.

    Perhaps even the Smurf Cup is within reach?

    Sunday, March 2, 2008


    The Red Army marches on. Systematically crushing any who stand in their way, inexorably pursuing the goal of total and utter Victory. A terrible posse crashing into defender's flanks like a tsunami in a domino contest. The Canadiens are back.
    High atop the Bell Center Tower, Bob Gainey sits on his thrown and throws piercing glares into his Time Crystal. Everything that has transpired so far has done so according to the grand Design. He smirks in recollection,
    "I grow tired of asking, Daniel, so it will be for the last time; will you join?"
    "No. The pastures are greener yonder, my lord, I will go thither."
    "So be it." Krack-ka-boom! See Flyers with broken wing. See Flyers fly. Woops!
    And then,
    Marion is traded to Pittsburgh. A new enemy? Krack-ka-boom! Woops! Are ye allright there, lad?
    Do only the Devils remain ahead of the Flanelle? Ugly horned wonders, Bob, whatever shall we do?
    "Who doth play the Devils next?"
    The Capitals, my lord.
    "Bring me Huet; I would have words with him."
    Huet, my lord? But why?
    "Yours is not to question but to obey. Obey me. For I have a Plan."
    Yes, my lord.

    Thursday, February 28, 2008


    MONTREAL - With Pierre Houde taking a "grooming day," RDS has announced that it will attempt an alternative method of covering Friday night's match between the Montreal Canadiens and the Buffalo Sabres. The game will be broadcast entirely from the perspective of colour man, Yvan Pednault.

    It is unclear from RDS if this experiment will be a one-time only occurance, or if there will be several "Yvan PednaultVision" attempts.

    Fans are "intrigued but not overly enthusiastic" about the idea of Yvan getting side-tracked from in-game events to talk about other sports, family, or just his socks. Some fans are worried about the dead-air that could arise from Pednault's frequent stares into nothingness. Old ladies and children are already trembling at the thought of the creepy smile he oft-gives to the camera.

    However, one thing is for certain: with Pednault watching, almost everyone on the ice will be scorned for at least one mauvaise jeu.

    Wednesday, February 27, 2008


    If ever there was any doubt, Bob Gainey has dissipated them. An impact player was wanted at the trade deadline and while many thought Hossa might don the Tricolore, the GM bamboozles the NHL planet by once again pulling a rabbit out of his hat. The hat is Hamilton. The rabbit is Grabovski. Eastern conference stunned at Bob's moxy, spunk and wherewithal.
    Cristobal Huet sent to Washington for 9-week supply of Aunt Jemimah's Super Fluffy Cakes and a second-round pick for 2009. "We needed to address a lack in our dressing-room", says Bob, "We had an excellent offensive player, an 8-cylinder player, playing on only 6 cylinders. We knew how to motivate him, but we had run out of pancakes. Unfortunately, we had to pay a high price to get another supply and Washington saw that oppurtunity to dangle their spring-time fresh, oh so delicious, stuffy, fluffy, super-pancakes. They wanted Huet. It was a difficult choice for this organization but we decided, I decided, that we needed this player's commitment to the team had to be reinforced and the only way to do that was to have more pancakes. Once that promise was made from this organization to him, well, he scored 4 goals in 3 games, so we're on the right track."
    The Priceberg takes number 1 duties. His era is now a sterling 1-0-0. Jaroslav Halak on being called up, "I'm really happy to be back, obviously, but with the Priceberg playing perfectly in his era, I just hope I can see the net this year!"
    More updates as events warrant.

    Saturday, February 23, 2008


    Expect to see the Bleu-Blanc-Rouge pull out all the stops tonight as Montreal celebrates and honors the accomplishments of Bob Gainey. A sell-out crowd is awaited at the Bell Center tonight in what will only be later described as an extraordinary extravaganza of excellence.

    Tune in to CBC on Saturday night and prepare to witness a love-fest, the likes of which this world has never witnessed.Why we're going to be there tonight? Because tonight is about Bob Gainey. Tonight is about what Bob Gainey has done for the Montreal Canadiens. Tonight is about why Bob Gainey is seeing his banner lifted. One man. One reason.

    Alexei Ibrahamovich Kovaliov.Thank you, Bob. And God bless. Enjoy your night.

    Also, Bob Gainey once played for the Canadiens, so they even have a number he wore.

    Friday, February 22, 2008


    MONTREAL - With the trade deadline looming, Canadiens GM Bob Gainey has kept his cards close to his chest saying only that his intent is to try to land an "impact player." However, sources close to Gainey have indicated that the Canadiens are "very close" to completing a trade that would bring LeBron James to Montreal.

    In return, the Cleveland Cavaliers would receive season tickets, the Gazette's Pat Hickey and a life-size poster of Michael Ryder.

    James' name has surfaced numerous times in Internet trade rumours, however, never has it been stated that he would change cities, teams and even sport.

    The trade might prove to be a risky move for the Canadiens as it is unclear at this point if James will learn to skate in time for the playoffs.

    Tuesday, February 19, 2008

    Priceberg named 3rd star of the week in NHL

    Four tumultuous games after his recall, Le Priceberg is now wallowing in controversy. A goalie controversy, that is. NHL adds fuel to the fire by naming the upstart 3rd star of the week.
    Carbonneau is frantically managing this crisis by forcing his team to don skates and make their way around the icey Bell Center Rink. "I'm trying to get their minds away from this controversy and back to the game." could have possibly said the coach through an anonymous tip.
    When confronted on this, both Huet and Price denied that their relationship was anything but supportive and encouraging. Lies. Controversy! So ascertains your objective reporter.
    Here come the Rangers, resolved to avenge their goofy orange buddies, who were so ignomin-ignomon-igmini-badly swept in the regular season by the Glorious Ones, by possibly sweeping us in turn. Run-ons ensue as tensions rise.
    Reached for comment before hopping on the ice, Yammy Yager was made available to your reluctant reporter.
    "First off, two things." Yammy said. "Your fly's undone and do you know if Komisarek is playing tonight?"
    Ooooh. Oh, he's playing. And he's coming after you, Jags. Be prepared.

    Friday, February 8, 2008


    MONTREAL - After a string of unsolved rat-tailings in the locker room, Montreal Canadiens players are appluading over-zealous and often benched Patrice Brisebois who has taken it upon himself to guard the poor, unprotected and naked asses of his fellow team-mates with extreme prejudice.

    When interviewed, Brisebois quoted, "if the coaching staff is turning a blind eye to this, then it's up to me to stop this scum."

    Many players withdrew their approval of Brisebois' actions after two unnamed players failed to comply to his new rule and were caught walking around the locker room wearing towels after a post-game shower last week and were found brutally peanut-buttered.

    Tuesday, February 5, 2008


    Montreal - Montreal Canadiens defenceman Mike Komisarek was inducted to the Doritos Hall of Fame on Monday after eating 3 bags of the cheesy snack in one sitting. The induction was carried out in a lavish ceremony held in Montreal's Bialik High School‎ gymnasium.

    Honored for his commitment to Doritos Taco chips, Komisarek was excited to meet other taco legends such as Bill Cosby, Kevin James, Ryan Secrest and Alf.

    Through tears of joy, Komisarek accepted the Golden Chip and spoke to the 27 fans in attendence, "When I ate those Doritos last week, I never imagined I'd wind up here."

    Komisarek is expected to eat another bag later this month.

    Wednesday, January 30, 2008


    MONTREAL - In the first game back after the All-Star break, the Canadiens dominated the Washington Captitals from start to finish and skated to a 4-0 victory. Cristobal Huet made 35 saves for his second shutout of the season and Alex Kovalev continued his hot streak with a goal in the final minute.

    However, the big story of the night came as a result of a single goal. Saku Koivu netted his 10th goal of the season at 18:24 of the first period off a beautiful behind-the-net feed from Steve Bégin. As Koivu skated past the Montreal bench handing out the traditional high-fives, he had a noticeable look of relief on his face.

    Little known to the public was that the Montreal mafia had gotten just a little bit tired of the 6 game goal scoring drought and the fact that beyond that, Koivu had only scored 1 goal in his last 15 games. In anger, the powerful crime syndicate did what any normal Habs fan would do.

    They called a hit on Koivu.

    The goal gave Koivu a two-game goal-scoring streak, but more than that, it saved his life. Mafia representative Joey "Joseph" Agostino, indicated that his clients were suitably impressed with the performance and that Koivu's life was to be spared, "just this once," and that people need to "watch their backs," and "go to the casino."

    Agostino added that, unfortunately, as his clients had already acquired the services of a "fairly expensive" hit-man, they would be "putting Micheal Ryder on notice."

    Friday, January 25, 2008


    NEW JERSEY - Michael Ryder has had a tough season. Between struggling to score and being kept out of the lineup, Ryder has found himself wanting more. He has found himself wanting pancakes.

    And the team isn't delivering.

    Ryder has yet to openly demand a trade but the Canadiens forward has certainly indicated that he will reflect upon his future in Montreal if management doesn't give him delicious fluffy pancakes with blueberry sauce by the conclusion of the All-Star break.

    The versatile 27-year-old, who can play forward and warm the bench, was not unhappy about being benched for the third period of last night's win in New Jersey. However, he was disappointed when the trainer passed him a towel instead of a plate of steaming flapjacks.

    The benching and lack of pancakes marked the eighth time this season that Ryder has had to suffer through the situation. Each time, he has taken it hard.

    He said he would discuss with his family and his dog, Pooky, as to where his hockey future lies.
    "I'm not saying I want out, I'm just saying I want pancakes," he said. "No one wants to go through life without pancakes. But I'm not requesting a trade or anything like that. All I'm saying is that I want my fluffycakes, and we'll go from there."

    "It's unfortunate he feels this way," Carbonneau said of Ryder. "But he's from Newfoundland, so what do you expect?"

    Thursday, January 24, 2008


    MONTREAL - After losing their ninth consecutive game to the formidable Canadiens on Tuesday night - by a score of 8-2 - the Boston Bruins are confident that they can come close to beating the Habs someday.

    "We've got them where we want them," said Bruins head coach Claude Julien in a press conference held on Wednesday. "By which I mean we've gotten their confidence to a point where they know they can beat us without trying. That may be true, but we did score two goals against them on Tuesday, something they weren't expecting. That's the kind of team we believe we are, and I think one day, we'll prove that."

    Despite only two more meetings remaining on this year's schedule, Julien and his assistant coaches have been spending all their available time painstakingly breaking down game films from their previous 9 clashes with the Canadiens. They've analyzed every play, every move, every save, and every goal for anything that might help them come close to maybe scoring one or two more some day.

    Julien acknowledged to the media that the Canadiens are indeed the better team, but that his Bruins believe they can draw on the experience of the two goals from Tuesday night's ridiculously humliating loss and maybe make it a close game the next time they meet... Maybe.

    "This team really believes they can one day come out of a game against those guys without feeling tremendous shame." Julien paused, then added, "and that's what we need... Dreams."

    Meanwhile, the Canadiens are being careful not to give the Bruins any additional confidence.

    "Yeah, well, sure they suck against us, but you should have seen how close they came to beating Toronto the other night," said forward Christopher Higgins. "They've got a good team, you know, I guess..."

    Still, the Bruins refuse to be completely intimidated.

    "We almost beat them back in '05," Julien said, noting that in that game, more than 3 years ago, the Bruins scored three times in a 7-3 nail-biter. "Read my lips," he said. "We're going score 4 one of these days."

    As the press conference ended, Julien thanked the media and, as he got up to leave, was heard to say, "crap, we're never gonna beat these guys."

    Tuesday, January 22, 2008


    MONTREAL - After Saturday's terrible loss to the Crosby-less Pittsburgh Penguins, Montreal Canadiens bench-boss, Guy Carbonneau vowed to reporters that his players wouldn't fall back on old clichés and would instead skate harder and win battles against the boards.

    When interviewed, captain Saku Koivu agreed with his coach, "He's right. Every time we lose, we seem to shrug it off with all these clichés. Well not this time," he said. "For our game on Tuesday, we're just going to go out there and keep it simple. We really just want to focus on our game and take it one shift at a time."

    Resurgent forward Alex Kovalev added, "Our goalies have really bailed us out this year. Our young guys really have to step up and contribute defensively."

    In an effort to kick-start struggling forward Michael Ryder's season, Carbonneau promoted him to the first line with Christopher Higgins and Koivu. Ryder was happy with the promotion and commented to reporters, "I know I'm struggling right now. So if I can just focus on working hard and avoiding these clichés, hopefully things will start going my way."

    Assistant coach Kirk Muller said he was proud of the effort guys were giving on a nightly basis but warned that some of the players needed to "be more consistent" and "play a full 60 minutes."

    Carbonneau was optimistic about the Tuesday night's home-game against Boston (a team the Canadiens have gone 5-0 against so far this season). "All it takes is a couple of bounces to go our way. Tonight could be our night. We just need to go out there and give 110% and we'll get that much needed 'W'.

    "If we can avoid all these clichés, we should be okay. So long as we win puck battles and get some more shots on goal and traffic in front of the net, we there's no reason we shouldn't be able to skate to a victory."

    NOTES: Steve Bégin will return from an upper body injury in time to play in Tuesday night's game.

    Wednesday, January 16, 2008


    NEW YORK - Responding to critics claiming that he is a "puck hog" and "not a team player," forward Alex Kovalev gathered up 2 points and a +3 differential in last nights game against the New York Islanders. Kovalev set up Tomas Plekanec's second goal and scored his own into an empty net at 19:32 of the 3rd period to ice the game.

    When questioned as to why he elected to take the empty net goal himself instead of passing off to a wide-open Plekanec for a hat-trick, Kovalev angrily responded, "look: everything I do out there, every play, every point, every deak, I do as a team." Kovalev then hugged himself and slapped his butt.

    Monday, January 14, 2008


    Last Saturday the New York Rangers played host to our beloved Montreal Canadiens. You may have watched the game, seen highlights or read about it somewhere. What you were told by the media was that the Canadiens played a terrible game and were defeated dramatically by the Rangers.

    They were lying to you.

    Sure, the Canadiens lost. Sure it was terrible. But they did it on purpose.

    Before the game, Henrik Lundqvist approached Rangers team owner James Dolan regarding a religious issue. Lundqvist had been mired in a slump of sorts for quite some time. In an effort to improve his game, Lundqvist spent an evening with Jimmy Fallon (of SNL fame) in hopes of getting some sound advice. After several lines of cocaine, Lundqvist became a devout Aztec.

    As a result, Dolan requested a meeting with Canadiens owner George Gillette (and inevitably coach Guy Carbonneau). In their discussion, Lundqvist explained that January 12th was a special day for him; one that involved him committing a personal sacrifice to the Aztec sun god, Huitzilopochtli (Huey, for short).

    Not wanting to anger any gods, especially one controlling the sun, the Canadiens brass decided to throw the game. Hence the terrible play and lack of goal scoring. Yet another reason to respect and cheer for our team! Good job, boys!

    Happily, the Rangers won the game and Lundqvist was allowed to stab himself in the penis and offer up the blood to Huitzilopochtli thereby appeasing him.

    Now you know.


    Since you're a fan of the Canadiens (and if you're not, you should be), you are no doubt wondering why people are always pissing on our team. Between TV, newspapers, Toronto Maple Leafs fans and my grandmother, the Montreal Canadiens players are always taking crap. The problem is, we don't know why... They are the single greatest sports franchise in the history of mankind.

    Everything the Habs do - from dominating victory to debilitating loss - is all part of a plan. The plan is to win. Maybe not to today or even tomorrow, but sometime in the near future. The point is to keep you guessing. "Oh! Is today the day?!?" You never know...

    The goal of this site is to get you in on the inside. We'll break down every game and every trade. You think you know what's happening in Montreal? Think again...