Saturday, November 21, 2009


President Barack Obama reacts to Capital calamity as the American Coast Guard reports no survivors amidst the wreckage of the U.S.S. Washington. An urgent White House press conference was announced on Saturday morning to address the issue and since your lucky reporter just happened to be in the city to attend a comic book convention, he was able to forge a press-pass in time to see the president take the podium.
“There are patriots who opposed the game in Montreal and there are patriots who supported the game in Montreal. We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to the stars and stripes, all of us defending the United States of America.”
The most powerful destroyer in the Eastern fleet hit a Priceberg last night half a mile near Ville-Marie inlet, capsizing the ship and sending all aboard to a watery grave. Many in the nation’s capital are left to wonder how the most sophisticated weaponry in the League with the most state-of-the-art technology could not get past the Ville-Marie, hardy a threat to Eastern stability. President Obama admitted there may have been some oversight on the matter.
“When we think of the major threats to our national security, the first to come to mind are nuclear proliferation, rogue states and global terrorism. But another kind of threat lurks beyond our shores, one from nature, not human – a Priceberg.”
The president was then hurried off-stage by burly, frowning men in black with the press secretary indicating that the president was headed off to a crisis meeting concerning this development with his advisors and the Chiefs of Staff while the rest of us just stood there not understanding what it all meant.
“We did not expect that, and I can speak authoritatively for the President on this; we thought the waters would part and everything would be easy over the course of our trip to Montreal," said Robert Gibbs, the White House press secretary, “we certainly did not expect to hit a Priceberg, no.”
We were told there would be more updates as events warrant.

Friday, November 6, 2009


BOSTON - Here at HabsBros we get the stories that others can't (or possibly just don't bother with). But that's what makes us special. Take for example all the injuries the Canadiens' players have had this year. Other news outlets have all reported the same thing; upper-body, lower-body, out-of-body, etc. But we give you more.

Sure we know the player is injured. Sure we know how long the player is going to be out. But do we really know the whole story?

You may have noticed that Jaroslav Halak was reported as not being 100% before last night's game in Boston. Wow... How vague is that? Well, here's the real scoop my friends:

After a a bit of a crazy night, Halak was checked out by the team doctors (or possibly a drunk hobo, it's hard to tell) after Halak reported a slight tummy-ache. Well, Dr. Hobo checked out Halak's boo-boo and yours truly was able to see the the chart. Here's the disturbing results:

According to Dr. Hobo's assessment, Halak has pacreatitis, hepatitis, bone disease, intestinal parasites, skin cancer, lung cancer, hair cancer, ingrown rib, elbow cancer, herpes, dysentery, broken pelvis, internal bleeding, external bleeding, blood clots, swine flu, spanish flu, kung flu, trench foot, athlete's foot, archer's elbow, cholera, four brain tumors, seven kidney stones, sleep apnea, and heart disease.

Halak was given a couple of Aspirin and is expected to be better by the weekend.

More updates as events warrant.

Thursday, November 5, 2009


BOSTON - In a surprising move, the Montreal Canadiens have announced that forward Brian Gionta will be working from home today.

Gionta's recent efforts on the ice in past games and the toll it has taken on him has figured largely in his decision to work from home today. Gionta admitted that when he's at the rink, he can barely spend more than thirty seconds on the ice before someone calls on him to do something or other with passing, shooting, or some other form of playing professional hockey.

"I'm really starting to get overloaded with hockey-related tasks and I actually have a better rink at home than they do over there in Boston," Gionta said in a phone interview I'm totally not making up.

Gionta admitted that he would probably work from home more often if not for Sergei Kostitsyn constantly coming over and asking to play too.

More updates as events warrant.

Monday, November 2, 2009


MONTREAL — As your humble reporter hid quietly in the laundry hamper amid the sweaty socks and arid jock-straps, he was witness to a most unusual happening.

Toronto Maple Leafs defenceman Luke Schenn walked over to the Montreal Canadiens' locker room and informed a celebrating Habs squad that his team could hear "everything" they were saying about the Leafs' poor performance following their 5-4 overtime loss on Saturday.

"Listen, it's just not very sportsmanlike to call our goalie a 'choke artist' and our entire team 'a bunch of losers,'" Schenn said to the Habs, who fell completely silent when Schenn first entered the room.

"Is this what you guys are about? Kicking a team when they're down?" Schenn continued, "Kind of takes away from all that 'good game' crap we just did on the ice, doesn't it? You should all be ashamed of yourselves."

While Schenn was delivering his speech, the entire Canadiens roster failed to suppress laughter, forcing Schenn to tell them several times that he was serious and didn't know what was so funny.

More updates as events warrant.