HABSBROS CELEBRATE 16,531 HITS

THE WORLD - We at HabsBros would like to extend a special thank you to all our dedicated readers out there that have helped us reach the milestone of 16,531 hits.

It's been a long time since we originally opened the site in 1937 and with an average of 0.6 hits per day, it was only a matter of time before we finally reached this incredible milestone.

At this rate, we'll reach the often overlooked milestone of 1 million hits by the year 4566, which is right around the time that the Leafs will win another Stanley Cup. So keep on visiting and we'll keep writing the same quality crap we've been writing for the last 72 years.

Happy new year!

NHL INVESTIGATES PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING HUGS

MONTREAL — In recent months, the National Hockey League has begun to investigate charges that some members of the NHL have used performance-enhancing hugs before and during games.

"These people have no shame," NHL commissioner Gary Bettman said Monday. "Right before a big game, some of these guys will shoot-up on love, sometimes from other players, but other times even from a family member. Shockingly, some players have even been known to exchange hugs during the game itself."

Some hockey insiders have long attested to widespread hug use among players. However, the full scope of the problem was not understood until late October, when McGill University performed a study which showed huge spikes in self-respect, and "warm, fuzzy" feelings.

Disgusting.

After reviewing the study, the NHL began an internal investigation and a full-out review of hug-use policies.

"The problem we're seeing is that hug users have a distinct advantage over the hug-free due to being pumped up with confidence," Bettman said. "In our game, endurance and skill are key factors. Hugs serve to artificially heighten a players stamina. Put simply, it's unethical."

The Canadiens in particular have been singled out primarily due to the actions of F George Laraque after he admitted to frequent hug use.

"When people hug me, it makes me feel like I'm the best and that they love me and I can win," Big George told your humble reporter. "I'm a winner!"

Laraque confirmed McGill's study wherein the results seem to indicate that hugs are most often taken during games right after a goal has been scored; a revelation that has shocked the hockey world. In today's NHL, this happens more frequently than ever before.

For Laraque, post-goal hug have become fewer and further between. His urges are heightened each time he is on the ice for an opposing team's goal and is forced to watch the euphoria ensue as the enemy mercilessly hugs each other in front of him; an event that happens all to regularly these days.

Laraque's addiction rages so deeply, that he has been known to join an opposing team after a goal against just for a taste of that sweet juice that is the warm embrace.

In the search for hug users, the NHL has gone over literally hundreds of hours of tape, hoping to catch huggers in the act. They are also relying on testimony from hug users such as Laraque.

"George really stood his ground at first, saying he didn't want to give up his friends due to some kind of 'code'," Bettman said. "That all changed when we promised him a Happy Meal."

More updates as events warrant.

MARKOV CONSPIRACY OFF THE Q.T. AND ON THE RECORD

Recent grumblings across Hab Nation question the anticipated return of defenceman Andrei Markov to the Beautiful Team after an expected four-month layaway, now revised.
It is no secret that apart from acting as the springing board for all Montreal attacks, Andrei Markov represents the whole of Team Russia’s defence and the glue that holds the entire team together. No Markov, no Russia.
By knowing certain doors, greasing certain jams, and bribing certain people, one can access the Bell Centre phone transcripts in the third sub-level of the east wing basement and with the proper tools, jimmy certain file-drawers in which they are held. This is what your dedicated reporter did.
(SUN. NOV. 15. 09) “Hello?”
-“Mr.Bob, my friend!”
-“Dmitriy?”
-“My friend, Bob!”
-“What can I do for you?”
-“You send Markov outside; we take home and fix. That’s what you do for your friend Dmitriy.”
-“Uhh, I don’t think we can do that, the rules say…”
-“I think of this already, my friend Bob.” We have maskirovka prepared. We have man looks like Markov, but not real Markov. You make walk around and smile, no problem. But no talking. Team not know difference; media not know difference, even mother not know difference. But no talking, Bob. Very important. In the meanwhile, you send real Markov out and we take home and fix with Eastern healing methods.”
-“Listen, Mr.President, I really appreciate what you guys…”
-“Car is downstairs; do not make me come up.”
(Connection terminated.)
Barely 24hrs later, Andrei Markov was knee-deep in Mongolian outback, trudging through pain and snow, and frequently whacked in the back by a bamboo stick held by a very stern and grizzled old man (who, by a happy set of incredible circumstances, your faithful reporter happens to be pen-pals with). “PUSH the snow; not WALK the snow! Push the snow.” Whack!
He was brought to a hidden monastery and told to polish the whole marble floor with spit-shine rags tied to his feet. Markov tried to explain he was there for medical treatment but a quick strike from the bamboo stick interrupted his lament. “POLISH marble; not WIPE the marble! Polish marble.” Whack!
Furthermore, there were only Turkish bathrooms in the place, which meant Markov was forced to squat to pee, and since his diet consisted mainly of rice soup with vegetables and a piece of mutton thrown in on Sundays, you can imagine how often he did this. Still the old man with the bamboo stick was there. “SQUAT to pee; not STAND to pee! Squat to pee.” Whack!
Four weeks passed thusly, fetching water from the well outside through the snow for the soup, polishing the floor he would dirty on his way to and fro, and peeing; all in all, a very drab affair which bordered alarmingly on the unpleasant and not at all in tune with the athlete’s exuberant disposition. Finally, he could take it no longer and rebelled. Markov pointed out rather piqued that he was there to be healed, not to do menial tasks for an old monkey and pee away his insides. The old man stared at him with a curious expression.
“Do ‘Push the Snow’” he said.
-“We’re inside!” Markov whined.
-“Do ‘Push the Snow’!”
As Markov began executing the movements, the old man turned his stick sideways and began cross-checking the NHLer in the chest. Markov pushed through easily. The surprise had barely registered before the old man added “Now, do ‘Polish Marble’!” The old man tried to trip up Markov using his stick to jab at an invisible puck but Markov evaded with brio. “Now, do ‘Squat to Pee’!” As Markov folded at the knees, the old man tried to keep him down by pushing on his shoulders but was cast off without difficulty at every rise.
“You are healed and may return to Canada now, Andrei. You will do proud Mother Russia. Dmitriy tell me to say that you not be seen in same place as your double when you get back or the maskirovka is kaput. He also say he will keep good eye on your family while you are in Vancouver. Dasvidaniya, comrade; I am off to write letter to reporter friend.”
Andrei Markov hurriedly caught the next badger-pulled sled outta the monastery, the next horse-drawn carriage outta the village, the next 78hp engine car outta town, the next taxi to the train station, the next train to the airport, and the next flight outta the country. Arrived in Montreal Thursday evening. Had a steak.
More updates as conspiracy warrants.

CHRIS LEE CONFESSES TO MONTREAL CRIME

Excerpt, Ville-Marie Inq. “Lee”: Due to the storm that befell the Central Hall and rendered the timber sodden, all events presented here took place in adjacent yard stable, large enough to accommodate the representatives of our dearest friends.
The accused was brought in to counsel four crows past Compline on the ninth day before second solstice. While accounts of heresy are to remain objective, there is no denying that the stink of evil instantly permeated the room and gasps of disgust could barely be stifled from the sober and stoic faithful there to witness an examination of the Method.
The accused was first asked to name himself and his profession. He answered that it was Chris Lee and that he was an official for the NHL and it is at this point that the Wise Prosecutor noticed the wretch’s first mistake.
Those in the room were made to notice how the accused puts the intonation in the word “official” as if to automatically take precedence over mortal men, which is a custom of demons that cannot contain their vanity. The accused began to deny these charges but was hotly informed by the Prosecutor that no one was here to play games. The charges were then read to the wretch and he was informed that it would be greatly preferred that he confess before nightfalll as the nights tended to get a bit cool rather swiftly.
The accused immediately countered with false freneticism that there was nothing for him to confess. The Wise Prosecutor thus observed how the accused, like all his kind, feel so justified in their quest to rape the natural world that they do not see the harm they cause nor even consider the crimes they have committed to be anything less than a biological mechanism akin to men breathing or sleeping.
The accused then began to speak as if a man, imitating our use of logic and reason to an uncanny degree, mentioning rules of the game and the blind strikes of chance that affect every second of every day in every walk of life, just as the Higher One had planned in His eternal wisdom, and that in fact, there was no crime, only a pendulum swing of dire fortune that one day, would quickly be rebalanced.
But the Wise Prosecutor was not to be tricked by mesmerism or hypnotism or other tools of the devil. There were other ways to elicit confessions once an accused refused the forthright and honourable one presented by the Wise Prosecutor at the start of the inquest.
It was then the hot chains were taken off the coals and fastened to the wretch’s wrists and the screams that rose from its throat were surely not those of a man. The curses hurled towards the Wise Prosecutor and even to the sober and stoic faithful were certainly not conceived in any human tongue as their very vileness caused even strong-willed Partisans to blanch.
Amidst the cacophony of evil, the Wise Prosecutor pointed at the being and made everyone in the room aware of how these creatures really behave when surrounded by the comfort of flames because it is in this comfort that they inevitably let their guard down and, assuming that they are back home in Hell and that they can only be speaking with their brethren, they divulge their true agendas.
And so it was the case with Lee. The accused readily confessed to both counts:
1) He was aware the goal was good and purposefully erased it by claiming his intention was to do so earlier regardless of the outcome. This shows premeditation of Sabotage.
2) He is full member of underground referee society whose sole intention is to bring about the downfall of the Holy Flannel Empire by affecting outcomes of events through fabricated penalties and corrupting themselves to our enemies. This shows premeditation of Treason.
Sentence to be carried out when temperatures warrant.

EVERYONE ON BENCH AFRAID TO TELL OVECHKIN ABOUT MISSING TOOTH

WASHINGTON - Recently, you may remember, your humble reporter was in Washington to report on the game between the Capitals and your Canadiens (the former being the one based in Washington). As yours truly awaited a totally unjustified hearing, a most interesting piece of news was overheard...

Allegedly, members of the Washington Capitals are opting not to tell superstar forward Alexander Ovechkin about the fact that he is missing one of his front teeth, saying they are fearful of the embarrassment it might cause him.

You may have seen recently that Matt Bradley played the Weeble Wobble to Paul Holmgren's fists the other night. Well, as he stood in the precinct pressing charges, he confessed to your dedicated reporter about the situation.

"Look," he said, "it's awkward because when he's on the bench trying to get us psyched up, there's this huge ugly gap in his mouth where he just keeps sticking his tongue." Bradly added that he just couldn't concentrate that night he got smoked by Holmgren because, even though Ovechkin wasn't playing, he couldn't shake the image of that time he saw a huge chunk of AAA steak stuck in that gap in Ovechkin's face.

Bradley admitted that the reason Ovechkin's been getting hurt recently is because the team is "missing assignments" in hopes that a few more teeth will get knocked out to even things up. "Our hope is he gets to be as pretty as Bob Clark."

As your arraigned reporter is well aware given familiarity with past Habs of the same nationality, it was a man's duty to warn Bradley, you don't fuck with powerful Russians.



More updates as events warrant.

U.S.S. WASHINGTON HITS PRICEBERG, NO SURVIVORS

President Barack Obama reacts to Capital calamity as the American Coast Guard reports no survivors amidst the wreckage of the U.S.S. Washington. An urgent White House press conference was announced on Saturday morning to address the issue and since your lucky reporter just happened to be in the city to attend a comic book convention, he was able to forge a press-pass in time to see the president take the podium.
“There are patriots who opposed the game in Montreal and there are patriots who supported the game in Montreal. We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to the stars and stripes, all of us defending the United States of America.”
The most powerful destroyer in the Eastern fleet hit a Priceberg last night half a mile near Ville-Marie inlet, capsizing the ship and sending all aboard to a watery grave. Many in the nation’s capital are left to wonder how the most sophisticated weaponry in the League with the most state-of-the-art technology could not get past the Ville-Marie, hardy a threat to Eastern stability. President Obama admitted there may have been some oversight on the matter.
“When we think of the major threats to our national security, the first to come to mind are nuclear proliferation, rogue states and global terrorism. But another kind of threat lurks beyond our shores, one from nature, not human – a Priceberg.”
The president was then hurried off-stage by burly, frowning men in black with the press secretary indicating that the president was headed off to a crisis meeting concerning this development with his advisors and the Chiefs of Staff while the rest of us just stood there not understanding what it all meant.
“We did not expect that, and I can speak authoritatively for the President on this; we thought the waters would part and everything would be easy over the course of our trip to Montreal," said Robert Gibbs, the White House press secretary, “we certainly did not expect to hit a Priceberg, no.”

We were told there would be more updates as events warrant.

INJURIES MOUNT FOR HABS

BOSTON - Here at HabsBros we get the stories that others can't (or possibly just don't bother with). But that's what makes us special. Take for example all the injuries the Canadiens' players have had this year. Other news outlets have all reported the same thing; upper-body, lower-body, out-of-body, etc. But we give you more.

Sure we know the player is injured. Sure we know how long the player is going to be out. But do we really know the whole story?

You may have noticed that Jaroslav Halak was reported as not being 100% before last night's game in Boston. Wow... How vague is that? Well, here's the real scoop my friends:

After a a bit of a crazy night, Halak was checked out by the team doctors (or possibly a drunk hobo, it's hard to tell) after Halak reported a slight tummy-ache. Well, Dr. Hobo checked out Halak's boo-boo and yours truly was able to see the the chart. Here's the disturbing results:

According to Dr. Hobo's assessment, Halak has pacreatitis, hepatitis, bone disease, intestinal parasites, skin cancer, lung cancer, hair cancer, ingrown rib, elbow cancer, herpes, dysentery, broken pelvis, internal bleeding, external bleeding, blood clots, swine flu, spanish flu, kung flu, trench foot, athlete's foot, archer's elbow, cholera, four brain tumors, seven kidney stones, sleep apnea, and heart disease.

Halak was given a couple of Aspirin and is expected to be better by the weekend.

More updates as events warrant.

GIONTA TO WORK FROM HOME TODAY

BOSTON - In a surprising move, the Montreal Canadiens have announced that forward Brian Gionta will be working from home today.

Gionta's recent efforts on the ice in past games and the toll it has taken on him has figured largely in his decision to work from home today. Gionta admitted that when he's at the rink, he can barely spend more than thirty seconds on the ice before someone calls on him to do something or other with passing, shooting, or some other form of playing professional hockey.

"I'm really starting to get overloaded with hockey-related tasks and I actually have a better rink at home than they do over there in Boston," Gionta said in a phone interview I'm totally not making up.

Gionta admitted that he would probably work from home more often if not for Sergei Kostitsyn constantly coming over and asking to play too.

More updates as events warrant.

LEAFS INFORM HABS THEY CAN HEAR COMMENTS FROM OTHER ROOM

MONTREAL — As your humble reporter hid quietly in the laundry hamper amid the sweaty socks and arid jock-straps, he was witness to a most unusual happening.

Toronto Maple Leafs defenceman Luke Schenn walked over to the Montreal Canadiens' locker room and informed a celebrating Habs squad that his team could hear "everything" they were saying about the Leafs' poor performance following their 5-4 overtime loss on Saturday.

"Listen, it's just not very sportsmanlike to call our goalie a 'choke artist' and our entire team 'a bunch of losers,'" Schenn said to the Habs, who fell completely silent when Schenn first entered the room.

"Is this what you guys are about? Kicking a team when they're down?" Schenn continued, "Kind of takes away from all that 'good game' crap we just did on the ice, doesn't it? You should all be ashamed of yourselves."

While Schenn was delivering his speech, the entire Canadiens roster failed to suppress laughter, forcing Schenn to tell them several times that he was serious and didn't know what was so funny.

More updates as events warrant.

RISK AND ETHNIC SLURS, GOMEZ AND KOSTITSYN DUKE IT OUT

An inside source to the festivities taking place September 26th at Scott Gomez’s luxurious, Greco-Roman-styled downtown apartment has revealed to your dedicated reporter that the alleged altercation between the assistant captain and the assistant Kostitsyn stemmed from a dispute that erupted over The Game of Risk. The source affirms that Sergei had given up his rights to Europe and South Africa for Afghanistan and Siberia. With Japan and China secured, and his hold over Yakutsk protected, he knew it would only be a matter of time before he could move Lapierre out of Irkutsk and Moen’s lone colony out of Siam, to which the 3rd-liner probably wouldn’t afford too many reinforcements since the brunt of his forces were in Africa. Then K Junior (pictured right) would have himself all the time in the world to push Gionta out of Ural and consolidate the whole of Asia and thereby collect some major military support.
With such a carefully strategized objective, it is therefore no wonder that he got so upset when, for no apparent reason, Gomez, who had his own fish to fry in North America, decided to cross the North Pacific and invade Kamchatka.
It was madness, the kid shrieked, why throw legions at him when all Latendresse has to do was WALK into Gomez’s Eastern United-States and then just TAKE his Northwest Territory?
To which Gomez responded that it was just a board-game and not to make a big deal out of it. He didn’t care that Gui! took the stupid Northwest Territory, he just wanted to throw a wrench in Junior’s works and watch him squirm.
My source goes on to say that the room then went very cold and a visible black sheen fell over Kostitsyn’s eyes. He proceeded to inform everybody in an eerily chilling voice that his grandfather was born in Kamchatka and he’d be damned to hell before he saw a “such-and-such-monkey-Yank” desecrate that land by even touching its shores.
Gomez suggested the kid take it easy.
Kostitsyn suggested Gomez eat “poop”. He then continued to promise that defending his land was now not enough. My source goes on: “He started to yell out a vow about, I don’t know, taking over Alaska out of principle and making Gomez and all of the Alaskan people slaves because they didn’t deserve any better. It was nuts. And then, he spit on the board! All over Alberta, a big goober right there in the guy’s apartment, in front of everyone! I couldn’t believe it! The kid’s nuts. That’s when Gomez lost it.”
A scuffle ensued and some punches were thrown but with teammates all around, they quickly intervened and separated the two. As of yet, the source in question was not able to say if this supposed altercation was a factor in the decision to send the young whippersnapper down to the AHL nor would he disclose who won the game. There is no doubt however, the source told your reliable reporter, that everyone learned a lot from The Game of Risk that night. More updates with cop's warrant.

CHILDREN CAN'T BRING THEMSELVES TO LOOK AT HABS ANYMORE

MONTREAL, PQ - Local seven-year-old Montreal Canadiens fan, Patricia Bucier revealed today that, try though she might, she simply can't bring herself to idolize the Habs anymore... "I mean, they're great and everything... Well, not anymore, but I guess they're okay now," said the life-long fan of Les Glorieux and The Wiggles.

It looks as though Bucier is not alone in her opinion.

Eight-year-old Robert "Billy" Pierce, sporting his favorite Kovalev jersey for the interview said, "Did anyone else notice [Hal] Gill? I mean, he's big, but he kinda reminds me of that slow kid in our class [artist's rendering on right], you know?" Then he banged his fist on the table (knocking over his Clifford lunchbox) and exclaimed, "For God's sake, I'm f*cking EIGHT and I'M the one noticing this?!?"

Pierre Dubois, nervously twirling his Thomas The Train Engine toy in his hands, admitted that watching his team on TV made his daddy drink and get angry. "But," he said, "Mommy gets me these cool toys after."

Your humble reporter was denied the ability to press for more information when he was escorted from the Carlyle Elementary School building by security.

BOB GAINEY ORDERS MOJO TO GO

Victory in Toronto came at a terrible price as superstar defenseman Andrei Markov was slashed by the Terrible Price in the ubilinian pedaphalangial quintacep tendon, an injury that would necessitate a 4-month healing period. This left your Montreal Canadiens up poop creek without a power play specialist, a zone-exitor extraordinaire, an overall nice guy, or a paddle for the next 81 games of the season and 23 in the playoffs.

The venerable general manager of the team Mr. Bob Gainey was suddenly served his first Crisis entrée like a knock out punch to the chops and he hadn’t even ordered an aperitif yet. Since your trustworthy reporter was cleaning the table, I had the chance to ask him what his next move would be. He remarked “We have young players ready to step up and play a larger role. Ryan O’Byrne comes to mind.”

When Mr. Bob Gainey came in last night, I asked him what his plans were now. He said “Bring me an aperitif and I’ll tell you.”
In all my years as beat reporter for the Beautiful Team, it was always Mr. Bob Gainey who showed the most candour when he showed anything at all. We have heard many colleagues complain that Mr. Bob Gainey never says anything when in fact, he just avoids us any extra work. Our colleagues want to work the same old clichés into their shtick every day, that’s their business. But as you well know, at Habsbros, we don’t work clichés. We get the straight dope.

So when Mr. Bob Gainey had swallowed half his mint julep and ordered Mojo to go, I was naturally taken aback.
“Mojo?”
“To go.”
“What kinda mojo you want?”
“OT-winner mojo.”
And that was it. He paid with a Sergei Kostitsyn, shook the chef’s hand, called a taxi, and headed off to the airport.
More updates as events warrant.

KOMISAREK EXPOSED AS AN ASSHOLE

TORONTO - New Maple Leafs defenceman, Micheal Komisarek, formerly a highly regarded rearguard in Montreal, was exposed on Thursday night when he triumphantly admitted to being an asshole.

"Look, I know you all know I'm an asshole," Komisarek, 27, told a roomful of reporters last night. "Well, that may be true, but I play for Toronto now. News flash: Torontonianites are assholes."

"So I'm an asshole," Komisarek added. "Deal with it."

Some pundits say Komisarek has a long history of being an asshole. In six seasons with Montreal, he had alienated virtually all of his teammates by blaming others for his failures and lying about injuries so as not to fight Milan Lucic and try his hand at coaching instead.

For Montreal fans however, Komisarek's exposure and recent admission that he's an asshole takes him to a whole new level of assholitude.

One reporter was heard saying later that evening, "[Komisarek] acted like outing his own assholiness somehow made it our problem, not his. What a dick."

"On his first day, when Michael made an elaborate show of learning my name, I could tell he was an asshole. But in a couple weeks, he changed from being an asshole who's proud of himself for knowing my name to the category of El Assholio Supremo del Mundo," Toronto goalie Vesa Toskala said (pictured right). "He really outdid himself."

The worry for most NHL players now is that, having declared himself a supreme unrepentant asshole, Komisarek can now gleefully explore the freedoms of his newfound role.


"The more of an asshole Michael is, the more air-time we get with Don Cherry, and the more games we get on CBC and TSN," said General Manager Brian Burke (pictured right with all his friends). "In Michael, you see a classic example of the cycle of escalating assholedom. Instead of hiding his assholishness and putting on a good show, he brags about it in the locker room as if it's a virtue, because he thinks it will benefit his career. But I don't believe for a minute that he's only an asshole for career advancement. For Micahel, being an asshole is its own reward."

When your humble reporter asked for comments on allegations that he was an asshole, Komisarek did not disagree.

"Hey, you're doing a story on me?" he asked. "Make sure you put it in huge letters on the front page: 'Kosisarek exposed as an asshole and he doesn't give a fuck whether you like it or not.' That'd be hilarious."

Wish granted, sir.

CANADIENS GO DOWN THE DRAIN

There was a time when people used to believe in stuff. Important stuff like beauty and magic and razzle-dazzle. But razzle-dazzle was seemingly putting a crimp in Bob Gainey's style. So he took action. Crazy, counter-productive action. A fitting conclusion to a crazy, counter-productive Centennial season.

At first, the free-agency market opened with the perfect traditional setting for the Montreal Canadiens. They were at centre stage of dire circumstances, already thought dead after a supposed disastrous trade with New York City that saw the talented but inconsistent (especially with open nets) scorer Chistopher Higgins, as well as the heavily-hyped wunderkind Ryan McDonagh, sent over for overpaid, underperforming centre Scott Gomez. The hounds were hounding, the fans were screaming but, bing, bam, zoom, Spacek, Cammalleri and Gionta came in to fill the void of Tanguay’s surprisingly unimpactful season despite relatively solid play, Komisarek’s lack of any ability whatsoever and, so we pondered, a player to be blamed later... Bob Gainey was a certified genius again.

For awhile, all was well; it seemed the Canadiens were merely pulling another one of their famous 3rd period comebacks, this time on the free-agent market, using Kovalev as the dramatic background motif. The grumblings after the McDonagh loss had quieted substantially. Calls to the asylum begging to come fetch the GM were stayed.

And then... Disaster. The Canadiens had been in dealings with star farward Alex Kovalev, true, but fearful they might be left with no dancing partner when the mercurial Russian could not decide quickly enough to sign, chose to scoop up Brian Gionta in his place! Kovalev and his fans were forced to realize that the Artiste’s tenure with the Canadiens had come to an abrupt and sickening end.

Now, the era of magic and razzle-dazzle and beauty is over the City that is Hockey. Journalistic integrity and objective disassociation forces me to conclude that with this single, solitary move after brilliant set pieces to acquire talent on the open market, Bob Gainey has chucked the Montreal Canadiens down the drain in spectacular fashion.

I took an oath as a reporter to report the facts. Here are the facts, undisputable, unassailable, and too often manifested to be considered anything less than mathematical certitudes.

Fact 1: Kovalev is the greatest guy in the world.
Fact 2: Kovalev is the greatest hockey player the universe ever spit out, even taking into account the existence of as-of-yet unexplored parallel universes.
Fact 3: Kovalev can score one-handed from anywhere within the blueline, yes, even from behind the net, smartypants, one-handed, eating popcorn.
Fact 4: Kovalev can deke out raindrops.
Fact 5: Kovalev can get a free car whenever he feels like it.
Fact 6: Kovalev once a-caught a burret wit his beh hans.
Fact 7: Kovalev will knock you right the hell out if you mess with him.
Fact 8: Kovalev’s Charisma is at Level 11, designation: Master Hypnotist. He needs not even speak for teammates to wither at his commanding Presence.

Now, those are the facts. Witnessed with our own eyes. Unimpeachable, unquestionable solid facts.

Any general manager interested in the concept of being the best of the best in the NHL, normally, you would think that the most skilled player to ever shake Mikael Gorbachev’s hand would be just the ticket in getting there, but apparently, the Montreal Canadiens were too skilled and not American enough for their liking. As it is their right to think so. And yet, some of us might be forgiven for thinking Bob Gainey a bit enigmatic in this approach. As always, none of your faithful reporter's tough questions could breach the general manager's demeanor, nor he could he cull any insight from his stoic gaze (pictured right).

And Ottawa must surely be commended for their marketing savvy in swooping in to collect the Russian Titan. Montreal is barely two hours away and they could sure use the attendance at the Corel Centre.

More updates as events warrant.

GAINEY MAKES FANS BELIEVE IN THE 'CH' AGAIN

MONTREAL - In the sixth - and likely final year - of his five-year plan, Bob Gainey has successfully pulled off what no other GM has been able to do for decades... He has made fans believe in the famous Montreal Canadiens crest.

This incredible task was achieved by what turned out to be the simplest of methods; get rid of every player on the roster that was every worth cheering for.

By removing the concept of individual greatness and character from the lineup, fans can no longer get behind any one man and chant his name. There is no one left to bitch and moan about on blogs and in the media. (Well, except for the Priceberg, but really, who watches hockey for the goaltending?)

Koivu, the ultimate champion at heart. He beat cancer. He beat the media. He beat my mother (and that's all I can say until after the hearing). His roots deep in the community. His heart on a pedestal. Gone...

Kovalev, the moody but extremely talented winger. Loved by fans whom he loved in return. A constant joy to watch. Gone...

Tangauy, Lang, Schnieder, Higgins. Gone, all.

So who's left? Markov? Have you ever heard him speak? Hamrlik? Please. Plekanec? He's only here because he has no choice. The Kostitsyn brothers? Well, if they're high they're okay. And rumour has it that's fairly often.

Latendress? Lapierre? Two years ago the only reason we cheered for them was because they were French and cracking the lineup. But they were second fiddle to the likes of Koivu and Kovelev.

Gomez? Gionta? The dude from Calgary who's name I'm still learning to spell? Spacec? Hill? Yeah... When I think Habs, I picture these guys.

So really, there's no one. We'll cling to someone by default, but in our hearts we'll know there is no one to cheer for. So all that is left is the logo. And that was likely Gainey's plan all along.

And then he'll leave.

Thanks Bob.

ROPE-A-DOPE

MONTREAL - As game 3 of the Eastern Conference Quarter-Finals looms upon us, the Montreal Canadiens' season appears to hang in the balance. Throngs of Habs supporters chew their nails - fingers and toes - as nervous butterflies make their presence felt. But fret not ye faithful...

We've got them where we want them...

Perhaps the season has looked like a massive poo-bomb to you? Perhaps the inconsistent play of Carey Price over the course of the entire regular-season had you worried? What of the fact that the Canadiens came into the playoffs with Saku "little shorty-pants" Koivu as their only legitimate offensive center?

Maybe you need reminding of just who the Kostitsyn brothers are? Let me help you... They are the brothers who got themselves into trouble for hanging around drug-dealers. You know the guys. They're the ones that got completely outplayed by Toronto's Mikhail Grabovski for just about the entire season.

Remember when Alex Kovalev was the one you wanted traded because he was bringing down the team? Oh! And what about that time when we all identified a defenseman as a pressing need so we went out and got some old geezer that will surely retire next season?

Of course you may be considering the fact that we fired the coach really late in the season and replaced him with the GM, a smart man to be sure, but one with a pretty terrible record. But what else are you gonna do when the team is up for sale? You can't just go out and hire better coaches.

Perhaps you recall the best game of the season? You know the one. Yeah, that game where Alex Kovalev got the first star and won himself a Honda? Those were good times. Didn't count though. But good times nonetheless.

You might even be asking yourself why the best line for much of the season was the 4th line. Fortunately, things have changed and they aren't our best line anymore... Phew... Now they are completely ineffective. Thank goodness...

Well all this stuff may look like a total mess, but trust me. That's been the plan all along. The Canadiens' brass has carefully laid plans for the last 5 years to get us to this moment. This whole season has been a rope-a-dope season. For the Boston Bruins believe that, up two games to none, they have the Canadiens by the proverbial balls. But that's just what we want them to think.

Game on, boys... Game on...

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

Huzzah! The most storied franchise in the history of the world has found a chink in the armour of the NHL and has managed to squeeze its way through to the Holy Dance despite the best efforts of its archnemesis, the Beantown Bruins, who sent fire and hell after Komisarek only to find a poop-eating grin waiting for them. Armageddon and chaos united their abilities and sought to crush the Artiste’s spirit and got a blazing top-corner goal as a response.

Your cheap reporter (pictured left), unable to afford a loge at the Garden was forced to sit amongst the cattle. Happening to glance over, he noticed a man removing his black and gold attire and putting on the fabled red’white’n’blue. "Hadn’t done that in a year!" he exclaimed to the surprise of yours truly and to the detriment of the departing. "Who are you, sir?" asked your perspicacious reporter. "Mentum," said the stranger "first name, Moe." And once the CH was on his back, hot dog if he didn’t grow a foot!

The Dance awaits. And if the Bruins aren’t peeing in their pants right now? They dang well should be. Your reporter has it on divine sources (Moe again) that the most glorious team since the dawn of humanity has a wager going with the Beaners. Pollock SWORE Montreal would beat Boston 75% of the time in the playoffs. It is said that if the Habs serve the Beaners another desparing loss during these playoffs, the 75% is finally attained and GM Chiarelli must change the name of his team from the Boston Bruins to Montreal’s Woman.

Fearing the worst, Chiarelli already commissioned the creation of the new team logo. The design was to denote a strong inclination towards femininity as well as the fragile state of their collective psyches. The logo pictured left is the one they finally settled on, a delicate pink "B" inside a white egg resting on its side. Not bad! We can only hope to see this beautiful coat of arms prancing about the Bell Centre ice come next automn, a fitting demise to the brawn of Boston and the most ridiculous underachievers against whom we’ve had the pleasure of crossing swords. Perhaps one day, if the Beaners do their best to emulate the Habs to the point of obsession, they might attain half of their prestige.

More updates when Pittsburgh goes down.

KOVALEV: HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?

MONTREAL - As if to give the media the finger and the fans a thumbs-up, Alex Kovalev has been on fire of late. No, let me rephrase that: he's been the God-damn man.

Kovalev is racking up points at a torrid pace having scored 7 points in two games. If he keeps this up, he'll be a point-a-game player (if the NHL suddenly decides to extend the season to 84 games). And that, my friends is a big "F-U" to all those that were down on him.

Your humble reporter, however, never gave up hope and never stopped believing. I was there through thick and thin. When times were bad, I let Alex cry on my shoulder and patted him gently until he finally went to sleep. When times were good, I quietly disposed of the dead hookers. Because that's what a good friend does.

Saturday night against the Leafs, Kovalev showed you all what he was made of: gold. Pure, unadulterated, Honda-driving, gold. Gold with hands of diamonds. Gold with a sexy beard. Gold with a shot so precise, Jesus himself allowed a single tear of joy to stream down his cheek at the site of its beauty. Gold so brilliant, Mr. T should be wearing Kovalev around his neck.

The game against the Leafs was men against babies. And Kovalev did what any real man would do to a baby. He beat it down until it was bruised and bloodied with spirit broken. Take that, you damn dirty baby!

L'Artiste is back, and the show is just beginning.

KOSTITSYN BROTHERS BACK IN ACTION

MONTREAL - With Sergei Kostitsyn being recalled from Hamilton, the Montreal Canadiens once again have the talented siblings playing together. In honor of this, we'll try to prove that no other siblings in any other sport are better than these two.

You may have heard recently that the Busch brothers won back-to-back NASCAR races. Wow, that's amazing... It must be pretty hard is it to drive a car in a circle... How would the radio chatter sound? "Oh God! Another left turn! What do I do?!?" ***CRASH*** Pfft! Given that the Kostitsyn brothers can turn both right AND left solidifies the fact that they are better than any stupid NASCAR drivers.

In major league baseball, the Boones (Bret and Aaron) were the first set of brothers to get their tips frosted at the same time. But Andrei and Sergei were the first to rock the bald and mullet look (respectively). And only real men can pull that off.

The NBA had (of course) the Grants. Horace was pretty good, but Harvey not so much. (And this despite wearing goggles!) But both Kostityns are good, so the Grants are left in the wind.

The NFL had the Gramaticas; place kickers for their respective teams. Ha... HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! 'Nuff said.

The NFL also had the Johnsons (Randy and Larry). But since everyone mostly wished they would just shut up, I think we can be safe that the quiet, reserved Kostitsyn brothers are just plain awesomer.

And who can forget tennis' Williams sisters (Serena and Venus)? Well, I'll tell you who: Me. Those thighs haunt my nightmares. Not to say that the Kostitsyn thighs are better to look at (since they're dudes), just that I'm not forced to stare at them.

Honorable mention goes to Ralf and Michael Schumacher. Honorable only because Michael may be the best F1 racing driver the world has ever seen and Ralf one of the worst.

So looking back at this list, I think we can all conclude that the Kostitsyn brothers are the best sibling tandem in the entire world. I can't argue it, and now neither can you.

HAIL TO BOB

MONTREAL - As posted here and, indeed all over the Sacred Internet over the past few days, it was Bob Our Savior who has single handedly changed the climate of the entire hockey world. But it was not without sacrifice.

Your humble reporter was not in a position to report on the proceedings at the time that they occurred, but I could not let it pass without at least providing some form of literary response...

It was with a last ditch effort to salvage a sinking ship that Bob The Builder invoked the ultimate resolution in his formal attache of plenipotentiary clauses, motioning for bilateral demilitarization and cessation of hostilities for the mutual advancement and prolonged commitment to the furtherance of harmonious relations among sovereign parties.

In other words: peace be with you, Carbo...

As we all know, the majesty of Bob's personal charm spreads throughout the cosmos. Legend already speaks of this great champion of pulchritude. Scribes (not only in Montreal) scrawl His praises. Bards wail His glories. Poets bleed their inkwells dry and weep them full again.

Men of sorted character silently breathe Bob's story as their passion; as warriors blow white conch on jagged rock; as paramours put flushed lip to their lovers' mouths. Men of spirit aflame, open of shirt and snug of pantaloon; rose-breasted men with swiveling hips, nimble legs and restless hearts; men whose vehemence of temperament fill their throats with melody and their footwork with rhythm. The fiery cluck of learned, genteel men as these will pique the ear with tales of this Champion... Of Bob.

Legend will forever speak of this humble man, who by mettle of His glowing personal charm alone, saved the Montreal Canadiens and indeed, the entire universe.

No pressure though, Bob... No pressure...

CARBO CARBUNCLE CURBED AT CREPUSCULE

The boom you just heard was that of the one being laid to Guy Carbonneau, ex-coach of the Montreal Canadiens, the greatest team in the world, and the one whose management provides the freshest pastries at press-conferences.

While delecting himself of a lemon chiffon danish sprinkled with sugared nutmeg, your faithful reporter was on hand to record General Manager-and now coach-Bob Gainey's address, that which basically stated that there were to be modifications made to the Montreal Canadiens, the greatest team in the world, and a stoic symbol of stability everywhere.

The changes were to be drastic.

- Why did you fire Guy, Bob?

"I didn't feel like the team was responding on an emotional level that I would deem appropriate in the process of capturing what our mandate specifically entitles us to strive for in that capacity."

- Umm...What was it specifically that you felt Guy was not doing?

"Of course, everybody, myself, Guy, everybody is well aware that in this business, that this is a team, there always comes a time when changes have to be made within that team. I'm sure that sometimes, if Guy was in my position, I would do things that he would not agree with, the same way that sometimes, I don't agree with what he would do in my position, for example, but doing what's best for the team is always something we agreed on."

- And what about what you mentioned earlier about Guy having been your best move as GM?

"Well, we have to remember that there's not just Montreal in the NHL. Other teams have problems much worse than ours but since Montreal is the veritable epicentre of Hockey Planet and its fans demand so much of our club, it's essential that we seize the opportunity to work so that we can get to the playoffs and have an impact in the series."

- Is it the players who wanted the coach out, Bob?

"Even the teams that have success have asked to play together and to do that, they have to work together. The different philosophies on the team is something that needs to be used positively, and not as a source for distractions that affect the overall stability of the club. It's not acceptable to me that other teams have double the chances to win and because of that and we needed to discuss the possibilities of change after the Atlanta game."

- You touch upon the questions, Bob, but ... What about Atlanta? What can you tell us about that?

"Again, it was a tough decision to make but I found myself in a position that required my intervention and we did that in a manner that was very difficult for both Guy and myself but what would be best overall for the club. What you have to remember is that there's almost 60 years of NHL experience between Guy and myself. It's never an easy decision to change that."

- What are your plans in regards to the next coach of the club?

"My plan at this juncture is to protect our young goalies and to work defensively so that our best players are put in a better position to contribute to the success of the club that will get this team to the playoffs and work in such a fashion that the success of the team will benefit most from that and then, we can think about taking the next step into a deeper playoff run and ideally, the Stanley Cup."

- En français maintenant, s'il-vous-plaît, Bob?

Ooh jeez... In conclusion,

Ex-coach Guy Carbonneau leaves a record of 127-86-20 (or something close) in his tenure at Bell Centre Hall. Hail the Victorious Dead. Goo'night, Guy. Godspeed. God bless.

More updates as danishes warrant.