IF THE CANADIENS DON'T BEAT PHILADELPHIA TONIGHT, THE TERRORISTS HAVE ALREADY WON

PHILADELPHIA - Undoubtedly, the Canadiens are very busy preparing for tonight's game and, no doubt, they already have enough pressure on them as it is. But what this town (Montreal) needs right now is a return to tradition. We need to work, laugh, and win the way we did before September 11. That's why it's absolutely vital that the Canadiens win tonight. Because if they don't, well, then the terrorists have already won.

These are hard times for all of us. Some days, I can barely bring myself to yell at the TV from my Lazy-Boy as the Canadiens blow another powerplay opportunity. Yet to hang my head in defeat is exactly what they want us to do. They want us to give up and admit defeat. I don't know how you were raised, but when life deals me a blow, I pick myself up, dust myself off, and demand that players be traded. That's the way I am, and I'm not going to let some fundamentalist wacko halfway around the world change that.

Hopefully the Canadiens realize that by giving me poor performance, they're giving a poor performance to an entire nation! Until they can learn to win every game, maybe they should take the "Canadian" reference from their name. The entire team is making a mockery of everything Canada stand for. They should feel ashamed.

Do they want the beer of past couch-coaches to have been spilled for nothing? Well, if they can't bring us the wins we need to capture the Stanley Cup, they might as well move to Afghanistan and join Al Queda, because that's what they're really doing. Right now, the Habs need to ask themselves some difficult questions. Namely, are they part of the problem or part of the solution?

Also, a shutout and eight goals tonight would be nice.

A CURSEWORK ORANGE

Sources close to the team reveal hoodoo-voodoo behind Flyer bench. The team doing the revealing was, of course, Your Montreal Canadiens.
The NHL board of directors are seriously considering thinking of the possibilty of maybe appealing towards Gary Bettman to instill "The Flyer Rule", perhaps.
"The Flyer Rule" would be to award victory, no matter the score, to the team that so pummeled its opposition and so demolished any conceivable sense of adversity between them that they should not have to suffer the ignominity of defeat by vengeful Gods.
The puck went this way, that way, the other way around and back again. It went left; it went right, through that guy's legs and between those guys' coverage. It went aside the goalie, over and under him, across him and towards him, side to side and up and down. It chipped off every speck of paint and either net while it explored the bending properties of iron. It sailed; it sallied; it parted the orange seas like a Kovalev through a kindergarten class.
The only place the puck didn't go, was where it was supposed to go.
Some say the talismanic-Tie has aggravated the hockey-gods by its overuse. We accept the remonstrance. however,
Timonen: "Na-na! Boo-boo!"
SMACKO!!!
You unbelievable bastich...
Philly?
Be prepared.

FLYERS HOPING "SILLY HAT DAY" WILL TURN THINGS AROUND

MONTREAL - After losing the first game of the series to the Canadiens, Philadelphia Flyers' head coach John Stevens was seeking a gimmick that would help boost the moral of his team before game two.

"I don't know, there's already a bunch of teams that do the head-shaving, karaoke, or Greco-Roman wrestling," said Stevens, leafing through an issue of Coaching for Dummies. "I thought about juggling, but in the end, 'Silly Hat Day' just came to me."

Well, the gimmick was a huge success.

Darien Hatcher scored easily during a scrimmage as backup goalie Antero Niittymaki could not focus on the puck for sake of the hulking Hatcher's tiara (his own). Vacalav Prospal was also in the spirit, wearing a British policeman's cap, while Jeff Carter wore the very same green hat worn by Don Cherry for St. Patrick's Day.

Unfortunately, the day was not all positives as Daniel Briere was actually further demoralized when he did not properly understand the memo and came to the rink dressed head-to-toe as a '70's disco pimp.

No word yet as to whether the Flyers will wear their "silly hats" to the game on Saturday.

VERITABLE, VALOROUS, VINDICATED, YET VENTURESOME VICTORY

64 000 Hydro-Québec éoliennes across the provinces produce enough electricity to sustain the province until the end of 2011 with collective sigh of Partisan relief. The Canadiens are into Round 2 of the Stanley Cup playoffs.
3rd star: Saku Koivu
2nd star: Alex Kovalev
1st star: Carey Price
Super-duper 1st star?
The talisman worn by Guy Carbonneau to invoke the Power of the Gods. The Hockey Gods.
Only a talisman of such primeval and decadent ugliness could attract the Gods' attention, an object that could cause a God to retch.
"WHAT IS THIS SIGHT?"
"Listen to me."
"WHO BIDS US?"
"Just a coach. A coach who swore to uphold the seal blessed by your forefathers. Will you hearken?"
"YOU DARE SAY THE NAME?"
"We are the name. Will you hearken? The seal calls on you."
"YOU DARE?"
"The seal demands it. You must obey."
"...WHAT IS REQUIRED?"
"Only ever the same."
"VICTORY."
"Yes."
"YOUR AMBITION IS ONLY EQUALED BY YOUR VANITY."
"We swore to be champions."
"WHO IS IT NOW?"
"Only ever the same."
"BOSTON."
"Yes."
"...IT WILL BE DONE. BUT BE WARNED, THAT TALISAMN HAS LIMITED EFFECT. USE IT...WISELY."
"Thy wills be done."
Kraka-ka-boom!

DEAR MR CARBONNEAU

What up, dawg?

I'm a new fan of the Canadiens and for the most part, I'm really digging this team! But I have a question I was hoping you could answer for me.

There are some really good players on this team, and yet when I see them, I don't feel any... Well, for lack of a better term, urges (to cheer that is). I ain't jellin' with my yellin'! You feel me?

I guess my question is this: Why has the coaching staff seen fit to suppress the raw talent on this roster by placing Smolinski on the powerplay, Ryder on the bench, and 4 out of 5 players in the neutral zone?

Sincerely,
- A concerned fan.

PS: Seriously! I gots to get my freak on!

DISGRACEFUL, DISHONORABLE, DISGUSTING DEFEAT

The Bell Center is resonating with silence. The Montreal throng is screaming sweet nothing in nobody's ear. The chant changed from "Olé, Olé, Olé" to "Au lit, Au lit, Au lit" midway through the 2nd period of the 5th game opposing the Glorious Ones to the Big Bad Bruins. Dull drama delays dandy deed. Truly, a debacle is not what 21273 persons paid for last night but verily, that's what they got, and that most righteously. A drastic drubbing led directly to deadly disintegration. Decadent disaster depreciates demeanor of dictator's disciples. Guy Carbonneau overheard swearing in coach's office before press conference but looked composed enough to talk to us.
-What happened, coach?
"We lost. We played with no effort after our first goal. The guys thought it'd be easy and it might be but you still gotta go out there and get it."
-Kovalev said noone is going to give to you.
"Well, did you write that down?"
-Did you ever expect to drop a 5 to 1 game versus Boston?
"Yeah, I had it planned on my calendar and everything; what do you think? We were embarassed on own ice, I think the guys know this has been a wake-up call."
-Is the alarm loud enough?
"(menacing glare in your terrified reporter's direction)"
-Ummmm....I mean, how're you gonna get the team to rebound from this one, coach?
"By getting them to work for 60 minutes instead of 20. The Bruins have played better lately and we have to respond."
-The Kid, last night...
"No comment. No wait, the Kid is the Real Deal; that's my comment."
-If the Bruins win the series...
"Then the Universe might as well turn to jello and disappear because it will have no reason to exist anymore. 'If the Bruins win the series'; listen to yourself. Bad bounces, that's all. Just bad bounces. We're going to win."
-Bad bounces?
"Yeah. Same reason you're here."
I declare!
More updates as events warrant.

BRUINS CONTEMPLATING SURRENDER

"If there's one thing I've always told my players is to never give up, never surrender, never lie down for anybody. But sometimes, you just gotta wake up and smell the pudding. The pudding in this case, is chock-full of proof. The cookie is crumbling totally the wrong way for our team and it looks like there's only one side to that medal, after all."
....*It was the heeeee-at of the moment!.....Telling you what my HEART thinks! The heeee-at of the moment; th'look in your eyyyyyyyyye!*....
Claude Julien looked crestfallen at last night's press conference following the 1 - 0 loss of the Bruins to a Patrice Brisebois cracker. Habs take a 3 - 1 series lead and aim to close it out in Montreal on Thursday.
....*It's the final COUNTDOWN! Doo-doo-doo,dooooooo. Dee-dee-dee, doo, dooooooo*.......
"There's no sugar-coating reality; we're losing. We all know that it's team num.1 versus team num.8, but to me, it looks like two equal teams battling it out, out there. Of course, for that scenario to hold water, we have to put that little black rubber doohickey in the netted cage behind the Priceberg. That's not happening right now. So forget what I said; it's obvious I don't know what I'm talking about just as it's obvious that we're going to get eliminated in 5 games, just like everybody thought we would be."
....*It's the, eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight, rising up to the challenge of a riiiiival, and the last known survivor....*
What can we expect from the Bruins in game 5, coach?
"We're gonna go out there and we're gonna grind it out, get it deep, work the cycle, get it back to the point, clog the crease, try to gets some shots on net, go for rebounds, scrap and fight for every inch of ice we can get."
....*You got to move it, move it; you got to move it, move it, you got to, MOVE IT*....
What does that mean, coach?
"It means we have no chance in hell; can I go now? And will someone turn that damn radio off?!"
.....*The kii-iid, is HOT tonight! The kii-iid is HOT tonight!*.....
(click)
More updates as events warrant.

BRUINS NOT GIVING UP OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT

MONTREAL - After a second straight loss to the mighty Canadiens, you might assume the Bruins are reeling. You might assume that their confidence is shot. You might also assume that they've given up.

But you'd be wrong.

In a post-game press conference, coach Claude Julien praised his boys for not losing their cool. When asked if he thought his team was down-and-out, Julien responded, "What? No! We're not dead or anything like that! We're fine! What?" Shifting uncomfortably in his seat, he continued, "look, we're doing just fine, alright?!?. Nothing weird or alarming is going on here."

When asked about injuries to some key players, Julien easily deflected the queries by moving the press conference into the dressing room. "See, there's Bergeron just propped up against the lockers with his eyes closed like he always is. Ha ha, that Bergeron! He's great! ... And not injured at all!"

On the other side of the locker-room we found the omnipresent Zdeno Chara. He was bruised and bloodied and appeared to be dangling from a network of cords tied to the ceiling. Julien pointed to him and said, "and um, Chara over there is just chillin'! Not being held up by ropes or anything. Very lifelike... Um, because he's alive! And not dead!"

I don't know about you, dear reader. But I'm convinced. The Bruins simply cannot be demoralized!

JULIEN'S HEARTBREAKING ACCOUNT OF SORROWFUL DESPAIR

Claude Julien needs to take a page out of Mike Keenan's book. When there's nothing to say, that's what you say. Instead, Julien, either out of pure misery or brilliant tactic, is playing the Pity card. The post-game conference showed a shell-shocked coach whose team had just been steamrolled over by the Powerhouse of the East. As a surviving bomb-victim stumbling around ground-zero with no pants and hair ablaze, so did Julien flounder beneath the Spotlights,
"We're going to go over the video. We're going to watch every play again. Once we're done, I'll tell my guys, "Hey guys, don't do any of that." We were beaten to every play by every guy with every move. They were better at the physicality. We wanted to be strong on their players but they crushed us unto oblivion. We wanted to get the puck in deep in their zone, get a cycle going and guys in front of the net but their goaler stuffed it down our throats, their defense wiped us out and their attackers slapped us in the face before we knew what was going on."
-How do you see your team rebounding from this, coach?
"It's a 7-game series. It's not over. We have to play better. Tonight their team was the better team. They were first on the puck, they scored quick and hard, they beat us up, everything worked for them. They're an excellent team."
-Yeah, but I was asking about your team, coach.
"My team doesn't belong here. We're a joke to Montreal. They're just the greatest team in the history of the world. We have no chance. I...I...I don't know what to do! How do I stop them?! I don't know how to stop them! Does anyone know? They're better than us in every single aspect of the game by a Mexican mile."
-You killed off a 5 on 3 at the end of the game, coach.
"Great. End of the game. 3 minutes left. They're leading 4 to 1. I'm sure they gave it their all to score. Pfffff... Thanks but no thanks."
-Can you take out anything positive from tonight, coach?
"Yeah, we look great in white and yellow; what do you want from me?!"
We love you Claude.
More updates as events warrant.

TIP: PLAYOFF BEARDS CAN DOUBLE AS COMB-OVERS

MONTREAL - As the post-season looms for The Glorious Ones, tradition begins to take hold. Canadiens players and fans alike will now forgo their desires of women and sacrifice their careers of heavy-equipment operation by succumbing to the greatest of hockey traditions: the playoff beard.

For some, however, vast amounts of facial hair can be used as more than satisfaction of a superstition. Indeed, for fans and players like Bryan Smolinski and Andrei Kostitsyn, it might be worth noting that your playoff beard can double as a comb-over!

That's right, be sexy again! Imagine yourself with hair! Vanity Fair could be in your future. You'll notice people all over your city whispering behind your back. Know what they're saying? "I wish I looked one tenth as good as he's looking," that's what.

For example, Alex Kovalev – whose steely gaze and easygoing personality have consistently captivated millions around the globe – has, for the past 12 years, attained the highest possible scores in every known measure of physical, psychological, and spiritual attractiveness. Why? Amazing hair, that's why.

A recent poll conducted by the Rogaine Research Center revealed that 38 percent of women believe hair makes a man look "distinguished," 21 percent think it makes a man look "sharp," and 13 percent believe hair makes a man look "square-jawed and rugged, yet stately and reserved, as one would expect a baron or king to look."

The poll had no statistical margin of error.

Plus, it is a widely known fact that most carbon-based organisms will, over time, succumb to the ravages of cellular decomposition and genetic degradation. But you, with your beard-over, will look as though you have aged like a fine wine.

THE BOLD AND THE BOUNTIFUL

The Glorious Engine of Destruction keeps rumbling on, decimating opponent's ranks like a chain-saw in a ceaser salad. A non-stop influx of young and beautiful Talent to the Only Roster is sowing Fear throughout the league. D'Agostini, the flitting ghoul, smiling in the shadow of S.Richer, has made his name enough.
But until a day ago, the name "Gregory Stewart" sounded like the fast-ball special at Fenway Stadium, something you would take with mustard. The hyphens have come off and the only mustard in sight is in the velocity of his punch to your potato-chewer. The shadow of C.Lemieux looms thusly...
For every who Falls,
Two shall Arise.
The Word has spread to all Divisions, confident or powerless: Be Prepared.
So unplug the cyrogenic chamber and wake up Granpa. Get a coffee down his gullet while his eyes unpeel and then tell him it's 1977. He'll spit. Give him a good smack across the noggin and tell him that the Waves of Red White and Blue Terror are once again booming across the shores of the NHL. 262 goals, Granpa! He'll spit and he'll look....Bob Gainey?......Boston?
And he'll Believe.
His Boys are Back!

MAPLE LEAFS APPARENTLY GIVING IT ANOTHER SHOT

TORONTO - Hockey fans in Toronto and, indeed, across Canada have reported feelings of surprise, amusement, and slight anger after discovering that the Toronto Maple Leafs have announced they have decided to enter a team into next year's NHL season.

"Hey, if our players want to try and go for it one more time, then who am I to stop them?" said MLSE chair, Larry Tanenbaum in a press-conference.

The Maple Leafs have missed the playoffs for the third consecutive year and continue to prove to the hockey world that they are, perhaps, the single worst managed team in the league. Some pundits have equated the MLSE management team to the singular Mike Milbury who single handedly set the New York Islanders back approximately 52 years.

The majority of Canadian media outlets agreed that this was likely going to be the last year in the NHL for the Maple Leafs, opting to quit instead of consistently disappointing their fans.

However, despite the country's reaction, Tanenbaum stood behind his players' decision. "You really have to respect their persistence, going out there like this. It's like they don't care that they're going to lose."

To be safe, Tanenbaum has already booked tee-times for the players for April, 2009.

CBC has already begun work on a 16 hour made-for-TV movie about the courage and wonder that is the Maple Leafs. It is expected to air 104 times during the summer. Don Cherry has already given it his "thumbs up" as perhaps the greatest achievement in TV history.