Wednesday, December 31, 2008


Your Montreal Canadiens avoid deadly December 23rd curse altogether by having it removed from schedule. This tactic seems to have paid off as the Bleu Blanc Rouge return from Bethlehem with a vengeance.
Your intrepid reporter was able to corner Kid Crosby in the underground parking structure of the Igloo. With my weapon put away and his fears allayed, he disclosed how the Canadiens defence was as impermeable as polypropylene graphite. Geno was still crying over the Priceberg's robbery. The Elder Kostitsyn was a titan and the Habs were the greatest team in the world and could he please leave now.
Then came the trip to Florida; Christmas on the Beach, a Montreal Institution. Indeed, an estimated 13 000 Snowbirds in Miami and another 6 000 in Tampa would whole-heartedly agree that the Montreal trip to Florida during the Holidays is the only reason the State was founded at all.
"I love it here!", said Gontran Babineau, "We come in like the lords of all creation, the Floridians are afraid of us. I mean, you should see it here: they spell hockey, H-O-C-K-Y on the arena banners! They call the puck "the poke" and they call bodychecks "bodyhits", it’s great!"
The interview was suddeny cut short when Babineau shouted "Gotta go; there’s more of’em!" He then began to chase a Lightning-shirted lady and her daughter down the street, cackling madly.
So with no December 23rd curse to affect the southern swing, your Montreal Canadiens were left to crash about the Candy Shop like methed-up kids, upsetting displays and breaking gumball machines as they gorged themselves on Florida Raisins. If only one could find such pleasures in New Joisy.
More updates as event warrant.

Friday, December 19, 2008


MONTREAL - During the 3-game losing streak that saw our beloved Canadiens falter, some of us learned some valuable lessons. The things we learned helped us to cope with the heart-wrenching debacles that were supposedly NHL games. At this point I would like to share with you those lessons so that you may also cope come the next inevitable losing skid:

  • When the Bell-tower strikes midnight, go to the nearest speakeasy as it can only mean one thing... It's the witching hour and it's time to get your drink on. There is no dilemma a spirited hootenanny will not address.

  • To distract yourself, steal your mother's corset and don the stolen undergarment.
    If it fits a little TOO comfortably, take it off immediately.

  • Start a fight with some bikers simply for the sake of an old fashioned gang-style brawl. Don't count on your friend Barry, though, he'll probably get out of the way cause it'll look like shit's about to go down pretty hard and heavy. Stupid Barry...

  • Not really related, though it is distracting: do not, I repeat, DO NOT let your friend Barry show you his collection of gay pornography. That DID NOT just happen...
  • Tuesday, December 16, 2008


    CAROLINA - As the Canadiens are no longer able to intimidate opponents on the ice, the players have taken to trying to intimidate opponents off the ice.

    In a bold move to try to put some life into the demoralized Montreal roster, coach Guy Carbonneau organized a poker match deep in the dark underbelly of the Raleigh underground. It is here that the murderous band of thugs make their name. And it is here that Carbonneau will turn his season around. Carbonneau pushes his players into the seedy establishment.

    Andrei Kostitsyn - no stranger to places such as this - challenges the midnight crew to a game and prepares to show these rag-a-muffins who really holds the cards.

    The dangerous band of mobsters threatens him with their sinister card-based magic. One of them even tries to intimidate him with the ace of spades! But Kostitsyn retailiates with his own hand of deadly and highly intimidating cards!

    We are lost...

    Wednesday, December 10, 2008


    It was a calamitous affair that drew your faithful reporter to the Halls of Bell this morning. Bob Gainey, the general manager of the Royal Montreal Canadiens, just came in from Italy, where, we were told, he had lunch with an old friend and confidante. Asked if this "friend" was none other than the Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Bob demured.
    "It was an engagement that had been tabled for quite some time."
    - With your friend "Benny", Bob? That’s what it says on the Agenda.
    "That’s right. Benny. Old friend of mine."
    - Did you talk hockey?
    "I talk hockey all the time; it may have come up."
    - What does the Vicar of Christ know about hockey?
    "It wasn’t the Holy Father, just a friend who can help with some power-play ideas. Next question."
    - Will you be inviting the Successor of the Chief of the Apostles to your loge anytime soon?
    "What does that have to do with anything?"
    - Well, Bob, many say that Montreal’s power-play could use some divine intervention, and as the Patriarch of the West, your friend "Benny" might be just the ticket.
    "Okay, listen: It wasn’t the Pope. I can’t be more clear. Just a normal general manager’s meeting. I just had lunch with my friend Benny. Yes, he lives in the Vatican, but..."
    - The Sovereign of the Vatican State, no less. Is that correct?
    "No, that is incorrect. Furthermore, don’t be reading anything into our team’s offensive explosion on the power-play coming up shortly."
    - Why would you say such a thing, Bob?
    "Call it an epiphany. Last question."
    - Who kissed who’s ring?
    "This press conference is over."
    And there you have it, Rosary-holding, bead-rolling, knee-bowing Partisans. Bob Gainey did NOT visit anyone holier than...thou, in Italy. Just a friendly lunch with his friend Benny. The fact that good’ole Benedictine XVI happened to be photographed in his Habs regalia on the same day with the Key to the City of Montreal about his neck had nothing to do with anything.
    Yea, the Power-Play cometh and that right righteously.
    More hymning as events warrant.

    Monday, December 8, 2008


    MONTREAL - With the arrival and outstanding play of Matt D'Agostini, a roster position on the Montreal Canadiens' roster is no longer sewn up for forward Sergei Kostitsyn. As a result, his frustration with coach Guy Carbonneau has culminated in a rebellious attack in the form of a flaming bag of shit.

    Late Sunday evening, as Carbonneau left practice at the Bell Center and was walking towards his car, he was hit in the back by a blazing brown bag of excrement. When he turned, he saw Kostitsyn speeding away in his Porsche.

    "It's disappointing for sure," commented the coach, "but if he'd played well to begin with, none of this would ever have happened. If he'd put as much effort into his play as he did with gathering, packaging, lighting, and subsequent throwing of that bag of shit, well..."

    When asked how the coach would deal with the situation, he simply smiled and said, "never you worry about that. I've taken care of it."

    On Monday morning, when approached for comment, Kostitsyn remained silent about the subject and merely continued to brush his teeth feverishly.

    More updates as events warrant.

    Monday, December 1, 2008


    MONTREAL - For the first time since the end of the Cold War, the threat of nuclear annihilation hangs over the world. This after RDS announced yesterday that the Toronto Maple Leafs have constructed a fully operational 50-megaton nuclear device.

    After taking over the post of President and GM late last week, Brian Burke wasted little time and successfully completed the first test detonation on Sunday in the heart of northern Ontario.

    Now, since "The Button" is in the hands of Burke who, throughout recent history, has acted with violence and incredible intolerance, officials at RDS have moved the Doomsday Clock back up to one minute before midnight.

    From his office (pictured left) deep within the catacombs of the Air Canada Center, Burke released a statement denying the claim, but added that those that look into the matter more closely will be "nuked up real good like."

    When asked about the bomb, RDS scientist, Dr. Robert Pelt, responded that it was "primitive yet brilliant." Pelt was not sure how the Leafs got their hands on plutonium, but said that they handled it in much the same way they've handled their roster and thus it has likely resulted in mutations far beyond those that regularly occur as a result of inbreeding in Toronto.

    With the threat in mind, Prime Minister Harper says that his main goal is to get the Leafs to dismantle their bomb entirely. And to that end, he plans to negotiate with the MLSE, offering them tax cuts, greater CBC air-time, and a revocation of all laws prohibiting incest.