KOIVU GETS GOAL, HIT CALLED OFF

MONTREAL - In the first game back after the All-Star break, the Canadiens dominated the Washington Captitals from start to finish and skated to a 4-0 victory. Cristobal Huet made 35 saves for his second shutout of the season and Alex Kovalev continued his hot streak with a goal in the final minute.

However, the big story of the night came as a result of a single goal. Saku Koivu netted his 10th goal of the season at 18:24 of the first period off a beautiful behind-the-net feed from Steve Bégin. As Koivu skated past the Montreal bench handing out the traditional high-fives, he had a noticeable look of relief on his face.

Little known to the public was that the Montreal mafia had gotten just a little bit tired of the 6 game goal scoring drought and the fact that beyond that, Koivu had only scored 1 goal in his last 15 games. In anger, the powerful crime syndicate did what any normal Habs fan would do.

They called a hit on Koivu.

The goal gave Koivu a two-game goal-scoring streak, but more than that, it saved his life. Mafia representative Joey "Joseph" Agostino, indicated that his clients were suitably impressed with the performance and that Koivu's life was to be spared, "just this once," and that people need to "watch their backs," and "go to the casino."

Agostino added that, unfortunately, as his clients had already acquired the services of a "fairly expensive" hit-man, they would be "putting Micheal Ryder on notice."

HABS' RYDER UNHAPPY; WANTS MORE PANCAKES

NEW JERSEY - Michael Ryder has had a tough season. Between struggling to score and being kept out of the lineup, Ryder has found himself wanting more. He has found himself wanting pancakes.

And the team isn't delivering.

Ryder has yet to openly demand a trade but the Canadiens forward has certainly indicated that he will reflect upon his future in Montreal if management doesn't give him delicious fluffy pancakes with blueberry sauce by the conclusion of the All-Star break.

The versatile 27-year-old, who can play forward and warm the bench, was not unhappy about being benched for the third period of last night's win in New Jersey. However, he was disappointed when the trainer passed him a towel instead of a plate of steaming flapjacks.

The benching and lack of pancakes marked the eighth time this season that Ryder has had to suffer through the situation. Each time, he has taken it hard.

He said he would discuss with his family and his dog, Pooky, as to where his hockey future lies.
"I'm not saying I want out, I'm just saying I want pancakes," he said. "No one wants to go through life without pancakes. But I'm not requesting a trade or anything like that. All I'm saying is that I want my fluffycakes, and we'll go from there."

"It's unfortunate he feels this way," Carbonneau said of Ryder. "But he's from Newfoundland, so what do you expect?"

BRUINS: "WE'VE GOT THEM WHERE WE WANT THEM"

MONTREAL - After losing their ninth consecutive game to the formidable Canadiens on Tuesday night - by a score of 8-2 - the Boston Bruins are confident that they can come close to beating the Habs someday.

"We've got them where we want them," said Bruins head coach Claude Julien in a press conference held on Wednesday. "By which I mean we've gotten their confidence to a point where they know they can beat us without trying. That may be true, but we did score two goals against them on Tuesday, something they weren't expecting. That's the kind of team we believe we are, and I think one day, we'll prove that."

Despite only two more meetings remaining on this year's schedule, Julien and his assistant coaches have been spending all their available time painstakingly breaking down game films from their previous 9 clashes with the Canadiens. They've analyzed every play, every move, every save, and every goal for anything that might help them come close to maybe scoring one or two more some day.

Julien acknowledged to the media that the Canadiens are indeed the better team, but that his Bruins believe they can draw on the experience of the two goals from Tuesday night's ridiculously humliating loss and maybe make it a close game the next time they meet... Maybe.

"This team really believes they can one day come out of a game against those guys without feeling tremendous shame." Julien paused, then added, "and that's what we need... Dreams."

Meanwhile, the Canadiens are being careful not to give the Bruins any additional confidence.

"Yeah, well, sure they suck against us, but you should have seen how close they came to beating Toronto the other night," said forward Christopher Higgins. "They've got a good team, you know, I guess..."

Still, the Bruins refuse to be completely intimidated.

"We almost beat them back in '05," Julien said, noting that in that game, more than 3 years ago, the Bruins scored three times in a 7-3 nail-biter. "Read my lips," he said. "We're going score 4 one of these days."

As the press conference ended, Julien thanked the media and, as he got up to leave, was heard to say, "crap, we're never gonna beat these guys."

NO MORE CLICHÉS; HABS VOW TO SKATE HARD, WIN BATTLES

MONTREAL - After Saturday's terrible loss to the Crosby-less Pittsburgh Penguins, Montreal Canadiens bench-boss, Guy Carbonneau vowed to reporters that his players wouldn't fall back on old clichés and would instead skate harder and win battles against the boards.

When interviewed, captain Saku Koivu agreed with his coach, "He's right. Every time we lose, we seem to shrug it off with all these clichés. Well not this time," he said. "For our game on Tuesday, we're just going to go out there and keep it simple. We really just want to focus on our game and take it one shift at a time."

Resurgent forward Alex Kovalev added, "Our goalies have really bailed us out this year. Our young guys really have to step up and contribute defensively."

In an effort to kick-start struggling forward Michael Ryder's season, Carbonneau promoted him to the first line with Christopher Higgins and Koivu. Ryder was happy with the promotion and commented to reporters, "I know I'm struggling right now. So if I can just focus on working hard and avoiding these clichés, hopefully things will start going my way."

Assistant coach Kirk Muller said he was proud of the effort guys were giving on a nightly basis but warned that some of the players needed to "be more consistent" and "play a full 60 minutes."

Carbonneau was optimistic about the Tuesday night's home-game against Boston (a team the Canadiens have gone 5-0 against so far this season). "All it takes is a couple of bounces to go our way. Tonight could be our night. We just need to go out there and give 110% and we'll get that much needed 'W'.

"If we can avoid all these clichés, we should be okay. So long as we win puck battles and get some more shots on goal and traffic in front of the net, we there's no reason we shouldn't be able to skate to a victory."

NOTES: Steve Bégin will return from an upper body injury in time to play in Tuesday night's game.

KOVALEV WINS "AS A TEAM"

NEW YORK - Responding to critics claiming that he is a "puck hog" and "not a team player," forward Alex Kovalev gathered up 2 points and a +3 differential in last nights game against the New York Islanders. Kovalev set up Tomas Plekanec's second goal and scored his own into an empty net at 19:32 of the 3rd period to ice the game.

When questioned as to why he elected to take the empty net goal himself instead of passing off to a wide-open Plekanec for a hat-trick, Kovalev angrily responded, "look: everything I do out there, every play, every point, every deak, I do as a team." Kovalev then hugged himself and slapped his butt.

LUNDQVIST HONORS AZTEC GODS

Last Saturday the New York Rangers played host to our beloved Montreal Canadiens. You may have watched the game, seen highlights or read about it somewhere. What you were told by the media was that the Canadiens played a terrible game and were defeated dramatically by the Rangers.

They were lying to you.

Sure, the Canadiens lost. Sure it was terrible. But they did it on purpose.

Before the game, Henrik Lundqvist approached Rangers team owner James Dolan regarding a religious issue. Lundqvist had been mired in a slump of sorts for quite some time. In an effort to improve his game, Lundqvist spent an evening with Jimmy Fallon (of SNL fame) in hopes of getting some sound advice. After several lines of cocaine, Lundqvist became a devout Aztec.

As a result, Dolan requested a meeting with Canadiens owner George Gillette (and inevitably coach Guy Carbonneau). In their discussion, Lundqvist explained that January 12th was a special day for him; one that involved him committing a personal sacrifice to the Aztec sun god, Huitzilopochtli (Huey, for short).

Not wanting to anger any gods, especially one controlling the sun, the Canadiens brass decided to throw the game. Hence the terrible play and lack of goal scoring. Yet another reason to respect and cheer for our team! Good job, boys!

Happily, the Rangers won the game and Lundqvist was allowed to stab himself in the penis and offer up the blood to Huitzilopochtli thereby appeasing him.

Now you know.

WHAT ARE WE ALL ABOUT?

Since you're a fan of the Canadiens (and if you're not, you should be), you are no doubt wondering why people are always pissing on our team. Between TV, newspapers, Toronto Maple Leafs fans and my grandmother, the Montreal Canadiens players are always taking crap. The problem is, we don't know why... They are the single greatest sports franchise in the history of mankind.

Everything the Habs do - from dominating victory to debilitating loss - is all part of a plan. The plan is to win. Maybe not to today or even tomorrow, but sometime in the near future. The point is to keep you guessing. "Oh! Is today the day?!?" You never know...

The goal of this site is to get you in on the inside. We'll break down every game and every trade. You think you know what's happening in Montreal? Think again...