Thursday, October 22, 2009


An inside source to the festivities taking place September 26th at Scott Gomez’s luxurious, Greco-Roman-styled downtown apartment has revealed to your dedicated reporter that the alleged altercation between the assistant captain and the assistant Kostitsyn stemmed from a dispute that erupted over The Game of Risk. The source affirms that Sergei had given up his rights to Europe and South Africa for Afghanistan and Siberia. With Japan and China secured, and his hold over Yakutsk protected, he knew it would only be a matter of time before he could move Lapierre out of Irkutsk and Moen’s lone colony out of Siam, to which the 3rd-liner probably wouldn’t afford too many reinforcements since the brunt of his forces were in Africa. Then K Junior (pictured right) would have himself all the time in the world to push Gionta out of Ural and consolidate the whole of Asia and thereby collect some major military support.
With such a carefully strategized objective, it is therefore no wonder that he got so upset when, for no apparent reason, Gomez, who had his own fish to fry in North America, decided to cross the North Pacific and invade Kamchatka.
It was madness, the kid shrieked, why throw legions at him when all Latendresse has to do was WALK into Gomez’s Eastern United-States and then just TAKE his Northwest Territory?
To which Gomez responded that it was just a board-game and not to make a big deal out of it. He didn’t care that Gui! took the stupid Northwest Territory, he just wanted to throw a wrench in Junior’s works and watch him squirm.
My source goes on to say that the room then went very cold and a visible black sheen fell over Kostitsyn’s eyes. He proceeded to inform everybody in an eerily chilling voice that his grandfather was born in Kamchatka and he’d be damned to hell before he saw a “such-and-such-monkey-Yank” desecrate that land by even touching its shores.
Gomez suggested the kid take it easy.
Kostitsyn suggested Gomez eat “poop”. He then continued to promise that defending his land was now not enough. My source goes on: “He started to yell out a vow about, I don’t know, taking over Alaska out of principle and making Gomez and all of the Alaskan people slaves because they didn’t deserve any better. It was nuts. And then, he spit on the board! All over Alberta, a big goober right there in the guy’s apartment, in front of everyone! I couldn’t believe it! The kid’s nuts. That’s when Gomez lost it.”
A scuffle ensued and some punches were thrown but with teammates all around, they quickly intervened and separated the two. As of yet, the source in question was not able to say if this supposed altercation was a factor in the decision to send the young whippersnapper down to the AHL nor would he disclose who won the game. There is no doubt however, the source told your reliable reporter, that everyone learned a lot from The Game of Risk that night. More updates with cop's warrant.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


MONTREAL, PQ - Local seven-year-old Montreal Canadiens fan, Patricia Bucier revealed today that, try though she might, she simply can't bring herself to idolize the Habs anymore... "I mean, they're great and everything... Well, not anymore, but I guess they're okay now," said the life-long fan of Les Glorieux and The Wiggles.

It looks as though Bucier is not alone in her opinion.

Eight-year-old Robert "Billy" Pierce, sporting his favorite Kovalev jersey for the interview said, "Did anyone else notice [Hal] Gill? I mean, he's big, but he kinda reminds me of that slow kid in our class [artist's rendering on right], you know?" Then he banged his fist on the table (knocking over his Clifford lunchbox) and exclaimed, "For God's sake, I'm f*cking EIGHT and I'M the one noticing this?!?"

Pierre Dubois, nervously twirling his Thomas The Train Engine toy in his hands, admitted that watching his team on TV made his daddy drink and get angry. "But," he said, "Mommy gets me these cool toys after."

Your humble reporter was denied the ability to press for more information when he was escorted from the Carlyle Elementary School building by security.

Sunday, October 4, 2009


Victory in Toronto came at a terrible price as superstar defenseman Andrei Markov was slashed by the Terrible Price in the ubilinian pedaphalangial quintacep tendon, an injury that would necessitate a 4-month healing period. This left your Montreal Canadiens up poop creek without a power play specialist, a zone-exitor extraordinaire, an overall nice guy, or a paddle for the next 81 games of the season and 23 in the playoffs.
The venerable general manager of the team Mr. Bob Gainey was suddenly served his first Crisis entrée like a knock out punch to the chops and he hadn’t even ordered an aperitif yet. Since your trustworthy reporter was cleaning the table, I had the chance to ask him what his next move would be. He remarked “We have young players ready to step up and play a larger role. Ryan O’Byrne comes to mind.”
When Mr. Bob Gainey came in last night, I asked him what his plans were now. He said “Bring me an aperitif and I’ll tell you.”
In all my years as beat reporter for the Beautiful Team, it was always Mr. Bob Gainey who showed the most candour when he showed anything at all. We have heard many colleagues complain that Mr. Bob Gainey never says anything when in fact, he just avoids us any extra work. Our colleagues want to work the same old clichés into their shtick every day, that’s their business. But as you well know, at Habsbros, we don’t work clichés. We get the straight dope.
So when Mr. Bob Gainey had swallowed half his mint julep and ordered Mojo to go, I was naturally taken aback.
“To go.”
“What kinda mojo you want?”
“OT-winner mojo.”
And that was it. He paid with a Sergei Kostitsyn, shook the chef’s hand, called a taxi, and headed off to the airport.
More updates as events warrant.

Friday, October 2, 2009


TORONTO - New Maple Leafs defenceman, Micheal Komisarek, formerly a highly regarded rearguard in Montreal, was exposed on Thursday night when he triumphantly admitted to being an asshole.

"Look, I know you all know I'm an asshole," Komisarek, 27, told a roomful of reporters last night. "Well, that may be true, but I play for Toronto now. News flash: Torontonianites are assholes."

"So I'm an asshole," Komisarek added. "Deal with it."

Some pundits say Komisarek has a long history of being an asshole. In six seasons with Montreal, he had alienated virtually all of his teammates by blaming others for his failures and lying about injuries so as not to fight Milan Lucic and try his hand at coaching instead.

For Montreal fans however, Komisarek's exposure and recent admission that he's an asshole takes him to a whole new level of assholitude.

One reporter was heard saying later that evening, "[Komisarek] acted like outing his own assholiness somehow made it our problem, not his. What a dick."

"On his first day, when Michael made an elaborate show of learning my name, I could tell he was an asshole. But in a couple weeks, he changed from being an asshole who's proud of himself for knowing my name to the category of El Assholio Supremo del Mundo," Toronto goalie Vesa Toskala said (pictured right). "He really outdid himself."

The worry for most NHL players now is that, having declared himself a supreme unrepentant asshole, Komisarek can now gleefully explore the freedoms of his newfound role.

"The more of an asshole Michael is, the more air-time we get with Don Cherry, and the more games we get on CBC and TSN," said General Manager Brian Burke (pictured right with all his friends). "In Michael, you see a classic example of the cycle of escalating assholedom. Instead of hiding his assholishness and putting on a good show, he brags about it in the locker room as if it's a virtue, because he thinks it will benefit his career. But I don't believe for a minute that he's only an asshole for career advancement. For Micahel, being an asshole is its own reward."

When your humble reporter asked for comments on allegations that he was an asshole, Komisarek did not disagree.

"Hey, you're doing a story on me?" he asked. "Make sure you put it in huge letters on the front page: 'Kosisarek exposed as an asshole and he doesn't give a fuck whether you like it or not.' That'd be hilarious."

Wish granted, sir.