Tuesday, December 29, 2009


THE WORLD - We at HabsBros would like to extend a special thank you to all our dedicated readers out there that have helped us reach the milestone of 16,531 hits.

It's been a long time since we originally opened the site in 1937 and with an average of 0.6 hits per day, it was only a matter of time before we finally reached this incredible milestone.

At this rate, we'll reach the often overlooked milestone of 1 million hits by the year 4566, which is right around the time that the Leafs will win another Stanley Cup. So keep on visiting and we'll keep writing the same quality crap we've been writing for the last 72 years.

Happy new year!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


MONTREAL — In recent months, the National Hockey League has begun to investigate charges that some members of the NHL have used performance-enhancing hugs before and during games.

"These people have no shame," NHL commissioner Gary Bettman said Monday. "Right before a big game, some of these guys will shoot-up on love, sometimes from other players, but other times even from a family member. Shockingly, some players have even been known to exchange hugs during the game itself."

Some hockey insiders have long attested to widespread hug use among players. However, the full scope of the problem was not understood until late October, when McGill University performed a study which showed huge spikes in self-respect, and "warm, fuzzy" feelings.


After reviewing the study, the NHL began an internal investigation and a full-out review of hug-use policies.

"The problem we're seeing is that hug users have a distinct advantage over the hug-free due to being pumped up with confidence," Bettman said. "In our game, endurance and skill are key factors. Hugs serve to artificially heighten a players stamina. Put simply, it's unethical."

The Canadiens in particular have been singled out primarily due to the actions of F George Laraque after he admitted to frequent hug use.

"When people hug me, it makes me feel like I'm the best and that they love me and I can win," Big George told your humble reporter. "I'm a winner!"

Laraque confirmed McGill's study wherein the results seem to indicate that hugs are most often taken during games right after a goal has been scored; a revelation that has shocked the hockey world. In today's NHL, this happens more frequently than ever before.

For Laraque, post-goal hug have become fewer and further between. His urges are heightened each time he is on the ice for an opposing team's goal and is forced to watch the euphoria ensue as the enemy mercilessly hugs each other in front of him; an event that happens all to regularly these days.

Laraque's addiction rages so deeply, that he has been known to join an opposing team after a goal against just for a taste of that sweet juice that is the warm embrace.

In the search for hug users, the NHL has gone over literally hundreds of hours of tape, hoping to catch huggers in the act. They are also relying on testimony from hug users such as Laraque.

"George really stood his ground at first, saying he didn't want to give up his friends due to some kind of 'code'," Bettman said. "That all changed when we promised him a Happy Meal."

More updates as events warrant.

Sunday, December 20, 2009


Recent grumblings across Hab Nation question the anticipated return of defenceman Andrei Markov to the Beautiful Team after an expected four-month layaway, now revised.
It is no secret that apart from acting as the springing board for all Montreal attacks, Andrei Markov represents the whole of Team Russia’s defence and the glue that holds the entire team together. No Markov, no Russia.
By knowing certain doors, greasing certain jams, and bribing certain people, one can access the Bell Centre phone transcripts in the third sub-level of the east wing basement and with the proper tools, jimmy certain file-drawers in which they are held. This is what your dedicated reporter did.
(SUN. NOV. 15. 09) “Hello?”
-“Mr.Bob, my friend!”
-“My friend, Bob!”
-“What can I do for you?”
-“You send Markov outside; we take home and fix. That’s what you do for your friend Dmitriy.”
-“Uhh, I don’t think we can do that, the rules say…”
-“I think of this already, my friend Bob.” We have maskirovka prepared. We have man looks like Markov, but not real Markov. You make walk around and smile, no problem. But no talking. Team not know difference; media not know difference, even mother not know difference. But no talking, Bob. Very important. In the meanwhile, you send real Markov out and we take home and fix with Eastern healing methods.”
-“Listen, Mr.President, I really appreciate what you guys…”
-“Car is downstairs; do not make me come up.”
(Connection terminated.)
Barely 24hrs later, Andrei Markov was knee-deep in Mongolian outback, trudging through pain and snow, and frequently whacked in the back by a bamboo stick held by a very stern and grizzled old man (who, by a happy set of incredible circumstances, your faithful reporter happens to be pen-pals with). “PUSH the snow; not WALK the snow! Push the snow.” Whack!
He was brought to a hidden monastery and told to polish the whole marble floor with spit-shine rags tied to his feet. Markov tried to explain he was there for medical treatment but a quick strike from the bamboo stick interrupted his lament. “POLISH marble; not WIPE the marble! Polish marble.” Whack!
Furthermore, there were only Turkish bathrooms in the place, which meant Markov was forced to squat to pee, and since his diet consisted mainly of rice soup with vegetables and a piece of mutton thrown in on Sundays, you can imagine how often he did this. Still the old man with the bamboo stick was there. “SQUAT to pee; not STAND to pee! Squat to pee.” Whack!
Four weeks passed thusly, fetching water from the well outside through the snow for the soup, polishing the floor he would dirty on his way to and fro, and peeing; all in all, a very drab affair which bordered alarmingly on the unpleasant and not at all in tune with the athlete’s exuberant disposition. Finally, he could take it no longer and rebelled. Markov pointed out rather piqued that he was there to be healed, not to do menial tasks for an old monkey and pee away his insides. The old man stared at him with a curious expression.
“Do ‘Push the Snow’” he said.
-“We’re inside!” Markov whined.
-“Do ‘Push the Snow’!”
As Markov began executing the movements, the old man turned his stick sideways and began cross-checking the NHLer in the chest. Markov pushed through easily. The surprise had barely registered before the old man added “Now, do ‘Polish Marble’!” The old man tried to trip up Markov using his stick to jab at an invisible puck but Markov evaded with brio. “Now, do ‘Squat to Pee’!” As Markov folded at the knees, the old man tried to keep him down by pushing on his shoulders but was cast off without difficulty at every rise.
“You are healed and may return to Canada now, Andrei. You will do proud Mother Russia. Dmitriy tell me to say that you not be seen in same place as your double when you get back or the maskirovka is kaput. He also say he will keep good eye on your family while you are in Vancouver. Dasvidaniya, comrade; I am off to write letter to reporter friend.”
Andrei Markov hurriedly caught the next badger-pulled sled outta the monastery, the next horse-drawn carriage outta the village, the next 78hp engine car outta town, the next taxi to the train station, the next train to the airport, and the next flight outta the country. Arrived in Montreal Thursday evening. Had a steak.
More updates as conspiracy warrants.

Saturday, December 12, 2009


Excerpt, Ville-Marie Inq. “Lee”: Due to the storm that befell the Central Hall and rendered the timber sodden, all events presented here took place in adjacent yard stable, large enough to accommodate the representatives of our dearest friends.
The accused was brought in to counsel four crows past Compline on the ninth day before second solstice. While accounts of heresy are to remain objective, there is no denying that the stink of evil instantly permeated the room and gasps of disgust could barely be stifled from the sober and stoic faithful there to witness an examination of the Method.
The accused was first asked to name himself and his profession. He answered that it was Chris Lee and that he was an official for the NHL and it is at this point that the Wise Prosecutor noticed the wretch’s first mistake.
Those in the room were made to notice how the accused puts the intonation in the word “official” as if to automatically take precedence over mortal men, which is a custom of demons that cannot contain their vanity. The accused began to deny these charges but was hotly informed by the Prosecutor that no one was here to play games. The charges were then read to the wretch and he was informed that it would be greatly preferred that he confess before nightfalll as the nights tended to get a bit cool rather swiftly.
The accused immediately countered with false freneticism that there was nothing for him to confess. The Wise Prosecutor thus observed how the accused, like all his kind, feel so justified in their quest to rape the natural world that they do not see the harm they cause nor even consider the crimes they have committed to be anything less than a biological mechanism akin to men breathing or sleeping.
The accused then began to speak as if a man, imitating our use of logic and reason to an uncanny degree, mentioning rules of the game and the blind strikes of chance that affect every second of every day in every walk of life, just as the Higher One had planned in His eternal wisdom, and that in fact, there was no crime, only a pendulum swing of dire fortune that one day, would quickly be rebalanced.
But the Wise Prosecutor was not to be tricked by mesmerism or hypnotism or other tools of the devil. There were other ways to elicit confessions once an accused refused the forthright and honourable one presented by the Wise Prosecutor at the start of the inquest.
It was then the hot chains were taken off the coals and fastened to the wretch’s wrists and the screams that rose from its throat were surely not those of a man. The curses hurled towards the Wise Prosecutor and even to the sober and stoic faithful were certainly not conceived in any human tongue as their very vileness caused even strong-willed Partisans to blanch.
Amidst the cacophony of evil, the Wise Prosecutor pointed at the being and made everyone in the room aware of how these creatures really behave when surrounded by the comfort of flames because it is in this comfort that they inevitably let their guard down and, assuming that they are back home in Hell and that they can only be speaking with their brethren, they divulge their true agendas.
And so it was the case with Lee. The accused readily confessed to both counts:
1) He was aware the goal was good and purposefully erased it by claiming his intention was to do so earlier regardless of the outcome. This shows premeditation of Sabotage.
2) He is full member of underground referee society whose sole intention is to bring about the downfall of the Holy Flannel Empire by affecting outcomes of events through fabricated penalties and corrupting themselves to our enemies. This shows premeditation of Treason.
Sentence to be carried out when temperatures warrant.

Monday, December 7, 2009


WASHINGTON - Recently, you may remember, your humble reporter was in Washington to report on the game between the Capitals and your Canadiens (the former being the one based in Washington). As yours truly awaited a totally unjustified hearing, a most interesting piece of news was overheard...

Allegedly, members of the Washington Capitals are opting not to tell superstar forward Alexander Ovechkin about the fact that he is missing one of his front teeth, saying they are fearful of the embarrassment it might cause him.

You may have seen recently that Matt Bradley played the Weeble Wobble to Paul Holmgren's fists the other night. Well, as he stood in the precinct pressing charges, he confessed to your dedicated reporter about the situation.

"Look," he said, "it's awkward because when he's on the bench trying to get us psyched up, there's this huge ugly gap in his mouth where he just keeps sticking his tongue." Bradly added that he just couldn't concentrate that night he got smoked by Holmgren because, even though Ovechkin wasn't playing, he couldn't shake the image of that time he saw a huge chunk of AAA steak stuck in that gap in Ovechkin's face.

Bradley admitted that the reason Ovechkin's been getting hurt recently is because the team is "missing assignments" in hopes that a few more teeth will get knocked out to even things up. "Our hope is he gets to be as pretty as Bob Clark."

As your arraigned reporter is well aware given familiarity with past Habs of the same nationality, it was a man's duty to warn Bradley, you don't fuck with powerful Russians.

More updates as events warrant.