Saturday, October 30, 2010


Few teams around the world would have the audacity to even suggest any contention for the role of Greatest Team in the History of the World, even disregarding the fact that your Superior Montreal Canadiens are, sans surprise, mind you, currently holding first positions in the North-East Division, the Eastern Association, and the National Hockey League respectively. But even FEWER teams would dare to propose owning the rights to an extraordinarily-talented player who was as vicious, as barbaric, and as dangerous as Benny Poolio, especially not after witnessing his emergence in the rough-and-tumble atmosphere of the most demanding professional sports league on the planet. And indeed, it is that emergence which has led this team to these utmost heights.
Your cell-phone number-triangulating reporter (pictured left) got in touch with the Hab hero after another game-winning performance.
-That was a nice game-winning goal, Benny. Against a Stanley Cup champion team to boot.
“Yeah, it felt good. But I took a little mustard off the shot because it would’ve gone through the net, then the glass, and mighta hurt somebody in the stands, and we have clear instructions from the League not to get involved with folks in the stands. The fact the goal came against a great, great team like the Islanders doesn’t change anything. What’s important is not hurting the fans.”
-Still, that puck got in there in a hurry. And a nice play by Halpern to set you up.
“Yeah, I was yelling at him to pass. He did a great play and he heard me at the last minute when the 'D' closed up on him. It was a perfect pass.”
-Puck seemed to be hopping on the play. He could’ve missed it though.
“He knows better than to miss a pass for me. The coaches would’ve been on him for making waves.”
-Wh…what does that mean?
“They say I’m a wild dog, man. That I’m totally nuts. They keep repeating that to me and hey, maybe they’re right. Everyone keeps telling me I’m the best player on this team and that I should take my gloves off, (they mean my metaphorical gloves, not my hockey ones, of course) and use my innate hostility to my advantage. I’m thinking about maybe considering doing that, but awww, I dunno.”
-Why are you played on the 4th line if you’re best player on the team, Benny?
“Because they’re scared of me, I guess. No one wants to play with me. Too much of a rebel, they say. Gomie is sleeping; Gio is slumping; I got five points; I'm playing great, and I’M on the 4th line? Do the math. I’m getting blamed for the veterans playing like crap. So instead, they say that I could be a part of Halpern’s acclimatization process towards the team, like the guy’s never played hockey before or something.”
-Well, sure seems Halpern’s responding. He’s producing.
“Of course he’s producing; he’s playing with me.”
-You lead the team in hits. What is it about you that brings out the most aggressiveness aspect of the Montreal Canadiens?
“I’m good at hurting people. I don’t mean to be; it just comes natural. Do I enjoy it? No, it’s just business. I’m just playing my game out there. The guys who want to hinder me playing my game get demolished; it’s just that simple. It’s not my fault that I’m a full-blown reckless maniac, honestly. I get half a chance and I go on full attack like a wild animal. I can’t help it; it’s what I do, man. I pounce. Totally Wild Kingdom.”
-Why do you fall down all the time then? I don’t see that on Wild Kingdom.
“Well.., I guess I get to projecting on the pain I’m about to inflict on opponents, which releases endorphins in my brain and I get giddy. Get dizzy, lose my balance. I still have to work on that, you know, mentally. But even on my butt, I can pass and I can score and I’m really, really dangerous, and I sure don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings, but don’t mess with me, man.”
-Are you guys planning to celebrate the win somehow tonight? You are playing tomorrow after all.
“Yeah, I’m gonna cut loose a bit, maybe add a teaspoon of sugar to my decaf.”
-You’re totally out there, Benny. Coaches ok with that?
“I don’t care, man; I’m crazy. I say what goes… I mean, if that’s alright with everybody and everything.”
-What can we expect from you as the season wears on?
“Same thing you’ve seen so far: total domination on the ice whenever I touch the puck, the vision of a shaman, softer moves than the Road of Silk, and the wrath of god incarnate when I hit somebody.”
-And there’s no holding you back?
“Hold me back? Listen, Minnesota couldn’t hold me back, the coaches can’t hold me back, the 4th line can’t hold me back, nothing can hold me back. I’d like to see any nancy boys freakin try holding me back. You want to be in 1st place or not?”
-Benny, you my boy.
“Screw you, weirdo.” *Click.*
There you have it, dear readers, the sign-off of a stone-cold pit-fighter. He’s called Benny Poolio, but he’s better known as Psycho Boy: the Kid with the Goofy Face and the Will of Steel.

This article brought to you by Mental Nuts. There’s no toughness like Mental toughness. Mental, That’s One Tough Nut.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


ANAHEIM - In your humble reporter's ongoing saga of stalking ex-Canadiens, the next stop was former captain, Saku Koivu. No, he's not dead like you thought he was. Instead, he's moved on to play for some Junior B club called the Anaheim Ducks. Apparently, they used to be mighty.

After days in the bushes outside Koivu's home, sifting through trash and befriending hobos for information, yours truly was discovered by some other guy from Finland named Teomafor Sellaneak (or something like that, I mean, who can understand these people?).

Fortunately, this sly columnist was able to talk his way out of being reported to the authorities and managed to get a story out of it. This is how it went:

- So Mr. Koivu, how have you been?
- "Relaxed. This is not at all like Montreal."
- But what do you do now that you're retired?
- "What? I still play hockey in the NHL! Wait... I'm sorry... Are you handicapped?"
- Only when I play golf.
- "..."
- Anyways, what NHL team are you playing for? I was unaware of others besides Montreal.
- "I play for the Anaheim Ducks. So does Selanne over there. Yeah, I know it's not a real team, but keep it on the down-low okay? He gets upset when people tell him that."
- Sure thing. What's it like to play out here? Having played in Montreal, it must be so easy, yes?
- "Well, yeah. It's a joke out here. But the trick is to make it look like you're trying really hard, when you're really just chillin'. You feel me, dawg?"
- Surfer slang?
- Sort of.
- "So what's you're best moment here so far?"

At this point, the story must break, as just writing down the words spoken by the former captain don't do the story justice. For this moment was so poetic. So beautiful, it brought this stoic journalist to his knees.

Koivu's Anaheim story? Well, it is a simple tale... Of incredible bravery.. And unmatched heroism...

In a game against the Dallas Stars, he was on the ice... Alone... The Stars outnumbered him one hundred to one... So the odds were almost even...


Others on the Ducks were not strong enough for the task. Casualties of war, no doubt. But also casualties of love...

Despite the world stacked against him, Koivu still managed to score five goals on one single shot. And upon his return to the bench, a hero's welcome.

Plus some smooching from some chick in a tight sweater.

Amazing... Truly amazing... Your staunch reporter was taken by the story and impressed at what had transpired, saddened only by the fact that it had not occurred in Montreal.

Unfortunately, after retreating back to the low budget motel the meager HabsBros budget afforded him, this reporter sought the truth, as he always does. And found that what had really happened was that Koivu had been hit by Mike Ribeiro and had staggered to the Anaheim bench crying and bleeding, then he fainted.

But we'll let our captain have this one though.

More updates as events warrant.

Monday, October 25, 2010


OTTAWA — You may have noticed that your favorite reporter has not updated on this site all that often recently. This is due mostly to the fact that yours truly has been kicking off a new series on the site called "Stalking Your Favorite Ex-Canadiens". Our first stop is Mr. Alex Kovalev.

After badgering our good buddy Kovalev repeatedly, the former All-Star MVP and Stanely Cup winner finally admitted to his totally trust-worthy reporter friend that he's "just not into it anymore."

Kovalev is in the final year of his 2-year contract with the Ottawa Senators, a deal he signed after being unable to come to terms with your Montreal Canadiens. However, since signing with the Senators, he has only compiled 50 points, a massive disappointment considering his lofty $5M per season salary.

"Yeah, well, whatever," Kovalev said after a practice to which he arrived, took four or five halfhearted wrist shots, and left the ice. "This whole hockey business isn't really my thing right now. Not since I left Montreal anyways."

When asked if he cared about ever winning another Cup, Kovalev responded, "In Ottawa? Seriously? What would be the point? Now, Montreal..."

More updates as events warrant.

Saturday, October 16, 2010


It’s called the Rheostar SX3. It is the most technologically advanced bionic knee on the market and the finest example of modern science known to man. It allows the person wearing it the ability to double his speed on slippery surfaces, spring 25ft straight up over chain-linked fences, debilitate adversaries with ungodly charley-horses, fold swimming pool tarps, crush watermelons, crease pants, load flat-bed trucks with a simple kick, and look utterly chic while doing it all. It is the paragon of human engineering and it has Andrei Markov’s name on it.
Only problem is, it’s stuck in a bonded warehouse in Brussels.
This information came to light during a visit at the Markov residence, the motive of which was to pick up a recipe for Veal Orloff. We were discussing which mushrooms to use in the purée when the phone rang and the Norris candidate leaped to attention with a smile on his face.
“My Rheostar has arrived!” he exclaimed.
Smelling a scoop, and conscientious as ever of the responsibility he holds towards the public at large, your methodical reporter made sure to record it all.
“Oh, vuk, now what?” Markov began straightaway rubbing his eyes as if he had a headache.
“Brussels?! For how long?”
“But I HAVE the vukking certificate. I send you! You have it in hands for two weeks!”
“Vhat do you mean ‘arouse suspicion’; I’m a vukking hockey player! It’s a mechanical KNEE!” Now he was shouting.
“Platinum, not plutonium! So what if they are stupid? Why must this affect ME? Explain difference between platinum and plutonium, what is problem?”
“I tell everyone I will be ready for this day, then that day, then maybe this day, then this Saturday…what the VUK?! Now, I look like little vudak waiting for mommy’s birthday!”
“Vhat more? Vhat more do I get to not ‘arouse suspicion’ then?” steamed Markov.
“But I don’t need medical expen…expenasure…whatever vukking word is, I don’t…”
“But this…eto pizd dets…this is vukked up! YOU told me you could rebuild me. YOU told me you had the technology. YOU told me you had the capability to make the first of my kind. Better than I was before. Better, stronger, faster. THIS is what you say to me! Now, I need extra vukking parts and must bribe vukking customs official for this to happen?! Maybe I send some friends over there to peel all your eyelids off with vukking pliers instead! Huh? Maybe I do that, yes?”
“Vuk’s sake…” Markov’s shoulders sagged. “Ok. Do it. Vhat the hell can I do? Buy the extra, bribe that vukking clown, and just move it along because I am sick of looking like idyot zhofu. Ty che blyad.”
“Ok, dosvid…oh, vait! Vait a second, hold on, hold on. How much is dis going to cost me?”
“SIX MILLION DOLLARS?!! The man’s shriek was so loud that the caged parakeets beside your wide-eyed reporter became panic-stricken and knocked themselves out flying into their bars. Markov heard the commotion and turned to see…and remembered he had a guest.
“Vait a second, you;” he said into the phone. “You,” he said to yours truly, “Get the vuk out. No time for Orloff today. Go get Big Mac or something.”
--But what about the mushroom purée?
“Get the vuk OUT!”
Aw, nuts.
More updates when events warrant.

Thursday, October 7, 2010


The 2010-2011 NHL season officially gets underway tonight for the greatest team in the history of the world, Your Forewarned Montreal Canadiens. As Coach Jack Marty placed himself under the glare of our floodlights for the morning press conference, we braced ourselves for another round of tired-out clichés so trite in their invention , so lame in their execution, and so offensive in their overall degenerative properties, that if you didn’t ingurgitate a handful of anti-cringe pills a good two hours before the show, you’d be in for an incredibly rough morning. But hey, it’s the job.
The head-coach of the finest team of champions this planet has ever seen began to tap the microphone to make sure it was functioning properly as well as to loudly clear his throat to make sure sound was coming out of it. For us congregated on the floor, it sounded like being inside a shipping container with a sick baboon whilst falling down a sink-hole and banging into every side on the way down. We often wondered if he didn’t do this on purpose in order that we’d be anxious to leave! But it’s so cold outside and the danishes here are so good and we have miles to go before we tweet. So we took a dump in our pants and dived right in.
-What do you think of this new edition of the Montreal Canadiens, Jack?
“This edition is definitely similar to the one we had last year get us to the playoffs and to the Eastern Conference Final. Apart from a number 1 goalie, a clutch-scoring defensive forward, and a power-play rocket-blaster, we’re exactly the same.”
-Is Carey Price ready for number 1 duties?
“Of course he is. Do you think we would trade away the goalie that’s been carrying this franchise two out of the last three years and the Olympic Titan, Jaroslav Halak, for a Maytag washer and two tickets to “Eat, Pray, Love” if we weren’t sure? Of course we’re sure.”
-Will the flu keep him out of the first game?
“We’re still determining that, determining, that is, whether he can play tonight with the flu or whether we can use that flu as context for his performance.”
-What does that mean, Jack?
“Forget what it means; just write it down.”
-Would Lars Eller have made the team if he’d been drafted instead of being a return on the Halak deal?
“Why you gotta ask questions like that? Don’t ask questions like that.”
-You’re the reason Benny Poolio is here instead of Latendresse. How do you propose to make him a more consistent contributor this season?
“Those are coaching techniques best left between me and him. He knows what this organization expects of him, and that’s mainly to strive so that we don’t lose face in the deal. That’s an added incentive for me and I intend to work very hard with Benny so that he can be an important element to our team and that we do not lose that face. It’s up to me to get him to take that next step forward and I enjoy that challenge as a coach. How I actually do it, like I said, is between us, but it will be simple and efficient, that, I can tell you.”
-Have you sent the video of Nino Niederreiter incurring Cammalleri’s wrath by not being nice to him to Colin Campbell?
“Uhh, no.”
-What kind of leash will Andrei Kostitsyn be on this year?
“A Glanzen & Beckner ball-choker 3000.”
-How do you feel about Tomas Plekanec’s mindset going into the season with his new contract?
“How do I feel about his mindset? I guess I feel great about it. He’s shown that he can step up in the preseason and prove to the organization that he’s ready to play. We never doubted that. We just doubt he can do it in the playoffs. Mindset. You know. But we feel confident with him as a player and a leader on our team.”
-What’s the game-plan heading into your confrontation with the leafs tonight without, arguably, your three most important players?
“Game-plan? It’s the leafs. The game-plan will be to keep the puck away from them as long as we can without laughing and to score at will until they send out the goons. Same game-plan as always.”
-Surely a player like Kessel gives cause for concern?
“Not for us he doesn’t. We’d rather have Tyler Seguin and a 1st round pick, first of all, and secondly, once he’s checked, who’s left? A team of monkeys, that’s what’s left. And I assure you, the Montreal Canadiens can beat a team of monkeys with half it’s roster, nevermind only three missing, any day of the week and twice on Thursdays. So if they wanna play a second game after we trash them the first one tonight, we’ll certainly entertain the notion.”
-Final breakdown, please, Jack?
“Hit me.”
-Poolio, Kostitsyn, Eller.
-Gomie, Plecky, Lappy.
-Boyd, Halpern, Picard.
“Spacek, The Hamr, O’B.
-Carey Price.
“Greatest guy in the effin world.”
There you have it, dear readers, the straight dope as always. As for the 2010-2011 NHL season that carries the unimaginable weight of expectations borne out of a magical run that only allowed the team to squeeze into the playoffs, which were handed over sealed-and-delivered by the Jesus Express courtesy of a player who’s no longer here, your dastardly machiavellic Coach Marty was heard to remark
“Bring it.”
As we intend to do when events warrant.


MONTEAL — As winter tightens its grip on this, the greatest nation on Earth (by the way, that's Canada), hockey fans from coast to coast are breaking out their team sweaters and preparing to dig in for this latest thrill ride that is the new hockey season.

In the USA, however, the story is a bit different (no matter what NBC says)...

"What? Hockey's back? Well, I'm glad they finally got that lockout thing resolved," said North Dakota resident Gary Johnston. "I remember I used to see some games on TV now and then," he paused and looked into the air as if recalling some perfect memory. "Come to think of it. It's nice they're going to have that again."

"Well, in any case, I hope we can at least beat the Soviets again," Johnston added.

Unlike the well-informed Mr. Johnston, true fans of the NHL (like us here in Canada) know that there is nothing quite like the game of hockey. And it took its sudden disappearance from the world of competitive sports during the lockout a few years ago to cement us all as hockey faithful. And with the new season upon us, we die-hard fans stand upon the precipice of the great events that are sure to occur, and we cannot stand to wait any longer.

Mr. Johnston is equally excited as he claims his anticipation of being thrilled by the breathtaking exploits of household names such as Bobby Orr, Mario Lemieux, Darcy Tucker, Paul Coffey, Barry Melrose, the Quebec Nordiques, and Wayne "The Great" Gretzky.

Game on, baby... Game on...

More updates as events warrant.