Tuesday, December 21, 2010


Your Destiny-driven Montreal Canadiens are in Texas tonight to take on Mike Ribeiro and his band of chicken-fried gumbo-eating cronies. Normally, a hockey game presented nearer to Tijuana than your house to a corner-store wouldn’t receive much press, but it is in these circumstances nonetheless that both of the team’s most talented young players have been shown a red card by the club and are to sit out tonight’s game: Benny Poolio for a hit on his +/- sheet in the last three games, and PK Soobie for consistent giveaways after undeserved initial benching. The young Habs are getting the shaft. That much seems clear. Yet, your adamant reporter sought confirmation before publication and called up the Lavalife Hotline to get said young Habs’ voice-box numbers so we could exchange on the matter.
-Benny, do you think you’re getting the shaft by being relegated the way you are?
“Well, the coach sees the game the way he sees it, and I need to work harder to earn more time on the ice. I think I’ve been playing pretty good but there’s always room for improvement to be, you know, more consistent.”
-Yeah, but don’t you think you’re getting screwed though?
“No. I think that as a young player, you have to pay your dues and work hard all the time. The team wants me to succeed if they traded for me, so they’re doing what’s best for me for the future.”
-Yeah, but, don’t you think you should be playing more and that it’s total garbage that Eller is preferred over you, especially on the top line?
“Well, of course I want to play more but…”
-Ok, thanks, Benny, I knew it was garbage right from the get-go.
“Wait, I didn…”
-PK, do you think you’re getting the shaft by being benched tonight?
“Getting the shaft, no, I mean, a young guy coming into this league, there’s gonna be mistakes, you know? I mean, we all saw it, I have to be more careful with my passing sometimes, because a mistake like that, and next thing, it’s in the back of your net.”
-But considering every team has young players they’re breaking in, don’t you think your coach has his head up his butt for sidelining you and stifling your learning process?
“Watching the game from the press-box is part of the learning process sometimes. I think the coach, and the whole staff really, are doing their best to make me a better player every day and, like you said, it’s a process and I’m a young player, and there are gonna be mistakes sometimes.”
-Don’t you think the coaching staff should just admit to themselves as well as the whole world that they don’t have the first single solitary clue what the hell they’re doing and to just let you frikkin play?
“Well, I think that might be going a little too…”
-Yeah, I though that might be it too. Thanks, PK. Got all I need.
With direct confirmation from the persons involved following Benny Poulio’s assertion that playing Eller ahead of him was total garbage and PK Soobie’s more-than-plain suggestion that the coaching staff didn’t have the first clue on how to treat him as a player, your diligent reporter (pictured right) could now present his article confident in the knowledge that the truth mirrored his opinion and wasn’t the product of other influences apart utmost objectivity.
The Young Habs are getting the shaft and it’s just a matter of time before…
“Straight-dope Factory?”
“Jack Marty here. Two kids just called me, peein in their pants. What are you doing over there?”
-Doing my JOB, Jack; hell you think I’m doing?
“I think you might be getting ahead of yourself and maybe you don’t want to post what you’re thinking of posting.”
-I think maybe I do, Jack.
“Maybe we can work something out.”
-Yeah? How?
“I’ll put’em back on the ice. Red card revoked. They’ll play tonight.”
-You serious?
“You knows it, baby.”
-Ok. Hey, that’s great.
“Done. Ciao.”
Ok…uhh.., well now, this just goes to show how great a team like the Grandiose Montreal Canadiens can adapt to situations on the fly, dear reader. They see a problem, in this instance, me and my big mouth, and they head it off at the pass. Foresight. Initiative. Focus. Execution. Playing the young guns is certainly proof of their brilliance in all those aspects. Sitting out Benny Poolio isn’t a garbage move because they didn’t do it, and the coaching staff DOES know what it’s doing because PK Soobie ISN’T sitting. It just works out so nicely once again. The organization understands that the young Montreal Canadiens are the veteran Montreal Canadiens of the future and they need to be given the confidence to go with their responsibilities despite the occasional mistakes they may make. In fact, no other team in the history of the world understands this as perfectly as the Masterful Montreal Canadiens do, and I can assure you that THIS time, it’s objectively-speaking.

More updates as events warrant.

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