Monday, January 14, 2008


Last Saturday the New York Rangers played host to our beloved Montreal Canadiens. You may have watched the game, seen highlights or read about it somewhere. What you were told by the media was that the Canadiens played a terrible game and were defeated dramatically by the Rangers.

They were lying to you.

Sure, the Canadiens lost. Sure it was terrible. But they did it on purpose.

Before the game, Henrik Lundqvist approached Rangers team owner James Dolan regarding a religious issue. Lundqvist had been mired in a slump of sorts for quite some time. In an effort to improve his game, Lundqvist spent an evening with Jimmy Fallon (of SNL fame) in hopes of getting some sound advice. After several lines of cocaine, Lundqvist became a devout Aztec.

As a result, Dolan requested a meeting with Canadiens owner George Gillette (and inevitably coach Guy Carbonneau). In their discussion, Lundqvist explained that January 12th was a special day for him; one that involved him committing a personal sacrifice to the Aztec sun god, Huitzilopochtli (Huey, for short).

Not wanting to anger any gods, especially one controlling the sun, the Canadiens brass decided to throw the game. Hence the terrible play and lack of goal scoring. Yet another reason to respect and cheer for our team! Good job, boys!

Happily, the Rangers won the game and Lundqvist was allowed to stab himself in the penis and offer up the blood to Huitzilopochtli thereby appeasing him.

Now you know.

No comments: