GAINEY: THE TRUTH

MONTREAL - Avid readers of HabsBros may have noticed that your intrepid reporter has not posted an article in some time. Well my friends, this is merely because the depths at which this under cover report has come from has required a level of commitment that is unprecedented in this field.

Several weeks ago, your humble correspondent decided it was time to find out just what it was that Mr. Bob Gainey (then GM of YOUR Montreal Canadiens) does (or does not) do on a daily basis. The best way to achieve this goal was to be disguised within his office.

Here are some excerpts of conversations overheard by your abase journalist during his mission:

Bob: Janice, would you be so kind to get me some coffee?
Janice: Sure. Hey, did you get a new chair?
Bob: Hmm... Looks like it. Kind of ugly, isn't it?
Janice: Sure is. Never seen one with a hat before. Anyways, I'll get you that coffee. Also, there's a message from Sutter in Calgary on your phone.
*BEEP*
Sutter: Bob, Darryl here. Listen, I'm looking to offload Phaneauf and I know you've been having some troubles on 'D' this year. Call me, I think we can make a deal.

Well, as we all know, Phaneauf did not come to Montreal. Bob went out for some chili - oh God, the chili - and debated the consequences of having a dominant defenceman on his squad. By the time he decided to think about making a decision, well Brian Burke had already stepped in.

Bob: Janice, would you be so kind as to get me some Pepto? I have some serious gas today.
Janice: Sure. Hey, why does your chair keep gagging?
Bob: Not sure.
Janice: Isn't that annoying?
Bob: A bit, but I like the way it cups me, you know?
Janice: Okay, well anyways, there's another message from Sutter.
*BEEP*
Sutter: Bob, Darryl here. Listen, sorry about that Phaneauf thing. I waited for like a week, so I just figured... Anyways, Jokinen is available too. I know you've had issues with scoring this year and God forbid Cammalleri gets hurt, so if you want him, I'd be willing to take just about anything. Give me a call... I miss you.

Well, again another deal didn't happen. Bob went for some onion soup and refried beans and debated the consequences of having consistent secondary scoring on his roster. By the time he decided to consider looking into making a decision about having a thought towards the situation concerning making a decision, well Glen Sather had already completed a transaction.

Bob: Janice, would you be so kind as to get me some Bean-o?
Janice: Sure. Hey, did your chair just throw up?
Bob: Yeah, it seems to do that whenever I... Well those beans from yesterday...
Janice: That's kind of gross, you know.
Bob: Yeah, but my afternoon porn sessions wouldn't be the same without this chair.
Janice: Okay... Well anyways, there's a message from Waddell on your phone.
*BEEP*
Waddell: Bob, Don here. A long time ago, one of your predecessors tried to get Kovalchuk from me during the draft. I rejected that, but now I have to get rid of him and I wonder if you still have interest. I need to dump salary and draft picks don't help me. So basically, I'm looking to take anything you can offer. A good night out like old times might even be enough. Give me a call, would you?

This was the first time I saw genuine interest from Gainey. His balls were positively sweaty! God I wish he wore pants...

Gainey went for some Panago Pizza and contemplated the consequences of having a bonified 50-goal scorer in the line-up. Could the Canadiens win? Would anyone's feelings get hurt? What if he wanted to wear #23? Does he look good in red? Will he be able to adapt to driving in Montreal? Can he tie a slip knot?

Long story short, another missed deal.

Bob: Janice, where are you?
...
Bob: Janice?
...
*BEEP*
Molson: Bob. Go home. Get out. Don't come back.

More updates when the chaffing stops.

GAINEY BLOWS SUPERBOWL CALL; LAST STRAW FOR MOLSON

When Tracy Porter intercepted Peyton Manning’s pass and ran it back to the house, it spelled the end of Mr. Bob Gainey’s tenure with the greatest hockey team in the history of the world. Geoff Molson had offered his GM the opportunity to make the Superbowl call in his place in a bet opposing the Montreal owner to George Gillett, chuckling heartily in Vail. Bob Gainey chose the Colts. Having to shave his head in defeat to now be prancing about with a skull-cap and a wig, the humiliated brewer had seen enough, and strongly suggested the GM take the door. Still fuming over how silly he looks in beaver hair, Mr. Molson could not attend the press conference announcing the news. President Boivin took the reins.
“It’s been an honour to have Mr. Bob Gainey here with the Montreal Canadiens. It’s been a privilege to consider him as a friend all this time. He brought us instant class and respectability when he joined our organization. All we could ask more of him was that he be a Saint. Unfortunately, it was the only thing he was unable to do and it is with great regret that we all came to the conclusion that he should step down as of consequence.”
-Mr. Boivin, is it really important that Mr. Gainey be able to call the winner in the American football championship?
“You bet it's important," the team president said. “It's a matter of respect and sensitivity to the reality of frenchies; I mean, the logo is right there on the helmet, ferpetessakes! Far as we were concerned, it was an easy call and he blew it.”
Pierre Gauthier, erstwhile second fiddle, takes the maestro stick and strikes up the Bleu-Blanc-Brass Bonanza. He wasted no time in making friends.
“It's an honour for me to become general manager of the Canadiens," Pierre Gauthier said. "But this day is not about me, it's about the Montreal Canadiens and the future of the Franchise. Our goal is the same as it always was: to prop up the Priceberg.”

Pierre Boivin then coughed and nudged Gauthier in the ribs.
“Uhh, errr, we have two strong young goaltenders who give us a chance to win every night," the new GM amended. "We believe we can go forward with them, and they give us our best chance to get into the playoffs, and if Halak ever decides to drop the ball...” Gauthier then reacted sharply as one would when kicked in the shin underneath the table.
When asked if the Canadiens would be buyers or sellers come trade deadline, the response was less about the fluff and more about the marble.
“We’re builders. We have 11 new players from nine different organizations, and I think we only have four frenchies,” Gauthier said. “Getting the team to where we want it to be is part of an ongoing process. That means we have to move ahead directly with our plans to achieve success, namely, to sign Tomas Plekanec as quickly as possible and to foresee the Saints as winners of the next Superbowl, both of which we are prepared to do at this juncture. And the frenchies? Whoa, baby, watch the frenchies is all I gotta say. That’s how you build a winner, chéri.”

As if to prove the point, Gauthier's first move was to send White and Trotter back to Hamilton and keep Desharnais as lone hanger-on with the club.

We're in business now.
More updates who dat warrant.