Friday, February 12, 2010


MONTREAL - Avid readers of HabsBros may have noticed that your intrepid reporter has not posted an article in some time. Well my friends, this is merely because the depths at which this under cover report has come from has required a level of commitment that is unprecedented in this field.

Several weeks ago, your humble correspondent decided it was time to find out just what it was that Mr. Bob Gainey (then GM of YOUR Montreal Canadiens) does (or does not) do on a daily basis. The best way to achieve this goal was to be disguised within his office.

Here are some excerpts of conversations overheard by your abase journalist during his mission:

Bob: Janice, would you be so kind to get me some coffee?
Janice: Sure. Hey, did you get a new chair?
Bob: Hmm... Looks like it. Kind of ugly, isn't it?
Janice: Sure is. Never seen one with a hat before. Anyways, I'll get you that coffee. Also, there's a message from Sutter in Calgary on your phone.
Sutter: Bob, Darryl here. Listen, I'm looking to offload Phaneauf and I know you've been having some troubles on 'D' this year. Call me, I think we can make a deal.

Well, as we all know, Phaneauf did not come to Montreal. Bob went out for some chili - oh God, the chili - and debated the consequences of having a dominant defenceman on his squad. By the time he decided to think about making a decision, well Brian Burke had already stepped in.

Bob: Janice, would you be so kind as to get me some Pepto? I have some serious gas today.
Janice: Sure. Hey, why does your chair keep gagging?
Bob: Not sure.
Janice: Isn't that annoying?
Bob: A bit, but I like the way it cups me, you know?
Janice: Okay, well anyways, there's another message from Sutter.
Sutter: Bob, Darryl here. Listen, sorry about that Phaneauf thing. I waited for like a week, so I just figured... Anyways, Jokinen is available too. I know you've had issues with scoring this year and God forbid Cammalleri gets hurt, so if you want him, I'd be willing to take just about anything. Give me a call... I miss you.

Well, again another deal didn't happen. Bob went for some onion soup and refried beans and debated the consequences of having consistent secondary scoring on his roster. By the time he decided to consider looking into making a decision about having a thought towards the situation concerning making a decision, well Glen Sather had already completed a transaction.

Bob: Janice, would you be so kind as to get me some Bean-o?
Janice: Sure. Hey, did your chair just throw up?
Bob: Yeah, it seems to do that whenever I... Well those beans from yesterday...
Janice: That's kind of gross, you know.
Bob: Yeah, but my afternoon porn sessions wouldn't be the same without this chair.
Janice: Okay... Well anyways, there's a message from Waddell on your phone.
Waddell: Bob, Don here. A long time ago, one of your predecessors tried to get Kovalchuk from me during the draft. I rejected that, but now I have to get rid of him and I wonder if you still have interest. I need to dump salary and draft picks don't help me. So basically, I'm looking to take anything you can offer. A good night out like old times might even be enough. Give me a call, would you?

This was the first time I saw genuine interest from Gainey. His balls were positively sweaty! God I wish he wore pants...

Gainey went for some Panago Pizza and contemplated the consequences of having a bonified 50-goal scorer in the line-up. Could the Canadiens win? Would anyone's feelings get hurt? What if he wanted to wear #23? Does he look good in red? Will he be able to adapt to driving in Montreal? Can he tie a slip knot?

Long story short, another missed deal.

Bob: Janice, where are you?
Bob: Janice?
Molson: Bob. Go home. Get out. Don't come back.

More updates when the chaffing stops.

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