LARS ELLER MAKING A SPLASH

Your Majestic Montreal Canadiens are dominating the North-East Division, sending their opposition into panic-stricken, closed-door, war-room conferences in an effort to determine how in Lord Jebus’ holy name to counter such supreme awesomeness and from what spring of superior hockeyness doth it emanate. Obviously, those efforts have failed, for your Royal Montreal Canadiens are still right where they should be, at el numero uno, but the reason those efforts have failed is because everyone is looking everywhere except where they should, that is, at the sneaky Dane, Lars Eller, the fantastic return on the Jaroslav Halak trade to St. Louie.
Such was the spiel your impressionable reporter gobbled with glee when he had occasion to meet the team’s head coach at the home-based daycare operators strike taking place in Sainte-Julie. Proudly hoisting a placard with the words “We want more money for takin care’o’kids all day long! We’re sick’o’the kids!”, Jack Marty agreed to share his thoughts.
“I’m sick of the kids!”
-Can we talk hockey, coach?
“Hit me.”
-Is the team contemplating sending Lars Eller down to Hamilton?
“What? Why would we do that? He’s doing such a great job. A good player who’s helping the club. Making a big splash with us.”
-Cannonball or poop dropping in toilet splash?
“Cannonball.”
-So do you consider to have gotten good trade value in the…
“Yes, I do. We are still surprised that St. Louie would part with him.”
-Are you surprised then that he’s not producing?
“He IS producing. It’s just the League hasn’t properly looked at the tape where he touches the puck a little before we score but it’s quick and you can hardly see it. We’ve actually sent a letter to the home office about it and we’re still waiting for a response so I can’t really say more about it until that’s settled with the League, so don’t ask me anymore questions about that, please.”
-Why is he only playing 5 minutes a game? Don’t you think he would develop better if he saw more time on ice and began to gain experience, good or bad, against this calibre of play?
“Well, we can’t play him more because if we did, the games would end much too lopsidedly and we don’t want to embarrass the other clubs or have the games degenerate into brawls because that’s what would happen. We’re biding our time over here. The kid is so good, he would paint a target on his back and we feel it’s too early in the season for that. He’s doing just enough now that we win, yet he remains in the shadows, so to speak, so that when it’s all on the line, we then can take the leash off of Lars Eller for real and let him go at it. He’s our ace up our sleeve…
-And nobody knows it! , your blurting reporter realized.
Jack Marty nodded his head solemnly, then put a finger on his the tip of his nose.
“Nobody. Has. A clue.”
-Nobody sees it!
“Nobody even THINKS about it.”
-Nobody CONSIDERS it.
“How can they if it’s so well hidden?
-That is a. Mazing!
“All part of the plan.”
-You sneaky bastards!
"It's what we do."
-So Eller is great?
“Eller is friggin fantastic.”
-And he’s the reason we’re winning?
“Well, we’re winning, aren’t we?”
-And Lars will take a prominent role some day?
“He’s gonna hog the limelight like a pig on Broadway. Just you watch.”
-And St. Louie…
“Will be crying in their soup like bitches. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m here to support these wonderful ladies. See you later.”
Your inspired reporter couldn’t help but laugh heartily because today was a beautiful day and your All-Singing, All-Dancing Montreal Canadiens had it aaaaaall worked out. Every angle, every perspective, every direction, all foreseen and all accounted for; even the wild card, a fabulously talented Dane dissimulated under the guise of an utterly useless shlub in order to escape the opposition’s gaze. But soon, they will all tremble at his might and once again be forced to give reverence to the greatest team in the history of the world for their wisdom as well as their powerhouse performers.

More updates when vindication warrants.