Friday, January 2, 2009

Tanguay Out, Bush In

MONTREAL - With the news that Alex Tanguay will be out of the lineup for at least 6 weeks, the Montreal Canadiens have turned to an unexpected source for answers. Fresh off screwing the United States economy and, indeed, that of the entire world, George W. Bush (pictured left) will take Tanguay's place on the Habs' roster.

Unsure as to why the Canadiens would bring in such a complete douche-bag, this intrepid reporter went in to the Lion's Den to ask the tough questions.

When I asked him if he thought he would do a good job replacing Tanguay, ex-President Bush said simply that he was excited to join the roster and added, "nobody will be able to do this job as resentfully as I can."

Bush excels at taking super powers and systematically driving them into the ground with extreme prejudice. So to bring him into the lineup is a bold move to be sure. Perhaps this is a move by the Canadiens brass to "play possum"; that or George H. Bush has something on Gillette.

Obviously unfamiliar with the sport of hockey, Bush Jr. asked me about the ceremonial coin-toss. Before I could answer, he drifted away into some sort of fantasy-world in which he lamented about how the coin-toss exacerbated the randomness of life.

In keeping with the odd theme, the Canadiens announced another bizarre move that will see Britney Spears (pictured right) replace Youppie as the new Canadiens mascot.

Likely in completely unrelated news, MaxPac is reportedly demanding a trade.

More updates as events warrant.

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