Friday, October 2, 2009


TORONTO - New Maple Leafs defenceman, Micheal Komisarek, formerly a highly regarded rearguard in Montreal, was exposed on Thursday night when he triumphantly admitted to being an asshole.

"Look, I know you all know I'm an asshole," Komisarek, 27, told a roomful of reporters last night. "Well, that may be true, but I play for Toronto now. News flash: Torontonianites are assholes."

"So I'm an asshole," Komisarek added. "Deal with it."

Some pundits say Komisarek has a long history of being an asshole. In six seasons with Montreal, he had alienated virtually all of his teammates by blaming others for his failures and lying about injuries so as not to fight Milan Lucic and try his hand at coaching instead.

For Montreal fans however, Komisarek's exposure and recent admission that he's an asshole takes him to a whole new level of assholitude.

One reporter was heard saying later that evening, "[Komisarek] acted like outing his own assholiness somehow made it our problem, not his. What a dick."

"On his first day, when Michael made an elaborate show of learning my name, I could tell he was an asshole. But in a couple weeks, he changed from being an asshole who's proud of himself for knowing my name to the category of El Assholio Supremo del Mundo," Toronto goalie Vesa Toskala said (pictured right). "He really outdid himself."

The worry for most NHL players now is that, having declared himself a supreme unrepentant asshole, Komisarek can now gleefully explore the freedoms of his newfound role.

"The more of an asshole Michael is, the more air-time we get with Don Cherry, and the more games we get on CBC and TSN," said General Manager Brian Burke (pictured right with all his friends). "In Michael, you see a classic example of the cycle of escalating assholedom. Instead of hiding his assholishness and putting on a good show, he brags about it in the locker room as if it's a virtue, because he thinks it will benefit his career. But I don't believe for a minute that he's only an asshole for career advancement. For Micahel, being an asshole is its own reward."

When your humble reporter asked for comments on allegations that he was an asshole, Komisarek did not disagree.

"Hey, you're doing a story on me?" he asked. "Make sure you put it in huge letters on the front page: 'Kosisarek exposed as an asshole and he doesn't give a fuck whether you like it or not.' That'd be hilarious."

Wish granted, sir.


Anonymous said...

That picture of Toskala is on the left, not the right.

Anonymous said...

I don't believe Burkie has that many friends.
Great read otherwise.

the CoffeeHouse said...

I really like the "pictured right with all his friends". A+

Chester said...

What's a "Toronto".
Is it bigger than a breadbox?

Anonymous said...

Wow, what a terrible article... on on top of that you can't tell your right from your left. Great job asshole!