YANKEES LOSE, BUY HABS

NEW YORK - It is well known that two of the most storied franchises in all of sports are the New York Yankees and the Montreal Canadiens. But with the Yankees off to a slow start, owner George Steinbrenner has opted to buy your surging Montreal Canadiens.

In 1993, the Beautiful Team won its 24th Stanley Cup. A parade was heald, cars were rolled over, and things were set on fire. It was glorious. But that has not happened for some time.

Your studious reporter has determined through flawless logic and chatting with reliable sources at local pubs that with the Beautiful Team surging towards immanent victory this season, Mr. Steinbrenner will be purchasing the team.

The worry is that he will make them play baseball. And we all know how well baseball did in Montreal...

After digging a little deeper, your intrepid journalist determined that someone in New York has already acquired the rights to every player on the Canadiens roster, including Jaroslav Halak, Tomas Plecanec, Mike Cammalleri, and even the unborn child of a scientific experiment between Andrei Markov and Carey Price.

When asked if Steinbrenner had gone too far, Yankees fans responded: "What the fuck is 'hockey'? What kind of a name is 'Halak' anyways? ... Wait, is he a Yankee now? Holy shit, he's the fucking best player I've ever fucking seen!"

Steinbrenner also bought a few other teams, most notably the entire NBA.

More updates as further "beverages" are served.

LAZY REPORTER PHONING IT IN

CABO SAN LUCAS, MX — In an effort to avoid exertion of his fingers, mental activity, and even standing up, your slothful reporter told other Habs Bros correspondents that he would prefer to cover the Glorious Team over the phone.

"I'd really like to turn on the TV, watch the games, and write about them, but I just can't justify waking up and finding the remote," said your totally justified bestest friend (me).

"Anyway, maybe when I get back I'll write a whole bunch of blistering articles. I'm not sure how long it will take me, but I just wrote this email in about 50 minutes, so you can just multiply that by say 20, I guess."

More updates as weeks pass.

UPDATE: Your victimized reporter has been told to get in or get out.

More updates very, very soon.

PLANNING THE RIOT ROUTE

Your spectacular Montreal Canadiens have kicked down the door of adversity yet again and are furiously pillaging the spoils of an unsuspecting lot of playoff hopefuls. Kicked out of the infirmary for repeated pillow-fights, Tricolore players were forced to reassume a roster position. This, curiously, has led to the icing of a more dangerous team and, oddly, amounting victories as a result. Now, only a cataclysmic disaster of biblical proportions could hope to slow down The Beautiful Team at this point as they stage, once again, a glorious late season rush to secure a spot in the Stanley Cup playoffs. Let no once accuse the Sainte-Flannelle of lacking a flair for the dramatic. … Or they will be shot.
Having thereby established the utter dominance of the Habs’ position in the balance of gods and men, it stands to reason that the Cup is once again set to return home, give its mom a hug and maybe see if it can still fit in its baby cradle. We therefore decided how wonderful it would be if we went down to the streets and talked to the people about how they planned to fete this imminent occasion. Real people. Off the cuff.
We met with Philippe. 18-years-old. Laval resident.
“I will be very appy. I like Canadien a lot. I ope I see de Cup in de street on de day, you know? But when we de Cup, on de night, me and my friends will go in de downtown, you know? And trow garbage can in windows. We are so excite, you know?”
We talked to Dee-Zee Tran. 23-years-old. Did not disclose residence.
“I love when the Canadians win. Place goes nuts. Rich folks get scared, call the cops, and tell’em to form barricades around their stuff. The rest is up for grabs, man! Go Habs go!”
We had a chat with Reginald Crombie. Did not disclose age. Did not disclose residence.
“It was so pretty in 1993, you should’ve seen it. So pretty. I had my bottle of tequila with me and I was a little drunk. Got into a fight with some cop, don’t remember why. Managed to get away from’m but he ripped my shirt. Had to take it off. So there I was with a ripped shirt, a bottle of tequila, and my lighter. It kind of all just came together, you know? Guy left his sun-roof open and just parked all alone. Begging for it. That was my first cocktail, and I knew I was in love. I’m really excited; we have a really good team.”
Finally, we spoke to a man who did not disclose his name, his age or his residence.
“The more pigs we got on the street watchin those fools suits us just ****in fine. Got some ****in business to take care of and it ain’t gonna be pretty. The best part is that we burn everything down and nobody knows it wasn’t those jackasses who done it. Straight-up snatch’n’grab with a score to settle thrown in. Don’t need bullets; baseball bats will do, light a match, get the **** out. ****in pigs none the wiser. That’s why the Canadiens are the best team in the world; you couldn’t get away with this **** anywhere else. Go Habs go, man.”
Aaah, Montreal. Can she get more elegant?
Real people. Real issues. Live, from the streets, Habsbros brings you the straight dope.
More of it as events warrant.

EMOTIONAL TWO WEEKS GIVES WAY TO PASSIONATE RETURN TO ARMS

Now that all this Olympic hoopla is over and done with, we can get back to the business of talking about the hockey that really matters: Montreal Canadien hockey. One may travel the world and never find a notion as beautiful as the Beautiful Team’s notion, that of stylish elegance delivered as bone-crushing NHL hockey superiority, so, it was only in the spirit of utter patronization that your cagey reporter brought up the subject of its Olympic farce of a counterpart to our returning Gamers.
- How’d it go, Tommy?
“Well, I think I got screwed. Nobody told me we would be speaking in Czech. I might’ve been born there, but I’ve been working my way to the NHL since I was six and I haven’t had time to keep up with the language as much as I should have. I couldn’t understand what the hell was going on or what I was expected to do. Coach didn’t seem too happy but all I could do was shrug my shoulders at him, you know?”
- Marky, what happened?
“We not play with passion. We not play desperate. You see what happened. We get slapped around like clown at slap party. You see who I play with? I want to pass the puck to team-mate and I look and I say ‘Who are you?’ and he says ‘I am Korneyev; I play with CKSA.’ and I say ‘Who?’ And it all goes downhill from there.”
-Jaro, not bad. Not bad at all. Whaddaya say?
“We are satisfied in the way we played. It would have been nice to bring back a medal. The team was working really hard and got a 3-1 lead and…I started thinking of the controversy that was waiting for me back in Montreal and I kind of lost my concentration in the end.”
So there you have it, Hab-following, Flannel-loving, genuflecting Partisans, straight from the horses mouths, your Olympic recap. Now, we move on to Tuesday night’s tilt versus our infamous rivals, the Bos…
“Hey! What about me?”
-Sergei. Little buddy; how you doin?
“You not talk to me of Olympic experience.”
-You went to the Olympics? Snowboard freestyle? We know you like the pipe. Heh, little joke there, Sergei. But seriously, skelton?
-No, hockey. I finish with most points on my team. I am one of overall leaders in all of tournament!”
-Get outta here! Which nation?”
“Belarus!”
-…oh. Well, I mean,.. Sergei, c’mon. Don’t waste my time here; I’m doing this report, ok?
“Pah! Drobonovskyet!”
With your sensitive reporter understanding that last comment as a plea to pursue his preview, he did so directly: The Boston Bruins await the greatest team in the history of the world at TD Garden tomorrow night and since their national pride has just been crushed to smithereens, they seem ripe for the picking. Not that they ever needed a reason to wilt; they’ve been doing it for nigh on 80 years without fail but it’s good to find different reasons why the Habs must shove the Beaners noses in it every time regardless. Shove it good. Faster, higher, stronger; shove it good.

More updates as events warrant.