CLONING CAN HELP US

WASHINGTON - Cloning has been in the news a lot over the last few years. Some people appear to be upset by the very idea. Your learned reporter, on the other hand, is excited by the prospects. Here is the explanation...

In today's world, whenever a mad scientist clones a sheep, a monkey or a Country singer, all the protesters and Palin supporters come out of the woodworks to bitch and moan about the inevitable zombie apocalypse that awaits us if we tamper in "God's domain".

Well I say: fuck 'em. The sooner we screw around with God's creations, the better. Your fatidic ink slinger's greatest fear is of course that he will die before he can see a world populated by bizarre, mutated products of the warped human mind. And that is why the Habs should get a cloned Ovechkin.

An OvechiClone.

People who know your debauched columnist personally may well suspect that the only purpose for getting an OvechiClone would be to have sex with it. And while that's normally a pretty good guess, if there was a choice of anything that one could clone for the purposes of moral depravity, it would NOT be Ovechkin, it would, of course, be yours truly.

No, the Habs need an OvechiClone because the Habs suck. People deserve to live in a world where children and puppies can see hockey as it was meant to be; fun, fast, and totally dominated by The Beautiful Team.

Sure, there might be side effects. Maybe the Habs trainers have to occasionally comb bits of OvechiClone waste out of the "creature's" matted fur. But that seems a small price to pay for global happiness, doesn't it?

And, when The Faithful grow tired of the OvechiClone, Kirk Muller can just put it in the trunk, drive up to Northern Quebec, and leave it on the side of the road. It could run into the woods, frolic, and find its own people and eat squirrels or whatever.

In your unostentatious correspondent's opinion, people who oppose cloning just don't love the Habs as much as they should.

More updates as science progresses.