Thursday, April 15, 2010


Your Sensational Montreal Canadiens have accidentally backed into the cradle of world politics on their voyage towards Lord Stanley’s Cup. Due to this unfortunate setback, they will now have to remain in Capital City for the next three days and acquit themselves of the fine imposed, which is to win one out of two games against the city’s rinky-dink, still-wet-behind-the-ears, Pee-wee B, 4th division hockey club, the Capitals. While this may not seem to pose any kind of problem at first, it should be known that in Capital City, not only are monies moved and favours curried like anywhere else in the world, but over here, it’s done more quickly. Seats of Power are a slap-shot away from their arena and if you got the bling, you can talk to the king (pictured right) within five minutes.
We have seen with our own eyes the influence these decisions have over the outcome of that nation’s capital’s games during the regular season and the production of some of their players. If it wasn’t for King Obama, do you really think Ovechkin would have scored so many goals? Please. You can pull the wool over the eyes of most news services, but you can’t slip political influence past Habsbros, not with them dealing the straight dope, you just can’t.
With that in mind, that is, well aware that they have no friends in the Senate, your Cunning Montreal Canadiens have devised the devious and deadly dénouement definitely destined to dash these disrespectful, diaper-wearing debutantes’ best laid plans: the psychological card. It is in the great book “Art of War” that military tactician Sun Tzu says in Chapter 16, 8th column, paragraph 3, line 4, “Thou shalt get into buddy’s head and play goofy with his brain what good, thus screwing up his mojo so he can’t do nuthin cuz he’s so pissed at ya.” Ok? That ain’t no clown off the street, dear readers; that’s Sun Tzu. So hearken.
Tomas Plekanec fired the first salvo when he implied that Jose “The Hair” Theodore was neither Ryan Miller nor Martin Brodeur. … Ooooooooo. The fox couldn’t have gotten freer in the chicken-coop right from the get-go. Complete pandemonium. The coach, Bruce Boudreau began practicing his blubbering. (To be fair though, he’s getting pretty good at it.) He defended his goaltender by saying he preferred Theo's record in 2010 over Miller’s and Brodeur’s. This defence was immediately and purposefully taken out of context, shaken up, twisted up, spiced up like McCain fries, and re-served to the populace with a brand-spanking new meaning: that Boudreau preferred Theodore to Montreal’s young goalie tandem.
Before Boudreau had the time to show off his innovative blustering techniques to rectify this misquote (in his defence, they’re pretty good), he was asked why Ovechkin had injured Theo in practice and if it was maybe his way of trying to get the goalie out of the game because he doesn’t trust him to be able to hold the fort, even though it was well known that it was actually Steckel who had accidentally hit Theo with an errant shot.
This caused coach Bruce Boudreau to snap. Raving about “created controversies” and “it wasn’t him; it was him” and “don’t make sh*te up”, he let loose a tirade not often seen in a professional league and, to tell you the truth, we were all at a little loss. But the reason he reacted this way quickly became evident. Boudreau is using the “focus the attention on the coach, not on the team” technique to protect his goaltender and is whining like an insulted teenager in order to attract mock sympathy towards himself for being misquoted, yet curiously, not towards Theo for being untrustworthy (which, to give credit where it’s due, he does with brio).
He does this because it’s obvious he doesn’t trust his goalie either.
Now their coach and goaltender are shattered before the first game’s even started. Knowing that we still have the “Capital trainer/doctor with the steroids” story up our sleeve, the psychological war is truly underway and the opening volley from the Beautiful Team has been a stunning success. This gives your Confident Montreal Canadiens the strength to walk out of Capital City with their heads held high and half the King’s bling.
More cred as events warrant.

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