JACQUES MARTIN HAS ALL THE ANSWERS

The 2010-2011 NHL season officially gets underway tonight for the greatest team in the history of the world, Your Forewarned Montreal Canadiens. As Coach Jack Marty placed himself under the glare of our floodlights for the morning press conference, we braced ourselves for another round of tired-out clichés so trite in their invention , so lame in their execution, and so offensive in their overall degenerative properties, that if you didn’t ingurgitate a handful of anti-cringe pills a good two hours before the show, you’d be in for an incredibly rough morning. But hey, it’s the job.
The head-coach of the finest team of champions this planet has ever seen began to tap the microphone to make sure it was functioning properly as well as to loudly clear his throat to make sure sound was coming out of it. For us congregated on the floor, it sounded like being inside a shipping container with a sick baboon whilst falling down a sink-hole and banging into every side on the way down. We often wondered if he didn’t do this on purpose in order that we’d be anxious to leave! But it’s so cold outside and the danishes here are so good and we have miles to go before we tweet. So we took a dump in our pants and dived right in.
-What do you think of this new edition of the Montreal Canadiens, Jack?
“This edition is definitely similar to the one we had last year get us to the playoffs and to the Eastern Conference Final. Apart from a number 1 goalie, a clutch-scoring defensive forward, and a power-play rocket-blaster, we’re exactly the same.”
-Is Carey Price ready for number 1 duties?
“Of course he is. Do you think we would trade away the goalie that’s been carrying this franchise two out of the last three years and the Olympic Titan, Jaroslav Halak, for a Maytag washer and two tickets to “Eat, Pray, Love” if we weren’t sure? Of course we’re sure.”
-Will the flu keep him out of the first game?
“We’re still determining that, determining, that is, whether he can play tonight with the flu or whether we can use that flu as context for his performance.”
-What does that mean, Jack?
“Forget what it means; just write it down.”
-Would Lars Eller have made the team if he’d been drafted instead of being a return on the Halak deal?
“Why you gotta ask questions like that? Don’t ask questions like that.”
-You’re the reason Benny Poolio is here instead of Latendresse. How do you propose to make him a more consistent contributor this season?
“Those are coaching techniques best left between me and him. He knows what this organization expects of him, and that’s mainly to strive so that we don’t lose face in the deal. That’s an added incentive for me and I intend to work very hard with Benny so that he can be an important element to our team and that we do not lose that face. It’s up to me to get him to take that next step forward and I enjoy that challenge as a coach. How I actually do it, like I said, is between us, but it will be simple and efficient, that, I can tell you.”
-Have you sent the video of Nino Niederreiter incurring Cammalleri’s wrath by not being nice to him to Colin Campbell?
“Uhh, no.”
-What kind of leash will Andrei Kostitsyn be on this year?
“A Glanzen & Beckner ball-choker 3000.”
-How do you feel about Tomas Plekanec’s mindset going into the season with his new contract?
“How do I feel about his mindset? I guess I feel great about it. He’s shown that he can step up in the preseason and prove to the organization that he’s ready to play. We never doubted that. We just doubt he can do it in the playoffs. Mindset. You know. But we feel confident with him as a player and a leader on our team.”
-What’s the game-plan heading into your confrontation with the leafs tonight without, arguably, your three most important players?
“Game-plan? It’s the leafs. The game-plan will be to keep the puck away from them as long as we can without laughing and to score at will until they send out the goons. Same game-plan as always.”
-Surely a player like Kessel gives cause for concern?
“Not for us he doesn’t. We’d rather have Tyler Seguin and a 1st round pick, first of all, and secondly, once he’s checked, who’s left? A team of monkeys, that’s what’s left. And I assure you, the Montreal Canadiens can beat a team of monkeys with half it’s roster, nevermind only three missing, any day of the week and twice on Thursdays. So if they wanna play a second game after we trash them the first one tonight, we’ll certainly entertain the notion.”
-Final breakdown, please, Jack?
“Hit me.”
-Poolio, Kostitsyn, Eller.
“Meh.”
-Gomie, Plecky, Lappy.
"Feh.”
-Boyd, Halpern, Picard.
“Heh…”
“Spacek, The Hamr, O’B.
“Blehh!”
-Carey Price.
“Greatest guy in the effin world.”
There you have it, dear readers, the straight dope as always. As for the 2010-2011 NHL season that carries the unimaginable weight of expectations borne out of a magical run that only allowed the team to squeeze into the playoffs, which were handed over sealed-and-delivered by the Jesus Express courtesy of a player who’s no longer here, your dastardly machiavellic Coach Marty was heard to remark
“Bring it.”

As we intend to do when events warrant.