Tuesday, October 26, 2010


ANAHEIM - In your humble reporter's ongoing saga of stalking ex-Canadiens, the next stop was former captain, Saku Koivu. No, he's not dead like you thought he was. Instead, he's moved on to play for some Junior B club called the Anaheim Ducks. Apparently, they used to be mighty.

After days in the bushes outside Koivu's home, sifting through trash and befriending hobos for information, yours truly was discovered by some other guy from Finland named Teomafor Sellaneak (or something like that, I mean, who can understand these people?).

Fortunately, this sly columnist was able to talk his way out of being reported to the authorities and managed to get a story out of it. This is how it went:

- So Mr. Koivu, how have you been?
- "Relaxed. This is not at all like Montreal."
- But what do you do now that you're retired?
- "What? I still play hockey in the NHL! Wait... I'm sorry... Are you handicapped?"
- Only when I play golf.
- "..."
- Anyways, what NHL team are you playing for? I was unaware of others besides Montreal.
- "I play for the Anaheim Ducks. So does Selanne over there. Yeah, I know it's not a real team, but keep it on the down-low okay? He gets upset when people tell him that."
- Sure thing. What's it like to play out here? Having played in Montreal, it must be so easy, yes?
- "Well, yeah. It's a joke out here. But the trick is to make it look like you're trying really hard, when you're really just chillin'. You feel me, dawg?"
- Surfer slang?
- Sort of.
- "So what's you're best moment here so far?"

At this point, the story must break, as just writing down the words spoken by the former captain don't do the story justice. For this moment was so poetic. So beautiful, it brought this stoic journalist to his knees.

Koivu's Anaheim story? Well, it is a simple tale... Of incredible bravery.. And unmatched heroism...

In a game against the Dallas Stars, he was on the ice... Alone... The Stars outnumbered him one hundred to one... So the odds were almost even...


Others on the Ducks were not strong enough for the task. Casualties of war, no doubt. But also casualties of love...

Despite the world stacked against him, Koivu still managed to score five goals on one single shot. And upon his return to the bench, a hero's welcome.

Plus some smooching from some chick in a tight sweater.

Amazing... Truly amazing... Your staunch reporter was taken by the story and impressed at what had transpired, saddened only by the fact that it had not occurred in Montreal.

Unfortunately, after retreating back to the low budget motel the meager HabsBros budget afforded him, this reporter sought the truth, as he always does. And found that what had really happened was that Koivu had been hit by Mike Ribeiro and had staggered to the Anaheim bench crying and bleeding, then he fainted.

But we'll let our captain have this one though.

More updates as events warrant.

No comments: