Saturday, October 30, 2010


Few teams around the world would have the audacity to even suggest any contention for the role of Greatest Team in the History of the World, even disregarding the fact that your Superior Montreal Canadiens are, sans surprise, mind you, currently holding first positions in the North-East Division, the Eastern Association, and the National Hockey League respectively. But even FEWER teams would dare to propose owning the rights to an extraordinarily-talented player who was as vicious, as barbaric, and as dangerous as Benny Poolio, especially not after witnessing his emergence in the rough-and-tumble atmosphere of the most demanding professional sports league on the planet. And indeed, it is that emergence which has led this team to these utmost heights.
Your cell-phone number-triangulating reporter (pictured left) got in touch with the Hab hero after another game-winning performance.
-That was a nice game-winning goal, Benny. Against a Stanley Cup champion team to boot.
“Yeah, it felt good. But I took a little mustard off the shot because it would’ve gone through the net, then the glass, and mighta hurt somebody in the stands, and we have clear instructions from the League not to get involved with folks in the stands. The fact the goal came against a great, great team like the Islanders doesn’t change anything. What’s important is not hurting the fans.”
-Still, that puck got in there in a hurry. And a nice play by Halpern to set you up.
“Yeah, I was yelling at him to pass. He did a great play and he heard me at the last minute when the 'D' closed up on him. It was a perfect pass.”
-Puck seemed to be hopping on the play. He could’ve missed it though.
“He knows better than to miss a pass for me. The coaches would’ve been on him for making waves.”
-Wh…what does that mean?
“They say I’m a wild dog, man. That I’m totally nuts. They keep repeating that to me and hey, maybe they’re right. Everyone keeps telling me I’m the best player on this team and that I should take my gloves off, (they mean my metaphorical gloves, not my hockey ones, of course) and use my innate hostility to my advantage. I’m thinking about maybe considering doing that, but awww, I dunno.”
-Why are you played on the 4th line if you’re best player on the team, Benny?
“Because they’re scared of me, I guess. No one wants to play with me. Too much of a rebel, they say. Gomie is sleeping; Gio is slumping; I got five points; I'm playing great, and I’M on the 4th line? Do the math. I’m getting blamed for the veterans playing like crap. So instead, they say that I could be a part of Halpern’s acclimatization process towards the team, like the guy’s never played hockey before or something.”
-Well, sure seems Halpern’s responding. He’s producing.
“Of course he’s producing; he’s playing with me.”
-You lead the team in hits. What is it about you that brings out the most aggressiveness aspect of the Montreal Canadiens?
“I’m good at hurting people. I don’t mean to be; it just comes natural. Do I enjoy it? No, it’s just business. I’m just playing my game out there. The guys who want to hinder me playing my game get demolished; it’s just that simple. It’s not my fault that I’m a full-blown reckless maniac, honestly. I get half a chance and I go on full attack like a wild animal. I can’t help it; it’s what I do, man. I pounce. Totally Wild Kingdom.”
-Why do you fall down all the time then? I don’t see that on Wild Kingdom.
“Well.., I guess I get to projecting on the pain I’m about to inflict on opponents, which releases endorphins in my brain and I get giddy. Get dizzy, lose my balance. I still have to work on that, you know, mentally. But even on my butt, I can pass and I can score and I’m really, really dangerous, and I sure don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings, but don’t mess with me, man.”
-Are you guys planning to celebrate the win somehow tonight? You are playing tomorrow after all.
“Yeah, I’m gonna cut loose a bit, maybe add a teaspoon of sugar to my decaf.”
-You’re totally out there, Benny. Coaches ok with that?
“I don’t care, man; I’m crazy. I say what goes… I mean, if that’s alright with everybody and everything.”
-What can we expect from you as the season wears on?
“Same thing you’ve seen so far: total domination on the ice whenever I touch the puck, the vision of a shaman, softer moves than the Road of Silk, and the wrath of god incarnate when I hit somebody.”
-And there’s no holding you back?
“Hold me back? Listen, Minnesota couldn’t hold me back, the coaches can’t hold me back, the 4th line can’t hold me back, nothing can hold me back. I’d like to see any nancy boys freakin try holding me back. You want to be in 1st place or not?”
-Benny, you my boy.
“Screw you, weirdo.” *Click.*
There you have it, dear readers, the sign-off of a stone-cold pit-fighter. He’s called Benny Poolio, but he’s better known as Psycho Boy: the Kid with the Goofy Face and the Will of Steel.

This article brought to you by Mental Nuts. There’s no toughness like Mental toughness. Mental, That’s One Tough Nut.

1 comment:

Tyg said...

The first picture makes him look like a bit of a James Bond frou frou. I prefer the serial killer look he's got going on at the Habs official website. It's much more in keeping with his nasty self-image that's coming across in this interview.