RDS CONFIRMS: LEAFS HAVE THE BOMB

MONTREAL - For the first time since the end of the Cold War, the threat of nuclear annihilation hangs over the world. This after RDS announced yesterday that the Toronto Maple Leafs have constructed a fully operational 50-megaton nuclear device.

After taking over the post of President and GM late last week, Brian Burke wasted little time and successfully completed the first test detonation on Sunday in the heart of northern Ontario.

Now, since "The Button" is in the hands of Burke who, throughout recent history, has acted with violence and incredible intolerance, officials at RDS have moved the Doomsday Clock back up to one minute before midnight.

From his office (pictured left) deep within the catacombs of the Air Canada Center, Burke released a statement denying the claim, but added that those that look into the matter more closely will be "nuked up real good like."

When asked about the bomb, RDS scientist, Dr. Robert Pelt, responded that it was "primitive yet brilliant." Pelt was not sure how the Leafs got their hands on plutonium, but said that they handled it in much the same way they've handled their roster and thus it has likely resulted in mutations far beyond those that regularly occur as a result of inbreeding in Toronto.

With the threat in mind, Prime Minister Harper says that his main goal is to get the Leafs to dismantle their bomb entirely. And to that end, he plans to negotiate with the MLSE, offering them tax cuts, greater CBC air-time, and a revocation of all laws prohibiting incest.