BOB GAINEY VISITS BISHOP OF ROME FOR POWER-PLAY POW-WOW.

It was a calamitous affair that drew your faithful reporter to the Halls of Bell this morning. Bob Gainey, the general manager of the Royal Montreal Canadiens, just came in from Italy, where, we were told, he had lunch with an old friend and confidante. Asked if this "friend" was none other than the Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Bob demured.
"It was an engagement that had been tabled for quite some time."
- With your friend "Benny", Bob? That’s what it says on the Agenda.
"That’s right. Benny. Old friend of mine."
- Did you talk hockey?
"I talk hockey all the time; it may have come up."
- What does the Vicar of Christ know about hockey?
"It wasn’t the Holy Father, just a friend who can help with some power-play ideas. Next question."
- Will you be inviting the Successor of the Chief of the Apostles to your loge anytime soon?
"What does that have to do with anything?"
- Well, Bob, many say that Montreal’s power-play could use some divine intervention, and as the Patriarch of the West, your friend "Benny" might be just the ticket.
"Okay, listen: It wasn’t the Pope. I can’t be more clear. Just a normal general manager’s meeting. I just had lunch with my friend Benny. Yes, he lives in the Vatican, but..."
- The Sovereign of the Vatican State, no less. Is that correct?
"No, that is incorrect. Furthermore, don’t be reading anything into our team’s offensive explosion on the power-play coming up shortly."
- Why would you say such a thing, Bob?
"Call it an epiphany. Last question."
- Who kissed who’s ring?
"This press conference is over."
And there you have it, Rosary-holding, bead-rolling, knee-bowing Partisans. Bob Gainey did NOT visit anyone holier than...thou, in Italy. Just a friendly lunch with his friend Benny. The fact that good’ole Benedictine XVI happened to be photographed in his Habs regalia on the same day with the Key to the City of Montreal about his neck had nothing to do with anything.
Yea, the Power-Play cometh and that right righteously.
Amen.
More hymning as events warrant.

KOSTITSYN'S FLAMING BAG OF SHIT

MONTREAL - With the arrival and outstanding play of Matt D'Agostini, a roster position on the Montreal Canadiens' roster is no longer sewn up for forward Sergei Kostitsyn. As a result, his frustration with coach Guy Carbonneau has culminated in a rebellious attack in the form of a flaming bag of shit.

Late Sunday evening, as Carbonneau left practice at the Bell Center and was walking towards his car, he was hit in the back by a blazing brown bag of excrement. When he turned, he saw Kostitsyn speeding away in his Porsche.

"It's disappointing for sure," commented the coach, "but if he'd played well to begin with, none of this would ever have happened. If he'd put as much effort into his play as he did with gathering, packaging, lighting, and subsequent throwing of that bag of shit, well..."

When asked how the coach would deal with the situation, he simply smiled and said, "never you worry about that. I've taken care of it."

On Monday morning, when approached for comment, Kostitsyn remained silent about the subject and merely continued to brush his teeth feverishly.

More updates as events warrant.

RDS CONFIRMS: LEAFS HAVE THE BOMB

MONTREAL - For the first time since the end of the Cold War, the threat of nuclear annihilation hangs over the world. This after RDS announced yesterday that the Toronto Maple Leafs have constructed a fully operational 50-megaton nuclear device.

After taking over the post of President and GM late last week, Brian Burke wasted little time and successfully completed the first test detonation on Sunday in the heart of northern Ontario.

Now, since "The Button" is in the hands of Burke who, throughout recent history, has acted with violence and incredible intolerance, officials at RDS have moved the Doomsday Clock back up to one minute before midnight.

From his office (pictured left) deep within the catacombs of the Air Canada Center, Burke released a statement denying the claim, but added that those that look into the matter more closely will be "nuked up real good like."

When asked about the bomb, RDS scientist, Dr. Robert Pelt, responded that it was "primitive yet brilliant." Pelt was not sure how the Leafs got their hands on plutonium, but said that they handled it in much the same way they've handled their roster and thus it has likely resulted in mutations far beyond those that regularly occur as a result of inbreeding in Toronto.

With the threat in mind, Prime Minister Harper says that his main goal is to get the Leafs to dismantle their bomb entirely. And to that end, he plans to negotiate with the MLSE, offering them tax cuts, greater CBC air-time, and a revocation of all laws prohibiting incest.

EFFIN' VOODOO MAGIC, MON!

Just when you think the greatest team in hockey and the best team in the world is doing its utmost to let you down, they turn on the Juice and spread the magic sauce. Everyone's getting into the mix, from Kovy to skating, through Plecky to scoring, to O'Byrne NOT poppin' it into his own net. NHL to look into excess Hab-fan voodoo piercings.

Because if such actions didn't yet prove the existence of a parallel universe, after Josh Gorges' goal, check out the punisher by Dandy (pictured left)! Babcock adamant: Hoodoo Voodoo involved.

Canadiens showing they really know how to smurf. Detroit's Lidstromma, Datsyun and Zetterberger (pictured right) were left to stare at their skate laces, bewildered and shocked by such an awesome display of talent in the Motor City, and we don't mean the robotic GM arms.

Next game: Ovy and Friends. Will Markov continue to put the squeeze on his good buddy? Will Kovy show Federov how an Ivan ages with Class? Will José find his inner half-season prowess? Will O'Byrne discover new ways to auto-sabotage? All your queries will be laid to ice tomorrow night at the Verizon Centre in Washer City. Be there! Or don't; what do we care?

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More updates as events warrant.

REVIEW AND PREVIEW

Canadiens not content to lose, commit suicide. Bob Gainey shakes his jowls. Coach Carbo storms off in a huff. Doug Jarvis stares longingly at yesteryear. O'Byrne paralyed with shame on the bench. Fans restless. Frustration sows its creepy influence.

Kirk Muller could barely conceive his shock.

"We know that with kids, we have to emphasize certain points more than we would with veterans but...I didn't think we'd have to emphasize not scoring on your own net. Hey, everyone make mistakes. Not everyone scores on their own net but everyone makes mistakes. He's got to put this one behind him and forget about it. He needn't worry; we'll remember it aplenty for him. He O'Byrned us today but he'll be all Ryan in Detroit."

What?

Preview: Habs vs Wings.
Speaking of Detroit City, the Best in the West eagerly await the arrival of the Boys to snack on their doubting Tomas Plecanecsis. Throwing the Habs to the Wings seems like feeding a tiger meat at the moment but coach Guy Carbonneau thinks the Red, White'n'Blue have a chance, providing they work, skate hard, be first on the puck, play smart defensively, not give away the blueline, forcheck, keep the puck in the offensive zone, instill a cycle, keep up the pressure, create scoring chances, get shots on net and finish, they have a chance to come out with a good result. Oh, well, is that all? Sounds easy when he says it like that. Hockey City in Hockeytown, Thursday night.

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More updates as events warrant.

CANADIENS TO PLAY EXHIBITION GAME AGAINST FANS

MONTREAL - After losing yet another game on Monday night against the New York Islanders, the Montreal Canadiens are looking for something, anything, to help boost their fragile confidence. The answer comes after many fans have sent in angry emails and phone calls demanding the Habs do something to right the sinking ship.

The answer is an exhibition game against their fans.

During the Christmas break, the "Canadiens vs. Fans" game will take place. The game, which is being promoted by Don King, is sure to draw massive media attention as well as ire, since the "Canadiens vs. Media" game is scheduled for next preseason.

"No doubt about it, the Montreal fans will be tough," Habs center (and eternal optimist) Saku Koivu said. "That guy from the corner Deli? Well, he's got a nasty shot that usually hits guys in the throat. And that guy who pushes the shopping cart around St. Catherine's? Man, he can wreak havoc in the neutral zone. (Also, you don't want him bleeding on you.) Oh! And that dude from maintenance? Well, he's just a gigantic jerk. But we've got a good team, too."

The Canadiens have of course confirmed that all of their regulars will be in the lineup, with the exception of Maxime Lapierre, whose animal-like tendencies are feared to result in his mounting one of the fans in a move of dominance followed inevitably by biting off an ear.

The Habs coaching staff, meanwhile, are of course looking at this game as an opportunity to (a) avenge certain statements the fans have made against them, and (b) get back into the win column.

Neither is expected to occur.

More comments as events warrant.

THE AWAKENING

CAROLINA - Alone. Alone He skates. From the safety of the press box, I watch Him... The Magician.

Maybe it's the scent of the Canadiens' demise (like cruel water rising inexorably), but Alex Kovalev is suddenly much more inspired to put concerted effort into refining His craft. He's honed His willpower into that of a master Artist. Each pass, each shot, and the stick bends to His will... Yes. Yes!

The results are breath-taking. The moves are human emotion incarnate. Why, is this a mere practice, or are the pucks like fellow men rapt within the human condition?

No time for reflection, though, only doing.

And we await His Awakening...