Saturday, May 8, 2010


This planet is 4.54 billion-years-old. It has been witness to many wondrous events, from the formation of a viable atmosphere through photosynthesis to the creation of life itself. It has observed spectacles such as aurora borealis to 100-ft tall tidal waves with casual aloofness where mere mortals would cower in awe. It even bears the scars of war by asteroid assaults, shifting tectonic plates, and nuclear testing, but nothing, NOTHING, comes close to the epic trial it must now endure with the Titanesque Montreal Canadiens in Pittsburgher for Game 5 of the 2nd round of the 2010 Stanley Cup playoffs, the Beautiful Team, smashing everything in their path like a jack-hammer through an egg-carton.
Always on the prowl for some straight dope, your favourite reporter caught up to the Pittsburgher captain (pictured left) and brought up his team’s game-plan.
-What do you say to those who accuse of crying and whining every chance you get?
“You try to treat every chance differently and make the most of it until it’s stopped by Halak. Those things, those crying habits and everything you practice, that's when those things come into the game. You've got to trust your skill to whine and trust yourself to do it at the proper time before it can be stopped by Halak.”
-Isn’t it sometimes too much though? Don’t you feel it’s time to change and become a man?
“You try to make sure you are doing your part. I wouldn't change anything. Honestly, I wouldn't change what I am doing out there. Because at the end of the day, it’ll be stopped by Halak anyway.”
-Whining didn’t help you win Game 4.
“But you can always analyze different things when you lose, whether it’s whining or stopped by Halak. There’s not much difference or much margin for error. It’s a playoff game and both teams played hard and somebody has to win -- and it’s the Montreal Canadiens more often than not because everything is stopped by Halak, so what difference does it make if I cry and whine or not?
-With the referees now obviously on to your lamenting techniques, will you or your teammates keep moping around feeling sorry for yourselves?
“I don’t think we moped around or felt sorry for ourselves. We just got stopped by Halak. You got to bounce back. We’ve all had to deal with that before -- tough goals or tough non-calls for whining.”
-Are you guys scared of the Montreal Canadiens now?
“That’s what they try to do; they try to control the fear zone and get into your head when it’s stopped by Halak. That’s a battle of how teams play. That’s not going to change. It’s going to be stopped by Halak. That’s their identity. They have got some quick forwards who try to capitalize on our mistakes and some fat d-men who block all our shots. They don’t let us score, they don’t let us get quality chances, they don’t let us cry, they don’t let us whine…it’s tough. And uh.., well…stopped by Halak.”
-Ok, Sid, thanks, I got it.
“Stopped by Halak.”
-Yes! I heard you. Thank you.
With so much weeping your insensitive reporter able to take, he decided to make his way to the Canadiens’ room at Pittsburgher’s practice facility to ask them how they felt about Sid the Kid getting all the attention. But he was stopped by Halak and informed they were in a meeting. No problem, he figured he’d grab a muffin and coffee off the brunch table and wait. But he was stopped by Halak and informed the muffins and donuts were for the Boys. Alright then, he’d go sit down in the stands and wait. But he was stopped by Halak for not having a proper practice press-pass. It was pointed out that a press-pass is ALSO a proper practice press-pass but that argument was stopped by Halak for overuse of alliteration.
It was then your face-making reporter started to get a little frustrated; decided to cut it short.
More updates when stopped by Ha…events warrant.

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