Thursday, May 13, 2010


SASKATOON - TSN analysts said the Habs would lose. CBC analysts said Toronto was great. Hockey pundits from all over the WORLD agreed that a Habs win would be a sure sign of the Apocalypse. Hell, even Nostradamus predicted a Montreal loss. If Maggie the Monkey had her chance, she would have spun that lying wheel of treachery and foretold a loss from your Beautiful Team.

Well Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all! This squad of overachieving bastards are going to the next round, if only to piss off Sergei Kostitsyn.

Your intrepid reporter hopped on the wrong plane and ended up in Saskatoon instead of Pittsburgh. An honest mistake by Air Canada, given that the city names rhyme. Unfortunately, that left yours truly in a place so desolate and behind the times that the only form of communication available was the telegram. But this may have made the game even more exciting.

While the official NHL statistic shows that Jaroslav Halak made 37 saves on 39 shots, the telegrams told a much different story. Your mathematic journalist counted 158 THOUSAND saves. Here is an excerpt showing that Halak was even making saves while Moen scored the fourth goal:

Penguins powerplay STOP Shot by Crosby STOP Stop Halak STOP Shot by Malkin STOP Stop by Halak STOP Stop STOP Another stop STOP Great stop by Halak STOP Cleared by Moen STOP My arm hurts a little STOP Moen steps around Gonchar STOP Shot by Moen STOP Scores STOP My heart STOP My heart has stopped STOP Sweet Jesus someone call an ambulance STOP ... STOP

More updates as THIRD ROUND begins. STOP.

1 comment:

Nea said...

This late, but that was a hilarious post! Telegrams FTW.