Well, here we are. Old stomping grounds. Know the place well. Backs to the wall. Your Marvellous Montreal Canadiens are facing de-marvellification yet again. And yoopy-doo, to everybody’s favourite, the oh-so distinguished Philadelphia Flyers to boot. So if the thought of having the most beautiful Cinderella story in the 2010 NHL playoffs halted wasn’t sad enough, let ignominy now steal the show. Many faithful had accepted the possibility, even the probability of not hoisting the Greatest of Cups; a loss to the best team in the League, the reigning Stanley Cup Champs or the Western contenders would not have been... insulting. Your aggravated reporter set about collecting the facts explaining why that is.
Aah, Philly, let us count the ways in which we hate you.
1) You stink. From here we can smell your putridness. Dog poop isn’t soap. Sewer scum ain’t shampoo. Go take a walk to the nearest fire department and stand near the hoses; they’ll fix you up.
2) You’re ugly. Ugly beyond all human conception. A century of inbreeding and bestiality has certainly taken its toll. Clock-stopping, mirror-breaking ugly is what you are. Looks like a mix between gorilla and a bucket'o'slop. And those are the ladies. We have it on good authority that aliens woulda visited this planet to mate long ago if it weren’t for you. You understand what we’re sayin? We’d be travelling the stars and getting it on with green chicks if that one pocket of humanity wasn’t bringing the homa sapien appeal-factor down.
3) You’re bad. You’re bad people. Mean. Amoral. Immoral. Umoral. Just no moral. Haters. Bullys. Insecure summamabitches. Can’t be trusted with company, can’t be trusted with a drop alcohol, can’t be trusted with kids, can’t be trusted with friggin Santy!
4) You’re stupid. I mean like stumbling around with a finger in your nose goin “Duh-duh-duh!” stupid. Right rank stupid. Only thing more stupid than you is a slug. Don’t know nuthin. Don’t know about human behaviour, don’t know about aforethought, don’t know about discipline, clearly clueless about all forms of sport strategy. Dim-witted idiots. Disgusting.
5) You’re lucky. No talent. No grace. No class. No flair. No plays, really. Just luck. Luck against us, that’s all it is. That’s why you never won the Cup again. You can’t. You’re a disgrace to everything hockey stands for. Every game you play brings the credibility of the League down more and more. People watch and say “But they have no talent. It’s just luck; I’m not watchin this.” And then they switch to the dart competition on ESPN Ocho or whatever. That’s what they do. Nobody likes you.
6) And finally, you stink. I mean, really bad. I don’t know if I mentioned this but it’s really, really bad. It’s like some tumours busted inside your bodies, maybe it’s a medical thing and you’ll be dead within a week, but if this is au naturel, lemme just say “Ouch!” cuz y’all need to get that checked. It’s just awful. You know when your nose-hairs start shrivelling and the top of your cheeks start tremblin and you start to gag and you know you just won’t be able to keep from pukin but you manage it anyway and that somehow makes it worse? That’s how bad you stink. You absolutely reek. Mostly of dishonour and failure, we would guess, but either way, the stench is horrific. Honestly, take a bath. Lotsa soap. Not dog poop. Soap. Try it out.
Obviously, there are many more reasons to hate the Flyers, and far be it from us to prevent you from enumerating some below, dear readers, but since Habsbros deals only in absolutes, we chose the reasons that were logically unassailable. We don’t debate at Habsbros; we lay down the straight dope.
Now, the Beautiful Team is staring down the void, out into the abyss, into Eternity (for three months), sword at its throat. Those ghosts of Forums past we hear so much about? Still in Tijuana apparently. Stuck at customs. Something about cocaine. We sent a reporter down. Haven’t heard back. Boys’ll have to do without. So basically, it’s all on them to recapture the magic by their own damn selves. What the rest of us can do is keep doin what we’re doin. Except do it better. Remember, it’s all about the Team.
So pray harder, you wusses!
More updates IF events warrants.