Wednesday, January 27, 2010

NO MORE DISTRACTIONS; HABS NOW ENTER NITTY, SOON GRITTY

Amidst the galling reports of strife within the club, the only man preaching how wonderful the chemistry was in the room compared to last year’s crop of underachieving maggots has been tossed off the team. His cheeriness was apparently getting on everybody’s nerves.
Said George when informed “Is that being a distraction? I never made any negative comments just so I wouldn't be a distraction. I never did anything to embarrass the team. If they said that, then this club of a-holes is worse than I thought.”
Looking for a new job might not take as long for the enforcer as initially expected since he has been offered a position on a Swedish club, the Afferblattenborg-Itterungblung-Klattenfrotzenberg (AIK) Stockholm Express. Reached for comment collect by your cheap reporter, the Swedes conceded that George Laraque couldn’t do worse than their last goaltender. Only thing left to do now is to collect his belongings at the Bell Centre, yet this is also posing a problem for the big man as his security clearance has been revoked and his card won’t work anymore. Reached for comment in the underground parking lot where your dedicated reporter had spent the night, Mr. Bob Gainey said “I don't have a copy of Georges' code, I don't know what it is, I think the code is that you're here for your stuff when you get canned. After that, it's not your code anymore, it's our code.”
So Master Laraque will have to do what your sociopathic reporter does when he needs something from the Temple and break in without any regard for the damages that occur during the execution.
Now, the effect this has had on the club seems to be a positive one since the past shows how well the team plays when everyone is at each other’s throats. Without Laraque there to interpose himself, Cammalleri immediately jumped Lapierre, Metropolit attacked Moen and Markov gave the Priceberg a spanking with a wet towel in front of everyone.
This produced three wins in the last four games for a 75% success rate. (Editor’s note: this report was written in the possible future wherein the Habs creamed the Lightning 7-3; score may be slightly different in reader’s future.)
More punch-ups as victories warrant.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Our dear club is called AIK (Allmänna Idrottsklubben). We are a Swedish club, not a German one. Also, in Sweden we speak Swedish, not German. Therefore one might find it strange if the club had a German sounding name. One should not mix these up, brother. But I must admit I have some understanding for your ignorance since you after all are North American :).

And by the way, our club was formed some 18 years before the Habs. Check your facts next time, buddy. It's every writers duty to atleast have the correct facts. Remembah!

Ericson esq. Reporting said...

I'm well aware of the name of your dear club, my anonymous friend, but that's how we pronounce it here.
It's all in the accent. I wrote it phonetically.
We only deal in facts at Habsbros. We are sure Laraque will make an excellent goalie for your club. He said he doesn't even need a paycheck; all he wants is a clean drakkar, the complete works of ABBA and all the meatballs he can eat.
Everyone's happy.

Anonymous said...

Re anonymous:

True, AIK is older than the Habs. Problem is they didn't start a hockey division until 1921...thought I'd clarify seeing how you were so intent on emphasizing FACTS.

Anonymous said...

Here comes a little history lecture for all you people out there who would like to take this further:

The hockey fraction of AIK was the first that was started. It was a very cold winter when Mr. Behrens and his friends played their first ice hockey matched on the frozen lakes around Stockholm, against other teams from the city. For example, Westermalms IF, Djurgårdens IF and IF Linnéa. This was even before 1891. The competitive section was founded in 1921, when the club was invited to play competitive matches in what was then to be the first official hockey league of Sweden.

No. Actually no. It doesn't seem likey you really were aware. Aalmaenna Eedrotts cluben is the correct phonetic writing. I just checked with my Canadian friends - they're Montrealers, right at R. Sherbrooke. You got a beautiful Swedish last name though.


*'Drakkar' is the Norwegian name for the Viking ship. Sweden is Sweden altough we were a union with them until 1905. Hihi.

//Kisses from Stockholm.

Anonymous said...

What a neat history lesson about Allmänna Idrottsklubben (which sounds funny in North America so AIK is best). Just to help things out you should note that the unofficial Club de Hockey Canadien began in 1888, but the NHL came along later. Now before you crack open the history books and get lost in King Charles XII inventing a skate or something in the 1700's you should be aware that even if Sweden and AIK invented Ikea and Ice we made the first puck and stick.

Anonymous said...

Oh, then Mr. Ambrose O'Brien certainly did a good job founding the in-official section of Club de Hockey Canadien at the age of 3. Impressive!

Anonymous said...

Huh. Not sure I really understand your site. You're really sarcastic (and funny at times) but sometimes your big words loose me. Remember K.I.S.S. Keep it simple,stupid? (don't mean this as an insult, btw)

Out of curiosity, what do you do for a living? Just nosy...

Thanks

Anonymous said...

Well... I like pie.

Ericson esq. Reporting said...

"Keeping it simple" is ONLY for stupid sites, Anon. We raise the bar on this one.
I write the news that's fit to print.
And more power to us.
Huzzah!

Anonymous said...

Okay, Ericson Esq.,...fair enough.


P.S. I really didn't mean it as an insult and if it came across that way, my apologies. I actually enjoy your site, relieves the stress of what our season is going through with the habs.