GAINEY: THE TRUTH

MONTREAL - Avid readers of HabsBros may have noticed that your intrepid reporter has not posted an article in some time. Well my friends, this is merely because the depths at which this under cover report has come from has required a level of commitment that is unprecedented in this field.

Several weeks ago, your humble correspondent decided it was time to find out just what it was that Mr. Bob Gainey (then GM of YOUR Montreal Canadiens) does (or does not) do on a daily basis. The best way to achieve this goal was to be disguised within his office.

Here are some excerpts of conversations overheard by your abase journalist during his mission:

Bob: Janice, would you be so kind to get me some coffee?
Janice: Sure. Hey, did you get a new chair?
Bob: Hmm... Looks like it. Kind of ugly, isn't it?
Janice: Sure is. Never seen one with a hat before. Anyways, I'll get you that coffee. Also, there's a message from Sutter in Calgary on your phone.
*BEEP*
Sutter: Bob, Darryl here. Listen, I'm looking to offload Phaneauf and I know you've been having some troubles on 'D' this year. Call me, I think we can make a deal.

Well, as we all know, Phaneauf did not come to Montreal. Bob went out for some chili - oh God, the chili - and debated the consequences of having a dominant defenceman on his squad. By the time he decided to think about making a decision, well Brian Burke had already stepped in.

Bob: Janice, would you be so kind as to get me some Pepto? I have some serious gas today.
Janice: Sure. Hey, why does your chair keep gagging?
Bob: Not sure.
Janice: Isn't that annoying?
Bob: A bit, but I like the way it cups me, you know?
Janice: Okay, well anyways, there's another message from Sutter.
*BEEP*
Sutter: Bob, Darryl here. Listen, sorry about that Phaneauf thing. I waited for like a week, so I just figured... Anyways, Jokinen is available too. I know you've had issues with scoring this year and God forbid Cammalleri gets hurt, so if you want him, I'd be willing to take just about anything. Give me a call... I miss you.

Well, again another deal didn't happen. Bob went for some onion soup and refried beans and debated the consequences of having consistent secondary scoring on his roster. By the time he decided to consider looking into making a decision about having a thought towards the situation concerning making a decision, well Glen Sather had already completed a transaction.

Bob: Janice, would you be so kind as to get me some Bean-o?
Janice: Sure. Hey, did your chair just throw up?
Bob: Yeah, it seems to do that whenever I... Well those beans from yesterday...
Janice: That's kind of gross, you know.
Bob: Yeah, but my afternoon porn sessions wouldn't be the same without this chair.
Janice: Okay... Well anyways, there's a message from Waddell on your phone.
*BEEP*
Waddell: Bob, Don here. A long time ago, one of your predecessors tried to get Kovalchuk from me during the draft. I rejected that, but now I have to get rid of him and I wonder if you still have interest. I need to dump salary and draft picks don't help me. So basically, I'm looking to take anything you can offer. A good night out like old times might even be enough. Give me a call, would you?

This was the first time I saw genuine interest from Gainey. His balls were positively sweaty! God I wish he wore pants...

Gainey went for some Panago Pizza and contemplated the consequences of having a bonified 50-goal scorer in the line-up. Could the Canadiens win? Would anyone's feelings get hurt? What if he wanted to wear #23? Does he look good in red? Will he be able to adapt to driving in Montreal? Can he tie a slip knot?

Long story short, another missed deal.

Bob: Janice, where are you?
...
Bob: Janice?
...
*BEEP*
Molson: Bob. Go home. Get out. Don't come back.

More updates when the chaffing stops.

GAINEY BLOWS SUPERBOWL CALL; LAST STRAW FOR MOLSON

When Tracy Porter intercepted Peyton Manning’s pass and ran it back to the house, it spelled the end of Mr. Bob Gainey’s tenure with the greatest hockey team in the history of the world. Geoff Molson had offered his GM the opportunity to make the Superbowl call in his place in a bet opposing the Montreal owner to George Gillett, chuckling heartily in Vail. Bob Gainey chose the Colts. Having to shave his head in defeat to now be prancing about with a skull-cap and a wig, the humiliated brewer had seen enough, and strongly suggested the GM take the door. Still fuming over how silly he looks in beaver hair, Mr. Molson could not attend the press conference announcing the news. President Boivin took the reins.
“It’s been an honour to have Mr. Bob Gainey here with the Montreal Canadiens. It’s been a privilege to consider him as a friend all this time. He brought us instant class and respectability when he joined our organization. All we could ask more of him was that he be a Saint. Unfortunately, it was the only thing he was unable to do and it is with great regret that we all came to the conclusion that he should step down as of consequence.”
-Mr. Boivin, is it really important that Mr. Gainey be able to call the winner in the American football championship?
“You bet it's important," the team president said. “It's a matter of respect and sensitivity to the reality of frenchies; I mean, the logo is right there on the helmet, ferpetessakes! Far as we were concerned, it was an easy call and he blew it.”
Pierre Gauthier, erstwhile second fiddle, takes the maestro stick and strikes up the Bleu-Blanc-Brass Bonanza. He wasted no time in making friends.
“It's an honour for me to become general manager of the Canadiens," Pierre Gauthier said. "But this day is not about me, it's about the Montreal Canadiens and the future of the Franchise. Our goal is the same as it always was: to prop up the Priceberg.”

Pierre Boivin then coughed and nudged Gauthier in the ribs.
“Uhh, errr, we have two strong young goaltenders who give us a chance to win every night," the new GM amended. "We believe we can go forward with them, and they give us our best chance to get into the playoffs, and if Halak ever decides to drop the ball...” Gauthier then reacted sharply as one would when kicked in the shin underneath the table.
When asked if the Canadiens would be buyers or sellers come trade deadline, the response was less about the fluff and more about the marble.
“We’re builders. We have 11 new players from nine different organizations, and I think we only have four frenchies,” Gauthier said. “Getting the team to where we want it to be is part of an ongoing process. That means we have to move ahead directly with our plans to achieve success, namely, to sign Tomas Plekanec as quickly as possible and to foresee the Saints as winners of the next Superbowl, both of which we are prepared to do at this juncture. And the frenchies? Whoa, baby, watch the frenchies is all I gotta say. That’s how you build a winner, chéri.”

As if to prove the point, Gauthier's first move was to send White and Trotter back to Hamilton and keep Desharnais as lone hanger-on with the club.

We're in business now.
More updates who dat warrant.

NO MORE DISTRACTIONS; HABS NOW ENTER NITTY, SOON GRITTY

Amidst the galling reports of strife within the club, the only man preaching how wonderful the chemistry was in the room compared to last year’s crop of underachieving maggots has been tossed off the team. His cheeriness was apparently getting on everybody’s nerves.
Said George when informed “Is that being a distraction? I never made any negative comments just so I wouldn't be a distraction. I never did anything to embarrass the team. If they said that, then this club of a-holes is worse than I thought.”
Looking for a new job might not take as long for the enforcer as initially expected since he has been offered a position on a Swedish club, the Afferblattenborg-Itterungblung-Klattenfrotzenberg (AIK) Stockholm Express. Reached for comment collect by your cheap reporter, the Swedes conceded that George Laraque couldn’t do worse than their last goaltender. Only thing left to do now is to collect his belongings at the Bell Centre, yet this is also posing a problem for the big man as his security clearance has been revoked and his card won’t work anymore. Reached for comment in the underground parking lot where your dedicated reporter had spent the night, Mr. Bob Gainey said “I don't have a copy of Georges' code, I don't know what it is, I think the code is that you're here for your stuff when you get canned. After that, it's not your code anymore, it's our code.”
So Master Laraque will have to do what your sociopathic reporter does when he needs something from the Temple and break in without any regard for the damages that occur during the execution.
Now, the effect this has had on the club seems to be a positive one since the past shows how well the team plays when everyone is at each other’s throats. Without Laraque there to interpose himself, Cammalleri immediately jumped Lapierre, Metropolit attacked Moen and Markov gave the Priceberg a spanking with a wet towel in front of everyone.
This produced three wins in the last four games for a 75% success rate. (Editor’s note: this report was written in the possible future wherein the Habs creamed the Lightning 7-3; score may be slightly different in reader’s future.)
More punch-ups as victories warrant.

LAPPY LAPPING UP THE LATITUDE

After Saturday night’s loss to our depleted little cousins from down the 417, the post-game reporter scrum seemed to be more pressing as elbows and hips were used to secure the best spots available around the podium, and knees and ankles were used to clog up all the available spots left in the vicinity. So much so, that having stopped at a candy-machine along the way for an extra shot of glucose, your dedicated reporter found himself at a loss to get his mike anywhere near anyone’s important schnoz.
That’s when Lapierre was noticed by your hawk-eyed reporter, ambling down the hall, and so therefore, quickly caught up to.
-Hey, Max, where you off to?
“Candy-machine.”
-Got a minute?
“To the candy-machine and back, sure.”
-Max, why do you get a free pass?
“To the candy-machine?”
-No, on the club.
“Because I was born in Scotland. Raised in Ireland. Never learned a word of French. Protestant. Joined a right-wing Provo group when I was 16. Started playing hockey in London as cover. Liked it more than pipe-bombing. Rest is history. Got drafted out’ve Bern and here I am. They don’t care about me as long as I don’t make waves. They got other potatoes to fry.”
-Surely the lack of effect your play is producing isn’t going unnoticed?
“That’s exactly what it’s going. Ask’em. Ask anybody. Ask the coach. Go ahead, ask the coach and ask’m what th…hey! There’s no Super-Chocko-Marshy-Bars left!”
-Oh, one of these, you mean?
You should’ve seen his face when I took out the last bite I was saving and quickly polished it off in front of him.
-Can’t always get what you want, kid.
Luckily, your precognitive reporter managed to dodge the haymaker sent his way and, making the most of the loss of balance in the would-be attacker this occasioned, got enough of a head start running back down the hall to join the scrum and scream at the top of his lungs
-Jack! Jack! Why does Lapierre get so much latitude?! Shouldn’t he be contributing?!
“Both of our goalies have the talent to win us games. It’s a healthy competition between our two young goalies and that helps our team.”
-What about Lapierre, Jack?! Lapieeeeerre?!
“Well, Benoit was a player this organization had on its radar for a long time and as that stats show, it was a good move for both organizations.”
-Lapieeeeeeeeeerre!!!
“Well, give the Senators credit. They planned for our power-play very efficiently and we’ll go back to the tape and make the proper adjustments. Thank you. Have a plane to catch now.”
And that was it.
That Irish son-of-a-gun was right.

More updates as events warrant.

HALAK DEAL MAY CARRY PRICE

Now that the Montreal goalie controversy has finally broken out from its political enclosure and begun tearing about the League of Extraordinary Hockey Players with no regard for strife or whim, many now postulate on which organization would assure the Beautiful Team of the best return on a possible trade involving Jaroslav Halak, also know as the Bratislava Bratwurst, the Comanche from Kocice, the Presov Presser, and the Montreal Stopper-of-pucks.
What many don’t postulate on is what price such a deal could carry, mainly, that if you remove the Stopper-of-pucks, then pucks won’t be stopped anymore, leading to some inevitable complications down the line. That the pucks could be stopped despite the Stopper-of-pucks’ absence is, unfortunately, not the subject of this article.
Your open-ended reporter set upon Coach Jack Marty after Saturday night’s game. He looked happy. So he was asked directly:
-You happy, coach?
“Definitely. Especially with Halak’s performance tonight. He kept us in the game against the best team in the East and definitely made some sensational saves that gave confidence to our forwards to attack a bit more and that's why we finished the game leading in shots.”

-Satisfied?

"Well, I don't know if I could definitely say I was satisfied because we ultimately lost but I'm happy at what I saw. So: happy but unsatisfied."
Right. Then it was all business:
-Is Halak a number one goaltender, coach?
“He’s definitely making a case.”
-Is it good for a team to have a number one goaltender?
“It definitely helps.”
-Wouldn’t trading away a number one goaltender carry a price?
“Definitely something that’s being considered.”
-Who starts in net next game, coach?
“Well, that’s, uhh, I def…uh…”
-Ah, see? You can’t say “definitely” all the time, can you?
“This interview is over.”
-Aw, coach, c’mon.
“No! Goodbye.”
And off he stomped. Big baby, he always does that.
But what he doesn't realize is that a conspiracy isn't a conspiracy until it's uncovered. This is not over. These two (see right) want some answers and we at Habsbros intend to get them.

More updates definitely warranted.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN, MARKOV SOMEHOW MAKING IT WORK

MONTREAL - Despite their considerably different upbringings, their lack of mutual interests, and the fact that they don't even speak the same language, current Miss Chile Marie Sanchez, 21, and multi-millionaire NHL all-star Andrei Markov, told your humble reporter that they somehow continue to make their relationship work and could I please get out of their house.

"The moment I saw her, I knew I wanted to be with her," said Markov as he physically persuaded me out the door. He added that the couple's relationship seems to have oddly persevered despite the fact that he is so often on the road. "Marie told me that she's always been waiting for somebody like me to come along and sweep her off her feet."

"Jess," she said as she followed behind us, "I love..."

"Andrei," I offered.

"Jess," she continued, "I love... Ahn-day... He is rich man. Uh, gud man."

And dear readers, when I saw Markov's smile as he slammed the door in my face, I knew that she was exactly what he was looking for too.

More updates as love blossoms.

OUTBREAK OF POULIO SIDELINES FIVE MONTREAL CANADIENS

Disaster has struck three other poor saps on the Beautiful Team this morning as Ryan O’Byrne and the Kostitsyn brothers are the latest to be hit by the dreaded Poulio.
From what your perspicacious reporter was able to ascertain while eavesdropping in seventh floor bathrooms of the Bell Centre, the symptoms of the disease began to manifest themselves over the Holiday road trip, but that its contraction actually occurred at around the time when Guillaume Latendresse was sent to Minnesota free of charge, and was in an incubation period until its eventual outbreak. On a side-note, many in the Halls of Haballa questioned Mr. Bob Gainey’s mysterious compassion towards the Wild and we at Habsbros are considering appointing a reporter to probe more deeply into its muddle but for whatever the reason, that display of pity can now be regarded as an overall bad move since it has precipitated the propagation of a seemingly infectious disease within the club.
The first to feel its effects were D’Agostini and Pacioretty; each spent a game in the press-box with a medical mask over their faces made of a brown paper bag.
Now, three more have gone down. And though George Laraque won’t admit it, some in the organization fear he may have been hit the worst.

More updates as transmission spreads.