Thursday, March 27, 2008


TORONTO - Summer is just around the corner, and that means it's almost time to go outside in the grass and sunshine and have fun with your family in the great outdoors. But for the NHL, blistering heat and sunlight means the playoffs have arrived!

With that in mind, the NHL has released a bullet-point set of tips to help you enjoy the playoffs:

Special Note: If your team was unable to qualify for the playoffs and neither CBC or TSN was able to buy your way in (that means you, Toronto), you have little chance of having a fulfilling summer.

  • For those of you that will attend a playoff game, keep in mind that, though not generally known, beer and popcorn vendors are pitted against each other in a fierce turf war. Avoid getting caught in the crossfire.

  • Beer sold by the aforementioned vendors may be unsafe to drink. As an alternative: imagine how cool you would look downing a grape-flavoured Crush with no shirt on!

  • Under no circumstances should you let your wife or girlfriend stay at home with that guy from her yoga class while you go out to the pub to watch the game. Trust me on this one.

  • Waking up the next morning feeling groggy with a sore anus is a perfectly normal experience after "celebrating" a particularly good game of hockey at the pub.

  • If your team is losing and you're looking for something fun to do, have a beer every time a CBC announcer mis-pronounces a non-Maple Leaf player's name. If you don't end up in the hospital getting your stomach pumped, you're not listening hard enough.

  • No matter how much you suck in your gut, the cute bartender chick ain't gonna sleep with ya.

  • If you're attending a game, remember that no matter what people tell you, do not strip off your clothes and jump onto the ice. Humiliation, arrest and shrinkage may result.

  • Instead of a hockey jersey and ball-cap, try wearing women's makeup and a feather boa to the game or pub. This will enable you to enjoy the game in a whole new way.

  • When facing Don Cherry, be sure to wear garlic and carry a cross. In cases of extreme emergency chant the words, "Bobby Orr would've looked great in a Toronto uniform."

  • A good rule of thumb regarding hockey-game etiquette is that if a goal is scored by your team, you should stand up, cheer, and hug the person beside you. It's not gay if you initiate.

  • Canada's pubs are home to many magnificent forms of indigenous females. Be sure to bring a rifle with plenty of stopping power.

  • To best enjoy the playoffs, attempt to speak the word, "Go," followed by the word, "Habs," and then "Go" again. After a brief pause, repeat the three words again. After repeating this action thousands of times, you will almost certainly be having the time of your life. (Results may vary.)
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