Friday, March 14, 2008


MONTREAL - Michael Ryder, 27, forward for the Montreal Canadiens, has not been as productive as he was the last few seasons; coincidently, before the loss of his virginity.

"Ryder's been here almost five years, and he's always been a pretty decent goal scorer," said teammate, and noted womanizer, Mark Streit. "But this season, he just hasn't been himself. It's almost as if scoring goals and winning hockey games is no longer his top priority."

"Heck, I've been in the business for a lot of years, and Ryder could show me new ways to score. I mean the guy can slap it and wrist it!" said coach Guy Carbonneau. "I'm talking hockey right now."

Described by acquaintances as "not all that socially skilled," Ryder lost his virginity at pal Christopher Higgins' party. Drunk on Goldschlager, Ryder abandoned his usual method of taco-related conversations and, at approximately 1:30am, Ryder and Higgins' cousin, Maggie, found themselves alone, where "one thing led to another."

"As Maggie and I sat together watching the sun come up, she informed me that she has a boyfriend or might be gay," Ryder said. "But we made a vow not to regret anything that happened that night. I know I sure haven't."

Though Ryder used to make excuses to avoid group social events, he has been seeking them out of late.

"Mike's always up for coming over to my house and teaching me how to play World of Warcraft," said best friend and continued virgin Greggory Sparks. "Now, he just wants to go to parties. He's all like, 'Is anyone having a party this weekend?' God, Mike, get a life."

With the recent success of the Canadiens, teammates and fans alike are looking for a total resurgence of Ryder's goal scoring prowess. Perhaps the frustrated Alex Kovalev put it best: "Now is a great time for this team, but Mike's completely blowing it. Maybe I shouldn't worry, though. Sooner or later, he'll come to his senses. He'll realize that getting laid is temporary, but hockey is forever."

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