Wednesday, April 9, 2008


MONTREAL - As the post-season looms for The Glorious Ones, tradition begins to take hold. Canadiens players and fans alike will now forgo their desires of women and sacrifice their careers of heavy-equipment operation by succumbing to the greatest of hockey traditions: the playoff beard.

For some, however, vast amounts of facial hair can be used as more than satisfaction of a superstition. Indeed, for fans and players like Bryan Smolinski and Andrei Kostitsyn, it might be worth noting that your playoff beard can double as a comb-over!

That's right, be sexy again! Imagine yourself with hair! Vanity Fair could be in your future. You'll notice people all over your city whispering behind your back. Know what they're saying? "I wish I looked one tenth as good as he's looking," that's what.

For example, Alex Kovalev – whose steely gaze and easygoing personality have consistently captivated millions around the globe – has, for the past 12 years, attained the highest possible scores in every known measure of physical, psychological, and spiritual attractiveness. Why? Amazing hair, that's why.

A recent poll conducted by the Rogaine Research Center revealed that 38 percent of women believe hair makes a man look "distinguished," 21 percent think it makes a man look "sharp," and 13 percent believe hair makes a man look "square-jawed and rugged, yet stately and reserved, as one would expect a baron or king to look."

The poll had no statistical margin of error.

Plus, it is a widely known fact that most carbon-based organisms will, over time, succumb to the ravages of cellular decomposition and genetic degradation. But you, with your beard-over, will look as though you have aged like a fine wine.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I can't grow side-burns... So does that mean I need a goatee-over?